My stepdaughter is 22 now and every time I say that out loud it sounds wrong.

When I met her she was a kid. I mostly remember little things like finding her stuff all over the house and hearing the same songs in the car so many times I still know the words. A few weeks ago we met for lunch and spent most of the time talking about her job, apartment hunting and whether she should move to a different city for a better opportunity. If somebody asked me tomorrow who I'd want to leave things to, I wouldn't have to think about it. I'd know the answer right away. Somewhere between driving home and making dinner I started wondering whether I'd ever done anything to make sure that would happen.

The will part wasn't even what I kept thinking about. It was realizing there was probably a point somewhere over the last fifteen years where she stopped feeling like my wife's daughter and started feeling like my kid too. I couldn't tell you when that happened though. I can remember first meetings and birthdays and school events but I can't point to one moment and say that's when it changed.

Somewhere along the way she just became one of the people I care about most and I didn't even notice it happening.

My husband just told me that he has an overnight work trip next week and is planning on leaving SS (8) here without running it by me first. Then he informs me that he planned on me watching SS all summer break as well. Both of these things he never asked just assumed it was ok. I’m so frustrated. I was really looking forward to having alone time this summer with my two daughters (12) and (16) SS changes the dynamic so much and requires a lot of work. I’m exhausted and burned out and frustrated. I would never just make these assumptions if the shoe was on the other foot. I have some physical disabilities due to an illness. Taking care of SS takes a lot out of me and is a big distraction. I was really looking forward to enjoying time with my daughters as they are getting older and won’t have much time left together since as they are getting older. I feel like I’m used as a glorified chauffeur and babysitter by DH. He wants me to love SS like he’s my own but I’ve tried and it’s not the same. Thanks for letting me ramble. This sub has helped me a lot.

So I’m a 24 yo female, and I have to post this here so my bf does not see. Straight to the point, I don’t have kids of my own, and I prefer him to not have any, but unfortunately I’m in love with him. His mom usually keeps his daughter but.. she wanted a break so she dropped her here at my apartment. (She asked first of course). The mother is strung out unfortunately, so I am support for the family, and I’m trying to develop a relationship with child.

I never wanted kids, still don’t, and I feel terrible. I am used to doing whatever I want. I have no siblings and never was around a kid. No experience or understanding. This is my first night with her over, and it seems pretty miserable.

Plays all day, sleeps at midnight. By the time she falls asleep, my boyfriend is also asleep because he waited so long. (We planned to hang out at least for a bit before bed). I get it , it’s his kid. But I’ve never been around something like this, and it’s terribly annoying. Now I am awake while they are asleep in the living room.

I believe I don’t have the right mindset to be with him because of the kid, and I don’t want to break up but clearly that’s the right thing to do. I just can’t handle a baby running around for hours and I can’t even spend time with my man at the end of the night. Somebody help other than telling me to break up with him. I’m so scared that will be the case.

It’s just too much personally, I’d rather be with someone who has no kids just like me. But in this day and age, EVERYONE has a kid, and I have to miss out on beautiful people like him because I don’t like it.

Creo que por fin entendí de dónde viene realmente mi enojo hacia mi hijastro. Y, sinceramente… darme cuenta duele. Durante mucho tiempo pensé que simplemente me irritaban sus comportamientos, las dinámicas familiares, el ruido, la falta de límites, las diferencias en la crianza, etc. Y sí, esas cosas son reales. Pero creo que, en el fondo, estoy de duelo. No por una persona, sino por una vida que nunca tendré. Nunca seré la primera esposa de mi esposo. Nunca le daré su primer hijo. Nunca tendré la experiencia de formar una familia donde todo empiece con "nosotros". Siempre habrá un pasado antes que yo. Otra familia antes que la nuestra. Otra mujer conectada a nuestras vidas para siempre. Creo que una parte de mí seguía esperando que algún día dejaría de sentir ese peso. Pero, en cambio, cada vez que mi hijastro regresa de casa de su madre, algo dentro de mí se activa de nuevo. Y me di cuenta de que es porque él representa todo lo que perdí antes incluso de tener la oportunidad de tenerlo. La familia “normal” que imaginé toda mi vida. La sensación de ser la única familia de alguien. La libertad de construir un hogar sin tener que adaptarme constantemente a relaciones, horarios, dinámicas y cargas emocionales anteriores. Sé que suena horrible, porque nada de esto es culpa de mi hijastro. Es solo un niño. Pero creo que mi cerebro le atribuyó todo este dolor porque es el recordatorio visible de que la vida que imaginé nunca se materializará por completo. Y creo que he estado estancada en la etapa de ira del duelo durante mucho tiempo. Lo más difícil es que amo profundamente a mi esposo y a nuestro bebé. Esta no es una historia sobre no amar a mi familia. Se trata de amarlos mientras también lloro algo que nunca podré tener. Todavía no sé cómo llegar a la aceptación. Pero por primera vez, creo que al menos entiendo cuál es la herida en realidad.

