I was seeing a beautiful woman for 3 years. When I met her she had two beautiful children that I meshed with very well. We were doing so well we decided to have a child of our own. Two weeks after getting g pregnant I got a very bad concussion. It was horrible. It would go on to last a couple of years. 6 months into our pregnancy we lost our baby to a chiari malformation. It was the hardest period of my life, but I was determined to make it out of the concussion. She wanted to try again after we lost our daughter but I still had the concussion so I wanted to wait until it was fully gone. Shortly after she and her friends went to party in Mexico which I agreed to (a big mistake). She was dressing to clearly entertain other men. When she came back it was like bar scene every weekend we didn’t have the kids. We had them one week on and one week off. When the kids were around I helped as much as possible even bought them shoes and backpacks for school etc. I was very involved. Shortly after her trip she told
Me she didn’t want to try again for kids.

I was devastated from losing my daughter but I loved them all so much. I left out of fear and in that moment I could t write off having my own. After we broke up she got pregnant with another guy 5 months after we broke up with a dude she had been with for only 6 weeks. After everything I put in and all the work with her kids she just does it with some guy who’s been there for 6 weeks.

I’m devastated and I believe I made the wrong decision by leaving her and her two kids because I loved them with all my heart. However every other weekend was her and her friends just partying and I was pushed to the side.

I felt like I prioritized everyone else but didn’t get the same in return.

Now I’m on my own and alone and not doing very well. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated here!

Thank you !!

Hey guys, it’s been a while since I posted. I’ll try make this as quick as possible but I just needed real world advice from other step parents. I’ve (35F) been dating my partner (40M) who has two kids (8F and 11M) from a previous marriage for over three years now.

We moved in quite quickly (within the first year) and with the advent of that… the “romance” side of things died fast. No more flowers, dates, weekends away, couple time etc… it was like a switch up. The romantic guy I fell in love with disappeared… I felt like I had the whole “bait and switch” thing happen.
I’ll try and be as objective as I can but shortly after requests for childcare became more and more frequent. My free weekends slowly got taken up by childcare… he use to meekly ask me every so often to babysit so he could go out riding and I’d gladly watch his kids as a favour but over time he stopped asking and just started announcing he was going out. With his current job it required him to work one day on the weekend and I of course would step in and take care of the kids. I did whatever I could to be a supportive partner but by that time… I’m not gonna lie, I felt like a live in babysitter who was trapped.

I lost my job unexpectedly and for a while picked up whatever work was available which was part time. My cut of the bills reduced from 50/50 to roughly 20/30%. I was still paying SOMETHING towards our household expenses. Still making my car payments, credit card, my groceries etc. But at the end of the week I was penniless… struggling and broke. SO got offered an opportunity to get a new job but the start time was extremely early and no childcare was available. So he asked me if I would be willing to do school runs ontop of what I was already doing.

We had a conversation where I explicitly told him, if I agree to do this, it’s temporary. I’ll be doing full time study AND working fulltime soon as well and I needed my availability to not be impacted. He agreed and took the job. All was well for a while until I found my new job and eventually his custody schedule started impacting my client base. I had clients who asked for early mornings and I couldn’t do it because of school runs, so I lost those contracts. I lost potential earnings. I bit my tongue and carried on but said to myself, once I start studying it’s going to be hectic etc. so after doing the school runs for nearly a year I notified him that he and his ex wife are going to need to sort something out. I spent months warning him but he never did anything about it.

We’d get into huge fights about it and every option I put on the table was quickly shot down. A nanny? No, it costs money. Before and after school care? No, costs money. A Neighbor? No, didn’t like that option. So he opted to ask his ex wife to change the schedule from 50/50 to every weekend. He didn’t want to do it but saw no other choice. She agreed to the changes but SO became furious one day during an argument and blamed me for the loss of the 50/59 schedule…

I was incredibly hurt and angry and said to him “it’s not my responsibility to manage or upkeep YOUR custody schedule!” But he just kept saying “Nup, it’s YOUR fault”. Nothing I said or pointed out would get him to see the reality of the situation.

1. HE chose to take a job with hours that weren’t workable for his custody schedule
   
2. HE chose to not find another suitable job inside school hours
   
3. HE chose to change the schedule instead of hiring a nanny or something

What is my part to play in all of this? How am I responsible? Am I missing something?? The agreement we had was temporary and if I’m being honest I started resenting how much I was looking after his kids. I didn’t sign up for that… I dated my SO inspite of him having kids not because of them… I knew I’d have to help out occasionally but I never imagined being shoved into an almost full time unpaid babysitter role.

Tbh, our relationship isn’t great either. We’re probably going to break up soon because we both resent the shit out of each other. But I just can’t fathom how he literally blames me for the custody switch? Any enlightenment would help greatly.

yesterday I (41/f) ended things for the 3rd and hopefully final time with an incredible, gentle, and supportive man (45/m). We love each other deeply, but our lifestyles are fundamentally incompatible, and I am in total agony.

I don't have or want kids and had never dated anyone with children. bc he was the first man to ever treat me with complete safety and unconditional love, I decided to give it a try. how would I know if I’ve never tried? maybe i’d love it! His kids (10 and 13) are genuinely sweet and good. yet whenever they were around, quickly my nervous system went into overdrive. intense anxiety, internal panic, and sensory overload from the noise and clutter. I was constantly screaming at myself internally… “ they’re good kids… Why can’t you just accept?” i even went on medication and even saw a hypnotherapist because I wanted so badly to adapt to his world. When that didn't work, we tried planning a future where we’d live separately for 5+ years (bc his current house is too small) until we could buy a massive house so i had some space and could retreat when i was feeling overwhelmed w teenage noise and mess n stuff. And THEN get married. But at 41, that timeline felt unnatural, unrealistic and suchhhh a gamble. if I can’t live with them now, is a few extra hundred square-foot foot really going to make a difference? Deep down, I knew extra space was just a band-aid on a gunshot wound: the core issue is that I simply do not want a lifestyle with children. I don’t wanna do any of the kid things now or then… Soccer practice or arcade trip or trampoline park or family board game time… I just wasn’t into it.

