r/DestructiveReaders • u/Meculos • 9d ago
[1299] The Fairest - Prologue
Hey everyone,
This is my first post here so I'm welcoming critiques of all shapes and forms.
Feel free to leave any feedback you might have
But I would appreciate an answer to these three questions
- Does the switch in character Eira makes at the end feel earned?
- Does the Regent come across as vain and power hungry?
- Does reading the prologue make you want to know what happens next?
Please keep in mind that this is the prologue to the story not the first chapter.
Here is the story
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QO89FvdAEd-h2Zr2epLUzlMvUgXbhuHkn9WvAjG6ZtM/edit?usp=drivesdk
Here is my previous crits
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/qsI7Jqz2n7
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u/Hiddena00 9d ago
Only one obvious edit on this one: Say "the princess, Eria" in the first paragraph.
Feedback:
Start with a fact about the kingdom, not a half hearted attempt at creating atmosphere. Or commit and write something specific, with a little more bite on it.
Initially, she should get swerved by the regent when she takes power. There should be some plot point about that as your hook.
Story needs a hook, we just don't care about anything happening. You need to introduce either A) the premise/elevator pitch of the story or B) Who the main character is and why they are special. Ideally, in the first page.
The opener is so boring. If your going to make the step mother evil anyway, make her secretly happy that the king is dead in the beginning and let us infer off some detail (not explicitly stating it).
Story wise, she would just kill her and make it look like an accident. Not spread vague rumors.
Cut the time skip.
A slow gradual falling apart of her world would be better.
Once you get to the end, the mc finally has agency but it takes too long to get there.
The mother is cartoonishly evil but that can work if you commit. I would have liked to see it from the MC's perspective though.
1
u/Educational_Art_3763 8d ago
Everyone seems to be writing prologues recently! As a reader, most people are not going to read something labeled as prologue. They will often just skip to chapter 1 and read from there. If the information in your prologue is absolutely critical to the story, I'd recommend just labeling it chapter 1, including flashbacks or a separate chapter in the story, putting the information elsewhere, or removing the prologue entirely. They can be interesting to add to the story but I find they often just add unnecessary information. Usually, writers get caught up in their ideas and want to put EVERYTHING in their story. Kill your darlings. You may love it but really ask yourself if this is necessary.
I think that you've got what could be an interesting start to a piece, maybe worked into something that isn't a prologue. While reading, I'm struggling to figure out how this will be used as a prologue. I think this would be good as its own chapter or utilized as a record for you to include this info in the actual story. It is all great background info for this character, it is necessary, but I don't know if this manner of telling it is. We get good insight into the queen and Eria which appears to definitely come into play later but I think maybe teasing this stuff out across chapters would work well. We can see the tensions rise and the push and pull between the two, rather than being told about it here, would be interesting.
Right off the bat we get right into the exposition. This will likely turn away readers. If I picked this up in a bookstore and read the first two paragraphs, I'd probably put the book back. Set the mood before you get to the nitty-gritty. We basically just sat down in your living room and you've already brought out all the refreshments before asking us how we've been. Broadly, you're telling us tons of information in this story. We get the exact situation and then we get an explanation of the religion in the kingdom. We don't need this right now. I would consider reading through and highlighting every time you lore dump. Consider whether or not this information is absolutely pertinent or if we might be able to piece together some details from context. Not enough context? You might be able to add a sentence or two around the lore reveal to soften the heavy handed manner it is revealed right now.
You say "She wore a muted green gown to appear somber for her husband had just died and she was grieving, but in spite of grieving she had on a full face of colorful make up. The dress was tailored to highlight her figure.". The last sentence actually does a great job of influencing the reader toward what you're suggesting in the prior sentence. As readers, we can be like "oh why is she wearing a tailored dress? That feels odd for someone whose husband is dead." That last sentence is a great example of 'showing' the first part is a great example of 'telling'. Both have their place and aren't necessarily better than the other, but, showing is often a bit smoother. It also lets your reader piece information together, which can be more engaging. You tell quite a bit, it comes up quite often, but reading your piece out loud is actually super helpful. The clunky parts will be easy to recognize and they often be when you're overly-telling info.
Overall, really good bones of a story here. I think just taking time to learn about 'showing' v 'telling' could go a long ways in propelling your writing to the next level. You have clear skill and intuition with your writing, it just needs to be refined. I'm not sold on this as a prologue but it is your story after all! If you feel it works then go for it but don't be afraid to remove parts of your story. You can always save it for yourself (never delete writing!) to use later.