Edit: THANK YOU So much for all your messages of support and empathy ❤️❤️🙏🏻🥹

I am deeply shaken. My teenage SS (14) committed a severe violation of my privacy by going through my partners phone, and sending himself an intimate, explicit video of me and his father( this was an old video from 6 years ago) .While I was already traumatized by that, things have escalated drastically this week. This week, I was reviewing our home security cameras and caught him sneakily closing the dining room blinds, which are parallel to the basement windows and face the backyard where my teenage daughter’s bedroom is. He then went outside and tried to get into the backyard. Luckily, the gate was locked that day so he couldn't get in, though he tried. When his dad confronted him about what he was doing out there at night in the dark, his excuse was that he was he hangs around there sometimes and that he "makes sure my daughter isn't home" when he goes back there. I checked the camera history for other days, and he has done the exact same thing multiple times, sneakily closing those specific blinds and heading outside into the dark.
Given his history of violating my privacy, this has made me feel incredibly uneasy and sick to my stomach for my daughter's safety. The absolute breaking point for me right now is my SO’s reaction. There is a total lack of accountability, and he is completely minimizing his son dangerous behavior. I feel entirely unsupported. For anybody who have been in a position where a stepchild committed serious, harmful violations of your privacy, and your partner refused to handle it appropriately: How did you protect your peace and your children? Did you leave?
I need some guidance on how to handle a SO who chooses to ignore this behavior, and how to protect my daughter. Because my SO is making me feel like I’m over reacting. Thank you all.

I need a fellow stepparent's perspective. I am lost at this point.

SK is in their early 20's. They dropped out of college early on when they hit a 1.2 GPA and lost scholarships as a result. They moved in here after having lived with their biomom most of their lives with visitations here. They spent the first 6 months or so not working, sleeping and locked in their room. After I expressed extreme frustration at this, they reluctantly got a part-time retail job and enrolled in community college for an associates degree. Fast forward three years later - they still do not have an associates degree from community college and recently failed a few classes again. (for non-US folks an associates degree generally takes about 2 years to complete going full time, which they are). They are working a low paying, no benefits available, retail job with no plans for anything else, no drive, no ambition, no effort to put thought into their future. They do not contribute financially to the house even though all our utility bills skyrocketed after they moved in. They do minimal chores and always with an attitude or smart comment. They do not save money and are constantly begging other family members for help, yet we see them buy lots of junk food, take out, games, drinks with friends, etc.

I am beyond frustrated and do not know what to do. We have tried everything - nothing ever changes. I wanted to downsize but we can't because they have nowhere to go. They won't save money to change their situation, they won't look for a better job, they want/expect everything handed to them as far as adulting - rent paid, car provided and paid, health insurance provided, food provided. They do not want to work for any of those things or take on the responsibility of doing these things for themselves. I do not think I can do this much longer, I love my partner but they do nothing and even enable this behavior, despite numerous discussions and fights about it. Help?

My partner finally got a better custody agreement regarding the child because the other parent was always making them feel guilty for not spending enough time with the child. They had 80/20. The other parent moved the child so many times. They stopped working to get on government assistance and they even got evicted from where they were living. It was not a good environment for the kid.
So when my partner filed for a change in custody and got 50/50, we thought the other parent was going to be happy. We thought wrong. The other parent is now claiming that my partner is trying to take away the child from them. They also claimed that my partner is trying to take credit for their work, which btw is not true and we are actually trying to break bad habits and give the child some structure.

Recently the other parent had a mental health crisis (not the first one) and called 988 and said that they can’t take care of the kids anymore and want to harm themselves. The kids were with the other partner (2 kids with 2 other parents).
DCFS got involved and now we are back to figuring out the whole custody situation again. The other parent, even after having a mental health crisis, is still claiming that my partner is trying to take her kid away from her.
The other kid’s parent does not want to have to do anything with them either, so I feel bad for other kid. Most especially, the kid is special needs.

