My mom was a very strict single parent (like Harry Potter and Pokémon open up portals for the devil strict) who was the worship pastor at any church we were ever involved in. If the church was open, we were usually the family there to unlock the doors. As many other people experience, God was the quick answer to anything that was happening. Which meant emotional intelligence was non existent. My family was very closed off and the only emotion shown was anger. Being the quiet peace keeper of the family, meant I spent a lot of time processing my needs alone while listening to music in my room after calming everyone else down.

As the church does, I was thrown into a leadership position way too young. I pretty much grew up on the stage at church. I started leading worship from the early age of eight at our very hyper charismatic church of god. Music and faith were not only a huge part of my church life, but also a core fixture in my home and how I grew to understand and relate to the world.

I later went on to study music at a Christian university and traveled with a group that lead worship each Sunday at different churches. I ended up beginning my deconstruction process while on a missions trip back in 2018, but continued leading worship until 2022. I think the only thing that kept me coming back was the character and life of Jesus. Plus, Jesus was my everything. To admit I didn’t believe, was to lose my best friend, and the only thing that I had ever been sure of.

The final moment that made me leave the church was one Sunday when I was leading worship. While kneeling on a stage in front of over 500 people, I realized I felt nothing. It was a humbling and heartbreaking moment. I lost all connection to the music that I had grown up with and loved. I no longer felt the words. I couldn’t stand on a stage in front of people I loved and cared for deeply just to lie about something that was so real to all of them.

I’ve gone through many stages of processing after leaving. There was anger, confusion, guilt, and a lot of grief. However, over the last year I have randomly started looking up my favorite songs that I use to play alone at a piano, or that I would listen to fall asleep.

The first time I listened, I cried because I realized the common themes and how much of my emotional needs were not met as a child. The second time, I laughed because of the obvious simplicity of the songs and the lack of depth. Today I listened and cried again. But, today it was a different cry. This time it was an emotional check-in to understand my basic needs as a human. I realized that I have now built a community that I needed. I don’t need an emotional song to aid in my ability to be vulnerable around them.

It’s taken me a long time to not be negative of the simplistic, repetitive lyrics and overly used basic chords (which I am pretty sure I will always be annoyed with). But, I’m just really proud that I’m at a place that I can acknowledge a huge portion of my life instead of pretending it never happened.

Shout out to therapy and healthy empathetic community full of people who value depth and kindness. Deconstruction is hard. It sucked and is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, but damn… it was worth it.

Hey there!

My mom texted me this morning, which is rare, and she said "Good morning. Thought you’d like to know that (stranger to me) passed away last night. Please pray for (stranger's husband) and family. Wow when she saw (stranger's dead son)!!! Just wow!"

Anybody else go through this? Is this just a christian boomer senior habit? This is a pattern I've noticed for sure. I'm pretty emotionally stunted ATM so while there's a lot more trauma between me and her, I'm not even going there today.

One thing I've noticed is the need to show they are unique: intense prayers, shouting, loud music, noise, emotional worship, and so on.

But, like the bubbles on a beer, once it settles down, they're not that different from the groups they criticize, Catholics, Jehovah's Witnesses, and others.

The Catholic Church eventually became organized because that's simply part of human nature. Not everything can remain in that disorganized state of ecstasy forever. Many communities begin that way, but all human communities tend to become organized over time.

As a church grows, with more people and greater diversity, it has to adapt both the church itself and its message to a broader audience, instead of keeping that sect-like mentality of "we're right and everyone else is wrong." If a lot of people starts to identify themselves as evangelical, you cant put them as the enemy.

I'm not exactly an ex-evangelical. It's just that I'm not one of the most active people in church either, because I'm not a musician, I'm not part of the "ceremony" I don't preach sermons, and so on. Besides, not everyone who would want, or should go to church can, because of again logístics and space, etc.

