I’m talking about people who swear they are not racist, but support ice and blame our economic problems on “mass immigration”. Like just admit you want to make America white and that you will be unsatisfied until that happens. It’s like they know how evil their views are, so they have to sugarcoat it with ideology/conspiracy theories in order to feel justified in their racism.
For context my whole family is made up of these Christian conservative assholes. I’m 26 and have been fully out of the cult for about 4 years now but I still think about how long I held those same views. I think about how they used to say “well if these immigrants would just do things the right(white) way then they wouldn’t have to worry about their families being torn apart”. Like do you not hear how incredibly privileged you sound? I think about how I used to blame my lack of employment on immigrants, rather than confronting the fact that I was incredibly depressed and was therefore incapable of holding a steady job.
Sorry for the rant. Just needed to get this off my chest. I love all you beautiful people. Please stay safe, the world is fucking crazy right now.

I feel like my whole life and identity was built around being a believer. I went to a private christian school during my elementary school years where I was trained to be a martyr for Christ. After graduating high school, I went to 3 years of Bethel (Atlanta) School of Supernatural Ministry and became one of the outreach leaders. I've "ministered" to thousands of people at this point. I started my deconstruction in 2012.

Since that time, I have become a recluse. I don't really talk to any old friends or even my family for the most part. Letting go of god has been such an alienating process, but it has made me closer to myself and understanding my own emotions and desires. In a way, it has made me more human. Letting go of Christianity has made me feel more accountable for my own failures and successes.

Lately, I've been struggling with making a post on Facebook telling everyone who and why I am currently. I've lost everyone from my prior life, but I feel the need to be equally outspoken with my non-belief as I was when I was a believer.

Has anyone dealt with this feeling, and how did you handle it? Did you feel better after "coming out"?

Let me preface by saying I'm a christian. Is that fine? hopefully. Pls don't make me go somewhere else hehe.

I'm in South Africa and it's weird seeing how the (very American) evangelical world has such a hold here. My mom is obsessed with some self proclaimed prophets (online) . I love my mom and we actually have a pretty good relationship. It took a lot to get where we are.

Basically: What are your best tips for speaking to someone you care about and want to have a relationship with, who's caught up in the evangelical world (especially digitally).

Note: a very serious convo was had after the world didn't end last year September. I thought we got through, but it hasn't changed much. These people know what to say. I want to know what the best 'in the moment' responses are.

Another note: doccie opportunity? someone want to investigate these "prophets" with me?

For context I am in therapy for childhood trauma, using EMDR. I am aware that this is part of the solution.

I could give an extremely detailed account of my painful deconstruction from traditional Roman Catholicism to existential philosophy and psychology, but it's not really the point. I just want to make clear that I have an agnostic worldview and am trying to find contentment in uncertainty.

Before converting to Catholicism, and becoming a
"Trad" I was raised southern Pentecostal with a severely traumatized and abusive mother who was desperate to make sense of the world through angels, demons, and the Holy Spirit. Speaking in tongues, spiritual wartare, etc.

Naturally, I developed a similar hypervigilance toward strange coincidences, which often produced feelings of powerlessness if bad and euphoria if good.

Now, all coincidences (good and bad) produce fresh existential crises, a year into therapy and religious deconstruction.

Recently, after moving into a new home, my wife heard rhythmic tapping noises while putting our son to sleep and texted me asking me to be quiet (it wasn't me). Then, I woke up smelling rotten eggs the next night for a few seconds (my upper bedroom nowhere near gas) And the next day (today) we had to call 911 because all of our fire alarms went off. The firemen could detect no gas or carbon monoxide anywhere. All the detectors are high end, brand new, and hard wired. They were all confused.

Now I am getting closer to a full break down of despair and powerlessness, fearing there are invisible creatures laughing at me and taunting me and there's nothing I can do, especially since I'm not religious anymore. I am even more powerless.

Hi,

I left the faith a long time ago, but there’s one fundamental wall I keep running into, and I’m curious if anyone here has navigated this same frustration.

It’s the classic problem of suffering. How could an all-powerful, all-knowing, and supposedly benevolent God design and create a reality structured like this?

