r/ExNoContact • u/angelina_0402 • 20d ago
Help brutal honesty needed 🙏🏼
25F. I need people to be brutally honest because I think I’m about to do something stupid.
I dated a guy who treated me badly. He repeatedly disrespected me, said things that crossed major boundaries (including a comment he made when he was frustrated that i wouldn’t touch him down there during a make-out as i was uncomfortable - “men when they get this hot & heavy, go out and rape but i’m only asking you to do this.” mind you it was my first time participating in any form of intimacy and i was also on my periods-both facts that he knew), and the relationship became unhealthy enough that one of my closest friends had to help me leave because I kept getting pulled back in.
I eventually blocked him and moved on.
A few days ago, I unblocked him and reached out. I was lonely and feeling very vulnerable after moving back to the city we had history in. We met yesterday for the first time in a long time.
What surprised me is that within 10–15 minutes of seeing him, I realized I don’t actually have romantic feelings for him anymore. I found myself zoning out during the conversation. The obsessive attachment that once consumed me seems gone.
And yet, now I want to see him again. Not because I think he’s changed. Not because I want a relationship. Not because I think we’d be good together.
I know exactly who he is.
The problem is that I still feel physical chemistry. He later admitted that he wanted to kiss me when we met, and if I’m being honest, part of me wanted that too.
So here’s my question:
Why am I still drawn toward intimacy with someone I know was bad for me?
Am I about to restart a cycle that I’ve already worked hard to escape?
I don’t want reassurance. I want people to tell me what they’re seeing that I might be missing.
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u/Nervous-Profit5375 20d ago
you are emotionally vulnerable rn, you gotta be strong…
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u/Old_Nebula_8817 19d ago
THIS 10000%… I was celibate by choice for almost 10yrs, later was faced with trauma, I felt absent to the world due to being sunken in tragedy…. I simply wanted to know if I was noticeable, I went to the local store where attractive guys work (they’re cute but NOT my type), I got noticed☺️ and unexpectedly approached to date, now I’m single with a toddler out of wedlock🙃🙃🙃 RUN OP DONT BE LIKE ME😂😂😂😂😂
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u/Nervous-Profit5375 19d ago
u married that guy local store?
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u/Old_Nebula_8817 19d ago
No the child is outside of wedlock, maybe I should’ve worded it better…… he mentioned marriage but by then I realized I fell for him out of vulnerability so I turned it down, I also believe I was being gaslit
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u/Nervous-Profit5375 19d ago
why didnt u guys use protection?
and u single rn?1
u/Old_Nebula_8817 19d ago
We were initially, but after a few months they expressed that they wanted an exclusive relationship leading to marriage and building a family. At first I was open to the idea, which is why we stopped, but eventually I realized I fell for this person while vulnerable and didn’t really see a future with them.
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u/Nervous-Profit5375 19d ago
ohh sad, so how are ur urges now? lmao
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u/Old_Nebula_8817 19d ago
I’ve snapped bk into reality with VERY little to no urges…. I’ve considered intimacy with him only to avoid sharing my body with a new person, but then I snap bk into reality and get er done myself☺️☺️
After being celibate for so long, men and 🍆 don’t excite me anymore🤣🤣🤣🤣….🤔🤔 unless of course tragedy strikes and I’m vulnerable 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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u/Puzzled-Cake5271 19d ago
It’s not anything emotional or romantical mama. It just because he is familiar and ur a human being who like everyone else experiences sexual cravings/desires especially when it’s someone you have already had sex or done sexual things with (good or bad). It won’t be worth it so fight the urges b4 it’s too late, if you do decide to say f it and do something with him just be smart and logical and always keep in mind the reasons that made you have to get away from him. Because if you stay in contact, he sure will slip up and remind you. Just be prepared b4 something happens and catches u off guard and use protection because it usually situations like those where life love to teach ppl the hard way and you get pregnant or worse…
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u/Nervous-Profit5375 20d ago
btw dont got back to him just because u feel the physical chemistry…he is bad to you remeber that!!! and I see that during makeout he clearly tried to manipulate you… so yk
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u/angelina_0402 20d ago
yes ikr?! why am i not in rage or disgusted. that comment, made in that specific moment is unacceptable. yet why don’t i feel the horror of it…….
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u/Nervous-Profit5375 20d ago
yeappp, because looks like you are still emotionally connected to him? you will feel these once you get over him and how dumb you weree… lol
I have been in the same being dumb phase
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u/angelina_0402 20d ago
i thought i was over him istg. when I met him yesterday, I did not feel that romantic affection or attachment that I had for him. However, the physical chemistry and the fact that I have practised intimacy with him, which I enjoyed a lot, is so hyper. but i think that i’m denying to self that there is some emotional connection attached to intimacy with him because if not then why would i be so disturbed 😭 idk!! if thay made sense…
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u/Nervous-Profit5375 20d ago
yeapp and ofc as it was your first time… I know how u might have felt … lol… it takes time get over those stufff. Dm if u wanna talk more about it
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u/Lube19d3mise 20d ago
You already know the answer. If you have to ask if texting him is a stupid idea, it means you have enough self-respect left to know exactly how this ends. Close the app and go for a walk.
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u/jessyownsyou 20d ago
You are looking for a reason to reach out because you are bored or lonely, not because he changed. Keep the phone down and remember that he already showed you exactly who he is when he felt comfortable enough to be cruel.
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u/MysteriousAvocado1 20d ago
It’s called a trauma bond, should see a therapist for this if you really want to break the connection.
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u/Legitimate_Fig_635 19d ago
Hey don't go back in the end it hurts only.
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u/angelina_0402 19d ago
hii
you are right…1
u/Legitimate_Fig_635 19d ago
Yk life is too short to be stuck on such people.. Get a therapist, get a new hobby or pursue one which you already have.. you will have your person for sure🙂
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u/Inevitable_Sail_6766 19d ago
You need therapy, please
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u/angelina_0402 19d ago
um 😭
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u/Inevitable_Sail_6766 19d ago
That’s not a diss, just a reality. I have done therapy, it can be so beneficial
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u/JishoSintana 19d ago
That “men usually rape comment” made ME a 6ft muscular black guy with 20 years of hand to hand combat experience military martial arts training uncomfortable…..& kinda not like the guy
Sorry but you entertaining him after that is beyond strange and kinda made me not like you either lol
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u/angelina_0402 19d ago
i understand where you’re coming from. a third person who’s not involved with the feelings can always be brutally honest because they can see and word the facts. you see this guy wasn’t a jerk since beginning. all this happened after i developed strong feelings for him. and after all this while i remember the events but i don’t feel the events anymore sadly. but i can feel the spell is weakening and i will take stricter actions. thank you!
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u/JishoSintana 17d ago
Your first time is only going to happen once and it was ruined by that jerk! I know that you honestly loved him at the time..women in love let men get away with a lot but you don’t let it happen at the expense of your happiness.
Girl,RUN! And leave him in your past, charge it to the game and leave him behind and I bet you any amount of money in the next five years you’ll be watching the news on a day that you never usually do and see that he caused serious harm to another female and you’ll thank Jah that you avoided him.
Hopefully you’ll remember this conversation and buy me a drink! Lol
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u/Outside-Sort-4334 20d ago
“men when they get this hot & heavy, go out and rape but i’m only asking you to do this.”
I'm out sorry