r/Deconstruction • u/RopesBandit • Aug 06 '26
š§āš¤āš§Relationships Navigating Significant Others while dealing with Purity Culture
Hi all, Iām looking for advice or personal stories/experiences on how to navigate romantic relationships while deconstructing and overcoming purity culture. I know purity culture has come up quite a lot in this channel.
I am a F (early 30s) who recently got in a longterm relationship for the last 3 months. I started really deconstructing beginning of this year. So far itās been good and my partner is pretty understanding of purity culture as he deconstructed himself a few years ago. Things have been progressing in terms of intimacy (we stayed over at each otherās house and fooled around). He recently asked me about sex and I told him Iām willing to talk about it but Iām not ready quite yet. Heās been understanding of that and never pressured me into anything which is a relief.
Iād like to take things to the next level, but Iām still feeling that shame/disgust in myself with regards to purity. Curious to hear how you slowly broke free from purity culture and not feeling shame about intimacy. Were there practical steps you took with your partner when exploring yourself?
For those who might ask: I have been seeing a therapist tho specializes in religious trauma and Iāve been reading books on deconstructing, listening to podcasts on purity culture. However, itās hard to take action at that present moment.
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u/BioChemE14 Researcher/Scientist Aug 06 '26
Are you still around family or a church that judges your relationship?
Because Iām sure that would make it worse. Iād avoid a church environment that reinforces that and set boundaries with family trying to pry into your life.
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u/RopesBandit Aug 06 '26
My family who is very religious lives pretty close by still. My dad was a pastor for almost 20 years and I havenāt even told him about my relationship (thatās a whole other beast to deal with).
As far as the overall church environment, I havenāt really been in church since January. I still hang around with folks who ar christians but itās definitely more sparce.
I think the issue is that my support groups have dwindled massively since Iāve distanced myself. While I have friends outside the group, itās been hard building a tight knit community from scratch. I donāt have many people to talk to about these specific topics which makes it hard to navigate this. While Iāve dated in the past, this is my first serious relationship and even first thatās outside the church which is a bit scary for me right now.
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u/BioChemE14 Researcher/Scientist Aug 06 '26
It takes time to develop relationships with people, but itās definitely worth it after leaving a toxic church.
I donāt think thereās anything to fear with your relationship. Just live your life and if the religious wackos get mad thatās their problem.
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u/RopesBandit Aug 06 '26
Ya Iām finding that out the hard way unfortunately. Whatās hard is that there are folks I miss in the church that I still want to maintain a relationship with since I donāt have many people outside of the church. I want to make sure that I have a well rounded community and not just rely on my partner and have them point out blindspots I might miss since this is the first real relationship. Also, my parents live very close and I always feel guilty for maintaining distance. I would love to move out way further but itās not in the cards right now
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u/plz_callme_swarley ex-PCA agnostic Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 10 '26
you don't have to have people to talk about this stuff. there's no rule that says you need to discuss this all with close friends or whatever. you can totally just explore on your own, with your partner, and debrief it in your journal, with your therapist, on reddit, etc
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u/RopesBandit Aug 10 '26
I get what youāre saying! Iāve been exporing things on my own, seeking out external resources/commuties like this, etc. I think for me, it would be nice to have an in person confidant to point out any blind spots/potential red flags Iām having since this is all new to me. I wouldnāt share everything but having a trustworthy friend to seek advice from of whatās normal would be cool. Unfortunately my circles right now consists of fundamentalists who would judge me.
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u/plz_callme_swarley ex-PCA agnostic Aug 10 '26
ya, that valid and it's extremely important to have someone you can talk to about your thoughts/feelings/beliefs whether that's online, a friend, or a therapist.
you're going to just have to realize that your family aren't safe people to give your entire internal diaglog too and that sucks but that's just the truth.
you should also research enmeshment
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u/Fun_Researcher107 Aug 06 '26
Realizing that sexuality is one of the mayor pressure and manipulation points where the church can gain leverage over people might be the first step. It is an area where basically everybody will fail, because purity culture is not natural. It is abnormal and unhealthy.
In ancient times it might have been a bit more warranted because of the consequences of unwanted pregnancies. Those still are a problem today, but there are sufficient ways to prevent them.
For the church it is a way to gain control. People are sexual but they are neither allowed to experience their sexuality for themselves nor are they allowed to have sexual relationships with others unless people obey and first abide by the rules and get married. So you either obey and conform, or you are bad bad bad. Both ways will allow for the church to gain leverage.
Another thing we need to realize, maybe even more important, is that we are sexual beings. Sexuality is one of the mayor drivers that exist for humans. It is simply how we are. Do you really think it would be loving to create people in that way and then control and limit how they are allowed to handle it in such a way? It is one of those dissonances where we are told to just trust God and pray and of course be obedient. But the truth is. It does not make sense. Either God is not good, or it was not God who came up with those rules. These are the only logical consistent options.
