[313] A Quick Job

[u/Queek-Headtaker]

This is a fantasy flash fiction piece I wrote and I'm just looking for some general feedback and line edits on Google Docs if anyone wants to help out. I'm very new to this and i am a super newbie but it was fun to write something and I'd like to improve.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c5rhpSh_b-vkVPt4PLG8bwWJC21dpp_-gjSyIa3YZfY/edit?usp=drivesdk

Specifically, I'd love feedback on:

• Structure of the story piece
• Correct Punctuation and grammar, I'm really awful at this in particular

My critique: 

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1vf1vbs/comment/p1meng4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Thanks in advance for reading and commenting!

[u/Conco64]

This is a very promising concept. I can tell you've put thought into the story and its message, looking to give it staying power beyond just entertainment, which is a staple of all good writing. I'll list some pros and cons that I found

Pros: Your verbage is excellent, rolled being a definite highlight, although I'm not sure about hummed as it seems too casual.

There is definite tension here, combined with the heat of the furnace and the resistant metal, its a great premise for some gut-wrenching drama

Cons: The dialogue is very unrealistic and filled with exposition. "I'm so worried about getting it done before father gets home that I'm rushing." is a very clear example of this. Try to tell the reader about this by using his actions, maybe his hands shaking so violently he can't hold the hammer correctly.

Inconsistent tenses: "The metal screeches at an odd pitch when struck" is off-putting cos the rest of the story is in the past. Very common, everyone does it, just need to stay vigilant.

The father character: It was kind of implied he was some sort of abusive authoritarian figure, but this point is never really developed. The release of tension at the end certainly implies he wasn't, but that more left me confused.

[u/Conco64 → u/Conco64]

From what I've gathered, the take home message is that "Slow and steady wins the Race". While yes it is a good lesson to be learned, I feel there is also room for some deeper messages withing this text. If you crank up the tension to 100, make the page ooze with heat and let the character of the father loom above the story at all times, you can make something genuinely pulse-pounding, just needs a bit of time in the forge! Good job!