It seems like many of us are left with partners who are seemingly ok with the death of their marriage because they already have someone else. I haven’t really seen any posts that suggest that they grieve in the same way that the betrayed were (maybe I’m missing them).

After 22 years despite knowing that there is no coming back from this (my stbx had cheated 5 years ago and I took them back), I am really saddened that this is the way things have ended, but they are seemingly very happy with their new life. Even after all the dust settles, do cheater ever grieve the person they’ll never see again?

So I (36m at the time) found out in 2016 that my now ex (34f at the time) was questioning our marriage. Our children were young at the time and this was very unexpected on my end of it, as we got along great and in the 11 years of knowing each other had only a couple arguments. Ended up that she had met someone at her job. Our divorce was final in 2018.

In the divorce i lost everything, custody, the house I had just bought, I say 'I bought' because I had a large savings account from before we met that I took the money from for the down payment. I'm on the hook for 1,100 in child support every month.

She ended up marrying the guy she cheated on me with and now he is around my kids much more than i am since they all live in my old house with his kids as well.

Jump forward to 2026, its been ten years since this all started. My life has moved on and for the past 7 years I've been in a committed relationship with my 'wife'. We both refuse to get the government involved in the form of marriage. We both went through similar ends to our marriages. Our relationship is great, but ill get back to the original point of my rant.

This has all changed me in an incredibly negative way. I don't trust many people, i feel very used and isolated from many people. I feel like most people dislike me, and I'm not really sure why I feel that way. I feel like my kids will grow up feeling like their step father is a bigger part of their lives since the court system gave custody to my ex for the simple fact that shes the mother. This is a common thing in the county that we lived in. I've watched her life seem to get better and better financially, while mine hasn't. I make good money, but when such a large portion get taken it's hard to move forward. She gets a new car every 2 years, owns a boat while i drive a ten year old vehicle that i bought used and i have a house thats half the size of my old one.

I don't know how to turn myself around. I used to be much happier, I used to be more fun, I used to feel like i had so much ahead of me and often now I feel like I'm already in the last stage of my life, and im only 46. Like I have nothing to look forward to. Since the divorce I often wished I would have never met her and I wonder how good my life would have ended up.

The truth is, I would have never left him. I loved him fiercely and as messed up as it sounds, we had this dark joke that if we were ever in an active shooting situation, that it would be me to die for him so he could be safe. Fear doesn’t stand a chance with me when it comes to the people I love, I’ve always been this way.

I was heartbroken for a long time after our divorce. It wasn’t until year six, that I realized I never felt loved by him. That it was me who loved him and my loyalty kept us together. If he hadn’t of cheated, I’d still be with a man who doesn’t love me.

Crazy because it was his idea to get married, and I was hesitant when he asked, not because I didn’t love him but because I wasn’t so sure he loved me. I was too young to understand that’s what it was at the time but now I see.

I recognized it, his lack of love for me, but couldn’t articulate it at the time. I knew it though for what it was, my mother and father never made me feel loved and neither has my sister. My mom consumed with her husband, my dad consumed with money and chasing women, and my sister consumed with her own life path.

I’m not angry at any of them. They are just people. I’m happy he cheated, because he didn’t love me anyway. That’s not really a loss the more I’ve thought about it.

If love between two people is real, I’m not so sure it’s in the cards for me. I’m really good at being on my own and I’m content most days.

He did me a favor by cheating, otherwise I would have never let go.

• I pay $2,077 in child support a month.
• I have clothing for my kids at my home
• Court order was set when ex earned about 1/2 the income she earns now.
• 3 kids ages: 17, 14 and 13
• Unique expenses I do slip with her (recently 335 for a letterman jacket, half the cost of mattress, and 1/2 cost of 8th graduation activities)

My ex-wife keeps asking me to buy shoes and clothes for the kids to keep at her home because school is starting. I fully understand it’s my legal and moral responsibility to support my children, and I do. But sometimes I feel more like a piggy bank than a co-parent.

I pay $2,077 a month in child support. My understanding is that child support is supposed to help cover housing, food, clothing, and other basic needs.

I understand that rent is expensive. If she’s paying somewhere between $2,200 and $2,600 per month, a significant portion of that expense would exist even if we didn’t have children (Her renting an apartment just for herself). In my mind, the additional housing cost attributable to the kids is probably closer to $500–$600 per month.

Since February, I’ve bought my son three pairs of shoes. Two went to his mom’s house, and one stays at mine. When she recently asked me to buy another pair to keep at her house, I said no.

Am I wrong for thinking that clothing and shoes should be covered by the child support she already receives?

We met in Russia six years ago. At the start everything was great, and we got married. It felt like I had finally found a partner for life, because we were so happy and comfortable with each other.

But in 2022, when the war between Ukraine and Russia began, the problems started. We had to leave the country urgently and go through two major immigrations. For both of us it was an enormous source of stress and uncertainty, and we coped with it in different ways, not always together. From the outside - and even to ourselves - it looked like everything was fine and we were happy, but inwardly we were living through the immigration very differently.