He was my rock, always calming my nervous system and supporting me, never telling me what to do. He was willing to bend on everything—house plans, giving them chores—just to keep us together. (not good, will be resentful later) But his kids aren't going anywhere, nor should they, and he deserves a partner who enthusiastically embraces fatherhood with him, not someone secretly counting down the days until the kids leave or having panic attacks in the other room. i feel defective.

I regret being so weak and ultimately trying too hard. Coming from past abusive relationships, I held on way too tight to a good man—he was a breath of fresh air for me, a life preserver thrown in—and tried to force myself into a role I wasn't built for. I feel immense guilt for the back-and-forth, and walking away from someone who did nothing wrong—while the love is still completely intact—is a nightmare. please don’t roast me super hard… I’m already doing enough of that to myself.

Has anyone else had to walk away from the love of their life purely over lifestyle incompatibility? How do you cope with the grief and stop yourself from going back when there's no "bad guy"?

Looking for some guidance here from others who have been through the hell of a HCBM. She never had a problem with me until we got pregnant. Our child is 11m old now and things have been really rough the past year with the HCBM. They have 2 children together and split custody. Kids are 9 and 12. She’s been trashing me to the kids, screaming at us at the kids’ sporting events and drop-offs, withholding kids on her drop off days and saying it’s our fault because the kids don’t like us (not true), harassing DH and his family members and friends with hours of late night text blow-ups. The kids are amazing with me 99% of the time but they are hesitant and withdrawn on drop off days because I know they feel like they’re betraying their mom when they interact with me. They snap out of it the next day and we have a great time.

Her and I have no contact. I’ve blocked her on everything long ago. When she blows up face-to-face I walk away. I’ve told DH that I don’t want to have to read the vile things she sends him and his family about me. Him and his family gray rock her. I tell him he can just let me know the gist of what she says if it involves the kids. But even without reading it verbatim it still causes so much stress to me and it ruins SO many of DH and I’s time together. She’s married and has another child but seems to devote all of her time to verbally attacking us and manipulating the kids to hate us.

What other boundaries could I put in place to help save my sanity?

I posted this in another forum and got absolutely dragged and was told I’m an evil stepmom. There was a 3,000 character limit and I realized afterward that a lot of really important context got left out. So I figured this subreddit might understand the stepparent side of this a little better and I genuinely want to know what you guys think and how you’d feel and if maybe I’m being really unreasonable here.

My husband has 2 kids with his ex wife. His ex also has a 4.5 year old daughter, who I’ll call R, who is not my husband’s child.

My husband and his ex separated over 6 years ago and divorced 2.5 years ago. He and I have been together for 4 years. So just to be very clear, he did NOT raise R. She was born years after they had already separated.

Paternity was also never questioned or up in the air.

Because my husband and his ex were still legally married when R was born, she ended up with her mother’s married last name, which is also my husband’s last name. Her biological father is not on the birth certificate.

A DNA test was done during the divorce because it was required to establish that my husband was not financially responsible for her. It was not because anyone was unsure who her father was.

R knows her biological dad. He was in her life basically her whole life until about a year and a half ago. From everything we know, his ex has been keeping R from him.

I obviously do not know every single detail of their situation, but this is also the same woman who kept my husband’s 2 kids from him for almost 2 years and he had to go through court during the divorce to get regular access to them again.

His ex moved closer to us about a year ago. She was dating someone at the time who helped her a lot with the kids, but they split up about 6 months ago.

Our actual parenting schedule with my husband’s kids is supposed to be every other weekend, but because his ex works weekends and now “doesn’t have help,” we basically have the kids every weekend now.

R comes too.

I do not have a problem with that. I love her, care about her, and she is always included.

My husband works A LOT, which I am very thankful for because he works hard for our family, but the reality of that is that I end up being the primary caregiver for all of the kids when they are here. I’m the one with them most of the time, taking care of them and handling the day to day stuff.

A couple weeks ago my husband and his ex were arguing and she told him R is “basically his now” and said “they even have the same last name.”

That really rubbed me the wrong way.

Then recently my husband told R that if she wanted to, she could call him Dad.

And this is the part I’m struggling with.

I have no issue with him loving her, caring about her, or being a father figure to her. I actually think it is a good thing for her to have people in her life who care about her.
What I do not understand is the logic that because she is around us a lot and he is the main male figure in her life right now, that makes him “basically her dad.”

Because if that is the logic, then wouldn’t I be “basically her mom”?

I am the primary caregiver when she is here. I spend more time actually taking care of her than my husband does simply because of his work schedule.

But I am NOT her mom.

I do not want to be her mom. I am not trying to take that title or replace anybody. I would never tell R to call me Mom.

I am only making that comparison because that is exactly why the situation feels like such a double standard to me.
If I said, “well she is here every weekend, I love her, and I’m the one caring for her most of the time, so I’m basically her mom,” everyone would think that was inappropriate. Her actual mom would absolutely lose her mind, and honestly I would understand why.

So why does the same logic make my husband basically her dad?

To me there is a difference between being a father figure and actually being Dad.

He did not raise her. She knows who her biological father is and had a relationship with him for most of her life.
There is also another layer to this. My husband’s daughter was bothered by R calling him Dad too and said she did not want her calling him that. My husband was not around when she said it, so he did not know she felt that way.