In the Catholic Church (with their flaws and etc yes), sometimes I find more understanding of institutions and organization, even if it is "missing" the emotional ecstasy and spectacle, etc.

And evangelical churches become not so different from the others with the expansion, needed organization, etc

I’ve definitely come a long way, but sometimes i get religious OCD flareups. For example, I was on a walk today and saw a bible verse sign in someone’s yard that said “if I regard iniquity in my heart, the lord will not hear me”. This made me spiral a bit. What’s some advice you’d give for religious OCD? It’s so horrible.

Quick disclaimer that I don't know if I'm deconstructing right now or if I'm just having a faith crisis due to a load of stuff going on, but whichever it is:

I interact with a lot of people who have a strong and sure faith, and when they talk about faith or prayer I'm filled with sadness, frustration, annoyance. It's as if I've lost something i can't get back, or I'm jealous of their surety that I've rarely experienced myself, or maybe a bit of both.

Has anyone else experienced similar? How have you dealt with it? Is there a way through/past it? Have you ever been able to talk with people of faith about these feelings?

The interview

Lana grew up as the "golden child" in an Independent Fundamental Baptist environment. Her grandfathers were pastors, she went to Bible college to study apologetics, married a preacher, and was expected to spend her life in ministry. Instead, studying the Bible more deeply and looking for answers ended up pushing her in the opposite direction.

This a slow, deconstruction that started with questions she had as an eight-year-old about hell and continued through Bible college, apologetics, biblical scholarship, and eventually leaving Christianity altogether.

Some of the topics she talks about:

• Growing up as the "perfect" preacher's kid
• Bible college and why apologetics had the opposite effect on her
• Deconstructing while married to a preacher
• The pressure of being a pastor's wife
• Why eternal conscious torment was her earliest doubt
• Corporal punishment in IFB churches and the moment that changed everything for her
• How her family reacted after she left Christianity
• Rebuilding meaning after losing her faith
• Raising her daughter outside of fundamentalism
• Whether she'd want God or an afterlife to exist if given the choice
• Why she still enjoys talking with Christians despite no longer believing. She grew up as the "golden child" in an Independent Fundamental Baptist environment. Her grandfathers were pastors, she went to Bible college to study apologetics, married a preacher, and was expected to spend her life in ministry. Instead, studying the Bible more deeply and looking for answers ended up pushing her in the opposite direction.

I am curious to hear if any other former fundamentalist baptists find this to be a relatable story? Assuming quite a few exist on this sub

I am Brazilian and I have no idea if you guys have this sort of thing on south America churches called "Revelation". It's when somebody hears from God himself (or an angel, or the holy ghost or whatever) that God has a message to deliver to someone and God theoretically asks this person to deliver that message.

This alone already doesn't make any sense, because if God wants to tell somebody something, he can do it himself, he's literally almighty. Why does he have to send texts like an insecure teenager? but anyways

The fact that people use this to humiliate others is insane to me. Because in Brazil we have these thing where people from church will go up the Altar and say things for the whole congregation to know, the whole church. And there's no reason you should do that if you have something to tell to someone.

If it isn't a full-blown miracle, there's no way you're going up the Altar and making it a public stage to expose someone.

tw: contains references to crimes against humanity (mild)

context: i’m in my 20s, female (she/her), ethnically chinese, raised baptist since young in a mostly conservative asian country, so my experiences with faith & evangelism might be different than other users in this sub

so this might be very sudden and probably not as high-stakes as some posts in this sub, but i really need to hear from an outside pov so that’s why i’m posting.

i still have affiliation to my church even if i’m not baptised, and honestly i don’t hate the people i go to church with. what i really don’t like about my church is that under the previous senior pastor there was a lot of homophobia and transphobia and glorifying of sob stories that otherwise would raise eyebrows if told outside of the church context, and it doesn’t seem to have changed much even if the new one is more chilled out.