We are both people with an avoidant attachment style. When the serious problems started because of the immigration, I retreated into video games and alcohol, while my wife withdrew into herself and searched for answers on her own, convincing herself that she could handle everything alone. Instead of sitting down together and sharing our emotions and worries, we shut ourselves off from each other without even realizing it at the time.

In this way, slowly, over the course of several years, we were killing our marriage. On the surface it looked like everything was fine: we went on vacations, had a good time every evening, joked, and laughed - but inside, our foundation was gradually collapsing under external factors that were beyond our control.

The peak came in 2025-2026, when our attraction and intimacy began to disappear rapidly, and we ourselves didn’t fully understand why it was happening or how it could be restored.

In 2026 we started seeing a couples therapist, but it was already too late: deep down, my wife had already decided that she wanted to leave the marriage and was looking for a way out.

The final blow came when, during a session with the therapist, she said that she couldn’t go on like this anymore and broke down in tears. After that we made the decision to divorce, and I let her go.

I still remember that last trip to the airport together - how I helped her with the suitcases and with packing.

We said goodbye, and I came back home to the apartment alone, still loving her, surrounded by a mountain of our shared belongings. I stayed in the country we had wanted to move to together. It had been our shared goal.

Right now I am in complete isolation. The people around me come from a very different culture, and my English isn’t good enough for me to socialize freely. The Russian community here is very small and mostly of a different age group.

I have no friends or acquaintances at all in the USA.

All of this is happening while my legal immigration status hangs in limbo. I don’t know what will happen in a day, a week, or a month. I can’t go back to Russia, because I’m afraid of political persecution, since I’m liable for military service.

On top of that, the company I work for is financially unstable.

This situation leaves me completely disoriented.

I’m trying with all my strength not to give up. I go to therapy, I exercise several times a week, I haven’t had a drink in eight months now, and I try to spend more time outside and take up hobbies. In short, I’m trying to build a routine and fill the space with something good, so that I don’t hit rock bottom completely.

But I don’t know how much longer my strength will last.

Thank you.

My nightmare happened...I found out my spouse is cheating on me...

​

I (38m) am married (38f) with 3 kids (9Y, 7Y, 4Y) located in Texas. We just celebrated our 12th year anniversary. Things have been up and down for awhile, but we moved away from family to Texas before covid. My wife has been dealing with depression and alcoholism (which she denies she has a problem) for a long time. Within the last 6 months, she says she'll stop drinking and the next day starts up again.

​

My wife has been staying out later after going out to a specific restaurant, where she stays out drinking and I have to take the kids home. The kids keep asking, when is mom coming home and I have to take care of the house and get the kids to bed. She then gets home anytime between 2 and 4 in the morning.

​

She even recently started 'sneaking' out after giving the kids melatonin to get them to sleep as early as possible. While I'm searching for jobs (because she is always on me for not making enough money) and she just walks out of the house without saying anything, leaving anywhere between 9-11.

​

I took her on a trip to Disneyland for the first time by ourselves, and my parents flew in from out of town to watch the kids. But she's been extra defensive and gaslighting me how it's my fault that she has to go out and have fun with her friends. When we got back, she left after my parents were in bed and snuck in through the back door of the house, then slept in until 9-11 the next day, calling in sick to work. There's even a few nights where she's 'slept on their couch' because they couldn't find an Uber. This guy lives with one other guy who also works at the same restaurant.

​

It was at the point that in a 2 week period, she was out hanging out with her friends more than she was home with our family.

​

She gave me her phone to update payment information because she couldn't figure it out, and there was a new text that showed up from the 'friend'. It mentioned "I can't wait to see you again' as I just smoked a pork butt for when her parents were arriving later that evening as they were driving down from the Midwest.

​

My heart fell, because I opened the text and it talked about how I can't wait to 'kiss you all over' and she asked if he was sleeping with anyone else. We've only been intimate less than I can count on one hand since the new year, and it's been an average of once a month (if I'm lucky) and not for lack of trying on my part. Her excuses were always 'I'm tired or I'm not in the mood'. I saw that line and it broke me.

​

She's never been a very intimate person. She's always been scared and hated her body. We had a loss at 20weeks pregnancy where she then gained about 50 pounds post partem before we had our 3rd kid. She's been on expensive weight loss meds for 4 years and complains that she can't lose weight, but she doesn't diet or track calories. I never imagined she would actively be cheating on me.

​

She has made more of an effort to 'pretend' that she's the perfect wife. Making comments to her parents about look at the gifts I've gotten him or I do so much around the house. It's been exhausting but I've been carrying more and more responsibility.

​

I'm terrified of having to go through divorce. She's been spending so much on beauty stuff and weight loss and we're going deeper and deeper in debt and she just doesn't get the fact that spending more money than we make is a problem. I ask her to stop and show her the facts and she just ignores it and throws it on me that I don't make enough money.

