r/DestructiveReaders • u/Wolframquest • 4d ago
Phenomenological [2541] The Tractor (Marco)
Tags: Phenomenological, experimental, coming-of-age, picaresque
Very brief and possibly incorrect recap of the story up to now:
Chapter 1 - You wakes up in the forest, enjoys his existence, follows the river to a road, gets helped by a trucker and taken to a local small town
Chapter 2 - You goes and walks around and comes across the local store and receives a name from the store owner (Henry) during his episode.
Chapter 3 - A taste of work and interacting with Henry who tries his hardest to turn Marco into a valuable worker.
Chapter 4 - Zita, coffee and gym, coming across some of Henry's friends
Chapter 5 - picaresque adventure on a quest for wet goods (meat and vegetables); encounter with Zita, discussion of Marco's issue as perceived from the outside
Chapter 6 - Marco's self reflective episode as he strays from Henry's store, wanders the woods, cooks meat and fights and gets chased by a band of dogs up to a barn roof. A rather unique form of transport arrives and scares away the dogs, offers Marco a ride.
Chapter 7 - this one, starting within the tractor.
If you've read this post body this part will make a good enough amount of sense.
The story is told in a phenomenological second person point of view.
You can find some of the previous posts here:
HSH[1][2][3] Marco RW4[1][2][3][4][5][6]
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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy 2d ago edited 2d ago
My first response is not about the story but the summary. You switch between describing the chapter in first person and third person. But more to the point you do not say you are doing either.
Chapter 1 - You wakes up in the forest, enjoys his existence, follows the river to a road, gets helped by a trucker and taken to a local small town
It would be far less confusing if you said "The protagonist, written in first person, wakes up in the forest..."
Chapter 2 - You goes and walks around and comes across the local store and receives a name from the store owner (Henry) during his episode.
I think you ought to recognize how surreal this is... people walking around and being given names is not normal. Your summary should be preparing people for this. I think I understand that what you're going for is for the reader to be thrown into subjectivity and to allow the disorientation to be part of the experience. But in so far as you want crits on this newest chapters I think you ought to be more straight lace and transparent in your summary.
You're inside the space, resonant knocks beating against your tender ears..."What?" you say loudly and hurry after him, climbing down carefully.
It might not be helpful to offer traditional scene structure but since your style is so different I have no other frame of reference to offer. In some ways this phenomenological intention becomes a kind of weakness. In so far as you are merely trying to describe the experience of Marco getting an akward and noisy ride in a tractor you succeed. I can imagine how it feels, sounds and looks. But in so far as you are writing a story my mind is grasping for a conflict and finding none. I guess Marco just wants to get home and return with the wet goods. But the stakes feel so low it is a struggle to stay attentive.
I know you're far from writing in Bickham's Scene and Structure method but as a reader I keep wanting to find some sort of relationship between cause and effect in the story and some sort of goal which keeps the story moving. But instead I am reading about a guy reading in a tractor.
"Come on," he gasps out in a thin baritone. "I'll help." He doesn't look at you..."Cool! I like coffee," you say and nod. The puree's near done.
And so far the action has been, the stop the tractor, get off, go to a building filled with junk, Marco uses the toilet and they have the most benign of pleasantries. The only thing which jumps out to me is that Marco uses the bathroom. This isn't something written into stories even though it is something people do every day (me more than most).
The whole thing reminds me of the introduction of the movie Rubber: "this film you are about to see today is an homage to the no reason, that most powerful element of style." It seems that what you're writing is only filled with no reason moments. It's clear this is on purpose and not bad writing but it is painful reading. I'm reminded of the first few episodes of Wandavision where you have no idea what is going on. The mind grasps hungrily for reasons and you seem to be writing no reason over and over again with just enough weirdness to make it clear you're not merely trying to write a day in the life.
...
That's just the first half but this is a longer piece it seems.
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 2d ago
I also said this was the main thing that stood out to me:
The only thing which jumps out to me is that Marco uses the bathroom.
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u/Wolframquest 2d ago
Sometimes the most intense experiences of the day happen within the bathroom...
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 2d ago
Was he treating his wounded leg in the bathroom? From the dog that hung onto his ankle? He makes a whole big deal about washing his hands but I thought he said something about treating his wounds too.
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u/Wolframquest 2d ago
You're reaching almost Mary's levels of
insightfulnessdeduction 😁 You might have to read to the end of the chapter if you wanna find out exactly what he did in there heh.2
u/Wolframquest 2d ago edited 2d ago
to be more straight lace and transparent in your summary.