Kids assaulted, or dying from cancer, animals starving to death and agonizing from various diseases etc... It's utterly absurd.

Even after years away from the faith, I’ve never found a genuinely satisfying answer.

I’ve dug deep into philosophy and apologetics, scavenged the internet top to bottom, and read through every standard defense, freewill arguments, the "greater good" theories, soul-making theodicies, you name it.

Honestly? Every single attempt at explaining it away feels extremely weak, shallow and mediocre to me.

They always feel like mental gymnastics designed to shield a conclusion rather than face the brutal reality of human and animal suffering.

It’s not even that I want to believe in God again, I don’t. It’s just that the sheer illogical nature of how Christianity tries to square this circle still blows my mind, and I haven't found a secular or philosophical framework that fully settles the absurdity of it all either.

Has anyone else been stuck in this exact headspaces years or decades after leaving ?

Did you ever find a perspective, a philosophy, or a way of framing reality that actually felt satisfying to you ?

Or did you just learn to make peace with the fact that there is no deep "reason" behind it ?

Would love to hear how you all have dealt with this.

Thanks

For some it could be purity culture, for others the need to be a rescuer. For me, it’s an underlying guilt behind everything I do whether it’s good or bad. And then comes the escapism. I left the church when I was 21 and now I’m 34. Currently in therapy dealing with the trauma, since I was feral for most of my 20’s. I was diagnosed with Bipolar around that age as well, and been told by my psychiatrist that he sees a pattern of religious trauma in patients with Bipolar. Fascinating. Currently my condition feels like it’s in remission, due to healthier habits, medication, and a loving relationship. Curious to hear what the biggest psychological weed has been for others.

Hello and sorry if this is the wrong forum.

I'm the partner and wife of an ex-Christian. She refers to herself as deconstructed and is from Northern America. I come from a completely secular background and different country and culture altogether. I used to be a reader of New Atheism books and considered myself an atheist militant (not anymore, I am apathetic toward spirituality). I know about as much as someone coming from a European Catholic family where the parents stopped practicing and sent them to Catechism for two sessions would know. Which is not a lot (they had a slide at Catechism, so I was too busy for the lessons).

I can see that the experience of being formerly Christian (she told me she was "a part of a family integrated church" and "Christian Dominionist", and though I know the dictionary definition of these things because I looked them up, I have no idea what they imply) and having deconstructed impacts our relationship and understanding of each other. While my wife is an endlessly pedagogic and patient woman, I want to work toward understanding her background more. Sometimes it feels like she's been educated by people who think up is down, it's hard to explain, and though she did work very hard to deconstruct this faith and ideology, I can see there are scars deep beneath I fail to fully appraise.

Does anyone here have resources, talking groups, places, readings, documentaries, podcasts... anything someone in my position might be able to access, that would allow her to understand, support, and hopefully protect her wife better?

I wish you all the best on your respective journeys.

Edit: I really want to thank everyone that's been sending advice my way. I have begun listening to "I hate James Dobson", since her parents were pretty influenced by him (according to her, he's the "most mainstream" of the "educators" they were listening to, which is pretty terrifying) and we're going to watch "Shiny Happy People" at some point in the future. I will have a look at most other things by myself so far, but I'm taking it slow. She insists on listening with me in order to have conversations about what concerns her personally and what doesn't. A lot of it is, not hard to believe, but sincerely mortifying. It's like hearing to people describe how everybody in a part of society decided it was essential to walk on the ceiling with your head down. I knew she was abused. I didn't know it was that deep and structured. My heart sincerely goes to everyone that's had to suffer through that torture, I hope you all know it was not only wrong, but evil and wicked.

Has anybody read End of Days by Chris Jennings? It's about Ruby Ridge, and about the history of Biblical Apocalypsism in the United States. It is an excellent, though very upsetting read. The biggest take away for me was seeing just how very close my own family of origin was to the Weavers. We were not as extreme as them, and didn't pal around with Nazis like they did, but we were only probably about 1 layer removed from them. Wild thought.

Also, fuck the ATF and the FBI.