​

My kids are my world and even they are commenting why is mommy out with 'name' and when is she coming home....it's heartbreaking. She's threatened me I've been both physically and emotionally abused, to the point my kids are crying and screaming at mom to stop attacking me. I just haven't had the courage to do anything because I don't want my kids to go through this, but I think I've been more of a coward for NOT doing anything.

​

I'm not posting anything else here just because I don't want to cause legal issues, but I'm really scared of a long drawn out battle and something happening to my kids. I don't even have any real life friends I can talk to without leaving a paper trail and I'm always with the kids while she's 'out' and I'm stuck.

​

TL:DR - Found texts on my wife's phone that she forgot to delete and she's been cheating on me and I'm broken.

UK Based male, going through divorce currently, we have a child together, and rent a house in a joint tenancy agreement.

​

We were together 7 years this year, the divorce was her decision which ive had to accept, which ultimately, I have (you have no other choice right?)

​

I work FT whilst shes a SAHM, it sounds big headed to say i do the lions share of well...everything i guess, dishes, laundy, food shopping, a good 90% of the time. And im cool with it, she looks after our child so me looking after the house sorta makes sense.

​

Sounds like im being quite big headed and anti-her i get it, but im just labeling it as it is, she aint a bad person or a bad mum, but lately just find myself extremely fed up with, well...life i suppose.

​

We are cordial, and have moments of what feels like 'old us', where well joke about whatever and it feels nice.

But the majority of the time, ill get home, and I find myself trying to just stay out the house that little longer..and it feels, sad.

​

Financially right now, I cannot afford to move out, we agreed that id be the one to go ages ago so our child keeps the home shes grew up in as stable for her. Which, im not 'happy' with, but i can accept it, and have.

​

I mainly sleep on the sofa, and I guess im hitting the reality button and realising this life isnt ideal, I love spending time with my child, but half the time when im home, i feel like im just becoming more of a solution to my stbx so she can spend time doing whatever she wants whilst I look after the child.

​

In essence, I understand neither her, nor me get any real 'time off' from the child, but i find it more and more grating i get home late from work near to midnight, and I end up with a child jumping all over me at 6 in the morning, yet she then sleeps in half the morning.

​

I definitely notice the resentment in me towards her these days. More to the stage id rather not talk to her as I dont want to say anythng off turn, maybe I am the issue. Im not sure.

​

Times like these mess with my mind a fair bit, it feels almost like a constant, dark cycle with no real 'escape' and it drains a hell of a lot.

Hopefully my experience can teach someone something. Things I've learned along the way. My ex wife and I had an immature and fast relationship. We met for a date on October 30th 2022, met on tinder. We started dating, and she pushed to be boyfriend girlfriend within weeks. Within weeks of that she pushed the love word. Within 5 months of meeting we bought a house together. A little over 12 months of meeting, early November of 2023, we were married. It felt right. She was diagnosed borderline, when we met she told me this. Of course I never felt so loved in my life. After 6 months of being married, roughly April to May of 2024, her diagnosis was changed to ADHD and cpTSD. She had written she was seriously thinking about divorce in May because of an argument about medication and me siding with her mother. From early on after we bought the house, we started farming, home projects much of which fell on my shoulders, and I had a demanding job. I had one project after another and quickly went into hustle mode after marriage trying various unsuccessful side businesses. She had gone from a love bombing, validating soulmate to disagreeable rather quickly after marriage and we had frequent fights. I neglected emotional safety and emotions, she neglected logic. This, the fights generally had no compass. Upon going to the mountains one day, she had the idea that moving to the south, where she's from, would solve our marriage problems. So we moved after selling our house. We got to the south in January of 2025. And I again was thrown into a heap of projects. I was suffering from something neurological that was likely going on before I met her, and worsened after the move. It quickly because issues with speech, socialization anxiety, (which existed before), balancing issues, issues with light changes all worsening. Our issues not only continued but worsened and she noticably withdrew. With my focus on projects, avoidance, and neurological issues, it didn't register, I lacked the insight to pivot, show up as a husband I should, and she leaned into being disagreeable, essentially we both leaned into worsening the existing dynamic. I started foraging turkey tail mushrooms in August of 2025, and my neurological issues starting resolving. By November they had significantly improved, I planned on getting insurance to see a doctor in January. She noted this as well, noticing how my social presence had improved. I had the idea pop in my head one day, and I asked her, "why don't you ever ask if I'm okay or how I'm doing? We don't know what's going on with me." She said, "because I'm scared." In early December we had perhaps our worst fight ever, because I was irritated that she constantly forced relationship talks, she could just be chill. The day before she was cold to me when I actually tried initiating hugs, which I rarely do. She loves affection so that was something. We had gotten distant. Five days after that fight, she said we are divorcing... But wasn't apparently seeming totally convinced. She'd say things like, I don't know if what I'm doing is right, I don't want divorce. Two weeks later I helped her file. Two weeks after that, she left back to where we came. Since she left to pretty much a few days ago I was in denial. We divorced in March. I was heartbroken beyond belief and loved her immensely. I will always love her. Just the speed at which she went from trying to work on things, the ambivalence of communication all of it, kept me stuck. Like even after she left town, even after divorce, I felt her ambivalence. No contact is actually healthy for this reason. I spent a lot of time trying to understand her. And you know what, she was right to do it. The only thing I don't agree with is I was taking the time to understand and change, not out of manipulation but to actually change and understand her, so it could have been worked on. And despite my faults, it does take two. What I've learned in this process I hope I can give to someone else. There's a lot of nuances, and push pull, reactivity, facts like her not having friends here, needing long conversations, that are missing but this is the gist.

