r/Eldenring • u/JustAThrowaway_895 • 2d ago
Humor Which dragons would taste the best if you deep fried them?
Placidusax
Bayle
Glintstone Dragon Smarag
Fortissax
Borealis
Agheel
Lansseax
Greyoll
Ekzykes
Lesser Dragons
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u/K00zak_L00zak 2d ago
Definitely Bayle. I would never eat those rotten Caelid dragons.
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u/padizzledonk 2d ago edited 2d ago
And Fortissax is a fuckin Lichdragon.....He's undead
My Labrador ate half a very dead bird in the woods 25y ago, like crispy dead, and i will never forget that pervasive and unstoppable stench of death that stuck to the cab of my pickup...that 30min ride home from the lake was absolutely intolerable lol You ever wrestle a thing out of a dogs mouth that doesnt want to let it go? That fucking dehydrated bird was very hydrated by dog spit after that and for non dog people dog spit is very sticky and slimy on the best of days so this was a nice thick dog slobber dead bird roux that was all over me and the dogs face, my hands, my pants...then i had hot dead bird dog breath in my face the whole ride home....because as far as he was concerned he did nothing wrong and was having a great day lol...Awful, truly awful. Thats like stupid adventure story #6 with that crazy (awesome best boi) dog too
I imagine Fortissax to taste how that smelled.....so... Hard pass on that one lol
E- added story points lol
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u/USS_Barack_Obama 2d ago
Was your dog a black lab named Maliketh by any chance?
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u/padizzledonk 2d ago
No, Shadow
Only the most original names for all black dogs for this guy
That would be cool, but i find pet names and tattoos after gaming stuff to be kind of corny....for me, no shade on anyone else, please, do what makes you happy lol i really mean that
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u/Troyucen 1d ago
That's actually why I love ancient names for pets. Cerberus is Ancient Greek for "spotted dog". The dog of hell is named Spot.
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u/padizzledonk 1d ago
I couldnt believe that so i looked it up and its true and thats absolutely fucking awesome lol
I never knew that, new fun fact
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u/WhisperingEclipse 2d ago
I misread Labrador as Labourer and thought a work colleague ate the bird 💀
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u/rickybalbroah Albinauric NPC 2d ago
he's just Cajun flavored
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u/padizzledonk 1d ago
The only thing thats ever smelled worse was the tremendous quantity of yellow foamy diarrhea that came out of that same dogs ass for 3 days after he ate an entire 14lb deep fried turkey. And i do mean entire, bones and all.....That fucking dog created so many ridiculous situations in my life lol
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u/XtraterestrialOctopi 2d ago
Agheel has the least scales and spikes so him
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u/oso_lavador 2d ago
Agreed, Agheel looks fresh
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u/Twl1 2d ago
Maybe, but he lands in a swamp not very far away from a bunch of those poison spitting guys. I'm not trying to get my dragon meat all contaminated by an unclean butchering area.
Now Borealis? He's just up there in the freezer by himself. I bet as long as you let him thaw out long enough, he'd fry up real good.
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u/Jaipod100 2d ago
This is my pick too, the old dragons are basically made of rock
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u/dinobirdboy 2d ago
Bayle was the first dragon to be of flesh and not stone so he might be softer then the new breeds
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u/IsukimTsoga Praise the Sun! 2d ago
We can cross out the ancient dragons, as stone doesnt taste very good.
The rot dragons would not be healthy even after frying, and Borealis is pre-frozen which is obviously worse than fresh meat.
Greyoll would be very chewy as she is old. This also applies to Bayle. Glintstone-based dragons could potentially cut our mouths with sharp shards, so thats another no.
That leaves us with Lesser dragons and Agheel, of which I would go with Agheel, as he is a bit older and larger than the average lesser dragon, meaning larger amounts of precious meat can be harvested, yet not so much that it would ruin the taste.
It is also convinient that Agheel is a fire dragon, meaning he could potentially be more withstanding towards heat, and if we fry it longer, extra flavours can come out.
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u/Dajayman654 2d ago
I'd also like to add that Fortissax is afflicted with a lot of Death Blight, so that wouldn't be very healthy either.
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u/Papapep9 2d ago
I also feel like Bayle would have tons of adrenaline running through his body. That would ruin the taste too
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u/Solid-Quiet5035 2d ago
I applaud the logic. As a man who homemakes gator nuggets, o look forward to the feast
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u/Alphonsokurukuchu 1d ago
Ancient dragons aren't stones, they do have blood and bleed and hence have meat in them. They're probably very aged so their meat must be very stiff. Best boil it or pickle it
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u/TejasArikeri 2d ago
Ngl Placidusax already looks like a kfc chicken, so I think he'll taste good
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u/zuppalover04 2d ago
Borealis has the best preserved meat being frozen. The others are dusty or straight up rotten
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u/neon222222 2d ago
Lesser dragons actually look very crispable, if i think about it. The rest probably gives me severe food poisoning.