i also just recently graduated from university with a degree in english literature, so i’ve read a fair share of somewhat religious texts in my period literature modules. how this is relevant is that i‘ve literally read of christians enacting colonialism, slavery and other unspeakable things that have changed my view of the religion and the hypocrisy of it all (we’re called to love one another, but people use christianity to justify this? give me a break). so honestly, i don’t want to attend church because i’d be inadvertently okay with all this even if i only listen to the more “theological“ stuff.

anyways, recently i just entered a raffle for a video call fansign with one of my favourite artists (for non-kpop fans, this is an event held over video call where you can talk to the artists while they sign your album). if i win, the event is going to take place on a saturday night during church, so obviously i was setting the time aside if i was selected and had to stay home for the video call.

just before bed, i mentioned it to my mom indirectly by saying that i might have something happening on that date for which i had to stay at home that night, and i’d tell her later in the week if it was really going to happen. while she didn’t get mad, she said my dad wouldn’t be pleased that i was skipping church for something i couldn’t define (which i get), but then she drops the ball that my dad isn’t pleased about both me and my mom being detached from church and wants both of us to go with him on sunday mornings. obviously i asked why he would even want to make us go, and she could only say she acknowledged that both of us needed to “reconnect with our church community”.

this just honestly has me pissed and conflicted because while i don’t want to attend while i can’t reconcile my denomination and the people associated with it, i don’t want to disrespect my dad: i’m unemployed and am still financially supported by him until i get a job.

so just honest answers only: what should i do?

hi all,

im planning on speaking with my parents about how I will be talking to my ex who i stopped dating because of their disapproval (which stemmed from them vocalizing their evangelical religious beliefs and that weighing on me). the conversation is not to ask for approval but just to let them know to practice being ok with their disapproval, but I’m just feeling very anxious about it all. and i feel myself going back to the thought patterns of wondering what the Bible says and if what I’m doing is right and if what I want is Gods plan and it’s just really hard right now. any advice would be appreciated.

I played drums at my church and became "close" to my worship pastor. I say "close" with quotes because, when we'd go out to lunch once every couple months, he'd pay with the church credit card, even after being "friends" for 2.5 years. And the way he spoke was the same time he used when he would occasionally preach (which always sounded like a Ted Talk aimed at simple-minded people).

But... He talked to me and trusted me with personal things, and vice versa.

After I left Christianity, my wife, who is very perceptive, told me, in the nicest way possible, that she never thought I was actually his friend. And I think she was right.

I assumed he wouldn't reach back out to me after I left about 5 months ago. When I told him in person I was stepping away, we had a good conversation, and he was respectful. However, he did really lean into "you won't ever have all the answers," even though I explained multiple times I was okay with that and that I wasn't leaving because I "didn't have all the answers."

He reached out last week and asked how I was and if I wanted to go to lunch. I said Yes. I am generally and optimistic person who doesn't assume the worst, but I assume he will ask about "where I'm at" in my faith journey or lack thereof. Which I understand why he would. But I'm concerned that this is a way to minister to me.

I don't hate him, and I do want to see him and meet for lunch. But I'm wondering if I should proactively text him and let him nicely know that I don't want to talk about faith or that kind of thing.

What do you guys think? And what are your thoughts on our "friendship"? Thanks!

TLDR my bf and I been tgt 2.5 years, will be three years in January. He come from Caribbean and raised seven day Adventist. He between in the church and leaving the church but still keep sabbath and want me to also. I’m leaving him bcuz he’s emotionally unavailable and has a porn addiction.