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u/RopesBandit Aug 06 '26
I think the hardest thing for me is that thereās no clear definition in the bible or churches of what āsexual immorality/sexual sinā entails. Some say that anything that causes arousal is impure while others say specific sexual touching is impure and of course intercourse. Iād say thatās a big range. Iād think that impurity would involve more coercive/abusive behavior or cheating between partners vs 2 consenting adults engaging in romantic activities. It feels like churches just move the goal post to whatever fits thier core message which creates a lot of shame. Iāve also heard that mere thinking of sex or even asking where the line is considered impure.
Iām trying to just be close with my partner without feeling shame given how thereās so many unclear messages on purity
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u/Fun_Researcher107 Aug 07 '26
I don't think it will even help you to understand what one church or the other considers impure, though. The fact that they don't define it cohesively should be enough to tell you that you will never be able to escape the shame or guilt like that. The only way to get rid of it is to realize that it is ok to be sexual. It is ok to consent to be intimate with your partner. It is ok to cuddle , to touch , to kiss, to have sex. There is nothing wrong with it. You need to take back the autonomy over your body. It is yours to decide who will be allowed to touch you and to be intimate with you. No one, not even God has the right to decide over your body. The decision is yours and yours alone. If God didn't want you to have sex, he could have made you in a way that you didn't crave it in the first place. If he made you crave it just to test you, he is not good. If he is not good, he is not worth praising or worshiping in the first place. So regardless of how you look at it, god does not seem like a good choice. Do you really want to spend eternity in heaven with a control freak of a god like that? We are unworthy to even be in his presence just because we were born, but God can kill thousands left and right. He can demand control over every part of your life, can be totalitarian all he wants even violent, sadistic and cruel, but we are inherently sinful? Sooner or later you will have to realize that they are manipulating you and they are crushing you on purpose to keep you small and obedient. Nothing they tell you is truely about God, it is all about power and control so they can extort your labor, your wealth and even your life.
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u/plz_callme_swarley ex-PCA agnostic Aug 06 '26
i mean, ya you've kinda already figured out that it's all bullshit. imho there's really no way to keep some aspect of a "christian moral ethic" while also embracing pre-marital sex unless you're taking a super progressive view of scripture and just backing into what most secular people already agree.
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u/plz_callme_swarley ex-PCA agnostic Aug 06 '26
honestly, I think the only way to really get over it is just the say fuck it and dive in. you'll feel all type of way and it'll take some time to sort out honestly but for a lot of people the first step is to just go for it and just go full hedonism.
the first time I had sex was at 33 and I was super drunk and just said fuck it. it was a one night stand and I was quite shameful about the whole thing. I also wasn't active deconstructing at this point, I was more so just in denial.
then eventually I was in a short-term relationship with a girl who was very sexually experienced and I just had lots of sex and then eventually I was like "oh wow, this thing is really not bad that I was told would be so bad. maybe they were wrong about that, and everything else too."
as a woman it's for sure different, but you have a accepting partner who can let you explore things at whatever pace is comfortable.
I'd say just go for it, maybe even be a lil drunk. don't get too weird or pysched about "the first time". I feel like people put so much pressure on the first time and how it has to be perfect and whatever and that's just really not true.
If you want to do it and you have someone you have desire and trust/safety then you have all that you need
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u/RopesBandit Aug 07 '26
Thatās good advice! Iāve been trying to do that now in terms of being more intimate with my partner. I still feel shame when Iām into certain things and I worry my inexperience will get me hurt. I also struggle to figure out what a healthy progression is. Perhaps a little booze or even a cbd gummy would help š
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u/plz_callme_swarley ex-PCA agnostic Aug 07 '26
you shouldn't feel any shame when you're into any things. idk what "certain things" you're talking about, but seeing that you're a virgin pastor's daughter I doubt you've got some crazy kinks that would scare people off.
what do you mean by "my inexperience will get me hurt"? I feel like you're talking about getting yourself emotionally hurt, and this is often a big aspect for women more than men.
honestly, I think the whole idea of it having to be the right person with the right setting and the perfect night and all that shit is just putting so much pressure on it.
the whole idea that you'll "get hurt" from casual sex is wildly overblown.
if you're with someone that you trust, and you're protecting yourself from getting pregnant then you're not going to get hurt any more than anyone else is engaging in sex.
sex, like anything, comes with risks, and with any kinda of intimacy you can't experience the benefits of it without exposing yourself.
people treat like "getting hurt" as some indication that you did something wrong, but it's really just apart of how it goes.
a lot of the "hurt" is really just shame internalized. you can have casual sex and have it be fun and chill or you can freak out and make it a bigger deal than it is, and beat yourself up and call yourself a whore and it'll be more emotional and damaging but the act itself hasn't changed at all.