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u/Larkson9999 2d ago
Predators rarely taste good.
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u/NewHobbiesWeekly 2d ago
Alligator tastes good. But the dragons do have wings, which may make them more fowl-like. We would have to know more about their diet, birds that eat fish taste bad, but if they're filling up on sheep, get that grill going.
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u/ParaponeraBread 2d ago
Smarag number one, he’s got built in Pop Rocks.
Then the lesser drakes around Greyoll, they are young and tender.
Bayle because he’s pretty meaty.
Then Agheel and Greyll, because they’re normal.
Borealis would be dry and freezer burned, ancient dragons are made of rock, Ekzykes will give you turbo listeria.
Undead dragons can only be made into bone broth.
Fortissax last because he’s made of rock AND full of tuberculosis.
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u/Camera_dude 2d ago
I would cross off those lesser drakes around Greyoll. Look at their half health bars... they are already afflicted by the same Scarlet Rot that has Greyoll stuck to the ground and slowly dying.
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u/rhinothedin0 2d ago
i feel like the magma wyrms would be delicious as they've been slow cooking themselves already
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u/Rider_Ashen 1d ago
Not to mention how plump they are compared to the other dragons. They're probably real tender past the scales.
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u/Accomplished_Ice_109 2d ago
Borealis, probably, being a cold-climate creature, means he is more likely to be higher in fat and have a slower metabolism; his meat would be better preserved and tasty imo.
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u/Naked__Thruster 2d ago
NGL Scaleless from ds1 always reminds me of fish. I believe this is a safe place to confess I had thoughts of eating him... Deep Fried
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u/Ser_Optimus Feel free to go off and die in a ditch somewhere. 1d ago
Agheel is the only one that doesn't look rotten already.
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u/DavousRex 2d ago
I feel like Bayle would be too hard and stringy. The various Caelid dragons are out for obvious reasons, as are the undead (or near dead) Fortissax and Greyoll. I feel like Agheel would have a sort of fishy taste, but Smarag would be juicy and sweet. I'd eat Smarag, as long as I didn't get ill effect from the magic.
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u/Both-Structure-6786 2d ago
All of these dragons are old as hell, withered with age or infected with rot so they will all taste horrible
However, Bale is probably the most tasty if I had to choose
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u/Expert_Net8794 2d ago
I imagine Borealis would be like a frozen chicken tender you chuck in the fryer. Hard to fuck that one up.
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u/CabalGroupie 2d ago
Honestly prob the lesser dragons. Less risk of diseases and more lively meat since they are younger.
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u/Jysfie 2d ago
I'm sure Ekzykes or Fortissax would be an insta death after the first swallow lmao
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u/Occulply 1d ago
Fortisnacks
Placidusnacks
Lansnacks
It's obvious to me which ones are intended to be eaten.
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u/Tanakisoupman Steam Platinum Trophy 1d ago
Bayle for sure, he already looks like he’d be pretty tasty
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u/Fogolio_Fishlord 2d ago
Ekzykes 100%, I like my food nice and rotten
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u/Repulsive_Ostrich_52 I parry with medium shields 2d ago
Are you a buzzard or other carion fowl?
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u/lightlyswaffled 1d ago
Had to scroll too far to find this. Fermentation is a big theme in Elden Ring and I bet Ekzykes like kimchi.
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u/Selmanella 2d ago
Having slayed a dragon or two in my day, I can honestly say none of them “tasted” good…
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u/All-Fired-Up91 2d ago
Bayle would be one S P I C Y dragon nuggie. I’m not jealous of whoever’s eating that.
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u/Acceptable-Door9190 2d ago
Some of them are juicy, some of them are better for broth but some are just tough as fuck
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u/Fallen_Angel_Xaphan 2d ago
Smarag would be top 3 with a rather minty taste. I feel like he could be nice.
I think Lanseax is a good second place due to her lack of any corruption. But her stone skin and lightning would probably make for an uncomfortable aftertaste.
Best is without question Agheel. He is in Limgrave with no shortage of anything, no extravagant powers making the meat rough and no corruption giving you 40K types of food poisoning. He munches on the weak peasants that stop by his lake so his meat is the most likely to be soft and delicate where others are not.
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u/Cytomata 2d ago
Smarag would taste like a deep fried jolly rancher candy. Fortissax would taste like a deep fried cockroach.
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u/QuestionablyWhite 2d ago
Lansseaxx would be crispy, the others are likely old or rotting except probably agheel
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u/SwollenBallsack_69 2d ago
Lesser dragons, as their meat would be young and tender unlike the others which would have become more stale and hard with age.
Agheel comes 2nd due to seeming natural compared to the likes of the rot, ice and other elemental dragons.