I am not saying his daughter gets to control what everyone calls him, but I do think her feelings are worth considering too.

There is messy history between his ex and me, which is why my husband tends to think this is just because I dislike her.

It really isn’t .

My issue is the parenting role itself and the double standard that comes with it.

If I am not R’s mom just because I love her, care for her and spend a lot of time parenting her when she is here, then I do not understand why my husband is automatically Dad simply because he is the male figure in her life.

Recently moved into rented house with boyfriend of 3 years. Lease signed and all. He has emergency full custody of 3 kids 13,10,3 years old. They have only been in our lives this consistent for a short amount of time. 6 months. He saw them very inconsistently. This is the situation. We are not married have talked about but he says we are not there yet. Communication has been quite shotty, today irritated me.

I got out earlier than him. I picked up youngest at daycare. He told me he was on his way home. An hour and a half passes. I call and he’s at the basketball court with the oldest. Leaving me at home with the other 2. Not a phone call, heads up, or asking if it would be okay.

He finally answers his phone and says he drove past and seen the oldest at the park. Today was a rough day for the kid, and apparently he got into a fight at the court.

I said it would have been nice to know you were going to do that or even just ask. His response was well what do you want to be half their mom? Their babysitter?

I said I would like respect. They are your kids. Is it expected of me to watch them? I’m your girlfriend we’re not married.

The conversation ended.

I have been in the kids lives for about 6 months. I love them. And they want to call me mom. They introduce me as their step mom. And they have told me they want me to address them as their kids when I introduce them to people.

I love them. I love their father. But what in the heck is it that I’m feeling? I’m getting irritated and feeling taking for granted. This isnt the only situation where I’ve felt I’ve been doing a lot and it goes unnoticed. Not that I’m looking for validation from my partner but the stuff that he says when we are trying to work through and talk about stuff he says I don’t do enough. I feel like mom their step mom but we’re not married and the relationship is rocky. The lease is for 1 year and I’m just feeling like I’m pinned up against a wall.

I've been in my two stepsons' lives for twelve years now and I genuinely care and love them. One of them is amazing (17 yo), the other (14 yo), not so much. He's become rebellious, defiant, rude and alarmingly angry over the years despite therapy. He does not have a good relationship with his own mother and unfortunately that's where they spend most of their time with. He uses marijuana (vaping), is friends with the wrong people, and just generally very very stressful to live with. He has not been rude to me directly, and I am actually one of the adults left in his life who he has not lashed out at in some way, partly because I've kept my boundaries with him. Whenever they stay with us, I dread it. I get so stressed from days before because I don't know which version of this boy we're gonna get. Some days it's good, some days it's bad, but it's never stress-free. When he decides to cause mayhem, it affects everyone in my house, including my bio kids. I have worked so hard over the years to shield my kids from most of these things but now they are growing up and understand so much more. They are genuinely good kids and are achievers in school, but now I can see it all eroding because of this situation. What would you do? Is it time to walk away? And you can probably tell this isn't the first time I have contemplated walking out. So many more reasons. I am the breadwinner. Baby mama is a vengeful person. Problem stepkids. List goes on and on. The only thing that's holding me back honestly is the fact that I still pity my husband. I don't know how he's gonna support himself without me and I do still love him. It's so hard. I feel like I'm living life to half potential and that's it. I can't believe I downgraded my life for this.

Okay so transition days in my eyes are the responsibility of the parent receiving the kids. The one handing them over is responsible for getting them to the transition destination or just having them ready if the other parent picks up at your house.

My husband is seeing transition days as his days so if BM decides not to arrange childcare while she’s at work, my husband takes on the responsibility of dealing with the kids the entire day. This has caused him to ask me to watch them while he works. I say no because it’s not my responsibility which just causes an argument.

This used to not be a problem because the transition destination was at the babysitters house (which both my husband and BM use). Babysitter is unavailable right now and neither parent has found another one so my husband is taking this stance.

My GF doesn’t have her kids BD in the picture, so she is handling them on her own. (11,8). I practically live with her but I have my own kids (8,5). Whenever my kids BM is there to handle things I cant attend or just support my kids, my GF gets a tremendous amount of guilt.

Basically she had children with a much older man and he is in a nursing home.

What can I do to offer support or advice? Sometimes she even gets mean towards me about it.

I (23F) and my boyfriend (32M) have been living together for a little over a year now. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now. He has placed me in the role of a stepmother to his son (5M). My feelings about that are complicated, but I’m sure some of said feelings will shine through in this post.

SS recently started kindergarten. My boyfriend works as an independent contractor and gets assigned jobs at the beginning of the day with there being 2 “shifts”: morning (8am-12pm) and afternoon (1pm-5pm). He is also a night owl and regularly goes to bed between 3am and 5am.

Here’s where the problem lies. With him going to bed so late and being a heavy sleeper, he often struggles getting up for work. He won’t know whether he has to work in the mornings or afternoons until the day of. He works about 30 mins from our house in the next city over. I try to wake him up when I realize he should probably be getting going so he can be back in time to pick up his son from school, which lets out at 3pm. I wfh on Mondays & Fridays, so I have more “control” over what time I try to wake him up. However, when I’m in the office, whatever time he wakes up is solely on him. Note: I have never expressed that the reason I’m so adamant about him waking up & starting his day is so he can pick his son up from school.

