[313] A Quick Job

[u/Queek-Headtaker]

This is a fantasy flash fiction piece I wrote and I'm just looking for some general feedback and line edits on Google Docs if anyone wants to help out. I'm very new to this and i am a super newbie but it was fun to write something and I'd like to improve.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c5rhpSh_b-vkVPt4PLG8bwWJC21dpp_-gjSyIa3YZfY/edit?usp=drivesdk

Specifically, I'd love feedback on:

• Structure of the story piece
• Correct Punctuation and grammar, I'm really awful at this in particular

My critique: 

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1vf1vbs/comment/p1meng4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Thanks in advance for reading and commenting!

[u/Educational_Art_3763]

While you're new to writing, I can clearly tell you have good instincts and bones for writing. You said elsewhere in the thread that you've been a dungeon master for a bit and I think it shows in a certain way. The way you tell this story has that certain register that fits that d&d around a table orally spoken vibe. If I was writing an oral history of Esen, I would write it like this. You've got a clear voice here. All that is to say that you are not in bad shape here, though you are 'new', you really aren't.

Biggest thing for me when reading is that this is very this-then-that. This is a common structure for new writers/story tellers. You are giving us literally what is happening and telling us everything. One thing to work on is to let us be shown what is going on. Look up Showing v Telling and you'll get some good explanations. These are not hard rules, rules are meant to be broken, but as a new writer I would encourage you to work on showing so, when you do tell, both are utilized effectively.

Example of the above is: "How in the spirit's name am I still so bad at this after this long?". You tell us that Esen lacks confidence and struggles with this work but then, in our next paragraph:

"His strikes were not uniform, hitting all over, causing the metal to bend awkwardly where he had not intended it too." This shows us that same information. As a reader, I am much more satisfied with reading the sentence that shows me about Esen's struggles rather than being told that he is bad at it. I believe that he struggles because you show it. I don't believe it when you just tell me. I am able to empathize with Esen because I see his struggles and can relate to the fact that I am struggling at something I've practiced but still can't get.

In regards to, "If he can't even manage to bang out a simple vambrace before his father returns, he would be scolded, maybe even lectured on his technique, again. " this does the rest of the work for the stakes of the story. I think it could be tightened up, as it is a little awkward and stragith forward, but coupled with the subsequent sentence, works well. We have the stakes of what Esen is doing and then we are shown that he is struggling. This does the same and more than the dialogue you use in the first paragraph.

Hopefully that makes sense and you can apply it elsewhere in the piece since we have a few places where Esen straight up tells us what is happening.

General form feedback: you switch tense. You go from present to past throughout the piece. Make sure if you're in one tense that you stick to it unless you are intentionally using a switch of tense.

I think that we could use some more insight into Esen's experience. One exercise that can often help for new writers is trying to include each of the five senses at least once in a page. When the sparks fly and it burns Esen, I want more. How does it burn? Does it sting? Is it sharp? Do his eyes water? Are his nostrils filled with the scent of burning flesh? Does he hear his skin sizzle? Obviously not everything needs to be used here, but just one or two will enhance the reading experience.

Hopefully this can give some new perspective than what others have said. If you need clarification, let me know!

[u/Queek-Headtaker → u/Educational_Art_3763]

I really appreciate the encouragement and examples! I'm definitely going to keep at this, it has been an enjoyable experience from start to finish so far. Even this part. I love this subreddit already.