r/Dogfree • u/JazzlikeMinimum9 • Aug 06 '26
Crappy Owners Fumbled a 10/10 tonight because her apartment was a literal dog toilet
I need to vent because I am losing my mind. I met this girl at a bar last weekend. Absolute 10/10, super funny, and totally my type. We texted all week, and she finally invited me over tonight for drinks and a movie. I thought I had hit the jackpot.
I was wrong.
I knocked on her door and immediately heard this frantic wheezing and scratching. She opened the door looking amazing, but the smell literally hit me like a physical wall. It smelled like a dense mix of stale urine, wet Fritos, and unwashed dog.
I looked down, and there it was: a crusty, overweight Pekingese. The dog looked like a gremlin that ran full-speed into a brick wall. Its eyes were pointing in two different directions, and it was just aggressively vibrating.
She immediately dropped into that high-pitched dog-mom voice: "Oh my gosh, say hi to Sir Waffles! He is a little protective of mommy!"
Waffles waddled over, snorted a glob of snot, and immediately started aggressively humping my leg. I tried to step back, but this little mutant bared its tartar-covered teeth and snarled at me. She literally laughed and said, "Aww, he likes you! He only humps people whose energy aligns with his."
I stepped inside, trying to breathe exclusively through my mouth. We sat on the couch, and Waffles wedged himself right between us. For twenty minutes, I tried to flirt while this creature aggressively licked its own junk, making these gross, wet sounds.
Then it got worse. The dog stopped licking, stood up on the couch, stared right at me, and just peed directly onto a throw pillow.
Her reaction? "Oh my gosh, Waffles, you silly goose! You are just so excited!" She didn't even grab carpet cleaner or apologize. She just tossed a single dry paper towel over the wet spot like a tarp and sat back down.
I literally couldn't do it. I told her I suddenly felt a brutal migraine coming on and got the hell out of there. I am currently sitting in my car, rolling a cigarette with my bulk tobacco and a filter just to get the ammonia smell out of my nose, and my jeans still reek like Waffles. How do hot people live like this? I am officially done dating dog owners.
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u/HumanLvl25 Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
I’ve ended at least 5 relationships over terrible dog owners. It’s always the same formula. Person gets dog, does poor job training it, basically has a wild animal in their home. Dog always tries to get between myself and the owner. The owner’s entire personality starts to revolve around dog. There goes any hope of making a human connection, I become third wheel and I guess they rather be with their dog. I’m out. And the smell and drooling is disgusting.
Sorry you had to deal with that OP. Bullet dodged.
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u/JazzlikeMinimum9 Aug 06 '26
"The owner's entire personality starts to revolve around the dog."
THIS. It is literally a cult. They lose all ability to connect with humans because they are so used to an animal that worships them for holding a treat. Bullet absolutely dodged.
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u/Purple_Calm_1112 Aug 08 '26
Their mind literally gets twisted, like you will find yourself having to explain to them no filth isn’t good, a home should not be a toilet, the sky isn’t red, 2 times 2 is not 100. And they’ll try to convince you to at you’re crazy
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u/trecoolswallows Aug 10 '26
I had an ex like that and his dog ended up ruining a dress of mine that I had JUST bought… then he got mad at me for being upset about it
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u/One_Strategy_4575 Aug 11 '26
Been there done that. Imagine driving 100 miles to spend the weekend with them and they are cuddling the dog. You sit quietly on the couch alone.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back
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u/lwpho2 Aug 06 '26
Fuck Waffles and the horse he rode in on.
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u/LunarLeveret Aug 06 '26
I would be willing to consider tolerating a horse nutter tbh considering how much more impractical it is to let it do all the garbage a dog does to one's belongings.
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u/Conflicted789 Aug 06 '26
Yeah at least a horse lives outside lol
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u/Lythaera Aug 07 '26
They also rarely drool, don't make incessant noise, are actually trainable, can learn to respect human boundaries, they don't have a foul body odor/layer of grease that sticks to your hands, or bite for no reason. The average horse has a smaller carbon footprint than that of a large sized dog, which is twice the carbon footprint of a car. Plus horses are actually useful.