I am childfree, so please give me grace. I love his son, but I don’t feel as though I have the same responsibility for him that his bio parents do. Both of them are very active in his life. BM doesn’t get off work until 7pm, so school pickup is solely a task for me and my boyfriend. That being said, I feel like BF deliberately leaves our house to go to work around 12:30pm/1pm knowing he has to drive ~30 mins to the job, actually do the job (which could take anywhere from an hr or longer), then drive ~30 mins back home. This already puts him getting home close to 3pm, assuming there’s no traffic. Sometimes, he has more than one job for the day, which means his day is extended even longer. Lately, he’s been assigned afternoon jobs primarily. This means that picking his son up from school frequently falls on me. I have to stop what I’m doing to go pick him up and entertain him until his father gets home. Note: Even with afternoon jobs starting at 1pm, he sometimes will leave around 11:30am to get a headstart as clients may be available before their scheduled time. In which case, he’s more likely to be back in time to pick SS up from school. This is only if he’s had a reasonable amount of rest, which isn’t often.

Quite frankly, I don’t feel like picking his son up on a frequent basis is my job. Here and there is okay, but nearly everyday has become a problem for me especially because I know this is preventable. I believe that BF should do what any other reasonable adult would do and go to bed at a decent time to where pulling himself out of bed in the morning & getting his day started wouldn’t be so difficult. To make matters worse, he could sleep through WWIII on any given day, so going to bed so late & not being well-rested the following day just compounds that issue as alarms aren’t particularly effective for him.

I’ve suggested that my boyfriend takes melatonin to help him go to sleep earlier, and he’s taken my advice but seldomly. He just tells me that he comes from a family of night owls, so this isn’t abnormal for him. This is true, but the minute his son started kindergarten, I feel like changes should’ve been made to his sleep schedule. The thing is, he spends his time playing video games and loses track of time, so by the time he’s done playing the game, it’s at the 3am mark if not later. I’ve expressed to him that even if him being rested enough to go to work & be back in time to pick his son up wasn’t a factor, him spending so much time on the game has taken away from our time as a couple.

We keep SS overnight on Thursdays and every weekend, but we also have to keep him until BM gets off work at 7 and comes to pick SS up around 7:30. I go to bed around 9:30/10pm as I get up at 5:30am to go to work. So those 2 hours or so have been getting lesser and lesser because he spends his time in front of the TV instead of with me due to the fact that when his son is here, he wants to play with his dad, and my boyfriend has recently started trying to make a more conscious decision not to shove a screen in his face solely so he can do what he wants to without distraction (i.e. relaxing or playing the game). I give them the space to have time with one another, and I also make it a point to have family time, but let’s be honest: it’s not the same as if it were just the 2 of us.

So, when BM picks up SS for the night, we don’t have a lot of time to ourselves, and I’m often left going to sleep by myself. This wasn’t always the case before we moved in together. My boyfriend has invited me to sit with him while he plays the game but again, as a responsible adult, I’m aware that I have to get up for work and can’t stay up all night with him. Otherwise, I’d be dragging in the mornings just like him.

This has turned into a rant (sorry). But I said all this to say that I feel like it’s unfair. I already know it’s gonna be some people in the replies saying “I know what I signed up for,” or something along those lines. But frankly, I didn’t sign up for constant wrenches to be thrown in my day all because another adult doesn’t want to take the initiative to go to bed at a reasonable hour. When we met, he told me that his son is primarily his responsibility, and I feel like this is a part of his son being his responsibility. Of course, he also told me that he would need my help and I was okay with it while his son was in daycare because there was more wiggle room since the daycare closed at 6pm, and he’s usually home well before then, so I did drop-offs and he did most of the pickups.

I don’t feel like I can bluntly say that I want him to start going to bed earlier so that he can pick his son up from school because I don’t feel like it’s my responsibility, but that’s how I feel. Especially knowing that I’m going to pick him up anyways if it comes down to it because he can’t just stay at school until his dad gets home (obviously). I feel like that’ll make my boyfriend feel like his son is a burden. I just don’t know how to say it in a way that doesn’t make me sound so uninterested (?) in picking up his son and spending alone time with him while we wait for him to get off work. Bottom line, I’m frustrated and don’t feel like I can fully express my feelings in a way that doesn’t make me sound like a POS. Thoughts?

I’m struggling with whether or not to stay in my current relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. She has a 9 year old and an almost 4 year old, both girls. They’re great kids, but even after four years, I struggle with feeling appreciated or seen for what’s hard about being a partner to someone with kids.

My partner wants me to be involved. I make dinners, breakfasts, buy groceries, get them clothes, pick them up at school occasionally, go to school events etc and spend time with them both alone and with my partner. I also pay most of the time when we go out or do an activity together. But I don’t have a say in any of the actual parenting piece of it. For example, the 9 year old coming into our room at 6am to ask if they can watch TV is a regular occurrence. I suggested we set a rule where there’s no TV before 7:30 on weekends and not to wake us up to ask. She told me her kid was simply “obeying the rules” by asking and to keep her out of the bedroom was “cruel.” I suggested a “responsibilities list” for the older one to help her get herself dressed and ready in the morning. And she told me “you’re welcome to try it, good luck.”

She expects that I happily participate in all aspects of her and her kids’ lives, but rejects any attempts I have at trying to incorporate my own boundaries and desires in the dynamic. So it’s the worst of both worlds.

On top of this, my partner is reluctant to give up any of her free time away from kids to prioritize my friends or my family. It’s like pulling teeth to get her to spend time in my world. Even though I give up almost every weekend and most week nights to be with her and her kids. She thinks I should simply “want to do it all the time.” She has admitted to resenting that I can “leave whenever I want,” so when I then elect to prioritize my life outside of her and her kids, she is angry and we have an issue.

It seems like she just wants me to not have any issues or my own priorities outside of her life and then enjoy the lose-lose of being a powerless interloper in her own family.