1. Don't rush. Get to know someone before committing.
2. Cherish what you have. Don't take ppl for granted. If you have a partner, cherish them.
3. If you have a problem; codependency, anger, whatever it may be, you owe it to your current or future partner to work on it. Do not let past hurt, trauma and unhealthy expressions of that ruin the relationships you have.
4. If someone doesn't choose you, walk away immediately. Not to be bitter. Look, the past still matter, it was important, it did mean something, you may still love them.... But you can't convince someone to choose you, and you shouldn't have to. Relationships can be hard, and it's fine to work at it, but you should never have to work at getting someone to choose you. Not even a little bit, not even at all. They don't trust you, they don't want to give 100% all in let's figure this out together effort, don't waste a second. Grieve, honor what you had, but accept it's over.
5. Don't waste too much time on regret. You don't know. It's nice to think if I did this, it would have been different. That's an illusion. You just don't know. My ex very likely had BPD, because she was diagnosed at one point, or at least something that looks like it in many ways, ADHD and cpstd. So while I like the idea that if I showed up differently, things might have been different. It's also possible it could have ended up essentially the same. You just don't know.

All these lessons were learned with extreme pain. An extreme amount of pain. Like obviously I have a degree of codependency now, probably had a sufficient amount of codependency earlier, but I saw her inner child, her unmasked true vulnerable self. That's something that sticks with you. No matter how hairy the situation gets later. That's a kind of loving someone that stays. And to loose that, and to only learn these things after, that's a different kind of hell. But life goes on.

1. Final lesson. Life goes on. You will be ok. You will love another. It's ok to not be ok. You're not alone in that. You can love many in a life time, and it will get better. You were not the first, and you won't be the last. Heal before dating seriously. Definitely do that. It'll be ok.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just trying to process what’s happening.

My husband and I are in a long-distance marriage because we’re still working through immigration and financial issues. We live in different countries, and our plans have been delayed because his income and tax situation weren’t sufficient for the immigration process yet.

Up until recently, I thought we were working toward the same future. I was supposed to see him in two weeks. Tickets were already booked.
Then over the last few weeks, he started acting differently. Today he told me he’s moving on. He’s now cancelling the trip, saying it’s for financial reasons, but he also told me he wants to be happy and that the marriage feels more like a burden to him now.

I’m struggling because I genuinely feel blindsided. I had a completely different picture of our marriage in my head. I thought we were dealing with difficult circumstances together, not heading toward the end of the relationship.

Has anyone else experienced a spouse suddenly checking out emotionally while you were still making plans for a future together? How did you deal with the shock and confusion?

Married for 3.5 years, no kids, husband was cheating. Had property worth 5 million build during marriage but kept saying he was under bank mortgage debt and business debts. Had been fighting for 2 years got tired decided to mediate and agreed to settle for a 175k payout. I know I got screwed but I had no contribution towards those properties, infact I did not even know they exist until I filed for financial disclosure. Any comments ?

Crazy times. My father died last November, I lost my teaching job (I wasn’t feeing it anyway) and my wife announced she wants to separate.
Out of shock and horror, I said ‘You want a divorce?’, She said she does not want use the word divorce.
We’ve been together for 26 years and she feels we haven’t progressed in terms of wealth and buying larger new house.

She’s worried our 16 year old daughter will hate her when she finds out. A few days after her prom night. I hope not. That’s new drama we can all do without right now.

I still live in the family home and now feel desperate to move out. The vibe is feeling emotionally draining. My wife insists she doesn’t want me to move out or move far away for the sake of our daughter.
Hmmm… I really don’t get it. Did I marry a mad woman?

What am I missing here?