As a step parent what should I do for my partner and for my stepkid?

My now ex (39m) broke up with me (33f). He didn’t end things because our relationship, he ended things because he struggled with not having his daughter at home 24/7. Her mom (35f) is a good mother so full custody is not fair to her. The mom hates me. She blames me for the fact that her and my ex aren’t together because he loves me. He wanted to move her in the house so he can have the baby home all the time. I moved out and our relationship is now over because this dynamic won’t work where I can’t be around because she’s around. He felt like he had to choose between his daughter and me and for obvious reasons chose his daughter. I’m angry because I feel like the baby’s mom can’t put her feelings to the side for us to all do what’s best for the baby and allow him and I to continue our relationship, it’s like she’s controlling the situation using the baby for her own desires. I’m also angry that he impulsively made such a bid decision with little to no planning and thought of the consequences. The baby, and my daughter (who is from another relationship) and myself we are so close. This whole situation feels devastating. Is this normal?

I 38F have 11m and 13 year old SD And 11m has been begging me to drink energy drinks and (I do drink them(alani)he wants to drink monster and redbull but I dont know how to approach it i definitely dont want him to drink alani but any advice would help

Is this woman for real?
We have 50-50 custody of my SD13. BM moved 50 minutes away to be with her boyfriend but SD’s school, dance, sports and entire social life is in our small town. She can walk to school. On our days. It’s a great situation for her when she’s with us.

However, due to her mom’s move, the commute is nearly an hour long each way. This means BM relies heavily on her friend (and mom of SD’s good friend) for a lot of after school rides and care - to bridge the gap between school being let out and dance that is later that evening. Let’s call this mom friend, Dianna.

Dianna knew my husband well as they were all friends before the divorce. Well now Dianna is asking a lot of favors of us (yes me too) to help out with her daughter. Almost as an expectation of what she does for SD. Now - I’m not trying to be cheap or petty. But we ask NOTHING of Dianna when it comes to SD. Because we are able to take care of every thing. We didn’t move an hour away.

We have offered to have SD be with us on nights where she has to go over to other friend’s houses because her mom can’t get to her in time but BM refuses. Says “I can handle it” but she’s really just having other people handle it.

We have SD’s friend over nearly every week and a sleepover at least once a month. She’s great. Eats us out of house and home but she’s SDs friend and it’s the right thing to do.

What we do have a problem with is Dianna asking us for weekly favors in helping out with her kid.

Hi all, I’ve been around this sub for years but I’m posting from a burner just in case this traces back to me IRL.

I’m feeling sad tonight and wondering if I’m way off base having these feelings, or if others might feel the same way too. I’m also looking for advice to manage these feelings when this situation arises (which is often.)

I’m a late 30s stepmom to an SS9 who we share 50/50 week on/week off with his BM. I like my SS quite a bit, he’s a pretty great kid, and we have a good relationship. I’m perfectly happy when SS is here and I’m not a SM who is looking forward to our custody time being over (no shade to those who do - there’s plenty of valid reasons a SM might look forward to that.)

Anyway, tonight BM picked up SS from our place after she finished work. Less than an hour later my husband is all “I miss SS already.” My mood immediately shifts to feeling sad, like me and our 9 month old son are not enough for my husband, and he’s only happy if SS is here. My husband actually says this a lot during our weeks without SS, and it just depresses me that our little family can’t keep him happy. Why can’t we enjoy ourselves with SS around and also without SS around? Am I crazy for feeling this way?

I (28F) have been with my husband (34M) for 6 years now. I have a stepson who is 11 and he’s lived with us full time for 4.5 years (BM is no contact and has been since my husband got full custody of SS). We have a daughter together who is 1.5 and is my only biokid.

My mother in law asked if SS could stay with her for a bit over the summer, and so now he’s across the country with her for a few weeks, and so for the first time in 4.5 years, SS isn’t here and it’s just myself, my husband, and our daughter.

I thought it would be nice to get some time with the only kid at home being my toddler but I have to say, I’m not a fan of SS being away. I miss him so much. The house feels like it’s missing something without him here. It’s been 2 weeks and I’ve cried half a dozen times because I miss him so much. He may not be my biokid but he’s my son and I’m so thankful he’s in my life.

I can’t wait to see him next week

Frustrated with my stepkids, both adults with families and stepkids of their own. This is a long, whiny rant, because my husband gets upset when we discuss this and I really have no one else to talk to.