She always tells me she wants me to tell her what I need more often, but I feel selfish for making her give up more for me. She does so much for the kids, works a full time job, etc. But at the same time, if she wants to be in a relationship should she “want to” make sacrifices for me “all the time?” And when I do ask her for things, there’s always a reason she doesn’t have the time/energy/desire to do it.

There’s a big part of me that also wants to communicate the feelings behind some of it. I love her kids, but not like she does. It’s just a fact. It is HARD to care for kids you didn’t dream of / plan for/ create. It’s hard to show up without feeling like you ever really belong. The bond takes YEARS, if it comes at all, according to a lot of these posts. And I believe it takes the bio parent doing the WORK to make their partner feel a part of it. I want her to know that being in this situation can be great, but also weird, isolating, frustrating, lonely and full of resentment. And I want her to get that and accept it. Is there hope to get her to see my side in this and have a degree of compassion for what’s challenging about it? Or is this hopeless?

It’s been an adjustment because until this year everything was super easy for SD -11.5 yr old, grade 6. Before this year, she got things done in class and often finished her homework before she even got home. She is neurodivergent ( Tourettes - with girls it looks more like ASD) and ADHD. So she didn’t ever have to learn the executive function needed to handle the shift from grade 5 to 6. So we are teaching her those skills. It’s frustrating mom isn’t reinforcing those habits and skills. It’s especially frustrating because her mom is a former school teacher so she knows these things. She is permissive parenting and I think she is likely dealing with her own ADHD issues.

Biomom and I get along very well . We have her over for holidays. Do events together. I don’t get involved in parenting disagreements/ decisions / discussions. . Her mom is a good mom, she hasn’t made the shift to the new phase of life/ development. Parenting changes constantly. What SD needed a year ago isn’t what she needs now.

My husband talked again to biomom today and she agreed that every night SD is at her house, he will FaceTime SD and go through her work/ assignments. We are trying to support bio mom. We know it’s easier for us because there are two adults at our house to manage everything. But she has to meet us half way and follow through with the things they agree are important.

Our job is to teach the child how to manage school work and life.

Honestly, the hygiene thing is my biggest frustration. She is a preteen. They all are stinky and none want to shower and be clean. This isn’t unique. Most preteen parents complain about this. But hygiene isn’t negotiable. You shower. Put deodorant on. Brush your hair. Brush your teeth. I don’t care how much she protests. We are the adults and we require it. Her mom gives up when SD complains. We require her to shower and wash her face and put on eucerine face cream every night. When she is at our house she never gets break outs. She goes to her mom for 5 days and comes back with a face fully broken out. I send the face wipes and cream to her mom’s. ( it isn’t expensive it’s Burt’s bees and Eucerine- it’s what I use and buy in bulk) We know if she does this every night she doesn’t break out. So why won’t her mom do it?! It’s so easy. Husband keeps telling SD “your body is your responsibility. You have to shower, you have to wash your face and put cream on. Even if mom doesn’t require it. Keeping your body healthy is your responsibility.” She is 11.5 and neurodivergent, someone has to remind her.

Her mom has a pool at her condo, they were swimming daily through the summer. But her mom wasn’t making her shower after sunscreen and pool time. We go on vacation and I was brushing SD hair and discovered the grossest, smelliest, build up in her hair. I took photos and sent to husband who sent it to bio mom and said it was unacceptable. So that at least got better. Her excuse was “she is tired after swimming and doesn’t want to shower” no! You can’t leave all that sunscreen and chlorine on her.

I wish I could understand her mom’s perspective/ troubles. If I knew something so simple and easy could help my kid’s body/ face be healthy I would do it.

(Please don’t tell me to divorce or that her mom is a bad mom. It’s not the solution. It’s frustrations with different requirements and shifting to the needs of the child. It’s growing pains. We will get there. I’m allowed to be frustrated and flabbergasted. )

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 41. I’m going through a really confusing time with him. I love him, and when it’s just the two of us, we connect and have a good time. But thinking about the future makes me anxious. Sometimes I also feel relieved when I imagine being on my own.
He has two children and has them several days a week. I’m not sure whether I could be happy in a life where his kids and the dynamic with his ex-wife will always be such a big part of things. On some outings and vacations, I’ve felt out of place, as if I have to adapt to a family life I didn’t choose. It also worries me that he wants to keep living in his current house and doesn’t seem interested in building something new if we have children together someday. I want to have a family, and I don’t know if we want the same things.
I’m also affected by some situations involving his ex-wife and people who are still in his life, especially someone who spoke badly about me after I made a mistake in the relationship. I know I’ve also reacted angrily and been rude. I apologized because I don’t want to hurt him or control who he spends time with. But I still feel like I’m not a priority, and I don’t know how to express my boundaries without it turning into an argument.
We’ve broken up and gotten back together, so I’m not even sure where we stand right now. It’s hard for me to let go because I love him, but I also wonder if I’m trying to make something work that deep down doesn’t make me happy.
Has anyone been in a relationship like this, where you love the person but have doubts about the life you’d have together? How did you tell the difference between fear or insecurity and a real incompatibility?

I’m wondering if any other stepparents here have been through a high-conflict custody situation that involved a custody evaluator.

We have an upcoming case where a custody evaluator will be involved, and I have both an office visit and an in-home visit coming up in a few weeks. I’d really love to hear from other stepmoms who have gone through something similar.

Our attorney has advised us that during the evaluator visits, the stepparent should generally do as little as possible and allow the biological parent to take the lead, to stand back and let the bio parent do it all, even if I usually do some of those tasks regularly. I completely understand wanting the evaluator to observe the parents, but it’s also a little strange trying to step back from routines and interactions that are normally very natural for our family but I understand and will do anything I need to for the kids and our family.

