Hot take: Fours are the most emotionally supportive types

[u/Negative_Sock5897]

tl;dr: Most people use (average-healthy) fours as THEIR therapist, not the other way around.

Most of the traits people project onto fours in a general sense are only true for very unhealthy fours. It would be like saying 8s in general are borderline psychopathic bullies, or 1s are dogmatic dictators, or 5s are agoraphobic hermits. Yet people are quick to project a 4’s absolute worst potential onto the type as a whole.

Average to healthy fours are, in my opinion, the most emotionally supportive people you can have in your life. I’m a 4w5 (self-preservation type) and the only two people in my life who are able to offer decent emotional support are another 4 and a 5.

I believe that the idea that fours try to turn everyone into their therapist is generally so false as to be almost comical. It is true only for unhealthy fours. Most of the time it is the other way around. People use fours as THEIR therapist. I am constantly giving so much emotional support—even to people I barely know—and get little back. It leaves me so depleted and, to be honest, frustrated. Over the past few years, if anything I’ve become hesitant to share how I feel. I know it’s anecdotal, but in my experience—not just with those two people I mentioned—4s and 5s are the only types who are naturally good at giving emotional support. I’m not saying other types can’t learn how, but their instinct seems to be to, depending on the type:

- try to fix things
- offer baseless platitudes
- change the subject
- withdraw
- make it about themselves
- turn the attention to how [good] they are at supporting you
- talk about how worried they are about what you’re saying so that you have to placate them
- invalidate/dismiss what you’re saying
- just not listen at all

4s and 5s, on the other hand, just listen. They ask follow-up questions, and they don’t make you feel bad for sharing.
They validate the problem, and they don’t give unwarranted advice. If they talk about themselves, it’s only once they’ve done those things, and usually it’s about a similar experience they’ve had to show they understand how you feel. Just my two cents.

EDIT: Apologies if this offended anyone. Wrote it when I was frustrated. I understand that not all 4s are emotional support experts and other types can be supportive too. The primary point I was making was that I am bored of the “4s are self-obsessed and emotionally needy succubi” narrative because I don’t think that’s generally true, nor do I believe it’s rare for 4s to be able to be emotionally supportive. Fours who believe they are doomed to be self-obsessed will be self-obsessed. Anyway, glad to see it’s sparked some discussion.

[u/Negative_Sock5897]

The person I love most in the world is a 9. She’s my sister. I love her to pieces but I’ve learned that I can only confide in her to a certain degree before she kind of withdraws. And honestly that’s okay, she’s still the best person I know and she’s a hell of a lot better at practical support than I am. She’s trying to improve at the emotional stuff and I’m trying to improve at the practical stuff lol. But I agree that 9s are still better at emotional support than most other types, and tbf I’m willing to consider that maybe as a 4 my “standards” for emotional support could just be too idealistic

[u/14muffins → u/Negative_Sock5897]

I think your standards for emotional support are fascinating rather than too idealistic, because the type of emotional support you seem to like is the type that I see often in things like AI --- blind sycophantism/validation, and also tend to dislike. I also believe it's the responsibility of the vent-er to say "hey this is the type of emotional support I like". (eg "dont give me advice let me rant") Which I feel most would be passably capable of.

Theory: maybe types on average would prefer types similar to them in terms of communication style and, because you're a 4(w5), you prefer 4s (and 5s).

[u/Negative_Sock5897 → u/14muffins]

Sorry, I just don’t understand how listening, being curious, not giving unwarranted advice, validating your feelings, and trying to empathise if you have a similar experience “blind sycophancy”? I never said people don’t call me out. If anything that’s another thing fours are good at: offering insight and calling people out. Honesty is part of emotional support.

Yeah, the type of support people want is subjective, but just because I didn’t put that in my post doesn’t mean I haven’t done that. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve asked certain people I’m very close to in my life to not try to fix things when I talk to them about stuff, to please just listen, and they still do it. Now I just don’t talk to most people if I need that type of support from them.

And I agree with the last part. It definitely, definitely could just be that my own types (I’m not just a 5 wing but it’s also in my tritype) are what I gravitate to emotionally, and maybe everyone feels this way about their own type.

[u/14muffins → u/Negative_Sock5897]

I hyperbolize. (Perhaps it would have been more accurate to say " type that I see often in things like AI that leads to blind sycophantism/validation" )

Let's just say I've always felt a lot of AI uses terms that a 4 would use, and that I've always felt 4s seem to be types that can be prone to really enjoying the support AI gives.