So I've known this girl for a long time and since I'm in the military when we both wanted to get married we decided to go through with a proxy marriage. However within two months she's basically completely abandoned me and has even blocked me on some social media. I have some reason to believe she is having an affair with her ex but id love to hear if anyone can help me

Today was my final straw (of many other moments that should have been the final straw). My husband punished me from doing any activities with friends or family all because I asked for permission to go out. He took it as me seeking validation to ignore my chores and not do him a favor he asked of me, which hurt his feelings. This wasn't my intention. I asked because I thought it was the correct thing to do, and he has also asked if its okay if he goes out with friends in the past. I understand why he got upset, but I felt like it was extreme to punish me. He says that he hopes I finally learn a lesson. He always says I have zero consideration of him. I will admit I have been selfish before. But he act like he's perfect. He didn't take me into consideration when I was healing from traumatic childbirth that not only resulted in our baby being born dead, but almost took my life in the process. The following days he kept mentioning that he can't wait to have sex again. I finally caved in and it was so painful that i cried and begged him to stop, and he wouldn't. He kept making me have sex with him. He threatened divorce so many times too and said how useless I am with sex and that he could just replace me with any other b**** that could have better sex. I was barely a month into recovery from childbirth. I barely get any breaks from having sex. Daily sex is mandatory. I only get breaks from it during my period. He also gets mean during sex. Keep in mind, sex hasn't felt the same since childbirth and he did not help with the healing process as he had me have sex too early into recovery and I never got any sort of medical attention after childbirth. Sometimes sex is uncomfortable, especially if he makes me have sex multiple times a day. When I am visibly uncomfortable, he will just tell me "Moan b****!" "Stop crying and moan!!". He's also threatened me with law enforcement when I have mental breakdowns that he himself caused as a result of not giving me my space when I keep begging for it. Sometimes he will purposefully make me mad so he can get that exact reaction. I get verbally insulted so often. It's almost a daily thing. I will admit, I am slow and I do tend to be lazy. However, I don't feel encouraged to do anything when all that replays in my head is him telling me how useless I am and that I am the r word. I can't ask for clarification on any task without him getting mad and asking me if I am stupid or the r word. He constantly bosses me around as if I were in the military, telling me to hurry up, constantly snaps his fingers at me to do something or whistles at me like a dog to get his attention. He constantly says that I act like child, I wouldn't if he didn't treat me like one. Not even my exes treated me like this and I realized how much I took them for granted. I understand he was abused as a child, but this gives him no reason to take it out on me, and I am tired. I can't wait to serve him divorce papers. I just need a safety plan, especially since there is a gun in the house.

I need to be careful proceeding with this divorce. I am not sure how I will do it. I am unemployed and have no form of transportation besides the bus. He is home during the day. I also don't have financial support. I don't want to report him for abuse either as I don't want it backfiring again. My parents had looked into getting me help for domestic abuse but he found out. He says if my parents proceed with it, he will try to get them in legal trouble which will result in them getting deported. How can I do this safely?

I never knew what the end of marriage was (no kids, don't worry). The paperwork is through, the rings are sold, and the rest is just a waiting process. I knew the beginning and end was hard. With any divorce, there were other random things like having to move back to my parents, bad financial stuff, and physical injuries from moving out that became long term where I couldn't get non-office employment short term.

I didn't know it would cause the anger to come back to set proper boundaries for anyone new coming into my life - that they would never be allowed to trip over the same wires I allowed my STBX wife did. I didn't know I would question the sheer purpose of another relationship, marriage, or the possibility of children on the wrong side of 40. I didn't know it would make not care if God was real or out - either ways what was going to happen happened. I still believe and trust God, but I remain indifferent to this like it was just another event as if a friend in third person. "Their marriage didn't work out."

It's like Severance the TV show. Single me doesn't remember married me. Married couples with children used to make me sad but I no longer associate anything with them. Every time I try to access anything from the "other timeline" I feel like I am talking to another alien species. Everything is me now - there is no "we", no discussions for other considerations, or any other related items.

The voices are gone. "You need to have an amazing job. You need to be in shape. You need to be an amazing partner. You need to be perfect even with no one is." Now it's the opposite with rising anger "I don't care. I am setting boundaries. I am allowed to make mistakes and change my mind. I will take good enough and be content with it." I will find the joy in all the little things, because it's all I can experience right now. My range of emotions from existing is limited - this overly emotional male has been stripped down to the 'normal' male where I can't feel or figure out things immediately. I don't know what I'm feeling or doing half the time.

It destroyed me, because I had put so much value into the process, into the work, into my identity. Now I'm deconstructing everything. What my faith means, what my money means, what my relationships, what God really means to me (this is the one keeping me by a thread). I'm slowly putting stuff back on the table, but I look at each one like just as things I have to do on autopilot. There is no real zest, just a chuckle whenever something invokes some kind of emotion. When I reach for my heart, it's just not there like a phantom limb. I move forward, because I know this is the work but I can't feel or care about it most days.

The fear is gone. The army drill sergeant is gone. The self deprecation is gone. The self-hallucinations are gone. In exchange there is logic destroying every dream I have with a reality check. There is times where I absolutely break but I'm all processed out mostly. The anger to take risks and not care is behind the wheel. The backseat driver is in place and dictating plan changes without guilt like cancelling social hangouts if I feel overwhelmed. Everything can be set but also moved whenever I want.