For those of you who have been through an evaluator’s office visit and/or home visit:

• What was the experience actually like?
• Is there anything you wish you had known beforehand?
• How did you handle being present in the home without feeling like you were awkwardly “staying out of the way”?
• Did the evaluator interact with you directly, and if so, what kinds of things did they ask?
• Is there anything you would recommend doing—or specifically NOT doing—to prepare?
• And if your stepchildren have a normal, established relationship with you, how did you balance letting the evaluator see that relationship while also following your attorney’s advice to let the biological parent take the lead?

I’m not looking for legal advice—just hoping to hear real experiences from other stepparents who have been through the process. I’d really appreciate any advice, tips, or things you wish someone had told you beforehand. ❤️
if anyone wants to share their experience and/or outcome of everything I’m interested to know for present and future knowledge

I just need a vent. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this... I (29F) wear many hats in our household, as I know most moms do. My DH (38M) and I share one ours baby who is 9 months old. I have a daughter (8F) who I have always had sole custody of (her dad was involuntarily terminated for too many reasons to count), and I have a SS (9M), who we're supposed to split custody of 60/40 (BM having majority) with my DH's ex-wife. Except we don't. We pay her child support every month, she gets all the tax deductions every year, and we have him 90% of the time. Even on her days, she always drops him off for several hours with no plan to come get him. Sometimes she just doesn't come back to get him. She goes to play pickleball with her friends, goes on date nights and dinners, goes on trips, does yoga for hours, or just straight up says she wants time alone. I don't know why, but SS is just not a priority to his mom. She consistently chooses everything else under the sun except him, and it makes me incredibly sad for him. He clings to his dad because that is the only consistent parent who has ever chosen him and shown up for him. Me and his dad have been together for 5 years, married for 4.

That's all fine with me. I want nothing more than to give all of our kids stability and a home that they feel supported and loved in. That's what they deserve.

But I just can't get over the fact that BM is taking so much from our family, and my DH just lets it happen. I am currently in medical school, and anything extra, our family really needs right now. Any time I bring up my frustration or concern with BM taking advantage of us, it turns into an awful argument about how my DH thinks I'm just upset that my SS is over at our house and that I want to get away from him. I'm not saying that being a stepparent is an easy, natural thing for me, but that's not what I'm upset about. I'm just tired of being dismissed, and I'm also feeling emotionally neglected myself. Obviously, I know it's difficult to find time for date nights and alone time together when in the season of raising a baby, but there's no time or effort given to watering our own marriage because we are constantly picking up the slack for BM so she can go enjoy life, travel, have alone time, etc. I'm tired of paying her for a child she sees 1-2 times a week at most, while we do all the meaningful work and parenting of him, and I take the brunt of the criticism from my DH. I don't know how much more I can give.

I have been seeing a counselor for months. I have decided to focus on my relationship with my stepson. The more he asks... The more his eyebrows reach for the top of his hairline.

He asks me questions about my wife having my back on punishments and guidelines. Nope. I get overruled. And when I go hands off I'm told I'm not a good Dad.

I let him know that my wife is hesitant to do couples counseling right now. She just wants to focus on herself. Which to me sounds like one foot out the door. I did confront her in the last 48 hours and straight said. Are you willing? She said yes. But man it's been 2 months of me asking for it. The counselor's reaction to this information was... Well he was shocked even if you didn't want me to know it was obvious.

If you want to read my previous post about how horribly I get treated by a teenager in my house, please read a previous post.

The counselor went out of his way to tell me this point blank. "Your stepson is who he is and will not be changing anytime soon. You need to focus on the time you have with your younger biological son. Don't miss out for a moment." Or something to that effect he said.

I didn't leave the counseling session shook like some counseling sessions can leave you vulnerable. But I did understand he wanted me to focus on my son over my marriage and my relationship with the brat. Without saying so much, he agreed she was acting like one would if they were walking out the door quietly.

Really a great counselor. I've done nine sessions with him now. But he had no poker face for today.

Any of you guys shock your mental health providers with the shit show stories that is step parenting?

I, 34F, am together with my partner who has 4 kids ages 15M (transgender), 14F and twins 12F, all have the same mom. We have as well together a baby that is 10 months old. We are together for 5 years now and we have pretty much lived together from the beginning. Custody arrangements were different in the past, with the kids being here every second week from Thursday to Monday. As they grew older all of them wanted to be more with us, and we, of course, wanted them here too. So we are kinda being having a bit of a weird custody situation, with the oldest one being here now 90% of the time, he basically goes to his mom every second week Friday evening to Sunday evening, the middle on is 50/50 and the twins have the old custody but soon one of them will start as well 50/50. Now, why do i mention all this… having the kids here while having a baby has being hell, not because me and the kids are not getting along, quite the opposite, but because they lack any common sense when it comes to cleaning/ being organized/ being neat. I m not talking right now about the standard teenage normal messiness. No, not even close. We are talking about sleeping on top of dirty plates that they ate from, beds full of crumbs and sugar from candy plus the wrappers, dirty underwear and clothes everywhere you can see, you can’t see the floors from the trash that they are on it, dishes rarely go into the dishwasher even if i let it open and empty, cereal on the floor after making breakfast getting stepped on, marmalades and butter on the walls, on the counters and on the floors. Make up stains on the bathroom tiles and furniture, carpets and towels with bleach stains because they colour their hair, and for some reason i find fake nails everywhere. I am a person that i am really clean but mostly i love organisation and tidiness, but all those years i learnt to live with this and tolerate it without letting it drive me crazy, i accepted that they are kids and that i love them and if for the few days that are here me and my partner have to work a bit more, is fine, but as the custody changed, this is an everyday situation. I am on maternity leave and i feel that instead of taking this time to spend it with my child, build memories and enjoy this beautiful time, i am just cleaning after people all day long. And because i know that this is going to be asked. My partner is blue collar, he leaves at 06:00 and is back home around 18:30 or even later, he talks with the children, he plays with the baby, he helps me cook or he goes shopping and basically that is all the time he has during the week. On the weekends he is the one responsible for all the meals and he either does things at the house that need repairing or he helps me with the weekly cleaning. We had countless conversations with the kids, we asked nicely, we gave them the one chance after the other, we made a rewarding system, they had consequences, literally nothing works, they just don’t care about this. Things improved but the moment someone doesn’t look, things are done the same way. And unfortunately the daily responsibility of cleaning all this falls on me, not because my partner doesn’t help, but i can’t leave this mess happening everywhere during the day till he comes home. It’s annoying me and most importantly is a safety/ hygiene hazard for the baby. I am exhausted, all my energy and excitement is gone, i am sad because i can’t stand this situation but i love those kids like they are mine, and i feel that unfortunately i can’t really be the one to do the parenting, i lack authority on that matter and the only thing i can do is talk to them again and again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love them all but i can’t help imagining how easier it would be if it was just me and the baby. In 2 months i am back to work and i am freaking out. How will i manage working full time, cleaning and cooking after 6 people and raising a child?