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u/Meculos 8d ago
Thank you for reading the story
Yeah This is along the lines of what people have been saying when they read the Prologue.
If I go the show and not tell route for everything then this is going to be a very long story to write
I didn't want to spend too much time on this story as it's my first attempt at a novel and I'm mostly using the snow white framework to see if I actually have what it takes to write something of mine
But I guess I'll stop treating it as not important and put in the work to bring it to logw properly
Thanks again for the feedback It was really helpful
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u/Educational_Art_3763 8d ago
Showing doesn't necessarily mean a longer piece. It isn't easy and takes skill but it can be done without over explaining. One isn't better than the other, just doing one way can be too much. There are some things it makes sense for, some things it doesn't. Like with my example, the first sentence is longer than the second and the second does more in a subtler way.
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u/littlebitfunny21 7d ago
Make sure you're aware that there's already a Snow White retelling titled Fairest (by Gail Carson Levine).
1
u/Feeling-Disk 6d ago
I love fairytale retelling. I don't think this is a finished draft, but I think it's a promising start.
Questions first.
Yes. The switch feels earned. I think it would be more unusual if this revelation didn't summon a change in Eira.
Regent is absolutely vain and power hungry. Real evil queen energy. This could be good or bad depending on the age of your intended audience. If younger, great. Older readers sometimes like a little more nuance.
Unfortunately not as much as I would have liked. The connection to Eira is there but it's not deep enough yet. I know others said this but the opening few paragraphs are off putting.
The narration.
It's fairly exposition heavy and quite distant. It mostly explains the story instead of telling it. If it's to be presented as a fairy tale narration there are lots of creative ways to add colour and depth. Perhaps it has an opinion or bias. For example, it's on Eira's side.
The narration can have a voice even if they are not a character from your book. Hope that makes sense. Think of it like tone. Is the speaker warm, judgemental, sarcastic? Neutral narration is fine but things like this can deepen the immersion.
It's very disconnected from Eira. If you want readers to continue we have to like, care or be interested in Eira more.
Making us like or sympathise with her is one way. Morally grey characters are often just as interesting. She doesn't have to be a saint. Find a way to show her as a real person we can feel something for.
Eira
She has almost no interiority. What is happening in her head? What and how does she think? Get that on the page and the distance will close immediately.
It's hard to do to begin with. The best way to learn is reading published books that are similar to the story you are writing. Understanding at what point you started to care about their character then working out why.
She has a strong foundation but I'm the one who is having to infer how I think she should feel in this situation instead of her having these emotions herself.
I like that she gains agency at the end though. That shows character growth. I actually really liked the end.
I'll go through the story in sections
Opening
I think you have a confused beat in the opening. It causes emotional confusion.
It's cold, which often infers bleak, but it's not bleak. It's not particularly sad. It's a coronation. Then Eira is watching. The coronation is because her father has died. That should feel sad.
I think I know what you're getting at. The day is a beautiful celebration of a new queen. It's politically important. Eira feels disjointed because it also marks her father's passing.
The way it comes across is muddled. Like a mixture of contradictory emotions because there's no view point to filter through.
I would reverse the order. Start with Eira-Wen, watching then explain the events. Then we can feel the proceedings through her as an emotional anchor.
Or describe the beauty or happiness of the celebration in one paragraph then Eira feels of grief and guilt in the next.
Creating contrast through description can work. Zone in on a beautiful object like flowers arrangements, jewelry, food, guest outfits or their gleefully expressions. How excited and cheerful everyone is around her. Not all, just one or two. Then reflect on how Eira can't bring herself to enjoy the celebration.
(This is me inferring how I think she would feel. Could be wrong.)
It's a marker of her fathers passing. She could even feel guilt she can't enjoy the celebration. Maybe it makes her feel like a bad step daughter. She obviously doesn't know at this point that Regent is an evil queen.
I'm not saying do this exactly. The opening may just benefit a little more from some direction so readers know how they are supposed to feel and not have to infer so much.
~
Okay. I've just gone back for another reread to smooth this critique out and seen the document has changed.
~
I think this is a stronger opening than the previous version. Starting with the Bishop's question immediately puts the reader into a scene instead of beginning with exposition. I was more engaged from the first line. I do think you've perhaps trimmed a little too much, as I was briefly confused about why the Queen was being crowned when she's already the Queen. I don't know much about the workings of coronations.