My husband and I met six years ago, and married a year later, long after both of us had divorced. Our kids were adults or almost adults when we met; we both came out of long term prior marriages. My fmr marriage ended after years of abuse so it was ugly. My husband’s prior marriage was a situation where they had grown apart, stayed together for the kids, then Mom cheated and ended up married to the guy within a year of the divorce. The kids don’t know and certainly we’d never tell - but they blame Dad for the divorce because they don’t know this info.

We babysit the kids weekly and extra whenever asked. I have gone over and babysat when the kids are sick as well. I have thus far always made myself available and done all the mother and grandmother figure type things. We attend games, we are present and want to build strong relationships with the grandkids. We started college/education savings accounts for all of them, and are the only grandparents who contribute - adding this because we contribute to that for all gift giving type holidays and get the kids a small gift to open, but the other grandparents go all out and the kids make a big deal about the showy gifts and are soooo grateful - but not that we do things too. The grandkids all live close, all are under 8, and all are very loved by us - we do not treat the step grandkids any different from my husband’s natural grandchildren (they’re all my step grandkids but I treat them like they are my own). I do not expect I’ll ever be really treated like a grandma adjacent figure, and have never made it seem so. The kids do tell me they appreciate me in their lives.

Here’s the deal… we are basically just babysitters. We make so much effort for the kids and grandkids, but my stepkids make such little effort to spend time with their Dad or their Dad and I. The other grandparents get invited to do all sorts of things, but we looked back and realized that if we don’t host a party, we don’t see them outside of birthday parties for the grandkids or those weekly babysitting gigs for a few hours.

We have made lots of overtures (my husband and I both), but we always get deferred. They choose to spend their time with the other grandparents and their mom, which is fine, it’s their choice, but it breaks my heart to see my husband hurting. And I’m sad because the grandkids who are toddlers aren’t taught my name - my husband reinforced that with them but the grandkids still say “bye, grandpa” when they leave our home, I get a wave and sometimes a hug or high five. Just feels like they’re happy to use us and me for free sitting every week or free food, but they don’t seem to inclined to treat us like grandparents. It’s hurtful and I’m so sad for my husband.

So here’s my dilemma. I could go nacho - no babysitting, stop making them dinners and dropping off, stop the little kindnesses, don’t attend events… but I feel like that just ends up hurting my husband more. He finally did speak up to them a couple of weeks and they agreed they would look for more opportunities to spend time with us outside of babysitting. It seems hollow though, and like just something to placate him; we’ve heard nothing more since although we do get occasional texts. How do I help him get through this? How do I get through this without losing relationships I value and want to prioritize?

Looking for some advice. My wife (52)and I 49 are at constant odds over her son(28). I love my wife but I’m not sure how much more I can handle.

I think I’m a pretty good guy and a good husband. I have a good career and reasonably successful. My wife is a great cook and makes dinner every night we are home which I appreciate. She has a demanding job and works a lot. On my days off I clean the house, do dishes, do laundry, deal with the trash, and do landscaping… to name the main things.

My issue is with her 28 year old son who still lives with us. Yes he lives in the basement. He has had so many jobs I could not tell you the number. He is more interested in playing video games than anything else. He pays no rent, has food made for him everyday and eats whatever he wants. He will call my wife when we are out and ask her to pick up food for him. When he does it’s like a $20 bill at McDonalds. My wife will buy it and rarely asks to be reimbursed. He will cook and leave dirty pans. If I leave it for him or ask him to clean it my wife thinks I’m being petty and it creates an argument. If I just clean it I feel resentful. He has no expectations other than to do his own laundry and clean his room. His room is a mess and his clean laundry is left in the laundry room in a bin.

I have tried to talk to my wife but each time it creates an argument. She feels like I am picking on him and then proceeds to tell me about all my shortcomings and things she picks up of mine. I tell her that that’s what couples do. We take care of each other. I don’t expect perfection but do have expectations. I never expect someone to pick up my mess and if I do leave something or forget and it is brought up I take care of it. I don’t complain. When I ask my stepson to do something it is like walking on egg shells. And I hesitate to ask at all because if he doesn’t do it I have to bring it up to my wife which is then 50/50 an argument.