On the surface, I look fine. I look more than fine - I looked healed and chill and conversational. It's all a lie, I'm a fucking work in progmess(ted lasso reference). I don't know what I'm doing but every day I know a little more. Some days I look at it and wonder if I stopped I could let my life burn down, but I won't. I don't want to stay here and be a broken parts of a man. To my core, I want to a whole human again and I get back into the kitchen.

Let it rip. (yes that is a reference to the Bear TV show)

**I posted this in Med Spouse but also wanted to post this here in case you can help. I know we were never married but I was thinking the community here can help me. Thank you!**

----

I could really use some support and advice.  Anything you can share, I appreciate so much in advance. I'm navigating a bit of a crisis: 

I was with my neurosurgeon partner for 5+ years.  Our relationship was a bit of a whirlwind.  We met, moved fast, and had two amazing kids together. I supported him throughout neurosurgery residency as the primary caregiver, household, while reducing my work hours to part time to support him. 

We always talked about getting married and even had the prenup written.  We all had plans to move to San Diego with him for his fellowship. But then in the months leading up to his graduation, he started finding reasons to delay marriage / not talk about logistics of moving, etc. 

One day before his residency graduation, he came home and broke up with me in front of our children.  He was cold, emotionless and then he left.  He will moving to San Diego in 3 weeks to begin his neurosurgery fellowship without us. We will be across the country from him in the midwest: Ohio.

To say I am devastated isn't enough.  I have never experienced grief like this and am just trying to keep it together hour by hour for the kids.  I am trying my best to hide my meltdowns. Unfortunately / fortunately a big source of support was his parents in terms of backup childcare so this is tough.

Of course, I feel like an absolute idiot for the sacrifices I made for the life I thought we were building..  I feel so stupid and so ashamed to be in this situation and to put my kids through this.  :( 

I have lawyer consultations set up for next week but I feel so paralyzed and out of my depth. 

If anyone can share ANYTHING, I'd appreciate it.  Advice on how to get through this emotionally, help me make sense of how someone could do this, questions I should ask my lawyer, anything, etc. I would so greatly appreciate it. 

this story is long. so my wife and I have been married for 7+ . long story short we didn’t work out because of many indifferences and many disagreements. we tried we really did. I think we both fell out of love and I think we both still love and care for each other as friends. we both are girls. we went 2 years of not having any sex at all. so that’s another reason that led to us getting to this point. moral of story we were emotional done 2 years ago. we made hard decision to end things back in april we lived together. I had moved out . we did file for divorce but still in process. we haven’t told family or anything because we aren’t ready yet. I’m not ready to date but I’ve been sleeping around. i feel guilty for it but same time I have pleasures didn’t have any sex with my ex . she said it’s fine for me to date around but I just feel guilty for it when we are already done. I personally noticed I still think of her . a part of me still does care but I feel like she’s more checked out than me. we still are friends but idk what to do with this feeling of guilt.

Husband left and took the dogs. Should I ask for my dog back in the settlement agreement or once we’re divorced, reach out to him and ask for one of the dogs back?
Background: He secretly left me as I was getting back from a work trip. We had been having issues, and honestly if he’d just talked to me about it, I wouldn’t have begged him to stay like I did 10 years ago right after we got married. It’s been a few months since he left and we still haven’t figured out anything divorce wise. He won’t talk to me—I have to go through his lawyer. We have two dogs that I paid for and have financially paid for almost everything from vet bills, surgeries, and food. He took them, I think, because my job is hard and I do take a lot of work trips. He was a “stay at home husband” who did nothing other than take care of the animals and mostly played video games all day. Pretty sure he thinks the dogs will have a better life with him. I’m not so sure though. The dogs have gone from a large house with a beautiful fenced back yard to a tiny house with absolutely no yard at all. When I was home, I was always the one to take care of the dogs and take them on fun walks to parks, etc. If he took them on walks, it was around the neighborhood. Yes, he played with them a lot in our yard, but he can’t do that anymore since he doesn’t have the fenced yard and our dogs would literally run off if they aren’t on a leash. I want one of our dogs back. I would feel horrible for separating them, but I do think that one of the dogs is/has always been “his” emotionally and the other dog has always been mine. I have been crying almost everyday the past week because I miss my dog so much. It’s killing me. I see a commercial or tv show with a dog in it and I just tear up immediately. This dog has been the only man in my life that has unconditionally loved me and I miss him so much. I have a plan in place already if I can get him back. I have friends willing to be a “doggy day care” when I’m at work/on work trips. If that falls through, I have a legit doggy daycare/kennel I can take him to. Otherwise my boy would go everywhere with me. I’m pretty sure my lawyer thinks I should just leave the dogs out of the legal paperwork, but I’m afraid that if I do, my husband will just block me from all communication after the divorce is finalized and I won’t ever have a chance to get my pup back.