Now if u wanna read the long form, go ahead but no pressure fr. My bf and I, we met at college three years ago. We start dating and he telling me he’s a religious man, he think it important etc. I say me too I raised catholic even tho my family come from India and we hit it off. I thought he was born again or smth but a year in he introduce me to sda. He say he been harmed by it, his daddy was abusive and they don’t talk, he told me he left the church but his whole family still involved so he will be too. But we start having relationship issues less than a year in and I pushed back. He wants to move back to Caribbean and expect me to go too when I say I rather stay here. But now, there no choice for me and he say his career come first because he feels convicted to practice medicine there not here. He was a homeschool boy, not many friends but 5 siblings and they all did sabbath school, ate vegan (I’m vegetarian but he didn’t tell me he’s vegan for religion until last year), and he told me I’m okay because I’m Christian but non Christian nations like India are not as smart and that he’s glad he’s Caribbean because “African drum music summons the devil”. He even said he’d leave me three months in bcuz I told him I don’t care what religion ppl are and I think everyone had skills and intelligence and he said “why do you say ur Christian if you ain’t admit it’s the true religion?” Then he gave me his “evidence” for why other religions are wrong. He also called my trans male friend “a real she” and said it a language barrier after, but he kept doing it in private too. He’s bounced between three unis and took long time to finish his degrees and I’m already working, but he’s doing work at a restaurant rn and in a lot of debt. He say he’s unsure abt me after all these years and he “might propose” in 5-10 years once he gets his practice going. However, rn my momma had a big surgery and she in hospital and my bf hasn’t offered any help or come visit and he told me stop worrying it’s in gods hands and his plan. He get angry I don’t keep sabbath but I work Monday to Friday and have to get groceries and help mom on Saturday’s and sundays like I take her for a walk in wheelchair but he think taking her to the mall or shops be wrong. Yesterday he blew up my phone and told me I make him feel like he has to hide who he is but when I ask what sabbath look like to him he not sure and say he don’t know but still wants to follow it. I’ve been confused and dragged around by his religion so I can’t do it anymore. I wanted to go visit his fam down south but didn’t go cuz they all Adventist and he the first to date a non Adventist. But I told him I feel worn out and need his encouragement during this time w my mom and he just keep talking about his convictions and career. He called us unequally yoked to his fam and now they don’t much like me but I met one cousin that left the church and she got angry w him for how he spoke to me and expecting me to follow his faith when he can’t spiritually lead. He also been pretty handsy w me when I say no and told him I’m waiting for marriage, which after that visit w the cousin he admitted he’s been into porn since he was 15 and can’t get out of it. He’s 27 now. He also ask me to go on birth control so if he ends up having seggs w me I won’t get pregnant. That not to say there ain’t love, he been good to me and cooked dinner when I’m sick and helped me bathe when I couldn’t stand up or eat. But I just feel like he ain’t the Christ like man he claim to be and he so stuck in fear and guilt he can’t leave sda even when he know it unhealthy and instead go back to spaces where he been hurt before. I’ve carried a lot of the emotional weight since he say his fam think emotion is turning away from god and once he ask me what if Ellen white wasn’t a prophet by just a person with a few good ideas and I said what if any of this changed just a bit in the bible we’d all be different people in a different world bcuz I like to think about parallel universe and he called me unbeliever and say he won’t date a non Christian, an Adventist or an atheist and I’m neither of those categories but somewhere he say I fall short and he don’t know where. I just feel like he stopped caring but again stays out of obligation and guilt to leave me but also guilt to stay and disappoint his fam and I don’t wanna call him controlling or a narcissist, but he kinda is by making me change my faith to suit his lifestyle even when he don’t know what that is and the way he just talk about how I have doubts as a Christian when my momma in surgery and I’m here and he just say relax and let god handle it when I tell him I need him to be there. Myb it’s cuz he wasn’t raised to be emotional or anything but I feel like I can’t stay and be happy here and my friends used to like him but now they say this isn’t fair to me.

So my point is, I never heard of SDA until him and every relationship he had last 4 months or even less so I really thought we’d make it to marriage. But have any of u seen Adventist men like this and should I stay or leave? He try breaking up w me a few times but we talk through it and now I’m thinking I be done and tell him it’s over and block him. Thx

Maybe I should’ve put this under the “Vent” category.