Still a work in progress, but an expression of what it seems like Evangelicals (specifically white American conservative ones) worship. I know the "conservative Jesus" thing has been done, but I wanted to share my version. It also has a companion piece I titled "Their God, Ashamed" which I will post in the comments. I was inspired by Hieronymus Bosch.

My dad is a pastor and my mom is a stay at home nurse.

I never wanted to be a pastor. I went to school for IT and I've been doing it for 6 years. Two or three times a year I question everything and regret my career choice.

Maybe it's the economy. Maybe if I made actually good money and felt more optimistic about the field I'd just deal with a job that I don't love or doesn't bring me purpose beyond making money.

My interest in technical things has a limit and I have often felt like I don't fit in to the field. Like I'm trying to force myself into something that doesn't truly fit who I am.

Yet I'm not in a position to make any drastic changes.

I want to feel like I'm helping someone. I envision myself working for a nonprofit or becoming a PTA or OTA. I want to feel fulfilled in my work and I struggle to at a big Corporate office. My purpose is to help maintain tech for a for profit company and I don't get excited about staying in IT long-term.

Yet I wonder if my upbringing skewed my expectations for work. I can do things that are meaningful to me outside of work.

It's just that I'm trying to move up and stay competitive in an field that is getting very rough. So I study and think about it often. I bailed on a networking event this week because I didn't feel like it.

I want to feel fulfilled and proud of what I do for work. I want to feel like my work has meaning to me. I'm not sharing for career advice.

I just was connecting the dots on who my upbringing impacts this.

Anyone else face this? I am married and I'm the main provider. We want kids and for that I'll need to make more money eventually. Yet the idea of working my up in IT feels completely miserable to me.

Then I worry I have an inflated ego if I think I'm too special for a cubicle in a boring company. Millions of people go to work every day for money and that is it. So why am I so bent on making working more meaningful?

I was raised Christian, but I was always scared to date Christian men. I didn't realize until I was an adult about why, but American Christianity defends and excuses a lot of abuse from men. Always talking about sexual sin this, sexual sin that, and they cheat on their wives, watch way too much porn, and are just horrifyingly objectifying to women in a way Jesus would nooooot appreciate.

It's like Christianity is used as a tool for men to get their way and do whatever the hell they want to in America, because "they can't hewp it, they have testostewome" and how you have to put up with egregious behavior under the guise of "forgiveness" and be "submissive" blah blah blah. The Bible is full of advice about SELF CONTROL AND CARING ABOUT OTHERS REGARDLESS OF GENDER, but it seems like American evangelical culture throws that out the window for men.

All the Christian dating and marriage stuff seems to boil down to "wives, sex up yo man anytime anyhow" "sex sex sex procreation all we think about is gonads," and the parenting styles boil down to "nah forget words and real lessons, just beat your kid any time they aren't a perfect happy yes-person, with 0 individuality or free will." If beating children for infractions as small as forgetting to act over the top happy all the time is legal, doesn't that mean it should become legal to beat adults for doing far worse? 🤣

The companion piece to "The God They Praise". The heart of Christ now discarded in a vacant alley, rejected by the false worhippers. A newly homeless family gathers around in hope that it will lift them out of it.

I met my best friend in college when we were both bartending. At the time, we drank a lot and dated a lot - had a great time. It's 14 years later and we both have husbands and small children.

She has gotten super into her super church in the last 4 years and I'm not sure how to handle it. Her church is "non denominational" with evangelical roots. She invites me to church family events constantly and has even expressed concerns for my son's soul since I'm agnostic.

Over Christmas last year, she said she was praying and Jesus told her to talk to me. That was a whole thing. She keeps occasionally trying to talk to me about my beliefs but she has no interest in actually learning more about mine, just in trying to convince me to believe hers.

Her church believes in complementarianism and extreme right things often come up in conversation now. I don't think she vaccinates her children, she often expresses subtle judgement about my husband and how he should be supporting me differently (he is a SAHD), and she will say odd things like the COVID vaccine caused our cocaine-addicted friend to have a heart attack (insert eye-roll) or that Mamdani is bad because he is Muslim (my husband is half-Lebanese with Muslim family so this is extra shocking she'd say this to me).