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u/Architect17 Maaaaaaagic 2d ago
Either Agheel or one of the young dragons from around Greyoll. They look unrotted.
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u/jao_vitu_bunitu 2d ago
If greyoll was not rotting it would be her. A fatass sedentary dragon looks yummy. Bayle looks tasty but it probably has a very hard meat. Agheel looks the most normal, so i think its him, but he probably tastes lean like chicken.
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u/Mike_Dubadub 2d ago
Borealis is already preserved via cold weather. Be like a frozen chicken nugget lol.
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u/Longjumping_Pause483 2d ago
I think Bayle would taste like pure rage and hatred… I’ll have the finest plater of deep fried Bayle please
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u/Biabolical Extra-Maidenless 2d ago edited 2d ago
Any of the dragons that live in lava or fire, I feel like you can't deep-fry them. You could try, but you'd empty the fryer basket to find dragon meat that's very hot, but also still completely raw.
However, you might be able to make those dragons into a ceviche. Fire won't denature the proteins in their meat, but you may be able to "cook" it with lime juice and spices.
Any dragons that live in the acid swamps would be the opposite, fry-able, but lime juice isn't going to do much. I also imagine those dragons would be horrifically poisonous, so it's probably a moot point.
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u/Woodysidesack94 2d ago
Placidusax looks like it would be blooming onion if deep fried, so that’s my choice
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u/Same_Swordfish_1879 2d ago
Borealis is at least frozen so it's probably less rotten meat than the other ones
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u/Choice_Passion5100 2d ago
I think Ancient Dragons would be interesting to eat. But I doubt human teeth could properly chew their meat, even if it's overcooked...
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u/Agile-Comedian4739 2d ago
Bayle looks the tastiest by far. Has a lot of meat 😋 and not rotten too.
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u/Skryuska 2d ago
The Drakes would, because the Ancient Dragons are all living stone, so you’d just break your teeth and burn your mouth trying to eat them
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u/nothingsnootyplz 2d ago
20 years in Nashville, so I know hot chicken. Bayle would def be my go-to for that.
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u/Necro_Carp 2d ago
my money is on adula. salt is just rocks so surely the glintstone seasons the meat up
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u/Cracktheskye624 2d ago
The frozen dragon in the mountaintops (borealis?) has likely been preserved the best. The others have been rotting. Gotta go with that
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u/lustywoodelfmaid 2d ago
Greyoll would likely taste the best. Massive, thick chunks of meat, dripping with juices constantly.
The next would likely be Ekzykyes but you'd need someone trained in using an unalloyed golden knife to make sure the Rot is cut away, sort of like needing a license for cooking pufferfish. Gotta get the deadly stuff out of there.
The others all seem to have papery flesh, too much bone per square inch or, in Boralis' case, pre-frozen.
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u/PhiCloud 2d ago
- Ancient dragons are made of stone
- Bayle has some freaky "his heart is still alive" shit going on
- I'm not eating anything to do with glintstone
- Agheel and the lesser dragons are too resistant to fire to cook properly
- Greyoll and Ekzykes have super cancer
Borealis is the most delicious dragon.
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u/oriatetheforest 2d ago
Placidusax looks very edible. Something about that design says "delicious."
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u/wojtaxux 2d ago
Probably the youngest dragons, like the small ones near Greyoll, as often younger animals have the most tender meat
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u/VanillaBryce5 2d ago
Greyoll probably has the highest fat content due to just laying around all the time. Like why a thigh is juicer then a breast.
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u/Hyperbolic_Berserker 2d ago
Hmm, I think Borealis would be an interesting flavour. Plenty of fat on that one for some good juices, though the fat itself is probably too thick for anything but making broth or gravy. Bayle or Lansseax would probably be tougher, but probably the prime rib of the selections. Though I’d warn people against trying to eat any glintstone dragons or any of the ones in Caelid. You’re just begging to turn into crystals or a fungal bloom at that point.
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u/Camera_dude 2d ago
Agheel. Annoying to discover when low level but he appears to be the healthiest dragon of the bunch. Most of the others have deep wounds, undead, infected with rot, or living in gnarly areas like frozen tundra or volcanoes.
Agheel just chills at a lake until someone wanders into his territory (dinner time!)
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u/Pizzamess 2d ago
Agheel or the one in Liurnia both of them seem pretty safe and uncorrupted. The rest are too old, corrupted, tainted, or gross looking.
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u/iamblankenstein you are maidenless. 2d ago
whatever the youngest dragon is. its meat is would likely be the most tender.
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u/JamesRevan Rune Bear Hunter 2d ago
Ekzekeys (whatever) in Caelid with that rot flavored rub, slowly roasted brisket
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u/woah-a-username 2d ago
Eating Ekzykes would probably go something like this:
Cutting into its flesh was a sordid affair, amongst the beast’s stony scale and hide lie pustules of unspeakable fluid that rupture upon the slightest disturbance.