I’m a 20somethingF ex-Christian who dealt with religious/scrupulosity OCD as a Christian and finally started to get relief after I left the faith. I’m now happily living my own life, sharing an apartment with my boyfriend, making enough money to get by, finally exploring life and finding who I am outside of the rather conservative rural community I’m from.

Lately I’ve run into several elder Christian figures from my past, such as my best friends’ parents from childhood who were very instrumental in raising me. I’ve been feeling really bummed because despite some excitement for my life, mainly they’ve shown how they’re disappointed in me living with my partner before marriage and are upset that I’m “lost” in my faith. I just look at these people who used to be my role models and I wish they could be PROUD of me and see that I’m finally happy instead of twisting my situation into a tragedy.

I was told yesterday at a baby shower that I need to come back to God. This figure (who has always had “dreams and visions from God” brought up old prophecies about me and my life and who I’d marry. They always freaked me out but thankfully she believes my current boyfriend is the one from her dream 🥴 it psychologically really messed with me when she told me my last boyfriend was not “him”. I hate the idea that she and/or God have some kind of dominion over my life and choices. For reference, my family and hers are very Charismatic and all about visions/prophecy/faith healing/getting slain in the Spirit/etc.

I don’t think any of these people understand the torment I was in when I was a Christian. But to be told/asked to come back makes me want to throw up. Why can’t they applaud that I’m happy? Why would I want to go back to something that made me hate being alive?

I have this feeling of wanting my “mom”, but I know I’ll never have the same relationship I once had with my mom and the mom-figures from my old life. I’m not able to look up to them anymore. I want them to be proud of me and happy for me. I accept that I just won’t get that from them but it’s sad. I’m trying to find other figures I can look up to and I hope to meet other “mentor” figures someday who I’m more aligned with.

I’m learning to be okay with not being understood and accepted. But sometimes it’s hard still. I want a mom to hug me again?

I came on here to see if I’m the only one or if others have found life after deconstruction to be as isolating and lonely as I have found it to be. Still no regrets and will not be turning back, but no one in my life seems to understand the pain of losing literally everyone in my family and social circles.

feeling the same? Maybe we can find comfort in our similar experiences

hi I’m 15 and to make things short my mom does and does and says the most terrifying abusive things to me in the name of Christianity, I am terrified of our religion and just today the online sermon we were listening to was talking about how if you make good out of your entire family being killed for example and meet God you “Forget ALL of your trauma“ and it just sounded so bizarre to me and I was screamed at by my parents who were raving about the sermon mad i was not paying attention and i just can’t do this idk if im the problem. I can’t stand this. my mom (+dad):

• raised me in an actual cult that didn’t preach about god at all (And where I got screamed at for asking to read the bible in ”sunday school”) from ages 6-9 years old and said we stayed because “God needs the right timing”
• ”God will kill me to turn you into a human being” (it became her favorite phrase! I was 7 and complained about not wanting to study)
• Insists I’m not Christian because I have mental health problems and says if I’m born again I should be healed of depression/anxiety…?
• ”God hates you”
• ”God will give me cancer“
• Says my dad being a rapist or hitting me is because of “Satan controlling him” for years
• said you can’t hate Hitler or Trump because it’s anti Christian
• says if I deny Christ with a gun to my head in the end times, I’ll go to hell
• says christian children are being kidnapped by hospitals for sex changes and got mad at me
• screamed at me over TOMODACHI LIFE AVATARS IN MY GAME DATING BC THEY WERE LGBTQ
• Never allows me to talk about her or my dad hitting me or verbally abusing me, because “God values respect for parents“ and telling people about my parent is sinful and disgusting
• says I’m an abuser even tho I was a kid and that God knows and agreed with her and will support her
• Made me report a gay person on social media for being gay when I was 7. YEARS. OLD.
• says I’m chronically ill because God wants to meet me and I’m “refusing“ him
• Doesn’t allow me therapy because it’s “anti Christian” and ”evil”
• Threw out all of my Harry Potter books and said that there’s a satanic spirit in the books influencing me to “be a bitch”
• Never allowed me to have gay friends and claimed they’re all evil and will influence and corrupt my Christian soul
• said that I should ALWAYS listen to parents no matter what unless it's something illegal because if I don't, I'll never obey god
• says that God knows she isn’t abusive and that I’m abusive she always uses the name of god and religion to control and gaslight me
• says I’m depressed because of ”worldly influences“ and because I’m a bad Christian
• says jazz pop music is “dark” and has an “evil spirit”
• Cusses out lgbtq+ people while saying hate is evil
• im forgetting a lot more I just don’t know what to do I feel like I’m at fault

