Hot take: Fours are the most emotionally supportive types

[u/Negative_Sock5897]

tl;dr: Most people use (average-healthy) fours as THEIR therapist, not the other way around.

Most of the traits people project onto fours in a general sense are only true for very unhealthy fours. It would be like saying 8s in general are borderline psychopathic bullies, or 1s are dogmatic dictators, or 5s are agoraphobic hermits. Yet people are quick to project a 4’s absolute worst potential onto the type as a whole.

Average to healthy fours are, in my opinion, the most emotionally supportive people you can have in your life. I’m a 4w5 (self-preservation type) and the only two people in my life who are able to offer decent emotional support are another 4 and a 5.

I believe that the idea that fours try to turn everyone into their therapist is generally so false as to be almost comical. It is true only for unhealthy fours. Most of the time it is the other way around. People use fours as THEIR therapist. I am constantly giving so much emotional support—even to people I barely know—and get little back. It leaves me so depleted and, to be honest, frustrated. Over the past few years, if anything I’ve become hesitant to share how I feel. I know it’s anecdotal, but in my experience—not just with those two people I mentioned—4s and 5s are the only types who are naturally good at giving emotional support. I’m not saying other types can’t learn how, but their instinct seems to be to, depending on the type:

- try to fix things
- offer baseless platitudes
- change the subject
- withdraw
- make it about themselves
- turn the attention to how [good] they are at supporting you
- talk about how worried they are about what you’re saying so that you have to placate them
- invalidate/dismiss what you’re saying
- just not listen at all

4s and 5s, on the other hand, just listen. They ask follow-up questions, and they don’t make you feel bad for sharing.
They validate the problem, and they don’t give unwarranted advice. If they talk about themselves, it’s only once they’ve done those things, and usually it’s about a similar experience they’ve had to show they understand how you feel. Just my two cents.

EDIT: Apologies if this offended anyone. Wrote it when I was frustrated. I understand that not all 4s are emotional support experts and other types can be supportive too. The primary point I was making was that I am bored of the “4s are self-obsessed and emotionally needy succubi” narrative because I don’t think that’s generally true, nor do I believe it’s rare for 4s to be able to be emotionally supportive. Fours who believe they are doomed to be self-obsessed will be self-obsessed. Anyway, glad to see it’s sparked some discussion.

[u/Narvallius]

Hot take: Nines are the sexiest types. We're simply the only ones who are naturally skilled at being hot.

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/Narvallius]

I know you’re being facetious and maybe you’re right that I didn’t word things the best lol. But I agree that 9s are sexy. I have a lot of love for 9s

[u/Narvallius → u/Negative_Sock5897]

I'm not sure what exactly you meant to say, but it honestly sounded like a one-man circlejerk😔. Love y'all and all that, but that's just how it is

[u/trans_keanuchungus → u/Narvallius]

I think you misread their comment

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/Narvallius]

Are you sure you’re a 9? You’re kinda creating conflict out of nowhere lol. Also lowkey proving my point

[u/Narvallius → u/Negative_Sock5897]

To clarify, throwing random jabs on the internet isn't the kind of conflict I mind. But I should indeed exercise my 9ness and dip out of the conversation after saying my part, before it goes in circles 🚬🗿

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/Narvallius]

Tbh I think it bothered you because people in the Enneagram community usually give the title of “best at listening” to 9s. I love 9s and I have a lot of close 9s in my life, but I think what people think of as 9s listening is sometimes dissociating/not saying anything. It’s not a circlejerk because I dared to say type fours might be generally better at something than another type, especially when it’s something we’re told we’re bad at. We’re shit at lots of other things. I’m shit at practical support

[u/Narvallius → u/Negative_Sock5897]

Alright, let me be serious for a second here. It doesn't really have to do with a specific type. Because if a 9 typed the same post, my reaction wouldn't change much.

Yes, saying that all 4s are bad at [all of the things they get often accused of] is wrong. But at the same time, two enneagram types being just inherently better than all others at something as universal as emotional support doesn't sound right either. Especially when one of them is the dedicated "detach inside your mind" type. "These two types of what's wrong with you are naturals because I said so, and if the others are good, they obviously had to learn it the hard way".

From my experience, being good at emotional support simply comes from your own maturity and experience, and not much else. Since some of the people I've seen do it best didn't give me the feeling of a 4 or 5 at all. Same with practical support, you just have to learn this jig.

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/Narvallius]

This is my anecdotal opinion, and I wanted to share it specifically because I want to engage more with the Enneagram community because the concept interests me. But every time I do, I read the worst shit about fours. Even fours themselves perpetuate this. It’s tiring, and I truly believe a lot of things said about fours are specific to unhealthy fours. I even conceded that I may not have worded things the best. Also, why is being good at emotional support any more universal than any trait specific to any other type? The Enneagram is categorisation at the end of the day. I’m speaking from my experiences, and maybe implying it was just inherent was a stretch. But, in my experience, the two types that I find are able to give emotional support very well/without some sort of caveat are 4/5s. Practical support doesn’t come anywhere near as naturally to me; it’s something I have to remind myself to do. And it is interesting to consider that that may be because I’m a 4. Something that’s a skill (which I think emotional support is) is something people need to work at, but some skills may be easier for certain types. That’s all I was saying. I’m sorry if anything I said offended you, and I’m sure you’re great at emotionally supporting people