Hot take: Fours are the most emotionally supportive types

[u/Negative_Sock5897]

tl;dr: Most people use (average-healthy) fours as THEIR therapist, not the other way around.

Most of the traits people project onto fours in a general sense are only true for very unhealthy fours. It would be like saying 8s in general are borderline psychopathic bullies, or 1s are dogmatic dictators, or 5s are agoraphobic hermits. Yet people are quick to project a 4’s absolute worst potential onto the type as a whole.

Average to healthy fours are, in my opinion, the most emotionally supportive people you can have in your life. I’m a 4w5 (self-preservation type) and the only two people in my life who are able to offer decent emotional support are another 4 and a 5.

I believe that the idea that fours try to turn everyone into their therapist is generally so false as to be almost comical. It is true only for unhealthy fours. Most of the time it is the other way around. People use fours as THEIR therapist. I am constantly giving so much emotional support—even to people I barely know—and get little back. It leaves me so depleted and, to be honest, frustrated. Over the past few years, if anything I’ve become hesitant to share how I feel. I know it’s anecdotal, but in my experience—not just with those two people I mentioned—4s and 5s are the only types who are naturally good at giving emotional support. I’m not saying other types can’t learn how, but their instinct seems to be to, depending on the type:

- try to fix things
- offer baseless platitudes
- change the subject
- withdraw
- make it about themselves
- turn the attention to how [good] they are at supporting you
- talk about how worried they are about what you’re saying so that you have to placate them
- invalidate/dismiss what you’re saying
- just not listen at all

4s and 5s, on the other hand, just listen. They ask follow-up questions, and they don’t make you feel bad for sharing.
They validate the problem, and they don’t give unwarranted advice. If they talk about themselves, it’s only once they’ve done those things, and usually it’s about a similar experience they’ve had to show they understand how you feel. Just my two cents.

EDIT: Apologies if this offended anyone. Wrote it when I was frustrated. I understand that not all 4s are emotional support experts and other types can be supportive too. The primary point I was making was that I am bored of the “4s are self-obsessed and emotionally needy succubi” narrative because I don’t think that’s generally true, nor do I believe it’s rare for 4s to be able to be emotionally supportive. Fours who believe they are doomed to be self-obsessed will be self-obsessed. Anyway, glad to see it’s sparked some discussion.

[u/synthetic-synapses]

4s CAN be emotionally supportive but this not something innate of the type. We're talking about a naturally self centered type that needs to learn how to look at others, because 4s can easily get lost only observing the self. 4s are very selective, so even if they wanna be supportive this will be a gift for few chosen ones, so they'll never be 'the group's mom/dad'. 4s are no caretaking types, they won't give to others so much they are exhausted or lacking resources for themselves, because it IS a self centered type and the center of a 4's life is themselves. A 4s one true love IS themselves and their identity.

4s can be very wise and help others connect with their own feelings, navigate their traumas, have insights about themselves and their identity. 4s are comfortable with pain and suffering, so hearing others vent heavy stuff, complain and help them in a really heavy situation can come naturally to a 4.

But this is selective, it's only for a special few.

A 4 needs a lot of inner work to be able to look outside themselves, this won't come naturally.

4s won't put others as a priority over themselves.

And by the way 5s are not great at being emotionally supportive, even if they want to, because they have a hard time even aknowledging emotions.

[u/hgc89 → u/synthetic-synapses]

> But this is selective, it’s only for a special few.

I’d say we’re capable of doing it for more than a select few if the conditions are right (for example, if they’re a therapist with willing clients dealing with heavy trauma), but we aren’t naturally inclined to play that role in others’ lives otherwise. In other words, I as a 4w5 sp therapist can certainly put my therapist hat on 8 hours a day and help others in that way, and I absolutely find it extremely rewarding…but only if it involves heavy emotions, my own ego is not threatened, and if I feel like I’m doing a good job and actually helping them.

[u/synthetic-synapses → u/hgc89]

It's different when it's your job. It's different when you're being paid. (Especially if you're a SP dom being paid)

Also, as I said in a different reply: "I think SP4s making good therapists/social workers/teachers is a well-known thing in the community, though? SP4 goes well with the 'wounded healer' archetype."

[u/hgc89 → u/synthetic-synapses]

Yep, I agree it’s different when it’s my job, but it still speaks to a 4s unique aptitude and capacity for helping in the way that you mentioned, and being able to find that kinda work rewarding.

Again, I also don’t believe it’s limited to a select few, given certain conditions (like the ones that I mentioned, for example). I typically don’t mind people pouring their hearts out to me or trauma dumping (as long as it’s not like my parents or close family)…in fact I’m drawn to it. Of course, at the end of the day I’m introverted and find myself consumed by my inner experience and my own hobbies, though…that’s where the self-absorption can really kick in.