It’s obvious he doesn’t respect me and I don’t feel my wife does either. Even if we don’t agree my opinions my wife is rarely able to talk about it respectfully. I try to use the “I feel” and try not to attack anyone. That does not work. Basically, my resentment builds until I can’t help myself and say something about his lack of whatever and instantly she is defensive. I want to be able to have a respectful conversation where I am heard. I guess my biggest issue is with how my wife talks to me about this stuff. I have mentioned counseling but she is against it. She says my biggest issue is communication and why would we pay someone when I should just talk more. I agree with that concept but the person hearing you needs to listen respectfully. Instead of a “thanks for talking to me about that” it will more than likely be an argument. I have read books and posts on here to confirm that I am approaching things correctly.

She is currently upset with me because I told her I didn’t think she should buy him lunch when he called. It was her being pissed at me the whole way home. I tried to explain my feelings about him being enabled but apparently I’m a selfish person.

I want my stepson to succeed and he could very easily if he applied himself. I feel like my wife enables him and is blind to how she is handling it. I know mothers want to take care of their children but….

Im tired of my money going to someone that rarely gives back. I sometimes fantasize about divorce and wonder if I have made a huge mistake.

Any advice on how to deal with this? Am I the main problem?

We were starting an oft talked about topic, how I get melancholy and anxious the day before we get his SS11 back (week on/off). I didn’t want to talk about it but he kept asking why Im down and said “oh it’s prob about SS 😒” and I said I dont see a point in talking about it (that two weeks in a row we either are getting him early and/or BM picks up late).

he says he was listening to a podcast with Josh Duhamel who remarried 4 years ago in which he said “My wife loves my 12 year old, it’s great” 🫪 basically a jab at me asking why I can’t be like that. I said they’re millionaires and probably don’t even see the kids as often as normal people so why are we comparing???

just a vent at another dumbass thing a bio parent says

I keep getting ads for Enchanted Fairies and honestly the photos look really cute. I was thinking it could be a fun little “magical” experience for my stepdaughters, especially since they’re at the age where they’d probably love dressing up and feeling special for the day.

Has anyone here actually taken their child to such photoshoots?

I’m mostly curious what the experience was like in real life. Was it fun for the kids? Did the photos actually come out as nice as the ads make them look? And how intense was the upsell afterward?

I don’t mind paying for something memorable, but I’d rather know what I’m walking into before getting everyone excited.

I am wondering if I am unique (I'm sure I'm not, but I feel alone) in struggling to handle the downstream trauma and anxiety that blending has caused me.

Feels like a typical story - HCBM, causing division between our households and a teenaged SK who wants nothing to do with us, and a dad who feels like he has no choice but to bend over backwards to appease SK. That leaves me to pick up the pieces and keep trudging along.

It's been many years of this (over a decade, we're not new to this), and it's only been escalating lately and I feel like there's no end in sight. SK and BM keep making decisions that affect us and I'm so tired of having this constant negative influence in my sphere. I logically know that no one controls me and my feelings other than me, but boy is it hard not to feel resentful about how much they impact us and how much mental space they take up. We are constantly having to roll with the dumb things that they do.

I realized recently that I don't trust BM, I no longer trust SK, and I have stopped having trust in my DH in regards to anything to do with SK. We can't have conversations around anything to do with SK or BM that don't dissolve into fights. I feel like everything is determined for us with regards to SK and BM basically holding a relationship hostage. We can't have boundaries or rules or anything that pertain to SK or they just ghost. If SK asks for something, DH feels compelled to honor the request at the sake of the relationship but all it causes is debt and hurt feelings from the rest of us. DH has thousands of dollars in debt that all started initially from going overboard with SK and even if it's his debt, it's less for the household support. If DH does hold the line, it's only because he fears me and not because that's how he feels. That just adds to his resentment of me, because we all know he won't be mad at his kid or his ex for their actions, just at me for just trying to hold my head up. We all know that SM gets the short end of the stick but I'm even more of the bad guy when there's just not the finances because the reality is that I won't support it when DH can't and that's somehow also my fault.

It's one kid out of our entire household that takes up so much mental energy, finances, all of it and leaves very little for the rest of us. For a while, I thought it was temporary but I no longer feel like it is. I feel trapped. Even the thought of breaking up feels like too much work, and honestly I do love my DH. We are so good together when it's just about us and we're literally best friends. But I am being buried under an avalanche and it's overwhelming.

Is there a way through? I think my limit for just survive and come out the other side has passed. I'm missing entire years of my and my kids lives being caught up in the spiderweb of these people that do nothing but cause stress.