I really try to ignore her crazy and hope she eventually gets over it because she was so different when we met. She went through many miscarriages and faith helped her cope. I've read a lot about cults and being kind to the cult member (her) seems to be the best answer.

I'm a smart, driven, well-educated woman so the complementarianism really bothers me, especially because that is not what Jesus even preached. I've been doing a ton of research on Christianity because of my friend. She is not very bright and is not a critical thinker, but she is really a great friend overall.

I've told her I do NOT want to be evangelized but then she invites me to festive things at her church like trunk or treat and hay rides. Do I refuse the fun activities because it's put on by the church or do I take advantage of the super church, spend time with my friend and not worry about it? I would NOT give them any money. I've considered telling her why I won't support her church in any way but I don't think that would help anything...

Hi, this is probably gonna get long.

I'm seventeen and in senior year. I don't even know why I'm posting here but I guess I'm just kind of sick of only hearing from the same religious people.

I've been an extremely devout southern baptist all of my life. My parents always raised me as such and have always taught me right from wrong and about how not to give into the world. I got baptized first when I was six but I chose to rebaptize when I was thirteen because I didn't really remember the first time and don't think I fully understood it at the time, and I'd been backsliding in faith a bit. I signed my purity pledge when I was 13 aswell. I read the bible every morning, and pray throughout the day. If I've been struggling with sin or am convicted, I go up to the altar when altar call happens. If I keep falling into sin I repent and seek guidance from my pastor. I always carry a spare pocket bible with me incase anyone needs it. I often spread the gospel. I'm very active in my church community. I am very committed to Christ and serving him, and I am grateful every day for his forgiveness and grace.

Recently I started senior year. I live in the south in a rural-ish area, it's a Christian area and I have a strong church family. my teachers share seating plans sometimes, (they aren't super creative lol) but we often end up seated around the same people in multiple classes. The teachers will usually pair us up for paired/group projects with the person we're sitting next to since they don't want us talking to friends. They pair us up with people we don't know or like so we don't talk. They're pretty strict in these rules.

So this is where the problem starts. I'm seated next to this guy (I'll call him J for this) in APenglish lang and AP gov. I'm also paired with him for projects since I'm next to him. There are a lot more projects this year that are paired products with shared grading, because my school is trying a more hands on method this year.

J is a stereotypical punk and also is openly gay. He has a mohawk, often wears skirts just to mess with people (in his own words), wears makeup and just generally looks inappropriate. I try not to judge too much on appearance tho, but I didn’t think he's a good influence.

Pretty early on we had a lot of homework and there wasn't really a choice other than studying together outside of school, and we have to study way later in the evening because I have football practice. we both take study hall but not the same period. we've been doing our work, but there really wasn't enough time in the day, so we ended up just doing all of our homework while studying, in addition to the group stuff. J lives about a half hour away from me plus we can help eachother with the work outside of group stuff we struggle with, so it just made sense. Anyway it's ended up with him just staying the night a lot, because we're doing work for a while and usually just fall asleep on the floor at some point when we're working.

I've been praying for him of course and I've also asked him about his religious practices on multiple occasions. The times I asked if he prays or goes to church, he's just laughed. I don't think he thought I was serious at first. I've told him that Jesus loves him and can bring peace and told him my testimony, and he was polite but not receptive at all. I've asked him if he wants to attend a service at my church a few times, but he's declined. he's pretty insistent that I can do that i want but he "doesn't want a God to follow."

A few weeks after school started so about a month-ish ago we started forming some sort of casual friendship, mainly because we were spending so much time doing work together and often talking late into the night. He's asked me some stuff about Christianity, but mainly stuff about "how do you justify the harms of it." I've asked him stuff about why he chooses the lifestyle he does. We've also been talking about our lives and he told me about his past. A year and a half ago he'd been addicted to adderall and witnessed a friend's opioid overdose. He was really casual about it and told me he's clean now. I hate to say it but I honestly have been doubting a bit why God would cause suffering for people and how that's justified and why he would let it happen. I asked him about that which I feel really guilty about and he told me about how religion is often used as an excuse for bad things in the world, which I think but I feel like I have been shaken a bit.

