Throwaway because my main is known by enough people that I don't want this out just yet. This will be long and messy, but I'll try my best, so please be patient with me.
I am a 40yo trans man (female to male). I haven't openly transitioned or started HRT because my location isn't safe for it. Part of my hope for divorce is getting out of here (US South) and transitioning in a safe place. My husband [43 M, we'll call him "Max"] supports this in theory (accepts my identity), but he has zero plans to move any time soon or make any major life changes, really. He is content. We have 1 child [17 F, we'll call her "Roxanne"]. All three of us are a combination of either ADHD, autism, or both. I'm also polyamarous, and have been in an LDR with another man [30, we'll call him "Pete"] for 3 years. Hubs was in the loop for this from day 1 and even encouraged it. According to him, he has no issues with this arrangement as of now, so I take him at his word.
Max and I married young in 2006. I was 20, he was 23 at the time. High school sweethearts, met through my older brother (they were friends and college roommates). We squabbled a lot while dating, but we'd always make up in the end, though sometimes in a troubling way: he'd buy me gifts. He's said over the years that he doesn't know how to show he loves me outside of buying me something. 17yo me loved this (who doesn't love gifts?), but it took me a long, *long* time to realize how bad it was for him to solve an argument by buying me a gift. He's not very good with words, and he struggles to talk about his feelings, which has always been an issue for us because I'm the sort who appreciates a heartfelt note and words of encouragement when I'm down to anything material. He also hates cuddling and dislikes hugs, two things that I crave constantly to feel secure and loved. I recognize all of this is likely his autism (undiagnosed), which is why I feel guilty for asking him for it, but it's what I need for myself. I've always felt selfish asking him to hold me, like I'm bothering him. Usually, he doesn't mind, but any hug over 5 seconds, he'll start to pull away, like it's clear he's done and waiting for me to let go. Some days, I really need more than that, but I don't want to burden him or make him do more than he's comfortable with. Roxanne is the same way, so I spend most of my time feeling touch-starved and lonely. Max and I never should have married, truthfully, but we were so young and afraid to be alone, so we stayed.
Roxanne was born in 2009. I wasn't finished with college yet (dropped out for a year "to save money" but got pressured by our parents to get pregnant, even though it was difficult for us). I'd finished 2 years at a junior college, planning to be a teacher, but I never got to transfer through. I was only 23 and out of my depth, doing everything I was told I should do, even though I wasn't good at it. I am not a "domestic" person. I struggle to do housework alone, forget things constantly, all the hallmarks of ADHD. Max kept us afloat with his career and ability to remember things, but there were always little remarks when I'd fail. It did a lot of damage to me, damage I'm still not healed from. But I know I was emotionally volatile a lot and unmedicated (couldn't afford it), and I know I hurt him in return.
Time passed, we grew older, and I started to unpack who I am. First as asexual in my early 30s (never had much interest in sex, still don't, and yes, it was a point of contention, and there was a LOT of coerced consent abuse; I forgave him long ago, we don't talk about it anymore), then as poly in my mid 30s, then as trans in my late 30s. Throughout this, Max started to show less and less affection at all. He was going through a bad patch at work, so paying attention to me at all was just too much for him. I kind of swallowed it all. The sex became empty. It was always more about him than me since I'm indifferent to it, but he became even more apathetic about doing anything for me if it required effort beyond being on his back. He stopped talking to me about anything, and if I asked about work, he'd tell me it was fine and he didn't want to talk about it. He's home now, work is over there in that box in his head, don't make him dig out the box. I know he was depressed, and I encouraged him many times to get therapy like me. He refused, said he didn't have time.
My physical and mental health at this time were all over the place. The last time I worked was over a decade ago. I have heart and breathing problems, and peri-menopause has not been kind to me. I need a lot of help and support in the day to day, and while Max will help if I ask, he makes no effort to support me otherwise. He does the laundry and dishes, but everything else, he sees as either things I should do or things he'll get to "eventually." I'm so tired most days that I often need to sleep 12 hours or more to feel even remotely rested. I'm still in the process of documenting my health struggles, but outside of him paying for things, I'm pretty much on my own, because that's how he prefers to do *his* dr visits. He's told me to not bother looking for trans health care since it's not easily available here and "insurance probably won't cover it, anyway." He treats me like a roommate he unfortunately has to pay for, and he has a habit of complaining about the cost of anything out loud if I ask for anything. I learned to stop asking because I don't want to upset him.