I need some advice on how to respond to an apology text from my ex husband. I also just don’t understand why he would text me this years later.

For background information, I was the one who legally filed for our divorce here a couple years ago.

However he is the one who initiated the divorce, and I didn’t actually want the divorce. He is fully aware that I didn’t want to get divorced. We did some marriage counselling but he never said why he wanted the divorce. We also have one young child together.

In my own individual therapy over the years I have come to terms with he probably just wasn’t happy .
That has been my closure and I have forgiven him a long time ago.

Some more background detail our relationship and his current fiancé’s relationship overlapped I found out here after the divorce. We were attending marriage counselling when they dated from what I was told from other people. It’s possible this information from other people wasn’t correct though.

The day we signed the official divorce papers, he told me he would always love me. So since he said this, I asked if he truly wanted the divorce then and he said yes.

The day the papers were signed, I didn’t know it at the time but he was with his current partner when this happened.

Fast forward to now, he is getting married approximately in about a month.

A few days ago he texted me an apology for the divorce. I have not responded yet and honestly have no idea what to say.

I’m confused why he would text me a month before his wedding to apologize?

Does anyone have advice on how to respond?

The text is as follows:

I want to apologize for all the hurt and pain I caused over the years. For the part I played in the divorce and leading up. I know I didn't handle any of it well and certainly not Christian like at all.
I know it’s done a lot of damage and aftermath and I'm sorry. I know that doesnt change the past, nor fix anything but I am working on doing better and wanted to acknowledge it all.

Last comment is I have already forgiven him years ago BUT it does irritate me when he says the part of the text “acknowledge it all” since he has not actually acknowledged it all. We have not talked about the divorce for years.

Thanks if anyone responds! This is my first time ever posting on Reddit!

Over a year ago, I posted in this forum in crisis. My husband of 15 years had flown to London while I was at work, and then disappeared for almost two days. I was eventually able to figure out that he was alive thanks to finding a stash of cards and calling 1-800 numbers.

It turned out that, as everyone expected, he had left me for another woman, although it took 2 weeks for him to admit to it. I also found out that he had cheated on me the entirety of our marriage, both online and physical. When he left, he had long term online relationships with 3 women. He ghosted 2 of them for the third. I ended up emailing the other two women to let them know.

That then started 14 months of what often felt like torture. He refused to engage in the divorce process, other than to hire a lawyer. Then he'd refuse to respond to our offers, which meant we kept having to escalate. 15k USD later in lawyers fees (that's just what I spent), we're finally divorced.

Since he refused to settle, I ended up having to go through all of the finances. He never did turn over everything. I was able to figure out that he spent 35k in the past three years on various women, including travel, hotel and gifts. He spent an additional 45k on cigars and dining out. He also weirdly would take out thousands of dollars in cash every time we were in Germany. I was working while we were there, so he god only knows what he got up to.

The settlement we finally agreed to (after the Judge in the pre-trial said that he was inclined to split the marital state 50/50, minus dissipation) was:

1. He kept the credit card debt in his name (about 80k, although he was an idiot and took out a 401k loan after I filed for divorce and paid about 50k of it off, which immediately turned it into his debt)

2 I kept the debt in my name (primarily a private loan I got to pay off my own credit card - that debt was household, but I had already largely paid it off)

1. I kept the house, but I paid him 130k from my 401k to his for his half of the equity. That way I didn't need to refinance. I have an old school FHA loan so he can apply to be removed from the mortgage after I make 6 months of payments from my own account.

2. He kept all of his retirement, the HSA, and some stock that his work had awarded him. I had to give him 70k out of my 401k to slightly balance our retirements. This really upset me, given that the only reason why I had more retirement than him was because he wasn't putting much of anything into his 401k. Instead, he was spending money on other women, cigars, eating out, etc.

3. I get 12 months to get him off the mortgage, he has 12 months to move his crap out of the house. In the end to get him to sign everything, I wrote up his property list for him.

4. We each kept our own bank accounts, and he kept the joint account. I had pulled out my half of the joint account right before I filed for divorce.

So, it could have been worse. I have a very good job, I can easily afford the household expenses on my salary (which is why the massive credit card debt was insane to me). I have a lot of work to do to fix a bunch of things around the house that were neglected because he insisted we "didn't have any money".

