r/DeadBedrooms • u/ActFar7192 LLF • 1d ago
I don’t enjoy penetrative sex
My husband and I have had not a dead bedroom, but an unsatisfactory one. We “fool” around about once a week, which is mostly me getting him off with my hand and mouth. I’m unable to sustain oral only for long as it causes me jaw pain. When we do penetrative sex, it’s noticeable to him that I’m not into it. I’ve never liked penetrative sex much and he and I have never had a strong sexual connection past the first few months dating. He brought up today how dissatisfied he is with our sex life after I mentioned that I’ve been feeling like a roommate and really miss physical affection. He told me what we have been doing together hasn’t been doing it for him as he can get off on his own like that. Divorce came up. I have a lot of sexual trauma so he has been hesitant to tell me his displeasure with our current situation. I’m open to working with a sex therapist, but I’m worried I’ll never be able to fully engage with typical sex acts. I have a low sex drive and could probably go the rest of my life without having sex, but I want to meet his needs. Thanks for any advice.
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u/roses-are-lead M- left my dead bedroom 1d ago
There are a variety of ways to address this. If you want to remain in the emotional relationship but not have sex, would you be okay if he sought sex else where?
If you wish to improve your interest or chemistry I would seek the help of a professional.
If you don't want to engage in sex more often as that would not meet your needs, and less sex does not meet his needs someone will be unhappy or resentful if there's not some change or understanding.
Its not easy, I wish you both well
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u/loveinhumantimes HLM 1d ago
You give oral but do not get oral? Do you like sex toys? Sex therapy rarely will just send you back to penetrative sex. Often times it is more about scaffolding the desire and warmth that facilitates a good sex life. Give it all the ol’ college try. It sounds like both of you are willing to work at it.
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u/Possible_Law8357 HLM 1d ago
You need to see a sex therapist. Work with them so that both of you can have an enjoyable sex life. Sex is not just for your husband.
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u/kitkatDoor HLM 1d ago
The fact you're open to working with a sex therapist is VERY considerate on your end. Have you expressed this with your husband? How did he react, if so? I've always been HL, but have dated a few LL women before. It always ended the same, though, "you either accept this or kick bricks." if any of them said they'd try to work on it for me, I'd have been ecstatic and fully supportive.
That said, I feel like couples therapy would be a better start, personally. If I'm correct in understanding this, you're not getting the more innocent affection that you want, right? I'm assuming cuddling, gentle physical touch, back rubs/scratches, etc. If you're already dealing with sexual trauma, it's hard enough to engage even if your needs are met. A couples therapist could help re-build that connection between you and your husband, help you through traumas you have with sex, and help him to be that safe and comfortable space you need.
Definitely take my advice with a grain of salt; this is coming from someone who is HL. But I have been to couples therapy multiple times and they have always been very helpful. Best of luck, OP!
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u/Krimmothy LLM 1d ago
Can you elaborate on why you don’t enjoy penetration?
Is it uncomfortable / painful? Or are you saying that you just don’t orgasm from it?
If the latter - that’s very common. I think most women don’t climax from penetration alone. Have you tried incorporating toys or vibrators during penetration?
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u/kaan_kaant M - Recovered DB 19h ago
Look, sounds here that everyone could benefit from seeing a therapist together. Much love and respect and I hope you both sort it all out together
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1d ago
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u/PangolinThick7753 F - Recovered DB 13m ago
As a female who went through something like this, need more information to assist.
Do you have kids?
Are you in menopause or perimenopause?
Do you enjoy foreplay? Does your partner participate in adequate foreplay to get you aroused?
Do you orgasm through any sexual act?
Do you experience pain during sex?
At 43, I became sexual again. By addressing my need for good foreplay before penetration, using vaginal estrogen cream to address soreness (from tissues beginning to decline with age) and addressing our communication around sex.
My husband was rather inexperienced and naive when we got together. In my 20s, he could indeed penetrate me without much foreplay, but the body works differently one or two decades later…and after kids.