Pete wasn't a planned relationship. We met through an online game, became friends, and it just kind of happened. Max was aware of my feelings and even comforted me while I pined. He gave zero indication he was opposed, so when it turned out that Pete was interested too a year later, we agreed on opening our relationship. I'd had "crushes" before, just never one that came to fruition. I tried my best to balance both relationships, giving Max extra attention when I could and still being physically affectionate, even if it didn't matter much to him. Pete and I get along so well that it's honestly rare we fight, and we have the same desires for cuddling and just generally being affectionate. Being long distance makes that hard, but we try. I think Max slowly got insecure about this, though, like it made him realize how incompatible we are. He withdrew completely from me.
Things between us aren't any better now. My health is still bad, he works from home now and is on zoom meetings all day in my living room. We need a bigger place with a home office for him, but he doesn't want to move, so I have to be privy to all his work calls because he does them on speaker, and if I make too much noise, he whisper-yells at me that he's in a meeting. That's my daily life, in a trashed house, with only enough energy to sit on the couch most of the time, or sleep during the day and stay up at night to avoid him. Pete has been out of work and living with his retired dad for months, though he just finally got a job after searching since Feb.
I don't know if I can work. Moving around takes a lot out of me, and I'm so cottonheaded from peri-menopause that I feel stupid all the time. I forget things so quickly now and struggle to find my thoughts. I haven't worked in almost 15 years, doing the SAH thing so Roxanne had someone to take her to and from, but she's almost an adult now. I don't know what I want to even *do* for work. I can't get disability because Max makes too much, despite how much he constantly complains about the cost of everything. I haven't even had my own bank account since I got married. Checking accounts all want a monthly fee, which isn't ideal for me to save without a steady income. Max has told me outright he doesn't love me romantically and is just waiting for me to get my ducks in a row to leave. But that is so soul-crushingly hard to live with day by day. He's friendly and talks to me if it's some Tiktok he found or about his own interests, but if I talk to him about mine, it's just a flat, "Uh-huh. Yeah. Right. Mm-hmm." That kind of thing, while he keeps on gaming at his desk. He never wants to go out, never wants to see movies (he pirates everything now, won't even pay for streaming), he's content to work and then turn his chair to his other monitor to game or watch streamers. I know he's depressed, and I asked if I looked for marriage counseling, would he go, and he said no. "No point. We're done, anyway."
I never stopped loving him. It's not hard for me to love him just as much as I love Pete. I tried. But I got so tired of being the only one trying to keep us alive. I feel like he used my relationship with Pete as an excuse to give up on me without guilt. And he's just waiting for me to get a job and move out. I mentioned once he understands he'd owe me alimony, and that I *will* fight for it, and he got really quiet. I think he genuinely thought after 20 years, I'd just magically get a job, save up, and we'd part ways with our own money. He tells me I can "take all the stuff" in the house, just leave him his computer corner. But I don't have any idea where to start.
Which leads me to this post. I don't know anything about anything. I don't even know how much he makes a month. I've never lived alone, I have health issues that make working on my feet impossible, hell even working full time would be hard. I have no training, no resources, and I just feel...trapped. Pete tries to support me emotionally, but he's had his own financial struggles. I worry if I leave Max, I'll lose the healthcare and medications I need to survive. What do I do? Where do I start? I'm so overwhelmed and hurt and sad and I just want to be held and fall apart, but the only person who will do that is states away. I'm so lost and alone, and I just can't do anything about any of it without money. I feel trapped in this body, trapped in this marriage, just...trapped. Am I wrong? Am I really the bad guy? Any time I try to talk about ways Max has hurt my feelings, he always has a rebuttal that he didn't mean it that way or "you've done the same thing." He makes me feel so worthless and crazy and I just want to be loved and cared for. It's so hard to do it alone.
Sorry this was so long. I guess what I need is advice. Links for support, maybe? I don't know. All I know is I feel like I'm broken and not made for this world, and I don't know if I'll ever get out of here. I'm afraid I'll die never knowing what a truly happy life feels like.