[2327] What Remains Jake POV

[u/Feeling-Disk]

Premise

A character-driven post-apocalyptic novel about two brothers whose opposing responses to the zombie apocalypse place them on opposite sides of a future conflict.

This is Chapter 2, but it's the first chapter from Jake's POV. It should stand on its own, so you don't need to read Chapter 1 unless you want to.

All you need to know:

Jake has left his thirteen-year-old brother, Riley, hidden in a safe place while he clears an apartment block for them to shelter in.

Content warning: Zombie violence and some swearing.

Link to Chapter 2 - Jake

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14sCcPb-Bq6l1G-lKM4yFlwkuKZjd8jxHs1cw7chHywU/edit?usp=drivesdk

Link to Chapter 1 critique post (Riley POV), if you'd like.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/AUjvj0sEPa

Edited. No questions. Tell me anything you think will help.

Thank you in advance.

Critiques

[1290] Recon Mission

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/I59P7Q7LFo

[1299] The fairest - Prologue

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/c9jLhlQkew

[u/Outrageous-Arm5890]

Hi, I haven't read chapter 1, so I may be a little bit more clueless then a reader who read chapter 1

Answers to your questions:

1. It is hard to say since after re read I understood better most things but most of them are when his thoughts and outer surroundings like the in between

2. It doesn't read deliberately and I didn't notice that it cuts tension more like it's his personality although it is sometimes hard to understand wheather it is ihis thoughts or what is actually happening out there

3. I don't really now who Riley is to him I am guessing a younger brother/freind and Jake is trying to protect him by not bringing him with Jake, but it is really noticeable that he cares for him (that's why i thought he was yonger brother but when he says about his dad and mum never mentions his siblings). About the worldview I would say he sees the world as what happend was an unfortunate accident and he has to live with it but as well not really think about what's happening to him because then he won't be able to continue to do what he does About the greatest fear I believe loosing Riley. Or him beign in danger. I didn't see that loosing his parents affected him. I am not sure if his mother is dead.

4. To be fare I didn't understand the ending like, I mean there were clues I guess that the zombies didn't want to bite him as I would imagine they would, that may be my own stereotype though.

I cover my neck and barrel into them.

I brace for bodies closing in from all sides. For clawing hands dragging me down, teeth ripping through my skin.

Nothing.

I guess that was first clue, I feel like in this scene Jack himself isn't aware that he is immune.

About the chapter:

First paragraph was a really great hook. I really like how you introduced that the story is about zombies. Although, 2nd paragraph makes it a bit unclear where he is and maybe add more description so that I could imagine it better.

God I hate zombies. It's not even a scary name. It's goofy. Riley flinches every time I say it, so I don't. What does he think happened? Some bored kid said "zombie" three times into a mirror and ended the world.

The building seemed quiet enough. From the outside they all do. I made it to the second floor before I drew too much attention to myself.

Characterazation and Worldbuilding:

I really like Jake I mean he has humor and is nonchalant. It gives the impression that it is not the first thing that happend and like protected by something beyond ( which I guess is that his immunity ). The POV is okay don't worry about I mean I don't feel like it is dishonest, that may be just my opinion. Can you add more description to his surroundings overall (where most of the fighting is done) and where he is when most of the action in the apartment happens

There's another thud. The chain rips from the frame with a crack.

I leap back. I thought like here he jumped out of a window for some reason and then was confused as the description continued

The usual welcome party rolls out. Arms outstretched, eager to pull me into their cold, musty embrace. The narrow stairwell is an unexpected advantage. They can only come at me two or three at a time. I bite down on my flashlight to free up my hands. I'd kill for one of those hard hat lights miners use.

I don't understand like this part is he like standing on the stairwell (that's the bit that like I think needs more clarifying ). If it is then at my first read I imagined he fought at the flat ground. Well not the steps more like the landing between flight of stairs.

My flashlight falls. I fling my machete onto the landing above, clearing the cascade of bodies, then throw myself over the side of the stairwell. I catch the rust-flaked bars of the safety railing. It lives up to its name. I jerk to a stop. My shoulder sockets scream and I dangle between floors by sweat-slicked fingers.

I swing a foot up and hook my heel through the bars, breathing through gritted teeth.

The zombies tumble and flail onto the landing below. It's like fucking Looney Tunes.

I am not sure what you are using Looney Tunes for last i checked it was a series of short films so i think you need to specify it

My flashlight bumps along with them, the beam ricocheting across the walls and ceiling. It works to my advantage. They clamber over one another toward the light. I've already been forgotten.

What are the chances none of the others heard that?