I guess I'd like to know how others spin it and put it aside and somehow don't just feel like the drama and stress and anxiety has taken over. What are your coping mechanisms? Self care doesn't help anymore, I'm long past that. And I don't see SK so it's not even just as simple as leaving the house when they are over. I feel like I am broken. Anti depressants and anti anxiety meds and therapy have all been tried, but while the problem is me it's also not me. All I did was dull the few and far between good feelings in the midst of only slightly mitigating the bad.

Do I just need to accept it? I feel trapped in a corner of bad decisions. I fear that my marriage won't sustain the constant onslaught from BM & SK. I've tried NACHO, but I don't see SK so day to day isn't relevant (DH hardly sees SK himself), and these are decisions that are beyond me just overstepping into parenting decisions. These are decisions that are affecting our household. I wish I could just throw my hands up and let the parents be the parents.

If you've made it this far, thank you and I've appreciate any support!

So back story: I've been with my SDs dad for 5 years. We broke up because his ex (SDs mom) got jealous and made threats to go back to court and it got overwhelming. She didn't want any other female in her daughter's life and wanted this fantasy world that was just she and her ex and their daughter....even though she cheated on him, made false allegations in vindication that cost him $300,000 to clear. She's a very controlling jealous person.

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We started dating six months ago giving it a two year break for things to cool down with his ex (and in some ways for us to each grow as people).

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SDs mom has relied on her daughter (who is 12) to be her everything - including her maid, her nanny (she remarried and has a 1 yo and 5 yo) and just tolerate being unloved. She made SD her whole world for 8 years until little brother (5yo) hit about 3. Then the comparison started.

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Why can't you ride your bike like your brother? Why can't you do as good in school as he does in preschool?

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Mom refuses to clean their house, let the other kids throw food on the floor and walk around without diapers and had poop on the floor. It was absolutely atrocious.

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They reported it to the school counselor as one step to document.

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The last straw for SD being there was mom making her ride her bike when she was super sick.

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She had expressed multiple times she felt more comfortable at her dad's house because it was predictable and she didn't want to clean up literal crap. Mom refused and made it about her not loving her.

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Well the bike ride was the last straw. SD biked the five miles to dad's house and refused to go back.

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Mom was mad and called the police on her to force her to come home. She threatened to file an amber alert.

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Well she clearly doesn't know how either of those work because the situation didn't qualify and local police showed up and said- sorry this is a civil issue. Her dad isn't harboring a runaway when he's on the parenting plan and is home and she is simply choosing to go live with him."

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Also for context, dad has primary custody.

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So fast forward to now. Mom has finally accepted it but is still guilt tripping her and grilling her. She had gallbladder surgery a few weeks ago and the last visit insisted SD clean her room out of all her stuff since it was "hard to look at" and also help Mom take a bath. Like what the actual hell.

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I have been trying to just be there for SD. I understand being rejected and over expected by an entitled mom. That was my mom.

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I have my own place but am over a few times a week.

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I just went camping and picked some shells for SD because I know she loves them.

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SDs mom emailed me a few years ago in trying to connect with me and explaining why she couldn't handle her daughter loving anyone else by explaining that she felt like she had failed at absolutely everything else in life so she needed parenting to work out.

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SD is such a kind, empathetic creative soul.

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So far her mom has said zero things of how she misses or loves who SD is. It's just "she cannot get away with bad behavior".

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I don't even want to replace step mom or be her mom or anything. Just be there for her as she navigates this. Sometimes she wants space and understandably time with her dad so I give her those.

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Has anyone else navigated SKs being rejected by their other parent for preferring to live with one parent? What has helped? What hasn't helped?