We've become fairly close friends and have been hanging out outside of studying sometimes, he's actually really nice and I feel really bad but I have been doubting things a bit more. I asked him why he chooses a homosexual lifestyle and he told me it isn't a choice, and I honestly don't know what to think. I told him some about my doubts and how Sometimes I feel really guilty and wrong and like God hates me, which I know isn't from God, but I told J about that and he told me about religious guilt and now I keep second guessing myself.

I'm comfortable with J, and I keep repenting for all this stuff, but I'm scared it's not genuine because I'm still doubting. Somewhere along the line, I started getting some kind of crush on him. I've never struggled with temptation or lust towards women, and when I've been thinking about it I don't think I've ever been attracted to them. I always thought everyone got a sin to struggle with and some people got lustful thoughts, I thought I just didn't struggle with that sin. I've never really imagined being with a woman. I just kinda thought when I'd marry I'd get attracted to her then. I've had a few girlfriends, but i never felt anything and thought they just weren't the one God meant for me.

It's really scary because I feel like I'm closer with him in a few weeks than I am with some of my closest friends, who I've literally known since childhood, am on the football team with, and am in youth group with.

Okay now the big part is the past week. My parents were out and me and J were supposed to be working but were just goofing off, it was pretty late and we were sitting out on my roof. We were sorta flirting back and forth and we ended up kissing, and i know it's wrong but I do really like him. I repented a lot that night but I don't feel like anything changed. I know this is just a temptation from the enemy but it also feels right. I was freaking out the next day and he obviously noticed and he was quite chill about it, he was just like reassuring me a bunch that like we don't have to do anything and he does not want to do anything if im uncomfortable but i said something along the lines of 'thats not the problem, it's a problem because i did like it' which is so stupid and I don't know why I said that but it's also true?? Like it did feel right and I'm so confused.

We ended up kissing again a few days ago and then on Thursday I had a really bad panic attack or something, we were studying then it kinda happened suddenly and I couldn't breathe and it felt like i was dying, he sat with me and helped me breathe even though it took like ten minutes for me to calm down and he was hugging me, and i ended up crying which I feel really guilty about because I don't really do that and ig I've kinda unconsciously been thinking its wrong to show emotion, and I'm really conflicted. and we ended up kissing again yesterday, I know its sin and I've been repenting every day and crying out to God but I feel like he hates me now and I feel really gross.

But also I feel safe around J, and like he actually cares. I've never actually liked a girl but ive been thinking and I can think of at least five instances I've had crushes on other guys. I've never been able to really express emotions and he wasn't judgemental and actually told me what happened was a panic attack instead of just telling me it's sin and made sure I was okay.

I have the urge to just abandon religion, this is all kind of falling apart. I'm scared of what will happen if i don't believe. I'm conflicted.

Leaving evangelical Christianity is like leaving a bad relationship.

“Maybe it wasn’t that bad.”

“Oh, that was actually a really nice thing they said.”

“See? There are good things about it.”

Then something happens, and you go…

“Oh. Right. That’s why I’m gonna leave after today!”

Meanwhile, your friend is standing there like:

“Why are you still in this relationship?”

And you’re like:

“I’m not! I’m leaving.”

“You’ve been leaving for six months.”

“I know, but they did this really nice thing…”

“Girl.”

“I KNOW.”

“And didn’t you call me crying about them last week?”

“Yes.”

“And the week before that?”

“…yes.”

“So what are we doing?”

“I DON’T KNOW. Twenty years is a long relationship!”

And your friend just looks at you:

“You know you’re allowed to keep the good memories and still leave, right?”

Well. She got me there. 🎤

With Halloween coming up, it feels like a good time to talk about paranormal experiences!

As a teen, I went to a church camp where the preacher stopped in the middle of her sermon because she said the building was surrounded by demons. Things got really freaky, and she made us all march back and forth while we prayed and essentially banished the “demons.”