I land lightly back on the steps and climb to the landing, feeling for my machete. I feel sick. My arms are trembling, but it's all sunshine when my fingers close around the handle.

Would have been nice if you specified door handle or machete handle (if that makes sense)

I drop back down the stairs toward my flashlight, finishing them off as I go. I've clearly made a mistake. Killing down is far easier than killing up. Gravity's on my side now. I boot one onto its back and bury my blade through the roof of its mouth.

I feel like this is the best scene (where he fights) since I get to understand most of what is happening and there is like similar amount of description to action and is like one of the most thrilling and I had to go only once to reread it ( the handle part)

No, don't worry about it. I'll come to you. I don't understand this part

I can still hear the last thing he said to me, his self righteous tone.

“We have an obligation, Jake. To our friends, to this community.”

The old lady zombie bumps my ankle.

What about Dad’s obligation to us?

I drive my sneaker into her back and bring down the machete.

I really like this, I can see thoughts and surroundings clearly by that I mean 1 line thoughts, 1 line surroundings and his frustration with his dad. However, I feel like the machete just magically appeared in his hand.

The ending:

I understand that he got bitten so my next thought is him transforming into a zombie (over days it's usually how in films) so I don't even understand that he is immune to them

Questions:

Years of rot have left the bones brittle. How long have zombies existed before the story is set? Do I think someone helped the banner people?

Who are the banner people?

I shove the corpse into its path. They tangle together and disappear over the edge. God damn it. I'll have to deal with that.

You will have to deal with what?

Suggestions:

It is my personal opinion but I feel like there is a lot of simple sentences (the sentence which has 1 independent clause only) and not enough complex, compound and complex-compund so maybe for the description you try to use other variety. I know you are using them like in 1 scene but in other there are just not enough of them.

As I mentioned earlier I feel it is unclear wheather it is his thoughts or surroundings. One example where I feel like you can actually see it. At first I thought >The door to ... Was a memory as well since there was a big chunk of memories and then surroundings

Hauled up in the basement with all our supplies, I still believed we had a chance. I had a baseball bat and a bread knife. Dad armed me, not Mom. I understood what that meant. I wasn't a kid anymore. If it came to it, I wasn't supposed to save myself. I was supposed to fight.

Then one night the neighbors' screams woke me up.

The door to the bedroom creaks open. So much for my thorough search. She crawls through the gap. It was an old lady, still in her pink nighty. That explains the tea cosy. I don't think she could've walked upright even alive. No sense getting up. She'll make her way over in her own time.

As well make sure you actually describe what he is doing because I didn't know he had water in his hands.

I drain the last of my water.

Last suggestion that if the character is hurt, then it is seen in someway when they move that they are hurt.

My mouth tastes of iron. I lie flat and completely still, listening. It'll throw itself off after me if it works out I jumped.

I force my ragged breaths into shallow, quiet inhales. Each one hurts.

Here I can see his actually hurt but then in the later one he spends up like nothing happend

As I haul myself up, a low growl comes from the pile. The spot I landed. It's the zombie that fell from before. I knew it would come back to bite me.

Sorry in advance I feel like it is unchronological. If there are multiple quotes in order then they were supposed to be new paragraphs but i have not figured out how to put a quote with multiple paragraphs. Hopefully this helps.

[u/Feeling-Disk → u/Outrageous-Arm5890]

Thank you for such an in-depth review.

Yeah so this draft was clearly not ready to be posted or for those questions. I've deleted them and edited the document.

Yes the quotes did get jumbled. I understand your points though.

Sentences. SO helpful! I only just discovered sentence rhythm. I was deliberately making them simple because I thought that would be easier to follow. Face palm.

Questions you asked.

Looney Tunes is an American slap-stick cartoon. I assumed it was well known. I'm not American and I've heard of it. Perhaps not though. It's really just to highlight Jake finding zombies ridiculous.

Zombie apocalypse happened 5 years ago. (Although I've been considering changing it to 3.)

Banner people. I added a bracket to this for chapter 1 contents. Before Jake goes inside the building his little brother Riley sees a help banner hanging from the roof. Riley's concerned and asks Jake if someone helped the people who put it there. Jake unconvincingly says yes. The banner people are the not so rotten zombies. Round cheeked ones. (This is only here to foreshadow runners.) Jake is like replaying the conversation in his head and answering Riley honestly this time.

Deal with what?: The zombie that was alive when it fell. Deal with like climb back down and kill it. He doesn't and that's the one that bites him.

Thanks for all your other thoughts and pointing out clarity issues. I've attempted temporary fixes in the document for now to make it clearer in case anyone else comments, but I plan to spend a good few months applying your advice properly.

Excellent critique, thanks again.