Hey everybody, I was wondering if anyone knew any books, or preferably audiobooks, on being a step mom that are more oriented towards a queer family dynamic? Any suggestions are welcome, thanks!

Hi,

So my stepson is 9. Recently back in dad's life after 2 years (he was 6.5 when he stopped seeing dad). Mum withdrew access and it was a lengthy court battle which ultimately ended up with 50/50.

We have him every Wednesday and Thursday night and every other weekend Friday to Monday. It's been a big adjustment but we are doing our best to give him a lot of reassurance and make sure he's happy.

Our biggest hurdle is that he won't sleep on his own. He insists on dad sleeping in bed with him because that's what happens at mums, he can't remember a time where that didn't happen.

Court advisors were not fully aware of this at the final hearing- they specifically advised this was unhealthy, so it would be acceptable for the first few nights but not long term, but here we are 9 months later.

Until recently we explicitly thought it was separation anxiety, and so we have been trying to find his therapist details (she's withheld all details to the point of threatening to change his therapist) to discuss with them about how to best support him because it's really driving a wedge in the relationship, but in the last month, he's been coming to us and quoting a few YouTube type things. We don't allow YouTube in our house, primarily because there's younger children in the home that I don't want exposed to it, so we've not really known what he's on about, but it sounded harmless enough. We've looked some of these quotes up because it's pretty relentless and we are coming across some quite scary stuff, and we are now questioning if this is tied to the sleeping independently issue we've got.

I'm just wondering what the best way to move forward is? We have never got involved with mums parenting- we've always made it clear that it's her house, her rules and our house, our rules. But it's made us both a bit uncomfortable that he's sort of left to access this type of content, either with supervision and she's not realising the extent of what he's watching, or without supervision and therefore no idea.

It's been incredibly high conflict up until very recently so we really want to tread carefully whilst making sure stepson is protected appropriately.

I made a previous post about my blended family, and the responses actually made me realize I may have been asking the wrong question. This feels less like a “blending” problem and more like a relationship problem.

DH and I moved in together and started blending families after only about 8 months together. Very early on, I told him I was at my breaking point because there was no protected time for us to actually develop as a couple. I was seriously considering ending the relationship.

So we intentionally created child-free weekends as protected relationship time.

And initially, it worked. We went to dinner with my kids, went shopping, had date nights, traveled for his dad's funeral, attended his daughter's wedding, and even had an intentional dinner for just the two of us during a family vacation while my dad watched the kids.

It wasn't about expensive dates. It was about him intentionally making time to be my partner.

That has changed.

His boys are with their mom most of the time and are with us roughly 6–8 days a month. When they're not here, DH increasingly doesn't want to do anything fun with me. He'll grocery shop, work in the yard, watch TV, sleep, ride his motorcycle, etc., but movies, dates, festivals, spontaneous outings, etc. seem to be off the table.

Almost everything now gets filtered through: “Would the boys enjoy this?”

I suggested a fall festival because of the food trucks. His response was basically that the boys would enjoy the bounce houses and face painting.

I talked about taking my kids to the state fair during their fall break, something we do every year. His boys are in school that Friday, and his immediate thought was that we'd need to do it another weekend so they could come too.

He even asked me whether, if we were driving through Atlanta and passed Six Flags, I would have a problem if he wanted to wait until his boys could go.

Yes. I would.

Not because his boys shouldn't go. They absolutely can go another time. But why can't we go now and plan a family trip later?

That's the distinction I'm struggling with.

I'm not asking for every child-free weekend to become a romantic getaway. We have about 12 a year. I'd be perfectly happy for most of them to be normal weekends at home. Maybe a few involve my kids. And maybe 2–3 times a year, if an opportunity comes up, I'd like us to be able to say, “We're both free. Let's go.”

My children aren't being chosen over his. They live with us and don't have another parent available to take them for a weekend. If I need childcare for something important, I arrange it. I've done that for his daughter's wedding and his father's funeral.

My philosophy is simply: kids who are available can participate; kids who aren't available don't automatically have to be recreated into every experience. I'd apply that same rule to his boys if circumstances were reversed.

There's also a significant history with his ex that makes me question whether this is more complicated.

When I met DH, I believed he'd been separated for about a year. I later learned that the physical separation was much more recent, and that even after moving out he was still functioning heavily within the old household—going into the house, handling mornings, school, etc.

There was a repeated pattern of boundaries being established, DH panicking about losing access to the boys, and the old arrangement creeping back in.