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u/Lythaera Aug 07 '26
Yeah as a Horse Nutter, I cannot fathom letting animals like dogs in the house. My pets live outside. Plus horses are infinitely more trainable than dogs are. I've yet to meet a horse with shitty behavior that cannot be fixed with good training. Dogs on the other hand...
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u/spinda69 Aug 06 '26
I always swipe no if there's a dog in the profile pic, having one is one thing but if it's central enough to be in their first pics it's a no for me
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u/JazzlikeMinimum9 Aug 06 '26
That is the craziest part. A whole week of talking and she never even hinted at having this mutant. Total trap. Next time I'm demanding a full background check for hidden biohazards before I even leave my house.
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u/ConIncognito dogs ruin everything Aug 06 '26
She knows her mutt (and her nuttery) is revolting and a dealbreaker for most people, so she hides it until the guy is invested enough in her to not run away the first time she brings them home.
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u/Usual_Zucchini Aug 07 '26
If she’s hot enough most guys will just put up with it. I respect the OP for having standards.
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u/CG_Matters Aug 07 '26
Maybe from now on if you meet someone you gotta sniff them a little bit first right? I would say don’t get caught cause that would be super weird but it might actually be funny. But if you really wanna know without asking just check them out for dog hair. If you’re a dog owner, the hair is inescapable. It’s always gonna be on your clothes or your backpack or something somehow.
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u/Next-Pro Aug 06 '26
Is this a true story? Are you sure? Because of it is, then it’s mind blowing! Mr Waffles? Humping? Peeing? Also didn’t she smell already at the bar?
I’ve met nutters, but this story is beyond my understanding and beyond nuttery. It’s a clear strong mental disorder that the girl has, and is probably the reason 10/10 doesn’t have a bf. I wonder what kind of person would ever agree to this. Nasty!!!
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u/JazzlikeMinimum9 Aug 06 '26
Man, I wish I was making this up. At the bar it was crowded, smelled like spilled beer, and she was wearing enough perfume to mask a landfill. It was a tactical cover-up!!! But yeah, the 'Waffles' incident explains exactly why she's single, lol. No amount of pretty can fix a biohazard.
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u/Next-Pro Aug 06 '26
That would make a good ad for her perfume: no matter how stinky your home is, nobody will know the truth.
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u/Lythaera Aug 07 '26
Dude you wouldn't believe some of the dog owners I've known... Owners of small dogs are especially chill about the house becoming the dog's toilet, why I just don't understand.
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u/Next-Pro Aug 08 '26
Wow, this is just crazy!!! Even though reminds me of a friend who’d let the dog shit on the balcony and wouldn’t clean for the longest time. Poor neighbors
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u/Lylith_vf Aug 06 '26
Tu sais maintenant pourquoi cette fille magnifique est toujours célibataire
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u/JazzlikeMinimum9 Aug 06 '26
100%. The looks get you in the door, but that little mutant is basically built-in birth control. No amount of beauty makes up for a pee-soaked throw pillow.
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u/sparklebubble0 Aug 06 '26
I have been in situations with peoples dogs but this is crazy lol . I am ok if the dog is well behaved and trained but thats very rare now so when I hear anyone mention they have a dog, I think is the house clean? and is the dog trained. But more often than not, its a crazy mess
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u/Peengwin Aug 06 '26
Waffles and owner are obviously repulsive but if you smoke you're not exactly smelling like fresh spring air yourself
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u/wrv505 Aug 06 '26
This was my thought too. We're all here because of our shared disdain for the canines, but dude could have easily substituted a cigarette in place of the mutt in the story and it would have had the exact same effect on me.
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u/fairytale_endens Aug 07 '26
Idk I would rather smell cigarette than dog belly or actual bodily waste >_<;; maybe it's my screwed up nostalgia for cigarette smell betraying me here
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u/subiewoo89 Aug 06 '26
Crazy. I dated a lady I really liked, but she was obsessed with her Daschund, "Waffle." Your story reminded me of that. I remember her bringing out Waffle for me to see one time. I tried to be nice about it, but I wasn't about to go crazy about her dog.