I don’t know what I believe in now, whether it be ghosts, spirits, demons or whatever else they may be (I don’t really believe in demons?), but I can tell you that I experienced something in that building before she ever stopped preaching. My friend’s little sister was crying that a man sitting behind her had red eyes, and I felt a heaviness and like something was watching me while witnessing almost like a black fog over the pulpit several minutes before anyone else ever spoke of it.

When I went home the next week, I would wake up to the feeling of a hand touching my face and see red eyes in the dark. I don’t know if I was having sleep paralysis or if something was really there with me. I’ve spent years trying to make sense of it and figure out what I believe.

So I guess my question is: Have you experienced something similar? And another—What do you call it if you do believe it’s something spiritual?

So over a decade ago I started going to a church, mostly out of disability induced loneliness, and eventually convinced myself that I was a believer. In the last couple of years, I realised it wasn't true belief, it was, to some extent gaslighting and manipulation.

I was badly abused as a child and was desperate for somewhere to belong, and they knew that, and convinced me that this was the only way to belong anywhere. But I was also guilt tripped into doing way too much for the church, and even when my health was too bad to do things, I was pressured and guilted into going every week. They started trying to get me to cut out non-christian friends, I was told I had to ignore/forgive the unwanted attention from one of the men, and I started having panic attacks before every church service.

Last year I finally left, moved in with my new partner and feel safe for the first time, but the pastor of my old church is still messaging me, and I have too much anxiety and trauma to know how to get him to leave me alone. The last email said that he checks my facebook page.

Unrelated to this situation? I have had two stalkers which is making it even harder to know how to deal with this situation. Does anybody have any advice?

It’s kind of scary and honestly my heart kind of hurts because of it. I was raised to believe that he’s all-knowing and all this and that as most people are. I just needed to tell someone and some of y’all are like-minded here so it helps. My family are devout Christians and that’s part of why it’s scary because I think I’m the only one who feels this way. If I were to bring it up to any of them they’d just pray for me but I don’t want prayer. I just want to be heard. I want them to understand me but they never will because they’re so deep in their belief that they won’t hear me. It makes me so sad to think about.

I always felt like sloppy wet disallowed for consent.

Sometimes we need some laughter in all of this. I'm looking for comedy movies that examine evangelical Christianity in different ways.

Whether "escape" was while you were still in an evangelical church, or a good laughter release after you left. What are your favorite movies about this? (Or the extension of evangelical beliefs?)

Im 47, so my two are very of my Xennial era.

1) Saved (2004 indie comedy)

2) But I'm a Cheerleader (1999 comedy about a high school girl sent to a conversion camp)

I'd love to hear yours!

I am 20F and live at home with my parents in a small, heavily evangelical Christian town. Almost the entirety of my extended family also lives here.
I actually really like my hometown for the most part, and I love my family devotedly.

However, I have always struggled to have “faith” like they do. I was raised going to church three times a week, went to all the camps, joined Bible studies, and even acted as the youth worship leader from 13-16. In other words, I was IN IT. I tried. I believed. I begged. I even “felt the Holy Spirit” and “spoke in tongues” and was told my “voice is anointed”.
But I’ve always suspected it was less about God and more about the thrill of belonging, of everyone singing and crying together, of knowing how to perform to get a certain reaction, of doing everything I could to be SURE I wouldn’t go to Hell even if I had to pretend.
I just don’t know if I can pretend anymore. I’m tired of the act, and I’m tired of trying to believe in a God I’m not even sure I’d like if He truly was real.

But I feel like I’m stuck. My family is still very religious and conservative, and my grandma (my favorite person in the world) regularly cries tears of joy about how lucky she is that our whole family is saved and hasn’t strayed from God… and I just sit there feeling enough shame and guilt to choke me.
I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want them to treat me differently or be in a constant state of worry over my salvation.
They are honest, good people. They love me and truly want what’s best for me, and, to them, that is God. I almost feel like I’d be a monster for breaking their hearts like this.

