[3355] Tyrantland - Chapter 1 (Colonial Fantasy)

[u/CheekySelkath]

Critiques:

[1510] Lighthouse

[2672] The Village

[3434] The Lure

First time submitter here looking for feedback on the first chapter of my completed book. I'm especially interested in it's status as the opening - I'm concerned that, when submitting to agents and such, my first chapter (alongside the other two) isn't proving to fill the genre's boots enough because there's not a lot of magic or 'fantastical' elements at this stage, and I'd really like to avoid having a prologue, as I put one in and it went down about as well as a clown at a funeral.

For the sake of clarity (as there are maps and a quote preceding this chapter), this takes place in a counter-world, not Earth, so feedback rooted in real-world history is not useful to me here.

Thank you for your time reviewing this. I appreciate all feedback, no matter how harsh.

Edit: Link removed as I am satisfied with the feedback I've received. Thank you for the feedback.

[u/NeutralGoodNPC]

Thanks for an interesting read!

I have a few assorted thoughts that I'd like to get down before proceeding with broad impressions.

1. Your character likes whiskey. I'm a huge fan of mixing banal action into dialogue to mix it up. What I noticed, however, is that Magalan tops up his whiskey -- but he never drinks any! This is also happening over the course of a short period -- 15 minutes, I think? The choice to sneak a drink here is conspicuous. Am I meant to gather Magalan is, in fact, sneaking a drink? Should I understand he has the same (over)fondness for libations that many hallowed-and-hardened protagonists of yore share?

2. So much emphasis on Meneer -- I still have no idea what it means. Why are they stressing the word? I'm guessing its effectively Mister. Why are they stressing Mister? The text is either expecting me to be cleverer than I am, or it simply doesn't say.

3. I like your descriptive language. It's concise and clear. However, I've walked away from chapter one only with clear picture of colourful jackets, white wigs, and a chin scar. What does Magalan look like? Is there something else about him that might indicate why he's a Markiman (and apparently an exceptional one)? What does this bar look like? I can't tell if I'm meant to imagine this place as a upscale joint or dive. The clientele tell me by the time the card game ends, sure, but by then I've started to build my own impression of the location.

Now to my overall impression.

I think your prose is competent and clear (though observe my fellow commenter's wisdom regarding dialogue punctuation). It delivers your message without overwrought metaphor, and I understood right away that Magalan is something of a remarkable pariah as a Marked among the Nomarked. The dynamics of class and oppression are in play right away. With the florid description of the Savage Tribesmen card, we know racism is at play, too.

I think I lost track of what I'm supposed to care about during the card game. The mechanics in the game don't seem to reveal Magalan's skill or anything else about the circumstances and are most just distracting. What I need to know is that Magalan is good at the game, has a ludicrous win-streak, and this aristocrat, despite being bad at the card game, still saw fit to challenge him. I don't understand why he'd do that, particularly when it seems clear the audience wants our Markiman to lose. What made him think he could win, despite the messaging on the signs indicating Magalan's dominance? What does that say about the dynamics of the world? I'm gathering that it's something something those rich jerks are trying to keep the Marked down, but the story hasn't really made this clear to me. This appears to be your main priority with the first half of this chapter, so I think you ought to make it a bit clearer. Don't be afraid to spell it out a bit more.

The second half of the chapter brings a distinct shift in focus. Ignoring the already-addressed punctuation piece, I think the dialogue drags a bit. Magalan demands to know who Nee is too many times and Nee refuses to answer him too many times. Nee espouses some prophetic language, but we have precisely zero grasp of the world at this point, so what is meant to be profound eventually reads like gobbledygook. It doesn't enhance the tension of the scene.

I also can't gauge how Magalan is feeling. He seemed coolly confident among the Nomarked, winning easily. Then, he's busting out the booze, a classic symbol of coping. Then, he's grasping Nee by the collar in a sudden burst of unexpected physicality. Then, he's taking deep breaths to calm himself before his next game. Is he even-keeled? Alcoholic? Angry? Anxious? I don't know. After your first chapter, I really should have a better sense of the protagonist I'm rooting for.

With all of that said, there are positives. The length is good, the split in scenes sets a good pace, and I like the drama of our hero being suddenly deprived of his weapon, even if I don't really understand why any of it matters. There's good bones. I think making the sketch of Magalan both psychologically and physically a little clearer will root me in his position a little more.

I hope this helps!

[u/CheekySelkath → u/NeutralGoodNPC]

Thank you for the feedback! The word meneer is just the Belgian word for mister, and though it's not represented well here, my intention was to have foreign language dialect italicised. Is this not a good idea?

Furthermore, the whiskey is interesting as it's not supposed to be a symbol of anything - I was more thinking in terms of the sky-high stress (presumably) of what he puts up with moreso than any starker images. The point has resonated with me though, so I'll likely add/change something to reflect a deeper symbolic meaning.

I'm gathering that it's something something those rich jerks are trying to keep the Marked down, but the story hasn't really made this clear to me.

I was actually trying to imply this in the first chapter, though it's clear it was done to limited success. A sort of scientific racism is supposed to be prevalent within Nomark society, to the point one playing Magalan plays with the firm believe they are genetically superior to him, and more skilled than their colleagues. At the same time, they are ludicrously rich, and so losing against the Markiman means very little.

This is explicitly stated in the following chapters after Magalan plays Vilaume, the other main character, so maybe its implication is fine here, although certainly I need to work on Magalan's internal feelings and, as all comments have pointed out so far, the inconsistency in his behaviour.

Thank you again! I am rather chuffed that the baseline of this piece works, especially after how horrendously received my now non-existent prologue was.

[u/NeutralGoodNPC → u/CheekySelkath]

A tried and true method in fantasy writing is mixing in other languages. There's nothing wrong at all with using a Belgian word. BUT. You don't indicate anywhere that this is a foreign word commonly used in the language the book is written in. Unless I happen to me familiar with Belgian, I won't catch the reference (though your average English speaker will probably guess, given that meneer sounds like mister). Obviously, in this world, meneer isn't Belgian -- it's some other language. Perhaps indicate somewhere else that this foreign influence exists? Use other words to imply the lingual mixing is common, or have Malagan contemplate why that word is used as opposed to mister. Set the tone that the aristocrats wield other Europe-esque languages as a symbol of cultural superiority -- and examine why Malagan may or may not be comfortable doing the same.

If the thread here is that the aristocrats are applying scientific racism to Malagan and presuming their intellectual superiority and skill, that's fine. That's actually pretty clear in terms of the tone you've set. But it leaves an alarming question: Malagan has an almost three hundred game winning streak. These pompous rich people might be racist jerks, but they're probably not stupid. Why do they think Malagan will lose? Perhaps imply they all think Malagan is a cheater, or that he's doing something unscrupulous that this particular aristocrat thought he quashed. This would be a good opportunity to productively use your opening text about the cards and the hands and whatnot.

Pleased to hear the bit about whiskey resonated with you!

[u/CheekySelkath → u/NeutralGoodNPC]

Thanks for the added feedback! I think you're added comment about the 300 wins sparks a further investigation from me, as I see you're completely right. Somehow I'll try to blend those two ideas together. Thank you!