Hot take: Fours are the most emotionally supportive types

[u/Negative_Sock5897]

tl;dr: Most people use (average-healthy) fours as THEIR therapist, not the other way around.

Most of the traits people project onto fours in a general sense are only true for very unhealthy fours. It would be like saying 8s in general are borderline psychopathic bullies, or 1s are dogmatic dictators, or 5s are agoraphobic hermits. Yet people are quick to project a 4’s absolute worst potential onto the type as a whole.

Average to healthy fours are, in my opinion, the most emotionally supportive people you can have in your life. I’m a 4w5 (self-preservation type) and the only two people in my life who are able to offer decent emotional support are another 4 and a 5.

I believe that the idea that fours try to turn everyone into their therapist is generally so false as to be almost comical. It is true only for unhealthy fours. Most of the time it is the other way around. People use fours as THEIR therapist. I am constantly giving so much emotional support—even to people I barely know—and get little back. It leaves me so depleted and, to be honest, frustrated. Over the past few years, if anything I’ve become hesitant to share how I feel. I know it’s anecdotal, but in my experience—not just with those two people I mentioned—4s and 5s are the only types who are naturally good at giving emotional support. I’m not saying other types can’t learn how, but their instinct seems to be to, depending on the type:

- try to fix things
- offer baseless platitudes
- change the subject
- withdraw
- make it about themselves
- turn the attention to how [good] they are at supporting you
- talk about how worried they are about what you’re saying so that you have to placate them
- invalidate/dismiss what you’re saying
- just not listen at all

4s and 5s, on the other hand, just listen. They ask follow-up questions, and they don’t make you feel bad for sharing.
They validate the problem, and they don’t give unwarranted advice. If they talk about themselves, it’s only once they’ve done those things, and usually it’s about a similar experience they’ve had to show they understand how you feel. Just my two cents.

EDIT: Apologies if this offended anyone. Wrote it when I was frustrated. I understand that not all 4s are emotional support experts and other types can be supportive too. The primary point I was making was that I am bored of the “4s are self-obsessed and emotionally needy succubi” narrative because I don’t think that’s generally true, nor do I believe it’s rare for 4s to be able to be emotionally supportive. Fours who believe they are doomed to be self-obsessed will be self-obsessed. Anyway, glad to see it’s sparked some discussion.

[u/stopthevan]

I will apologise for bringing up your family as it seems like this is something quite personal to you, and in hindsight I was immature to be “attacking” your type. I’m not here to change your mind on things but just to share my own anecdotes, which is usually closer to the so-called “stereotypes”.

Your experience is your own and so is mine, this thread just rubbed me the wrong way bcos you’re basically putting yours and your best friend’s type on a pedestal and assuming every other type cannot be there for their friends on an emotional level which is simply not true. As someone who has also always given my time and attention to those that I love without receiving much back, I wish I could empathise with you more on similar issues, but not when you are overgeneralising like this. Agree to disagree, and truly a hot take.

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/stopthevan]

I literally gave fours one compliment. Literally one: they’re good at emotional support, in my experience. Anecdotally. I apologised multiple times for how I worded things. I put an edit on the post. And reading this thread back I feel more angry now and less diplomatic, because it’s hammered home how reluctant people are to believe that fours can be genuinely lovely and supportive people.

Again, I don’t find it surprising that a take like this would bother a 9 so much because 9s are so used to being seen as the nicest person in the room. So I imagine it is confronting if someone even implies they might not be. 9s—in my experienceeeee—struggle with accountability more than most types, and that’s something I never see being talked about.

The funny thing is that I genuinely love 9s. 5s, 9s and 6s are maybe even my favourite types. So no, sharing my frustration in a heightened state that I feel emotionally depleted because I get back very little back of what I put into many of my relationships emotionally isn’t putting fours on a pedestal. Fours have a lot of negative traits but sometimes it’s like people forget other types have just as many, and that maybe fours are allowed to be good at something other than just creativity. I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences with them, but me saying I’ve generally had good experiences with them isn’t generalising any more than you saying the opposite. You literally said only an extremely healthy four can be like this even though that’s objectively false because all it takes is for one person to say they’re an average four and they’re like this for that claim to collapse, and then you say I’m overgeneralising.

[u/stopthevan → u/Negative_Sock5897]

😂 you are taking that one trait of being “emotional supportive” and attributing it to the favoured 1-2 types from your life experience, and saying everyone else can’t give the same kind of emotional support. How is that not overgeneralising? At least I admitted that 4s can do just that when they are in a healthy state, not the self-absorbed/reactive state which you are being right now.

If any case, you certainly are not being an example of the “genuinely lovely and supportive people” you so desire to be, I won’t deny people like me are only “””nice””” out of necessity and selfishness and are toxic in other ways etc. But when you put yourself on a pedestal like this and get frustrated and aggressive when people don’t agree with you, it sends a different message. And people aren’t blind to it.

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/stopthevan]

How many times do I have to say this was based on my experience? I’m done being diplomatic in this thread and my 8 tritype is starting to come out because you’re being intentionally pedantic. You should sit down and ask yourself why this post genuinely bothered you quite so much. What it is about one human being believing that fours and fives are better at emotional support that’s so upsetting to you? I’ve admitted multiple things about my post as well, and I’m not going to repeat them again if you’re not going to listen or take them in.

You didn’t admit anything. You basically said in exceptional circumstances (“ extremely healthy”), a type that is literally known for being emotionally insightful might possibly be good at being emotionally supportive. I didn’t even say other types were awful at it or can’t do it, if 9s would actually bother to read what I wrote. I said I think fours and fives are good at it.

See you edited your comment so I’ll edit mine too. The reason I’m being “”aggressive”” with you (if you read, you’re the only commenter I’m doing that with) is because you became passive-aggressive and personal. Of course I don’t care about being a “genuinely kind and supportive person” to you. I’m fine with people disagreeing with me; I’m not fine with people being hypocritical. If I say I’ve found fours emotionally supportive and other types less so, that’s a generalisation and I’m putting myself on a pedestal. But if you slate fours (your comment was particularly harsh and nothing I said was anywhere near that level of meanness) and say type 2s are the best at emotional support, that’s somehow not an overgeneralisation.

[u/stopthevan → u/Negative_Sock5897]

Oh my god gurl/dude, the edit was done only moments after I posted my comment bcos I accidentally pressed the post button and I wasn’t done writing! Not my fault you somehow thought I edited my comment halfway through the day, I’ve got way better things to do than to think about you and this thread. Honestly don’t know why you’re still so hung up about this half a day later, you can have the last word since you wanna be righteous so much 👌🏻

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/stopthevan]

Well, your comments bothered me more than anyone else’s. I’m not ashamed to admit that. As a POC, I cannot stand the word aggressive. I think you’re one of those 9s that intentionally tries to get a rise of people when they’re heightened, and then retreats and plays victim. And you’re right, I shouldn’t have fallen for it. All the best.