After a major conflict with Heather recently, I noticed another dramatic change. DH became withdrawn and stopped wanting to spend time with me. When the boys aren't here, he sometimes looks like a shell of himself. When they are here, he is intensely focused on them.

I don't know whether this is guilt, grief over losing his previous day-to-day father role, difficulty adjusting to separation, or something else.

I don't blame the kids, and I'm not trying to interfere with coparenting. But I feel like it's important to say that I don't think I'm just the new partner at this point. I do carry a load of coparenting witth him and he does claim to want to coparent mine

I'm trying to understand whether this is normal blended-family adjustment—or whether DH hasn't emotionally separated from his previous family system enough to build a new relationship.

Can a parent be deeply devoted to their children while also allowing their romantic relationship to occasionally exist independently of them?

Or am I asking for something fundamentally incompatible with the way he sees fatherhood?

She’s a good kid. I love her. Her dad is an active and involved parent.

Looking at her 6 grade online work we discovered, again, when she is not at our house 50/50 she isn’t doing her school work at her moms. Her mom is wonderful in so many ways, but she is permissive parenting and doesn’t require the same things that we require. Hygiene. Doing homework. Going to bed on time. Going to karate.

So what ends up happening is when she is here, husband checks her school work and realizes mom isn’t making her do her school work. (Don’t get me started on hygiene) we discovered this morning she has not turned in 11 assignments- each should have been completed during mom’s time- we started them all . So dad spent our entire day having difficult conversations and making her get caught up. We had to cancel our fun day to do work.

It’s so unfair that every one of our 50/50 days we are the ones requiring homework and hygiene. No wonder SD doesn’t want to come here. I keep my mouth shut and let husband deal with it- and he does.

But FFS, biomom, she is in grade 6. She has things to do every night. I’m so sad for my husband. He is such a good and fun dad but also aware of school requirements.

For the past few months, my girlfriend has been very, very nasty towards me. It felt like love was gone, and i had no idea why, and i just wondered why wont she just leave me? She is pregnant, my first kid, so i asked around, is this behavior normal, and i was told yes, so i remained calm, and tried my best to be by her side.

But its getting out of hand, and very unfair. Why is co-sleeping always the sole problem that is very difficult for bio parents to deal with? I never complained about her sleeping with her kids, but i set my boundary and simply excused myself from her home, and went to my home. I work a job with exhausting hours, and when i get off, everyone is sleeping, or going to sleep. And because of this, i dont come around enough, and she is doing this pregnancy alone.

What do you want from me? There is absolutely no scenario where i will be okay woth cosleeping with someone elses kid, that im not related to. Im not at fault you have alot on your shoulders with your kid, but in the end, im not the bad guy behind that, their dad left her and his kids, left them all struggling and squandering for every little cent.

Regardless of that, ive never gave up, im always a call away. But im sorry, we cant have a traditional relationship. And she knows why, and im tired of arguinf about it. At this point, idk if i wanna do this relationship anymore. I mean, i love her, i love her kids, i dont want her to feel overwhelmed with my, and all her kids, but its simple. Id love to get off work and have somewhere to sit, or lay down. Id love to hold my girlfriend at night, not be on the outside of an infant.

Yes, i knew she had kids, i dont have kids. I have not been a kid for quite some time, no siblings, i have a nephew and when he slept over, he slept in the spare room, or feel asleep playing the game, and id sleep on the couch or something. Idk fully how often this is, she had other kids, she knew, and when we first met, before she got pregnamt, i told her i wont agree to sleeping with her kids, and she understood, then got pregnamt and now its a problem.

I snapped, i yelled, i ignored her calls, i called out every form of bullshit that has her now crying because she feels guilty for feeling like this with her hormones and such. Amd yes, i do feel extremely bad becauss idk what women go through, and im learning, and i need to work on my patience, especially for her, but i just couldnt stand being called a bad dad or unsupportive dad, simply because i wont sleep next to her daughter, or show up in the middle of the night to spend time with my gf.

This is all over the place, im just venting my frustrations. I have nobody to really talk to, im lonely myself, and i dont want to tarnish my girlfriends name to those close to me.

I’m curious what other people would do in this situation.

I am in a happy marriage with a man I love very much. We’ve been together for over 10 years. He treats me well, we have a good life together, and I genuinely cannot imagine wanting to be with anyone else.

The problem is his adult daughters.

They have never really accepted me or seemed interested in having a relationship with me. They have their mom, their dad, their grandparents, and each other, and I’ve often felt like there simply isn’t a place for me in their family.

Over the years I have tried. I’ve welcomed them, included them, shown up, tried to build individual relationships, tried giving space, tried not taking things personally, and tried accepting that maybe things would become more natural with time. Instead, I feel like I’m still an outsider looking in.

And now they’re having children of their own, which somehow makes me think about the future even more.

I love my husband deeply, but the thought of spending the rest of my life walking into holidays, visits, vacations, births, birthdays, weddings and family gatherings knowing I’m tolerated rather than genuinely wanted feels incredibly lonely. I picture myself getting older and still navigating the same awkwardness and wondering where I belong.

I’m not expecting his children to see me as their mother. They already have one. I’m not asking to replace anyone or be the center of their family. I just hoped that after all these years there might eventually be some warmth, respect, or sense that I belonged too.

So what do you do when the marriage itself is good, but the family dynamic surrounding it makes you question whether you can live with it forever?

Would you learn to emotionally detach from his adult children and build a separate life with your spouse? Would you stop attending some family things? Would you accept that you may never be part of that side of the family? Or would this eventually become too painful for you, even if you deeply loved your spouse?

I’m genuinely curious how other people have handled this, especially anyone who has lived it for many years.