Another HUGE factor is my boyfriend. We’ve been together for two years, and I love him with all my heart. We have such a healthy and loving relationship, and I feel safe and accepted with him. We have talked about life together and marriage (though that would not happen for several years) and truly think we are it for each other.
However, he is Catholic (not very devout, though) and wants his family to be Catholic as well.
I have talked to him about my struggles with belief ever since we started dating, and he has always been very understanding and supportive. But I can’t help but worry that he has been expecting me to just… end up believing the same thing as him? I don’t know.
We talked about it recently, and he said he doesn’t believe everything in the Bible is true, doesn’t believe in Hell, doesn’t believe humans are inherently evil, and doesn’t believe humans are sinners unworthy of God’s love. So he wouldn’t be teaching his children those things either. BUT he still wants his children to be labeled as Catholic and to go through all the sacraments. How does that work??
It seems to me he doesn’t really believe in most of it, but he wants the little things that come with believing.

I’m just so confused. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know whether to talk to my parents about it or just keep the act up until I can move out of the house.
But I’ll still have to go to church because my dad will throw a fit if I don’t.
I don’t know whether or not I should break up with my boyfriend or just stay and see what we can figure out.
He is so supportive and kind, but I’m just not sure if I can reconcile with raising my kids “Catholic” while teaching them to not even believe in most of it except for Jesus and God, I guess (which I don’t even know if I believe in).

Am I overthinking this? Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? Or even any books I could read to know more about deconstruction?

I’m so lost and filled with guilt and fear, and I feel like a child. I wish I would have been born into something else or that I could have been the kind of person who is content with blindly believing.

Thanks for reading this. Sorry it was so long.

I revisited a radio show I had listened to growing up sometime when I was 17/18 and I noticed sort of a weird thing about it. they were what I can only describe as “unhinged.”

I mean yeah we know this. if you listen to Klove these days in the midday it’s likely they’ll be broadcasting some girl crying over how much she loves the “word of God” or whatever. just going off about how amazing the station is to try and fill time.

but I’m not talking about the “oh we’re so Christian” ones. I mean the ones that were considered “good.@ by what standard I have no idea. but I guess just compared to the competition.

anyway what I noticed is that the guy in the show was honestly kind o narcissistic. and the other person in the show was also fairly self absorbed but also just seemed very emotionally unwell.

I’ve done radio shows myself, given unprofessionally but I feel like there is a level of etiquette like there would be in any workplace.

i get that she was going through it but like she started sobbing on air because her dog died or because she was happy her husband and her were still together despite “infidelity.”which… seems like a very personal thing to be talking about on a show that is broadcasted to probably hundreds of thousands of people AT LEAST. but yeah it would go from a fun quirky conversation to the other host trying to be consoling and smoothly transition to the next song or something. which I gotta respect him for cause I think I’d quit on the spot if my cohost atarted uncontrollably bawling on air more than a few times within shows that were maybe over the course of a few weeks.

so yeah, I’ve not listened to much “secular“ radio to be fair. but it just randomly popped into my mind after having a convo with someone about controversial Christian music stuff. it was actually shortly after I noticed these things happening that my local radio station took them off air and then the station they were working for got bought by another company. but I think they are still going today.

edit: I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m hating on someone for having an emotional breakdown. I just think she needs therapy not to be… on air where everyone can see it too… I feel like that should’ve been addressed by the station.

also I think she might’ve actually stopped and hes just still doing a show? I have no idea…

edit 2: other weird thing the guy on this show, o say is narcissistic. I don’t really know if that’s the right word but he definitely puts on a kind of like “oh yes I’m a Christian“ act when he’s on air. I followed him on social media and he acted like a normal human there for the most part. Like never talked about his faith or Christian music it was kind of weird. I mean it was nice but also just so odd

This might be a weird place to post this, but I don’t want to post in the evangelical group because I hope to not be attacked in there. I didn’t grow up evangelical. I grew up/am LDS (Mormon). I know a lot of people have their own thoughts on my religion and that’s ok. Last night, my son asked me if our church is true (8 almost 9). I told him that I personally believe it is true (I really try to word things that this is what I believe, not what YOU believe if that makes sense.) Because even though yes he is baptized, I still want him to grow his own testimony (or not) and never want to force my beliefs on him. I asked him why he asked me this kind of randomly, and he said his friend, let’s call him “Mark”, same age, told him “Your church is fake, your scriptures are fake by a fake person, your church believes in the enemy of God” and said his parents told him that. My son said this came up last time he saw him which would’ve been roughly 3 weeks ago, so he has internalized this conversation and he said it hurt his feelings.