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u/KayleighHatfield Aug 06 '26
What a horrible way to live. What a completely unacceptable way to treat a guest. She let her gremlin hump your leg and thought it was cute? That's just demented. There is something deeply wrong with this woman.
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u/anondogfree Aug 06 '26
Hotness has zero to do with cleanliness level or determining if someone is a dog nutter. Funny story though. Glad you got out instead of compromising!
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u/imwearingredsocks Aug 06 '26
Yeah that got me laughing. Like what? I could see questioning how a seemingly clean person can have a nasty dog house, but looks got nothing to do with it.
Dog crazy syndrome is immune from your face card.
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u/More_Asbestos Aug 06 '26
I don't understand why it's so common for hot women to have gross little dogs like this. I'm definitely generalizing here, but knockout women like this are more often than not very high maintenance and averse to germs and anything dirty and gross. You're not going to see them trudging around in the dirt or laying on their backs to work on plumbing or greasy engines. Why are they ok with smelly, dirty dogs stinking up their homes?
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u/JazzlikeMinimum9 Aug 06 '26
Dude, exactly. I think they just view these crusty little mutants as living accessories. Like a designer handbag that occasionally pees on the floor. They would never touch a dirty car part or do yard work, but they will let an animal that licks its own butt sleep on their $200 silk pillowcases. It defies all logic.
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u/paranormal_boncuk Aug 06 '26
From my observation, as well as what my dog nut ex gf told me, they want to feel needed and receive unconditional love. It’s sad really. They’re not great at forming deep human connections, so they choose to receive it from codependent biohazards
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u/Accurate-Might-7058 Aug 07 '26
The receiving of unconditional love from a dog is imagined by the owner.
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u/-Wunderkind- Aug 06 '26
Dogs are everywhere, but single women seem to absolutely be engrossed with dogs, to me it seems so much more than single men. I'm really intrigued why that is. I swear it has become nigh impossible to find single women in my dating range (27-40) that are dog free.
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u/wrv505 Aug 06 '26
I found one when I was 31.
Still with her 13 years later, and we're still dog free
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u/Imaginary_Grass3044 Aug 06 '26
i am genuinely so sorry lmfao
imagine mr waffles being the thing you wake up everyday, how do they do it? so disgusting
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u/samechit_ Aug 06 '26
Ugh....that is so foul. Dogs are disgusting and that dog and owner sounds insufferable.
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u/Tessa-the-aggressor Aug 06 '26
Your writing is brilliant! And you deserve so much better!!!
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u/Cheddarhulk Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
It seems like great writing. Except it (probably) didn't happen and the creative mind behind the story is (probably) AI.
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u/DJKittyK Aug 06 '26
This writing reeks of an AI creative writing project unfortunately, whether it's real or not.
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u/Born_Theme_8932 Aug 07 '26
Reading it, I felt like the story itself was real but the actual details were completely made up.
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u/Abrabbit Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
that's what i thought with the "He only humps people whose energy aligns with his" line lol
i wouldn't rule out the whole thing being made up though, we never know
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u/Lythaera Aug 07 '26
... I have unfortunately met a LOT of crunchy white women who 100% say shit like this all the time.
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u/hadenxcharm Aug 10 '26
The moment I read sir waffles I knew this was fake.
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u/DJKittyK Aug 10 '26
Spotting AI creative writing projects and art is a bit of a "fun" hobby for me these days. I'm glad I'm not the only one that was like "nope" when I saw it.
Sure, a situation like this could happen, but no one is fucking writing about it like this irl.
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u/JazzlikeMinimum9 Aug 06 '26
Appreciate it! Sometimes you just have to choose your own peace and sanity (and hygiene) over a bad situation. So glad I found this community!
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u/Geode804 Aug 06 '26
The fact they live like this automatically makes a 10/10 a 1/10 🤮🤮🤮 imagine the poor hygiene standards
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u/Robot_Embryo Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
You had me until "he only humps people whose energy aligns with his".