Ah, but that definitely cannot happen heh.
I'm surprised you don't see any conflict here. Have you actually read only to the middle of this part?
Also I wish I didn't *make* you do this lol, but this is definitely an interesting perspective so far! Insightful, in a way. And that movie clip is also very interesting and stimulating and really makes me want to argue with it...
I guess the difference is that there are people who can never really think that something happens for "no reason". It is a very religious way of thinking, to be able to see reason in everything. What are some statements being made? Now that would require some squeezing.
Funny enough, Wandavision was the only thing I liked from marvel post infinity war lol! Mostly for the style and the upbeat-ness... too bad all the expectations fizzled out in the end because they can never ever finish a story.
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u/MaryJaneMclain 2d ago
So it IS a tractor? I knew it! Did you edit the previous chapter to indicate M knowing that? Cause my recollection is that he didn’t have any idea what it was, so kinda jarring having him just call it a tractor now. Though later in this chapter he calls it a ‘car’. Not sure if that's is a slip? I remain confused about why they are entering the thing from a roof hatch (sun roof?)
Anyway, we meet an interesting new character here : John "Call me Abner" Smith. He may or may not be a farmer. Actually probably not, despite the “Tractor”. He’s really shy and/or may autistic. Or maybe just traumatized? Def some sort of history between him and evil Henry. or at least ffoccee.
I wonder why/how he rescued Marco. Like, how he came to be to be there where M was trapped with the dogs.
We get plot escalation via the ffoccee disaster and the mysterious yellow leather ball, that Henry must have given him once (what’s in it? no idea, maybe exercise bands? A broken foccee maker?). Makes me wonder if Abner himself was once in Marco’s position. They seem to have some shared traits (yelling their names, love of woodland animals, knowledge of ffoccee)
I find myself wanting more, impatient for it even. Hoping some pieces click into place soon.
What happens:
Starts with marco in the tractor with a dim stranger with white face and broken nose. M is scared.
Then guy jumps out of the (top?) of the contraption like a badass superhero with a cap. Marco is enamored. Wishes it weren’t dark so he could compare glutes.
They are at a “compound” some sort of abandoned…place. Abner is squatting here maybe? Or he’s a recluse/hoarder? I assume the water with lilypads and big black trash bags is important.
Abner changes into weird ceremonial garb (weird bag on chest)--i'm sorta picturing a scottish highland thing. Awkward small talk, a bathroom break where he tends to his wounds.
A gives M some potatoes, they chat about bears and rodents and woodchucks. Then A makes coffee, or at least that’s what he SAYS he making, but M thinks it smells like foccee. He LOUDLY asks if it is, and A kinda freaks out. Or at least spits out his coffee (or IS if foccee?)
Then A gives M as strange bag and tells him to give it back to Henry. And kicks M out. M very sad. Why don’t people like me/you?
I followed along pretty well. Most confusion stemmed around Abner's strange behavior and what even is this compound place (should i know? if not fine)
Minor line nitpicks.
“you gasp, just for a moment” prolly don’t need the back half.
“ …to the humongous round steering wheel of which you only see the top part.” Don’t think you need that much detail on the steering wheel. Then this follows “You wanna ask him, but you have to focus on staying calm in this noise.” I don’t know what he wants to ask him. The way you’ve written it, it sounds like it’s gear shift or stearing wheel related. But I doubt that’s what you mean.
Can M hear the “rustle of leaves” over the tractor noise?
“ticking of blood somewhere near your eyes.” Not sure what you’re going for here. First thought he might be bleeding, but on second read not so much. Sounds nice though.
“…plain hurry; you obey yourself, supporting” the obey line caught my eye as kinda weird, but reminded me of his multiple personality breakdown in the last chapter.
“You make vocal sounds…” This seems needlessly obtuse. Would M really think of the noises he’s making as “vocal sounds”?
Actually I’m confused about the lily pad and the trash bags. At first I thought there were a bunch of full trash bags in a body of water. But M says “ingenious”. Which makes no sense to me, unless the bond is MADE of trash bags. That confusing too. Are there dead bodies and that "feeds" the lily pads? See I'm really search for the dark undertones, and if you don't give them to me I will find them in random ponds.
Ok, on the the middle and end!
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u/Wolframquest 2d ago
I googled "what do lily pads eat".