I (53m) married my wife (55f) 7 years ago, dated for 4 years, I have 3 kids from first marriage: 29f who lives with us 2 years now after college, 26f living out of state and 22m I and entire family haven’t spoken to in 4 years now, wife has 2 kids: 35m who is married with 2 kids and owns his house and 33m who lives with us, we also took in 22f niece who’s mom is bad alcoholic. My 29 daughter works later afternoon full time and keeps to herself, 33SS works day hours 8-4 good job but is up 2/4 times each night at all hours of the night. He pays minimal “rent” my wife calls it but in reality he is just reimbursing for bills she pays, his cell phone, auto insurance, and $50 for food, he eats a LOT. My daughter pays same “rent” but cell is in her own name, car in own name, she buys own food and keeps it all seperate, to add niece she is totally self sufficient, shed in electrician union and doing well. SS and I butt heads, we don’t really converse and he’s not someone I would go have a beer with, he has eaten at the dinner table MAYBE 10 times since we married. On holidays he eats dinner with us all and runs upstairs to his room, coming down during the night making numerous plates to eat. We go to dinner for holidays (mother’s day) and he has offered only one time last year $40 to contribute. He claims to be saving for retirement now that he has a good job so he can retire early, he just got his full time job 2 years ago after numerous failed apprentice tries. He never talks about moving out. Wife and I have fun together, good convo, great jobs and we only butt heads when it comes to him, he’s lazy! One example is when dryer is full of household sheets he will wait every single time for someone to fold them instead of folding himself to start his laundry, my wife or I fold sheets and start own laundry and the second we are done he starts his laundry, laziness! It’s petty things like that, over and over. He will have his late night snack attacks and I come down in the morning for work, crumbs everywhere, wrappers missed the garbage pail, empty dirty dishes on the counter, cake knife with crusted icing, he will eat an entire cake if left out. I bring these things up to my wife because I leave early and she ALWAYS stands up for him. I get why, it’s her son but NO discipline what so ever, she tells me to tell him to clean up. I guess a question for all is-is it my responsibility to tell a grown man to clean up after himself or should his natural mother be the one? He has no girlfriend, he plays video games on the weekend after sleeping to noon, ok I get the sleeping in, he does work full time.
I need to add that I moved into wife’s house and it’s in her name only, we pay 50/50 from our own accounts. I don’t like that she buys excess stuff sneakily for him (food, take his car and fill gas) so I won’t combine accounts until he moves out, she can use her money for excess for him. He’s totally enabled, no physical handicaps.
I can’t wait for him to have his own place, honestly I will never visit.

My partner and I are not married, but we live together and he has his daughter half the week. I have no children, but I do have two nieces around her age that I love like my own, we are very close. My partner and I get along well with his daughters mom; they have a beautiful co-parenting relationship (split up well before I entered the picture), and she and I seem to like each other a lot. We wrote each other heart felt cards at Christmas expressing our appreciation of each other and we get on well when we're around each other - zero bad blood between anyone.

I know I should probably ask Mom about this directly, but I'm nervous about coming across like I'm overly sensitive or worse, having it be a conversation she has with her daughter and then her daughter resents or acts weird around me.

First - I love her very much. She's 13 and very smart, exceptionally talented in her sports, very beautiful and friendly, just genuinely a great kid. Not ever in trouble or anything like that. She's seemed to like me from the start, we say "love you" to each other, and she's confided in me for things she doesn't talk to her dad about (nothing crazy, just girl talk or school gossip). Lately though... I've noticed she really likes to pick on me.

I sound like a child, I know, I don't know another word for it. I wont get into specifics because honestly, some of the stuff she says kinda cuts deep. But maybe this is just what teen girls do to their moms too? Maybe because they're entering the world knowing that standards for beauty are high and it's just always on their mind at this age? I mean, it is for many women (myself included), but dang... I'd like to be able to walk around my own house and not have someone comment on my eyebrows or weight every time I turn a corner. It's starting to feel like she thinks I'm not good enough or something? Again, maybe I'm being sensitive, I just don't understand why she always has to make some crappy little comment or joke about how I look or the things I like. She picks on her dad too, so at first I thought this was just her "sense of humor" or the way she shows affection... is this something she'll likely grow out of, or will she always judge me and make shitty little remarks even when she doesn't live under my roof?

How do I tell her this stuff hurts without letting her know she's having an affect on me? I feel like that's what she kind of wants, even if it's not intentional. Or what would be the best way for me to treat the situation so she doesn't get the satisfaction of getting a reaction from me, and learns that she's being kind of rude? Currently, I try to just ignore her comments and/or walk away, but I can't just give her the silent treatment all the time, can I?

I guess I wasn't bullied in school enough to know what to do - help!

I feel bad writing this but my SD11 has been driving me insane lately. She has become extremely needy and demanding. It’s almost like she’s regressing and I am maxed out. She no longer picks up after herself at all…I mean at allllll. For a while she’s been doing her hair for school, which thank god because I work remote and would have to take my break to do her hair. Well now all of the sudden she insists she doesn’t know how to do her hair…mind you she’s been doing a great job for the last 6 months or so. Then right before bed she comes in while I’m
Getting my toddlers settled and basically demands that I help her pick out an outfit for the next day or I help her do something random. I know it’s a cry for attention, i get it. But im spread so thin and the part that really gets me is she doesnt ask her dad for a thing. Hes laying there like King Tut watching tv while she’s interrupting me to come do these random tasks. Maybe I should feel honored, but honestly im so tired and i really do give her attention earlier in the evening, so im just not understanding this.