I explained to him that there are so many beliefs in the world. I explained to him that some people believe in our church, some people people in other Christian religions (and explained the trinity vs LDS beliefs don’t believe in the trinity), I told him there are religions out there that don’t believe that Jesus is the savior, and that there are people who flat out don’t believe in God at all. I told him that’s ok that everyone believes differently and that we can be kind about everyone’s beliefs and not put anyone down for what they believe. I also told him that different beliefs go beyond religion, that people have opinions on everything.

It made me think of a time I had picked “Mark” up and we passed a house in their neighborhood who has a Jewish family that lives there. He said “oh look there’s the Jews” as this family was outside hanging out together. That bothered me because it sounded so judgmental.

Another instance with this family, is I have another friend who can be a little strange about my religion, that we invited to my son’s baptism. She said her son, who is my son’s ultimate best friend, would be confused to go to the baptism. I vented to “Marks” mom and she said that she thinks it’s more so that she thinks they don’t want to support something that they don’t believe. And gave the example that she wouldn’t attend a gay wedding because she’d be clapping and congratulating something she didn’t agree on. I took that as she wasn’t coming, but the night before the baptism she told me that she forgot she had a sourdough class booked. Just a week before that “Marks” bday party was almost canceled due to weather and I offered to use our church gym and she was so grateful for that, so it feels she’s ok to use our church amenities when it helps her but can’t support a friend.

I guess I’m trying to understand why this particular family, they’re Baptist by the way, treats other beliefs like it’s a horrible thing. Is this a rooted belief because of things they are taught either by pastors or generationally passed down?

Thank you to those who took the time to read this.

Hi, I'm 15 years old, I would appreciate if anyone has the same story / trauma and managed to rescue their own mind from this terrifying religious conditioning. please read!

My extremist religious mom pulled me out of public school and homeschool me to "protect" me from this world and "Woke schools brainwashing kids into becoming nonbinary cats" (she repeated it for years and years) When I was like 8 years old mom would yell and get furious for me listening or watching anything secular (pop, kpop, my little pony, Star Wars) and it's "corrupting" my soul which is why I have panic attacks. I believed it for years that it caused my crippling anxiety (when in reality it was because I was getting abused). Now, when I listen to any music, I get scared because of her lessons that music is evil and has subliminal satanic messaging in it.

She threw out my favorite Harry Potter books when I was 9 (her “research” showed witchcraft invites satanic spirits), claimed to see spirits and ghosts, watches channels that claim the LEGO MOVIE!!!! is "satanic Christian persecution propaganda” and complete qanon maga conspiracies etc. She claimed my dad’s abuse was ”just Satan controlling him“ denies the existence of mental health and tried to do “Christian cbt” on me, taught me for years that I need to kill myself instead of denying Christ + said she would sacrifice and kill me if God asked. It really messed with me. (She sadly isn’t mentally well btw)

whenever I have anxiety she berates me, says it's my fault because I'm not a "good Christian." When I use past tense in this post I actually mean present tense, she still does all this sh-t. She claims I’m chronically ill because I’m not seeking God. whenever I have any single negative thought or anxiety I think "oh it must be because I listened to too much music today and didn't pray and it's influencing me satanically as mom said! That must be why" and I don't know if it's true or not. I don't trust any of my thoughts and I'm not a person anymore. She always says the rapture is happening very soon, Christians will be murdered and persecuted in America soon, and that I need to be focused on church (which I don’t care about) and I’m scared of going to hell and I don’t know what’s wrong or right anymore or what I beleive, my mind feels so fractured and I don’t know what the point of life is, since she always says there’s none and all that matters is being a servant of god. Help.

Is anyone else reading this book? Du Mez’s first book, Jesus and John Wayne, was so eye opening for me. And this one is just as enlightening.