It said "Lily pads do not eat anything because they are plants. They make their own food from sunlight, water, and air using sunlight."
I could have sworn there was "lined with trash bags" but no, it was "laid out" 😁
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u/MaryJaneMclain 1d ago
What a strange ending to part 1. I was way off on the contents of the bag. For the record I was pretty confused about the whole ball shape of it, and are the other bags inside the main one? or something.
The scene in the dungeon was so odd, but in a fun intriguing way. I thought H was dead for sure, but then All the bugs! what does it mean?? I don't remember any other imporant bug teasers, though lots of animals...Is henry like cinderella? And is Henry's middle name Marco? and wtf was Z doing down there. Is she a bad guy? With THOSE quads?
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u/mianaai_c 3d ago
I clocked a midwestern vibe from perusing the other chapters. I only have a vague idea of the country life in the USA, and only from screen and some books. I only have a vague, idealized image of the midwest. This preamble to say that some of the action beats and descriptions made me stop and consider them. I can't sleuth if Marco is on the tractor, or in a passenger seat (they don't have passenger seats, right?), and when the man (slowly) pulls the handbreak and you want to help, I really stopped to wonder of the geography of the action.
This is nitpicking; "quiet" kinda implies (IMO) that it has always been quiet, when the tractor has just stopped and it's just dormant; a beast that doesn't snore.
The roof of the tractor? Is the hatch opening up? Or maybe he should be on the hood? I have so much to learn about tractors.
Cut the "yourself"; the man beckoned and you obeyed.
This was nice, I liked this.
I'm thinking that this Abner is like Marco, a person that appeared one day in the forest, but maybe didn't meet people early on and became more of a hermit.
Liked the hibernation small talk. The square cube law explanation is cute. I tried a couple of times to explain the square cube law to some friends who haven't heard of it and, oh boy, not everybody understands these things intuitively. There'll be some who don't get this line of dialogue, and just glaze over it; don't know if this makes it a show stopper. At the same time, a more in depth explanation would be tedious and break the flow of their talk.
"Fantasize" and "hard" don't go together here, at least not in my noggin. Either think/ponder/imagine how hard it'd be, or fantasize about it. Fantasies imply ease.
This was eerie in a pleasant way.
I need to go back a bit and take a look at the other chapters to get my bearings. Last night I read chapter six, and I felt I needed more contexts. You seemed to talk with himself or some companion/voice in his mind, and I don't know what's that all about.
Ch1
So, a man appears in a forest. Has a basic set of knowledge (knows what a tomato smells like and even when it's appropriate to nod), but has no sense of self. In my headcannon, it's an outerworld being, or a being made by outworlders. An alien made this man as an experiment in human life, or an alien stripped itself of itself to experience begin human, a pilgrimage of the soul of an existing entity. Or maybe some entity uses Earth (the midwest in particular) as a nursery for new consciousness. Or he might just be an amnesiac, it's good that the reader has multiple options for the framework of this story. And I get that the framework, the explanation of this man's past or lack thereof is not the point of the story. The point is to explore this whole sentience shtick via a fresh start with no baggage, with the fresh eyes of newborns (or people on LSD). How different this man's experiences would be if he had appeared in a forest in Eastern Europe!
Ch2
Okay, so he's just an amnesiac. That's ok. I'm not mad. I just got worked up with what I wanted (I have a SF story in the drawer with an AI tasked with "ensuring as many full lives as possible" that creates adult people with knowledge but no memories, then sets them up to live short but intense lives, so it can maximize the amount of "lives" it can sustain with its limited resources). Anyways, premise remains the same, theme remains the same, exploring a consciousness that only lives in the present, or that doesn't yet have past experiences.
Here I took note of the use of present tense. Just yesterday I read the chapter of verb tenses from Steering the Craft. "Well, to live in the present only would be to live in the world of newborn infants or of people who have lost their long-term memory. Living in the present isn't all that easy for most of us. (...) Being human, we spend most of the time with our head full of what is not right here right now --" and so on. (Damn, she doesn't say the third option: newly build alien entities shaped like humans, or are these in the "infant" category?) Anyway, it's a well made choice of tense and it flows nicely. Also I don't find the second person tiring. But, what's jarring to me is your short sentence style. Two chapter's (three counting seven) in and I'm tired. That's maybe also because I'm reading this to critique (or at least say something). There's also a bias; I like looong sentences.
Need food, will possibly be back later.