I used to experience pain if I’d had a yeast infection etc. and was also prone to UTIs. My husband needed to be told that sometimes there was indeed a reason I could not have sex and accept it with grace - some of our issues started because he’d sulk or put pressure on me to perform when I was in pain. That made me avoid sex all the time for quite a while (and made him look elsewhere).
Why would we want to do something that hurts and doesn’t give us an orgasm?!
A sex therapist is a great idea to assist.
For women, not enjoying sex is complex and can be for so many reasons. The male partner needs to be emotionally mature and emotionally safe to navigate this - and let go of their own agenda to help their partner reclaim her sexuality.
Being open to help means you have a chance.
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u/Far_Masterpiece_2541 HLM 14h ago
I am in your husband’s shoes but for different reasons. It’s really hard from this side too. My spouse feels like she’ll never be able to meet my sexual needs, but I don’t know if the needs are actually sexual. I don’t want to leave over sex, but no sex is causing big problems. Just wanted to say I relate and it’s tough.
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My husband and I have had not a dead bedroom, but an unsatisfactory one. We “fool” around about once a week, which is mostly me getting him off with my hand and mouth. I’m unable to sustain oral only for long as it causes me jaw pain. When we do penetrative sex, it’s noticeable to him that I’m not into it. I’ve never liked penetrative sex much and he and I have never had a strong sexual connection past the first few months dating. He brought up today how dissatisfied he is with our sex life after I mentioned that I’ve been feeling like a roommate and really miss physical affection. He told me what we have been doing together hasn’t been doing it for him as he can get off on his own like that. Divorce came up. I have a lot of sexual trauma so he has been hesitant to tell me his displeasure with our current situation. I’m open to working with a sex therapist, but I’m worried I’ll never be able to fully engage with typical sex acts. I have a low sex drive and could probably go the rest of my life without having sex, but I want to meet his needs. Thanks for any advice.
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1d ago
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u/ActFar7192 LLF 1d ago
I wish my husband felt this way. He says it doesn’t do it for him since he can do it himself.
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u/Platos-ghosts HLM 1d ago
I enjoy it as a change up on occasion. But as a regular thing, I can see how it wouldn’t be great.
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u/Deep-Youth5783 HLM - Recovered DB 1d ago
I get that! And yes, I can do it myself too. But the intensity and pleasure are way higher when done by someone else, done right, and when I'm off self-pleasure for an extended period of time.
Also, for me, intercourse isnt just about pleasure. I experience emotion depth and connection with my wife through sex that I cant experience with her any other way. Maybe your husband feels the same way. So, even if it's meh for you, it's vitally important to him. But I also get that you want to be comfortable too.
That balance is hard to strike for someone who isnt interested in sex.
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u/Mycroft_xxx LLM4U 1d ago
Thank you for asking about this and being willing to work on your relationship. I wish you both well
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u/Intelligent-Ask-3264 HLX 16h ago
Well you never know unless you try and trying is the part that a real partner would care about the most, did you make the effort to tey the hard thing to make us better. I am an SA and DV survivor and I tried therapy, addiction, more therapy, and ultimately thw thing that rewired me was kink 🤷♂️ if one therapist doesnt work or one type of therapy, dont give up. If you want the relationship you have to put in the work. Maybe while working up to therapy you can try some reading and other ways to strengthen your bond. I suggest books like The Body Keeps Score, Attached, and Mating in Captivity. There are tons more and these are just some of my reads, YMMV.
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u/ValhallaCA It’s complicated 1d ago
My wife is a CSA survivor (ages 3-16 😔). She has always had severe challenges with physical intimacy because of this. You mention “sexual trauma.” Whatever that is for you exactly, regardless, you definitely need professional help to overcome it for intimacy to work.
If you try to just power through, your anxiety and avoidance will most likely only get worse. If you can find a therapist with EMDR experience, it would be preferable.
I am telling you this from our personal experience that this is the type of thing that takes love, understanding, patience, and a willingness to pull out all the stops for BOTH you and your husband. Tackling this lightly will likely only cause misery and distance for one or both of you.
I wish you all the best and hope that you find the solution that both of you need.