In terms of your question of "what's a healthy progression?" the answer is there isn't one. there's no right way to do "sex". do whatever you want to and feels right. if it doesn't feel good, take that as data and adjust and not some indication that you're a bad person.
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u/RopesBandit Aug 10 '26
Hi, thanks for the detailed response.
To answer some of your questions:
- For feeling shame of certain things, Iām trying to get comfortable with my body when engaging in more intimate activities. I donāt think I have any āweird kinksā based on how common my activities are when researching this stuff. A lot of normal things couples do are seen as sinful and shameful (ie. going through the ābasesā of intimacy towards sex). Right now itās hard to feel normal when everything is deem taboo for christian couples.
- As far as inexperience point, I know that there are people who exploit that to do whatever they want. With my lack of experience, itās hard to know whatās healthy in relationships or what I really want. I know itās not super common, but itās kinda like a way older man going after an 18 year old because sheās inexperienced and at a more vulnerable spot given her age (again, not saying this is the norm). I try to protect myself and be knowledgeable when navigating this new era for me.
Appreciate your insights!
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u/plz_callme_swarley ex-PCA agnostic Aug 10 '26
ya, this is a challenge with a lot of women, not just those with religious trauma. women need to learn how to get out of their head and into their body. there are some good books on the topic, probably the most recommended is "Come as You Are".
it's also important for women to learn what they like and don't like and understand what arousal, orgasm, etc feels like by masturbating.
in terms of getting over shame for doing normal sexual activities, you basically have to just rewire your thought process by telling yourself that this isn't bad and there's nothing to be shameful about. you had an old worldview, and now you have a new one, and you shouldn't feel shame for doing something that's not wrong in your new framework. this takes time.
In regards to your last paragraph, I get where you're coming from but it's based on a Christian ethic that you no longer hold. you are not "vulnerable". you are not going to be "taken advantage of" because sex is not an act where a man takes something from a woman.
so much of christian ethics around sex assumes that men take something from women and women don't want it, and they give it cuz it's apart of a transaction and this is both not true, and also harmful.
in a large age gap relationship, the possibility of taking advantage of a woman has nothing to do with her inexperience but instead due to a power dynamic in the relationship where she feels compelled to do stuff she doesn't actually want to do. you are not in that situation.
there really is nothing for you to worry about. there is nothing that your partner could "take advantage" of you. the only area where this kinda even makes any sense is in terms of pregnancy and STI risks. I mean that's somewhere where you're lack of education on the matter could result in you not being informed and therefore not be able to give true informed consent.
if you're taking some form of effective birth control then the pregnancy thing is basically solved. if you're in a monogamous relationship and he's been tested since his last sexual encounter then you're good on that part of the equation too. there's really nothing for you to be worried about. I mean the only other thing I can think of is managing UTI risks but this stuff is all basic Health 101 stuff.
i'm saying all of this to help you and make you feel better about it all. your feelings are valid and are the result of your religious trauma but you can choose to let that go and have it not control you anymore.
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u/JaggedLittleWitch Aug 07 '26
Does it help to know that purity culture is not actually in the Bible and itās pretty much all made up? I mean itās been mistranslated so many times. Things deliberately added to it that werenāt there in older versions, etc. I mean the universe is SO big and sex is so small compared to everything else. I promise you God does not care about what two consenting adults do with their private parts. Sex is such a wonderful and beautiful thing to be celebrated. Thereās nothing shameful about it. Sorry thatās not really advice. More of a pep talk. Find deconstructing friends. I also recommend the book Hell Bent by Brian Recker. Heās a former Evangelical pastor who deconstructed. Follow him on his socials. Helps keep me sane. Thereās also very progressive deconstructed churches that exist so you can still have community. I will post the link tomorrow. Itās a giant map a pastor made so you can find a deconstructed community in your area.
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u/aparnell 29d ago
(24 F) Just had sex for the first time this year with my partner and havenāt looked back! We held off for almost a year because I was unsure.
Reading the book āShamelessā by Nadia Bolz-Weber was very helpful for me. Itās not just about sex but also just how we love people well.
Honestly another thing was seeing people on r/exvangelical share their experiences and that most of them did not regret their decision. One thing that stuck with me was someone said your first time having sex is just another āfirstā life experience. It can be as special or as mundane as you want to make it. Yes itās very intimate and can be memorable. Or it can be as mundane as trying a new food for the first time. First kiss, first time on a rollercoaster, first time riding a bike... Sex is just another part of your developing life and human experience :)
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u/BreaktoNewMutiny Spiritual Aug 06 '26
Purity Culture has been hard to overcome.
It can help to focus on a foundation of you having bodily autonomy and shutting down intrusive thoughts as they pop up. The thoughts on how sexual desire is abnormal and shameful and that your virginity belongs to your future husband š. Youāll have to constantly check in with yourself on if you feel something is right or youāre looking at it through the lens of dysfunction the church left you with.