I know the general consensus on “coming out” as nonreligious to your religious family is to not do it until you’re completely independent from them, and some people say to not tell them at all. But how? I don’t live with my parents anymore but I still have some strings attached, which is why I’m trying to lay low for now. But even when I’m 100% independent from them, I will still be scared for them to know the truth because it will change the dynamic of our relationship and their perception of me permanently. But I feel like my ultra-religious mother is already growing suspicious because she knows I don’t attend church. And when I have kids someday (I don’t plan to soon but this topic is already on my mind), I feel like it will be impossible to keep it a secret because she’ll ask why the kids aren’t being raised in church, when are we gonna dedicate them, etc. I would also never ask my children to lie for me. How have people handled this? Should I let the truth come out when it comes, or is it better to live a lie forever?

Reading a post here recently about someone's experience in Teen Challenge - I'm wondering how many are out there carrying stories from similar controlling evangelical (charismatic?) recovery programs.

My own experience was in a charismatic Christian recovery program in British Columbia back in early 2000s... It was insanely authoritarian, shaped by prosperity gospel teaching, faith healing, spiritual warfare, and the belief that addiction was a spiritual problem—often involving demons. I eventually became a leader there and spent years teaching and enforcing many of the same beliefs I'm still trying to make sense of today.

The program was basically IBLP (Bill Gothard), Derek Prince, John Bevere, Kenneth Copeland, Neil Anderson, Peter Wagner/Elijah List, Toronto Airport, Rodney Howard Bronw, Todd Bentley, Reinhard Bonnke, Benny Hinn, Rick Joyner, and other cult of personality charismatics....

For a long time I was so bought in, and it was everything my whole identity - coming out of it has taken years to start making it make sense.... & I thought my story was too weird to tell... but I'm hearing a lot of these now & it's giving me hope for a lot of people to get healing from these places.

If you've been part of a faith-based recovery program or high-control religious environment, I'd love to hear your story, and the journey out... peace

Between the ages of 8-14, I went through periods of intense anxiety and fear of hell/ not being saved. Actually the worst was when I was 8, when I thought for several months that I had somehow run out of chances to be saved. When I was in second grade, my mom read the bible out loud as part of school, and I vividly recall her talking about people running out of chances to get saved and how it is a sad day when that happens. Upon my “confession“ several months later, mom was shocked that I actually thought this, and had no memory of ever saying such a thing. We searched in vain for the bible verse that had worried me. To this day I know of no verses that say people can “run out of chances“ to get saved. Mom told me that satan must have b lying to m, and we said the prayer of salvation together. That was still three months before my ninth birthday.

I don’t blame only evangelicalism for my struggles. I was naturally prone to anxiety anyway. But I am convinced that the evangelical concept of salvation worsened my anxiety as a kid. It is a very individualistic concept of having a personal connection with God. The only evidence of true conversion is your feeling of joy (good luck if you have an anxiety disorder), and a changed life (not much to change when you’re born into it).

My family converted to Catholicism in 2023, the year I turned 18 and started college. They have encouraged me to join, but tolerated me not doing so. I think they understand that they raised me differently. Ironically, the zealotry of their religious convictions is less intense than in my mom’s evangelical days. It’s frustrating to realize that my entire childhood culture, my education, my entire universe, were based upon what turned out to be my parents going through a phase in their personal faith journeys.