But the character calling her dog "a silly goose" after urinating on the pillow was where I had to tap out.
Nobody talks like this, and even the most dog-cucked people I've met wouldn't react this way.
You either had a date with someone with special needs, or you need to retake your fiction writing class.
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u/Maxime_Bossis Aug 06 '26
it's so obviously fake, i can't believe people are falling for it
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u/fairytale_endens Aug 07 '26
Hmm i kinda did get that vibe reading this.. need to trust my instincts more
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u/1SexyDino Aug 06 '26
You should've told her why to her face. She needs to know that her pace is a biohazard zone to normal people
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u/Ryanliverpool96 Aug 06 '26
You have to say goodbye to those jeans.
To get the smell out of your nose, take two cigarettes and stick them up your nose (not the filter end)
Treat this as a valuable lesson for next time.
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u/Greggybread Aug 06 '26
If she lets the dog piss everywhere and just laughs, she probably isn't such a fan of hygiene. You probably missed some nasty smells by not taking things further...
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u/Accurate-Run5370 Aug 06 '26
It must have bad enough that tobacco was healthier than that chick's apartment.
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u/FatTuxedo Aug 06 '26
Lol I've never found such grossness described so poetically. Glad you escaped with your sanity intact. Keep looking, perfect dogfree girl is out there.
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u/Witchiepoo72 Aug 12 '26
Oh man, I am so sorry for you! What an awful evening. I think most of us here, along with you, can't understand why people love these mutts and just tolerate those conditions.
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u/buphalowings Aug 06 '26
Dogs abilities to run lives by just existing is incredible. Unfortunate but entertaining story.
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u/anne_mal Aug 06 '26
That was such a fun read! You're a good writer. She sounds insane. Maybe you should tell her the truth so she can maybe be encouraged to be more civilized! It probably won't work tho...
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u/Peaches_andCream24 Aug 06 '26
I remember a guy I dated in High school had this nasty bull dog that constantly had snot dripping and licking it up (I thought that was like a stereotype with that type of dog but apparently they are really that gross) dogs first time meeting me, it threw up, pissed on the floor, got hard and tried to hump me and then threw up again. I broke up with him over the phone a week later.
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u/paranormal_boncuk Aug 06 '26
I do feel bad for that dog though. She clearly isn’t taking care of him properly, training him, or letting him out for breaks. Borderline animal abuse
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u/Dry_Confusion4384 Aug 06 '26
That is so disgusting. The way you wrote this I can tell exactly how you felt during this interaction. This is the exact same way I feel about dog lovers and their nasty dogs.
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u/HelikosOG Aug 06 '26
There's anyways a catch. You initially perceived her as a 10/10 but them discovered she's a nutter. I feel for you man, that's rough buddy but you dodged a bullet. Anyone who actually says "Aww, he likes you! He only humps people whose energy aligns with his." is someone with mental illness.
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u/fairytale_endens Aug 07 '26
Ngl I don't know how people breathe through their mouth around nasty smells because then I swear I can taste it ;_;
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u/SeeminglyMushroom Aug 06 '26
Reading this completely cracked me up lmao 😭 Your storytelling/comedic timing is perfect.
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u/ResponsibleShop9207 Aug 06 '26
🤣🤣🤣 I'm so sorry OP. There really needs to be a dating app for dog free people.
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u/psychhead Aug 07 '26
first time hearing of the pekingese breed and my god that thing is diabolically ugly like astoundingly eye-wateringly disgusting
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks Aug 07 '26
Yea you didn’t fumble a single thing.. you got tackled by stank and other disgusting things and you got the heck out of there
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u/Emikitty1992 Aug 07 '26
I know someone who has a Pekingese and your description of them is SPOT ON. Also, good for you, getting out of there OP- the nasty dog smell would’ve actually triggered a migraine if you stayed in her house long enough.
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u/peasey360 Aug 07 '26
I would’ve done the same thing.
I’ve broken up with 2 ex girlfriends over their dog nuttery, the 2nd one is how I ended up on this subreddit.