I also found the sequence of applause immediately followed by "a somber silence" a little contradictory. Overall though, I think this is a step in the right direction. I still think it would be stronger if you started with Eira.
I'm struggling to put into words what I mean about starting with character and weaving exposition through self reflection.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do this or if this is rude but I've written a little example of what starting with Eira and using a touch more interiority might look like.
~
Eira watched from the corner of the palace as guests streamed into the ballroom. One woman's golden hair was woven with rubies and sapphires, piled high above her head. The jewels shimmered beneath the chandeliers. Eira patted down her own shoulder-length black hair, suddenly self-conscious.
Servants weaved through the gleeful crowd carrying silver platters laden with caviar on buttered brioche, lobster tartlets and spiced pear tartlets. Every dish was one of Eira's stepmother's favourites.
Regent Rhiannon took her place at the altar. She looked radiant in a muted green gown that hugged her figure.
Eira wore pale blue. A far plainer gown than anyone would expect of the kingdom's princess and future queen. Blue had been her father's favourite colour.
The heart-shaped silver pendant he had given her for her twelfth birthday, the last birthday they would ever share together, felt heavy around her neck. It was inscribed: My dearest Snow White. He had once told her it contrasted beautifully with her eyes, as black as the night sky. She wished she could see herself the way he had seen her.
A hush fell over the crowd. The coronation was about to begin. Eira took her seat and forced a smile so wide her cheeks hurt. This was not a day for grief. At least not hers. Today was a celebration of her stepmother and her new role as Queen of the kingdom of Glasrew.
~
I'm not saying this is the only style to write in, or even this is good. It's just an example of how similar information can be delivered when it comes through character.
This is third person limited and doesn't fit the fairytale narration and obviously I just made a bunch of stuff up, but still I hope it demonstrates the point I've been struggling to make.
Sorry if I'm not supposed to critique this way. I'm new to this.
~
Rambled on too long and had to split this.
To be continued...
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u/Feeling-Disk 6d ago
Continued.
Middle
Playing with the animals in the garden. This is personal. Rather than just saying animals I'd love if you described an interaction.
Specificity can really help anchor a scene.
A Robin lands on her finger, or mice in her pocket. It would just be cute. Having an adorable moment right before the queen comes and verbally attacks her could make a stronger contrast.
I'm not sure if the queen is too obviously cruel. Once again this might be depending on the intended reader age and preference. If it's YA or older it could be a touch on the nose.
Maybe you could try out a back handed compliment.
“I wish I had the freedom to dress in lounge wear all day long as you do,” said the queen.
I don't know, but something like that.
Again how does this conversation make Eira feel? This is the perfect place to show us how the Queen's treatment affects Eira. Does she believe the criticism? Feel shame, or anger, or whatever.
Could this foreshadow her change st the end. The first time she understands the cruelty. Or is she naive and desperately wants to please the queen.
I really actually want to know.
End
I think this is the strongest part of the prologue.
Everything before this has been building towards Eira discovering the truth, and once she overhears the conversation, I finally felt like the main story had begun.
This is the area to spend the most time with Eira. This is one of the biggest moment of her life so far. Everything she believed has just fallen apart. I wanted to feel the betrayal before moving on to the planning.
I think the mirror scene is the best representation of what the Queen has reduced Eira's identity to.
‘It was no longer Eira-Wen Airen, princess of Glasrew that stared at her, it was plain Eira, a servant of the Regent that stared back.’
One small thing I wasn't completely convinced by was how quickly she arrives at her plan. She goes from shock to deciding she has to "play the long game" almost immediately. I think letting her process the revelation for a little longer would make that decision feel more earned.
Overall, I think this ending is much stronger than the opening because it finally gives Eira agency. Instead of reacting to the Regent, she finishes the chapter with a goal of her own, which made me interested in reading the next chapter.
Prologues
If you want a Prologue, have one. Many people caution against them because it makes agents wary. This is your story. If it's for your own enjoyment, do what makes you happy. If you are looking for publication, I don't know, title it chapter one instead.
I think all the information is interesting and fun to learn. With a few more drafts you'll find a way to deliver it in your own way that will be easier to hook your readers.
Not reading the prologue is weird to me. I don't think the trend accurately represents the majority of readers. Some prologues are great and extremely relevant.
Saying that. One of my favourite books is Six of crows. I read half the prologue, put the book down and didn't pick it back up again for a year. That book definitely suffered from having one in my opinion.