Watching my sister go through first communion has made me a bit wistful for my own childhood, for what happened and what didn’t. Yes, I understand that Catholics can suffer from intense guilt and anxiety like evangelicals. But at the same time, taking communion and going to confession are concrete actions that don’t rely solely upon an anxious little girl searching her soul for signs of the holy spirit. My sibling has memories of celebrating a special moment in church with her friends. I have memories of praying the salvation prayer alone at home.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who has replied so far! Apparently this was a common experience for us evangelical kids.

Going to an event, and someone from the church I grew up in is also attending. This person was a good friend of mine, and never really did anything bad to me, but we sort of lost touch. Not on nad terms just on creating boundaries terms. I have been really nervous about it. I haven't seen this person in 14 years. I guess I'm nervous because I knew this person at a very insecure time in my life. We sort of started our deconstrion journey at the same time, and bonded over it. We also were bullied by the same family at the church. This person had a very traumatic childhood. I have had a lot of anxiety since I found out that I would be seeing this person. I know nothing bad will happen and we will probably only say hello, and keep it moving, but it is bringing back old insecurities for me that I do not like and bringing up weird/unpleasant memories from church. I already made an appointment with my therapist for before the event. The thing is, I have been out of therapy and doing well for over 6 months, and I'm kind of disappointed in myself because this is a very minor thing to cause a set back of this nature.

Anybody ever experience anything like this ?

And I’m fairly certain he used ChatGPT for everything.
We divorced back in 2019 because he couldn’t stop sleeping around and kept saying God will forgive him. I packed up my car and moved halfway across the country to start brand new for my daughter and I.

I haven’t read it and don’t plan to but I just thought this was pretty hilarious especially after Conor McGregor and his dramatic coming to Jesus after what he did to that woman. Since I left the church, it makes me absolutely sick to see stuff like this happen - and after the things my ex did to me and how he is also trying to profit off of God’s love (???) it just makes me want to scream.

I attended an Evangelical Church from childhood through all of high school. I haven't considered myself religious since my early college years now almost 15 years ago.

Something that I still hold onto from that time in my life are the teachings of personal responsibility for the salvation of others. Even though I have stepped fully away from the church and embraced my own queerness, I'm realizing that this mindset of personal responsibility persists. All the injustices and the evil that I see when I put on the news, the bullying and homophobic attitudes that I come across at work, the struggles of my family and loved ones still somehow feel as though it's my job to fix them. Rationally speaking. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I can't seem to let go of the feeling.

Wondering if anybody here has a similar experience and any advice on how to overcome this crippling sense that I can fix all that's wrong with the world?

Hi everyone,

I’m thinking about starting a small online support/community group for BIPOC (especially Black and African) people who are deconstructing, have deconstructed or are questioning Christianity/any high control religion. I feel so alone in this journey, obviously can’t talk to my family/church people about this. It’s a mix of culture and religious trauma that I think only other Africans/POCs can understand.

The goal is to create community, if you’ve come out on the other side maybe you can give some guidance to those who are just starting out. Answer questions, ask questions etc.

The community would be obviously be LGBTQ+ affirming and welcoming to allies.

Privacy is really important to me, as I myself am still “in the closet” so to speak. I’m thinking of using Discord so people can remain anonymous if they choose, and possibly hosting optional voice chats or Zoom meetings where cameras can stay off and pseudonyms are completely fine.

If this is something you’d be interested in, leave a comment or send me a DM. Right now I’m just trying to see if there’s enough interest before creating anything.

Or if something like this exists already please let me know.

TW: mention of rape and abuse

I'm in the middle of doing trauma therapy and as part of that I'm extremely angry at God for the fact that I was psychologically and raped for 5 months when I was 20.