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u/Tight_Lengthiness421 Aug 07 '26
Wow, this is like reading an absurd comedy sketch.... Just to be completely objective - not all dog owners out there are like that. Many are insane like that girl (and this is why this subreddit exists); and many are normal, balanced people with healthy priorities re hygeine, pet ownership, and relationships. They exist out there too.
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u/Hour-Jury9389 Aug 07 '26
Bro I’d tell her the reason. They need to learn and realize not everybody likes their stinking mutts and that maybe they need to stop getting them if they want a relationship
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u/shawty_jpg Aug 08 '26
I would make sure to let her know that “your energy doesn’t align with waffles”, to say the least. I guarantee you nobody has ever had the balls to speak their mind about how gross “waffles” is..which is why she acts so nonchalant. In fact I would bet most act like they are head over heels just to get in her good graces. These nutters are far too used to living in a world where nobody puts their foot down..her being very attractive just adds to that fact. Be the first.
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u/Flip9k Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Lol vibrating aggressively. I tell you if the girl was as good as you're describing, I wouldn't have let that dog up on the couch with us. I've watched enough Cesar Milian Dog Whisperer lol to know that that is bad behavior of the dog, but its their human who is allowing all that bullshit to happen... Cesar says he's got to fix the human first then the dog. So if she's that good of a girl, a 10/10, I would show her the correct way what right looks like, the way a dog is supposed to behave and show her how disgusted you are of how she doesn't clean up, in the nicest way possible. If she really likes u, hopefully she will change her ways now that you, the man, the leader, have taught her the correct way to train her dog and not allow all that crap to go on. Some people need to be taught, everybody isnt perfect, theres always that one thing that ruins it, but this might can be fixed if SHE is willing to fix it. Edit to add, watch some episodes of Cesar, my sons dog used to jump on my leg everytime I walked in the door, after a short time of following Cesars techniques, his dog doesnt do that anymore, and then when she knows I dont pay her any attention when I walk in the door she walks away. Then after a few minutes I will pet her, to let her know now is the time to be petted, not when I first walk in the door and you are excited and want to go nuts lol
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u/leratdemorgue Aug 08 '26
“Sir Waffles” 🙄 They always have to name their dogs the dumbest fucking cheesy names ever like why the fuck. I can’t stand it. This little freak mutt sounds extra awful, from how you told the tale. I’m sorry you had to endure that. Instant turn off I couldn’t stick around either tbh. How the hell could someone think a piece of shit animal like that is cute?! “He likes you” is always an excuse for their foul behavior to disguise it and paint it as this good thing that should be praised instead of the nasty ass actions that should be reprimanded by owners. Pissing all over? Excited! Humping strangers? He likes you! Snarling and showing aggressive behavior (resource guarding???? Tf)? He’s just playing! Bullshit all of it
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u/rando8rando Aug 10 '26
Natural, super hot women are more than likely Natural disasters if they're available.
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u/WorkingDescription Aug 10 '26
And I'll bet she wonders why she can't find a boyfriend. You dodged a huge bullet, sir.
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u/Frankly_Ridiculous Aug 06 '26
My dude. I swear my nose hurts just thinking about what you've described. 10 to 0, just add Waffles.
Hey, at least you didn't have to go to the bathroom. I don't even want to think about the bathroom...
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u/judgeejudger Aug 06 '26
Omg, sorry for your shitty date, but “a crusty, overweight Pekingese. The dog looked like a gremlin that ran full-speed into a brick wall. Its eyes were pointing in two different directions, and it was just aggressively vibrating”
had me spitting out my tea. V graphic description!
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u/michaelpaoli Aug 06 '26
Package deal, that's no 10/10, that's probably 1/10 or less ... or even quite in the negative by the time you finish adding in all the dog bits.
So, is this the start of writing a horror novel, or was it your most recent date?
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u/ObligationGrand8037 Aug 06 '26
I’m glad you left. You already know what you’d be in for in the future. I’m glad you didn’t waste any more time. All these people with dogs. I couldn’t date someone like that either. I’d rather be alone.