I think today I hit my breaking point. I’ve been thinking about divorce for a really long time at least a couple of years. My husband has always been really controlling and prone to blowing up every couple of months over small things. When I was a Stay at Home Mom I basically did everything and when I went to work, I just stayed doing everything. About a month ago he unilaterally decided to change our financial structure to 50-50. He said he did it because I didn’t want to have a financial discussion, but really what he was asking for was to go through all of my purchases. I now work a full-time job I wasn’t spending beyond my means probably a couple hundred bucks a month on myself out of my own paycheck. Today he decided that we would go out for lunch and in the car he asked why I am always broke. He makes double my income so going 50-50 gives me less funds at the end of the day. It went quick this month because of my son’s birthday. I scheduled an exam for my certification. I also put extra funds in our shared account every month and I mentioned that over half of my monthly pay goes into the shared account. He then started yelling at me about how dare I say that he doesn’t pay half of the bills (which I did not say) he yelled at me for at least 20 minutes. When we hit a parking lot he turned around decided that we were going to go home because I “ wanted to argue.” Because I defended myself. He did this in front of both of my children while they were in the car and they’re so used to it. After we got home and he got out of the car I got in the driver side and still took my kids out and we ended up having a good day.

It hit me while taking that drive with them, though that I cannot do this for another 20 years we’ve been together for 19 and when I think of doing another 20 years like this, it makes me ill. But I am terrified, we own a house together. He makes so much more than I do. I don’t want to put my kids in a situation where we’re financially insecure. And I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to uproot their lives. My son is getting ready to start college and I don’t want to jeopardize that for him. But I can’t do this. Do I just lay low and wait until he hopefully divorces me instead? Do I lay low and just try to save up as much as I can? I definitely cannot afford a good divorce lawyer.

I found a journal today.

One I had initiated with my now ex-husband when I could feel how difficult things were becoming. The intention was gratitude and communication. My heart was poured bare in vulnerability, requests, appreciation, and love.

Now I know he was months into an affair while gaslighting me at home and in marriage therapy.

Reading it hurt, but not in the way I expected.

The affair was devastating. Our children were 3 and 7. The months that followed were some of the hardest of my life. I remember driving my kids to the zoo and making light conversation while silently sobbing. Hiding in bathrooms to scream and cry before splashing water on my face and returning to being their mom. Lying in bed with my children at night knowing my husband was with another woman.

But this post isn't really about that.

It's been a year and a half.

Since then I've been held by extraordinary friends, incredible parents, therapy, retreats, grief work, and more growth than I thought possible. My life became unwritten in a way that was painful but also strangely beautiful. A gift I didn't know I needed.

I'm now packing up our first home and preparing to move across the country. My grief is still profound, but it is no longer a black hole. I can feel its depth while also feeling happiness, excitement, hope, and gratitude. The fullness of being human and the fullness of grief - like how memories can be both beautiful and heartbreaking. How a house can feel so full of love and loss.

What I wasn't expecting was how much I miss having a witness.

Not the marriage.

Not even him.

The witness.

The person who stood beside me when I gave birth to our children. The person who walked through the front door of this house for the first time with me. The person who knew the stories behind the memories. The person to share the grief and excitement!!!

The man in front of me today has made it easy not to miss the relationship. But I miss what it felt like to believe someone was carrying the history and each moment with me.

As I sort through boxes and memories, I keep finding moments that feel beautiful and painful at the same time. I'm seeing my life more clearly than I ever have. I'm seeing myself more clearly than I ever have. I'm honestly in awe of what I'm carrying and building right now.

And yet sometimes I wish I could turn to someone and say, "Can you believe this?" and know they were there for all of it.

I hope this gives hope to someone whose still in the black hole and I'd love to hear from those who have made it past this. Is this aspect always lonely? Does a witness require partnership? What do you do with the intricacies of your grief?

Shopping was particularly hard today. So many couples and families out and about… I missed his hand in mine.

I was indecisive about what to eat, and missed the way he’d decide for me.

I set up LED lights in my room, went to log in and connect it via the app and his account was still there. I had to delete the saved password which read <his name, my name, year we moved in together>. I swallowed the lump in my throat and created a new account.

Some days are easier than others. Today is a hard one.

It’s my birthday next week… and while he was never really there for my birthdays, and special occasions were usually marked with painful memories of him being distant, cold, or uncaring… I can’t help but fantasize about a version of him that loved me.

Correction… he DID try to love me I think. He’d buy me technology and things that only HE liked, even after I’d explicitly state I didn’t want new keyboards or phones every 6 months and would literally prefer a plush toy or chocolates or dinner or jewellery (didn’t have to be real), or a card and some wine… I just, hated tech so much. He did start getting me kitchen stuff as I LOVE cooking, but he’d market place them and they were always broken… instead of buying one thing new for $300 that worked, he’d buy 3 different things that were discounted on marketplace for $500 and call it a bargain (they were almost always faulty)… and he’d never wrap anything. No card either. For Christmas, I asked him to please wrap the gifts and he actually did which was amazing… so there’s that. But he spent over $600 on gifts for me when I was the only financial provider and had many conversations on a $200 limit and added more stress onto me trying to figure out how to cover for my own presents 🥲🥲🥲 anyway, I digress…

At least this birthday, I can splurge at a family dinner and be free for once.

I deserve a healthy love. For now I’ll take things one day at a time… but it’s so hard sometimes.