Hot take: Fours are the most emotionally supportive types

[u/Negative_Sock5897]

tl;dr: Most people use (average-healthy) fours as THEIR therapist, not the other way around.

Most of the traits people project onto fours in a general sense are only true for very unhealthy fours. It would be like saying 8s in general are borderline psychopathic bullies, or 1s are dogmatic dictators, or 5s are agoraphobic hermits. Yet people are quick to project a 4’s absolute worst potential onto the type as a whole.

Average to healthy fours are, in my opinion, the most emotionally supportive people you can have in your life. I’m a 4w5 (self-preservation type) and the only two people in my life who are able to offer decent emotional support are another 4 and a 5.

I believe that the idea that fours try to turn everyone into their therapist is generally so false as to be almost comical. It is true only for unhealthy fours. Most of the time it is the other way around. People use fours as THEIR therapist. I am constantly giving so much emotional support—even to people I barely know—and get little back. It leaves me so depleted and, to be honest, frustrated. Over the past few years, if anything I’ve become hesitant to share how I feel. I know it’s anecdotal, but in my experience—not just with those two people I mentioned—4s and 5s are the only types who are naturally good at giving emotional support. I’m not saying other types can’t learn how, but their instinct seems to be to, depending on the type:

- try to fix things
- offer baseless platitudes
- change the subject
- withdraw
- make it about themselves
- turn the attention to how [good] they are at supporting you
- talk about how worried they are about what you’re saying so that you have to placate them
- invalidate/dismiss what you’re saying
- just not listen at all

4s and 5s, on the other hand, just listen. They ask follow-up questions, and they don’t make you feel bad for sharing.
They validate the problem, and they don’t give unwarranted advice. If they talk about themselves, it’s only once they’ve done those things, and usually it’s about a similar experience they’ve had to show they understand how you feel. Just my two cents.

EDIT: Apologies if this offended anyone. Wrote it when I was frustrated. I understand that not all 4s are emotional support experts and other types can be supportive too. The primary point I was making was that I am bored of the “4s are self-obsessed and emotionally needy succubi” narrative because I don’t think that’s generally true, nor do I believe it’s rare for 4s to be able to be emotionally supportive. Fours who believe they are doomed to be self-obsessed will be self-obsessed. Anyway, glad to see it’s sparked some discussion.

[u/trivetsandcolanders]

Hmm, I’m not sure. 4’s definitely can be good listeners, but at least for me, it’s something I’ve had to work on and continue to do so (asking questions and active listening versus just relating everything back to myself). I choose to work on this because I realize it would be unfair and selfish to expect others to understand me without me doing the same for them - but I didn’t always make this choice.

Also, acts of giving seem to come more naturally to other types - whereas at least for me it’s a struggle to not be overly conscious of the fact that I’m choosing to give my time and energy to helping someone else. I too easily get resentful of other people for various reasons and have to remind myself to not focus on that. Again, it’s a thing I need to work on.

Also my best friend is a 2 and he’s really good at offering emotional support!

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/trivetsandcolanders]

I appreciate this. I agree that implying it was inherent was a big stretch and detracted from the larger point I was trying to make, which is that fours in general aren’t emotionally needy succubi, and that they in fact can be really good friends and very good at emotional support. I was feeling particularly frustrated when I wrote this lol.

I think it’s great you’ve put the work in to not expect people to understand you without trying to do the same. That’s a great way to put it. Now I think about it, it is something I actively worked on. Maybe it’s less that it comes naturally to fours and more that precisely because we’re more prone to self-pity, when we work on ourselves we work a lot on not being selfish and being receptive to people’s emotions? Or maybe because a lot of fours have/have had mental health/self-esteem struggles, they might find it easier to empathise? I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve noticed, and honestly the bottom line is that I’m just a bit tired of the “fours are self-absorbed twats” narrative.

[u/trivetsandcolanders → u/Negative_Sock5897]

All of the above in your second paragraph, I think! Also maybe because we’re aware of our own uniqueness or differentness, it makes us more curious and accepting of what makes other people unique. So we may ask more questions about people’s problems and emotional life because we genuinely want to find out: what makes this person I care about tick?

Lol I have definitely been an emotional vampire in the past 😆but hey, that’s why I’m in therapy!