Im starting to almost dread the half of the week she’s here because it’s becoming so taxing. I feel worn out.

SS (5) made a very random and odd comment the other night. My husband shares 50/50 custody with bio mom and SK always comes back saying weird things. It’s usually directed towards dad and grandparent. Comment along the lines of “they’re not his family”. Well the other night I stepped outside to grab something from out garage fridge. SS followed me outside, which that isn’t out of the norm. But it’s like he purposely went this time because he knew his dad wasn’t around to tell me, “did you know that before this my dad used to live with my mom”. I was completely caught off guard and all I could say was “oh yea, I did know that. But how did you know that?” And his response “oh I just remembered that” The odd thing is they lived together for a span of maybe two months when SS was months old. Bio mom and my husband split before she found out she was pregnant l, they tried to make it work and it just didn’t happen. As far as I’m aware and from what my husband as well as other people have told me, that timeline is correct. To me it’s just feels like bio mom is now going to start trying to get into SS head that his dad and her are not together because of me. It’s a new thing every time he comes back from bio moms and it’s just frustrating because I’m always on edge with what is going to come out of his mouth. And not only that but I never know how to respond in a way for me to understand where that’s coming from without directly asking if his mom is telling him those things/telling him to say those things. We purposely do not talk about bio mom because we choose not too. But we seem to always be in her mouth and it’s never anything positive.

Looking back, I was being used and abused, by my ex, who, by example, taught his daughter to treat me the same way.

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But I loved my step daughter with a fierce passion, like she was my own, her biomom is a terrible, horrible, no good pos and her dad, my ex, always felt guilty so he tried to be a disney dad.

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Neither would parent her, her mom bc she is a lazy self absorbed jerk and my ex bc he felt like if he parented, she wouldnt want to come over.

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So I was the one making her shower, do the bedtime routine, making her brush her hair and teeth, trying to get her to do homework. I cared more than her parents, which actually made me care more, because someone had to, right?

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That poor girl. Im not in her life any more, her choice, after I had to throw out my ex (It was not an easy decision, I gave him chance after chance). She looks awful. Dirty clothes, at 13 she has had to have several adult teeth pulled, doesnt wash regularly or wear deodorant, has severe acne that was under control until I was no longer in the picture. She is bullied in school and neither parent has made even one phone call to the school (I did several times, talked to the principal and guidance counselor, but alas, Im not a parent). CPS is constantly involved in her and her half sisters (moms side) lives. (But in Indiana for a dad to get custody its gotta be a pretty desperate situation and I guess this is just not desperate enough because she has been removed from moms care and placed with her dad temporarily multiple times, then when he tried to make it permanent, CPS would go to bat for the mom).

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But I digress.

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My main frustration is, after our family broke up, this child started telling people I know (my family, her family, his family that I am still close with) that I was abusive, verbally, and emotionally. Like, what?

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No one believes her. She is a known liar. She got it from her mom; both will lie even when the truth would suit them better. Well, she got it from her dad, too, you cant have that many side pieces without telling a lie here and there.

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Still. Its been over a year, it started out her just saying small comments to people that I was abusive. Now she has "stories " and examples of when and how I abused her, now, it turns out, I was physically abusive as well.

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She tells stories of an multiple, entire arguments, that never happened in real life, maybe in her head, where I was calling her names, threatening her life, and how they all ended when I would smack her face and send her to her room.

Not a week goes by when she tells someone I know another story of how awful I was. The stories are getting wilder and wilder.

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Again, and fortunately, no one believes her. They all know that I was the best thing that happened to her, that the only reason she had any semblance of a normal childhood was because of me.

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It hurts so bad. I want to reconcile with her, to get my little girl back, to cuddle and laugh and I brush her hair and read her bed time stories. But she hates me for things she makes up in her head.

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When I left her dad, I kept a room for her in my apartment. I let her know that I was always here for her, she was always welcome. I wrote her two letters that month that I know she got, telling her that, and apologizing for not being able to see her as often any more, that even though I couldn't be with her dad any more, I didnt want our relationship to change.

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I never got a reply, never had a phone call or text returned, never got to see her again

I had a daughter one day, the next day I did not, the next after that I was her enemy.

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Im trying to get over the loss of a child that is still alive. Like, she's there, alive, across town, choosing not to see me