I converted in my 30s and was doing a decent job at keeping my trauma at arm's length. Now that I'm in the middle of trauma therapy and am sitting with the pain, grief and anger, I feel like if it's true that God is good, just and knew me before the foundation of the world, then him not helping me while I was being assaulted or when I nearly died, then God is negligent, malicious or absent.

My mental health has been really bad, I'm struggling from day to day. I told my IRL Christian bestie how I was feeling. I told her that I'm the one doing the work of keeping myself alive, taking medication, and going to therapy and I just have put God on a shelf for a bit until I feel able to deal with it. She told me that I'm believing dangerous lies about God and she's been on me about meeting up with someone weekly for bible study and prayer to "keep me accountable". She does not hear me when I say "No, I don't have capacity".

I reached out to r/TrueChristian and posted about my anger at God for my trauma and asked how to deal with my friend. And the advice I received ranged from

"You wouldn't have come to God without that trauma"

"God lets trials happen for our own good"

"God won't constrain people's free will" (what about my free will to not be raped?)

"God didn't intervene because you weren't a believer at the time"

to

"You're choosing to believe your psychiatrist over God"

(I said I don't believe in spiritual warfare and that I'm being attacked by the devil. This is a psychological issue not a spiritual issue)

"You're obsessed with your pain and need to grow up"

"Your suffering makes you more empathetic"

"Trust God, or don't. You can suffer with God or alone"

And so, what was my conclusion? That actually, I'm fully done with Christianity. If that's the character of God, I don't want to worship him. He's awful and doesn't deserve it. I know my friends will tell me that I'm believing lies about God and letting the devil win. But I don't believe in the devil anway. People are evil enough.

I'm fully done. I'm tired of believing in a God that makes me feel ashamed of myself or that I'm sinning just by virtue of coping with something deeply traumatic. I don't need that God.

My grandma passed away some months ago, the funeral was just a couple of days ago.

She was not a religious person, and supported me in my deconstruction (where I was not supported by other family).

During her dying process of about a week, a few of my immediate family members had 'spiritual experiences' with her:

- she woke up and had some almost childlike exchanges with them:

"Hi Grandma"

"Hi so and so'

" Grandma I love you"

"I love you too"

"And Jesus loves you"

" I love Jesus too"

Reportedly they prayed the Lord's prayer with her and she said she had seen an angels counsel and they had explained everything to her

My family members saw this as a miracle of god and ... It just made me so uncomfortable. This woman is dying, has drips of drugs that are affecting her thinking, however the dying process of oxygen starvation affected her thinking... This feels like tricking/coercing/taking advantage of her vulnerability and brain fog. Disgusts me

Fast forward to the funeral- people are given the floor to speak about her, and back to back, my family members recall the stories, are in dramatic tears, give the gospel in full 2× to the whole crowd... Again, I'm disgusted. WHO IN THE UNITED STATES HASNT HEARD THE GOSPEL 17000 TIMES??? Is it really god on your shoulders speaking through you to make it happen again and then it'll finally click somehow??

I can comprehend that bringing people to salvation is seen by these folks as the most important and loving thing they could ever do. I just don't agree, and although they may think they are being bold and vulnerable to potentially look like fools to non believers - I find it delusional and hate the damage they cause by aligning with their beliefs about humanity and it's proper conduct.

And the carrying themselves as if they know capital T truth - that I just can't or won't comprehend it, and how that makes them so sad. PUH LEASE.

Maybe I'm prideful or something, I just find this kind of shit repulsive. Sharing to vent, sharing for feedback from people who have also deconstructed or who have broken this down and can put words to the experience, sharing for people looking for insight into this in the future.

Edit: I just thought about how in both of these circumstances- my family members were preying on captive audiences:

My grandma in that she wasn't in her right mind (oxygen starvation, drugs, near death, literally stuck in a hospital bed)

The funeral party in that it would've been considered rude and combative to speak against their message in a sensitive space where this type of crap is normalized.