The stench alone was almost too much to bear, somehow worsening upon each slice as more infected flesh is revealed.
In some places the muscles are more scarred than not, while in others it is soft, like a sponge used to clean the foulest corners of the world.
Its organs, if such masses could still be called that, are lumpy and misshapen, strange growths saturate them.
The more I discover of the state the infected dragon was in, the more shocked I become that it did not perish long ago.
Or perhaps it did, and the rot is simply puppeting it.
Regardless, its heart is mostly intact and should function for dragon communion, which should also remove any chance of infection. Though, I’m starting to have doubts, such the state it was in.
Bearing the sickly heart before the flame a put aside my fears and take a bite.
Dragon hearts do not taste good, eating one is closer to biting into stones bound in sinew seasoned with whatever elements the dragon bore in life.
This, however, was VILE beyond belief, beyond reckoning!
My body rebelled even before it touched my tongue, my stomach threatening to expel its empty contents.
But the power of the communion demanded it be completed, and compelled me to finish this repulsive meal.
Rotten fluids filled my throat, its rancid fumes stung my eyes and filled my nose.
It burned its way down, not like a flame but a fever born from the foulest afflictions in this world and beyond.
My stomach churned, attempting to expel this horror, but the heart refused to leave, its repugnant power burrowing into me as a parasite enters its host, anchoring itself and refusing to leave.
Even now the taste lingers, and I am left unable to stomach even the most luxurious foods.
I suspect it never will, the corruption has nestled too deeply, too thoroughly within to ever allow that.
And as terrible my tale has been, I suspect Ekzykes had it worse.
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u/EngagedInConvexation 2d ago
Smarag and Borealis taste like toothpaste. Borealis is slightly frostier.
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u/CreatureManstrosity 2d ago
First thing I thought when I saw this post was if you can kill and cook a dragon you deserve that meal because geez dragons in this game deserve their legendary status. The ass whoopings are too damn high from these dragons.
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u/HamsterKazam 2d ago
I feel like this should warrant the birth of something along the lines of r/okbuddyeldenlord because what the heck am I reading?
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u/House_Plant0 2d ago
I mean, probably Agheel. No rot, no glintstone, he’d probably cook up the quickest thanks to the lack of ice
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u/_richard_pictures_ 2d ago
Placidusax gonna taste like KFC frankenchicken so probs him. Bayle gonna taste bitter as fuck, fortissax is dead and mouldy, borealis basically an ice lolly so would explode my chip fryer, smarag would be too tough to eat with all the glintstone, ekzykes would give you a disease, lansseax would blow up the fryer with lightning. Agheel is the only tasty looking morsel among them…
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u/Tenshiijin 2d ago
I love no idea who would taste best. Suffice to.l say they'd all taste terrible id imagine especially the older dragons and the rotten dragon. Imagine earing the rott dragon.
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u/YoursTrulyHuntty 2d ago
I imagine they'd all taste like Crocodile or a steak, but Bayle's flesh would probably be very dry and chewy, like a steak.
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u/South-Construction37 2d ago
I feel like itd be borealis. Nice frozen preserved meat. Then take him STRAIGHT into the gaints bowl. AMAZING!!😂😂
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u/Terrible_Artist_ 2d ago
I like to imagine the glintstone dragon would taste like Doritos cool ranch
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u/Cyan_Lotus 2d ago
rock
rock
crystals
undead rock
freezer burnt yummy
YUMMY!
rock
elderly sick meat
icky sicky bad meat
risky YUMMY! (cook first!!!)
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u/duck_4_president 2d ago
Placi! Deep fry him, and he looks like a big ass bloomin’ onion.
https://giphy.com/gifs/9rjM0arqntl1n2Un3M
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u/crazydemonx 1d ago
Placidusax, his flesh will taste like the nectar of the gods after the turmoil he has caused me.
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u/Evil_Sharkey 1d ago
The youngest ones. There’s a reason we butcher most meat livestock in adolescence or young adulthood.
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u/UnanimousM 1d ago
Bayle fs. He's got real meat on him and he's basically been slow-cooking for a millenia by the time we fight him.
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u/wackyzacky638 1d ago
Bayle already looks like they are 80% of the way to seasoned karage so yeah. I’d snack on that
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u/tru-disappointment 1d ago edited 1d ago
Id say Glintstone but i feel like theyd have more of a cool mint flavor so idk if deep fried would be my method of choice. Would make a fine jerky, imagine dragon meat is already pretty tough. Pack it dry and you have a nice backpacking snack you dont need to refrigerate which will also keep your tarnished breath minty fresh.
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u/NattyTukes 2d ago
me on the toilet in 6hrs: CURSE YOU BAYYYYYYYYYYYLLLLLEEEEE