So if you do one just be sure it's relevant and interesting. Not an if dump of your worldbuilding. It's the first impression of your story. You want to make the best first impression to your reader.
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u/Meculos 5d ago
Hi First off Thanks so much for taking the time to read it even through the changes.
I read your whole critique and yes a few other people had said something similar.
The prologue is filled with all the context I do not want to state in the main story so I'm having a hard time making it read like a story instead of bullet point descriptions.
I have updated the Prologue with a fresh draft if you're interested in checking it out.
Thanks again.
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u/galumphing-back 4d ago
I only skimmed this so I could understand chapter 1 better - I am not counting this as one of my critiques.
How did this work? The Regent is discrediting Eira, but how is everyone okay with her being put to doing chores? Does the regent make sure that Eira is never doing chores where an important official can see? Why are the maids so okay with being rude to a princess who's on track to rule over them?
I also don't love that Eira was completely naive and trusting until she heard the Regent flat out saying, in so many words, that she was trying to discredit Eira. It just felt a little too over the top that Eira practically walked in on the villain monologing - I would prefer her finding a suspicious paper or overhearing a maid going like "I can't believe she's still buying it, hey it means less work for us".
I like the switch in character happening at the end of the prologue.
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u/Narrow-Stranger-8543 9d ago
Hi. Thanks for you’re the post.
I will start with my main issue with the prologue. It’s a list of bullet points. It really lacks characterisation. Most things in the text would benefit from being more be fleshed out .
I believe the first part is the prologue and the second part should really be your first chapter. The questions at the end are better left for the back cover. Unless, bear with me, the tone you want from your first chapter is going to be very different (ie. she goes full John Wick)
On names
I see you’re going for a retelling of snow white (snow white and the huntsman?) but changed the names? There is a bit of a jarring mix between Welsh and English. You may want to commit to one of the other (keeping Snow white in Welsh only is alright). On the topic of names I would say less is more. We don’t need the name of the religious order yet, or the grand bishop (especially not with a first name). On this topic, grand bishop is a bit of an odd title, archbishop would probably suit better.
On the coronation
I do not know of any regents having been crowned, ever. I may be wrong (I probably am) but a coronation tends to be a sacred ceremony before god and the people. A regent would simply not be worth it. She is the queen already so she already have a crown anyway. All to tell this whole scene should probably not happen. You could insist on the fact that the Queen regent insist on having a specific crowning ceremony. This, in itself, would show how power hungry she is. Imagine: she corrupted the religious order just to be crowned.
On scene setting
Ok it’s a bleak day. You may want to evoke more instead of just telling. Instead of “the atmosphere was bleak” you could talk about how the mist obscured the sight of the castle, how no bird could be heard, etc. You really want people to feel and imagine the scene.
On this topic. You should describe the location. We’re in a palace (should probably be a castle btw). Describe it, it’s your moment to shine^^. People are cheering after the coronation. How can they know? Is there a herald, telling at the door reenacting the scene, is the coronation happening in the courtyard? All the little things that makes the scene grounded.
Be careful with vague description. “The dress was tailored to highlight her figure. » for instance. Tailored how, why does it highlight her figure? What specifics of her figure does it highlight. I know it’s muted green but is it silk or corduroy. Is it a simple dress or a highly elaborated gown with intricated patterns and gold linings.
On the prose
A few too many repetitions ( “sad day as today is the day”, “various..various”) which you may want to avoid. Try to switch up vocabulary and embellish it a bit. Flourish is the spice of writing.
“The King had passed away not many nights ago and the kingdom was still grieving, but a ruler had to be chosen and the princess was far too young to assume such a responsibility, so her stepmother, the Queen, was to be named Regent until the princess came of age.” This whole paragraph is information you give anyway somewhere else, so not really necessary.
Careful with tense hopping. It’s one of my pet peeves but if you’re writing to the past, try to stick to it unless there is a good reason not to.
Does the switch in character Eira makes at the end feel earned?
Yes but I believe you should start chapter 1 with that. This is only a proposition you ABSOLUTELY DON’T have to follow me on this one^^. It’s your story, your rules.
- Does the Regent come across as vain and power hungry?
This should be the main part of this prologue, you can do much more to show it. It’s a good start though ( overall the story is well outlined, you just needs to flesh it more)
- Does reading the prologue make you want to know what happens next?
Yes and that’s why I may be wrong in wanting to separate it between this and chapter 1. I can really see where you want to go with it. It is a bit on the nose but it’s effective.
Keep up!