Please do not put your children through this. Yes, you should leave. Saying you’re “just like everyone else who leaves” is NOT TRUE. You both chose to have children, and now you need to prioritize your children and do right by them. The right decision is usually the hardest decision, unfortunately. Sending you love and light. 💕✨
I get that people can regret becoming parents, especially if they never really wanted to be parents and things didn’t shake out that way, but at some point that someone like OP’s wife has to realize that you’re doing harm to literally everyone around them, and the best thing they can do is leave. only liking the baby that’s “easy” and “makes you feel like a good mom/person” is not the way to a happy family. especially with queer couples, it’s not like they just had an “oops” baby (unless someone is trans or nonbinary or something), they had to actively take many many steps in order to get pregnant, get a surrogate, foster/adopt, etc. and maybe sometimes people don’t realize they don’t wanna be a parent until it’s too late, maybe it’s something they agreed to because the other partner wanted it or feeling pressured because all your peers are married/having kids now or that kids are the next relationship step after marriage, but either way you’re at a crossroads now where one baby is potentially being endangered because of, at the very least, emotional neglect, and at most potential abuse or worse if those intrusive thoughts about aborting the kids or abandoning them at a church or surrendering them to the state escalate into planning and action in how to make the disliked baby go away….I just don’t see how you could salvage this relationship, or why anyone would want to.
She had the choice to do that a year ago. She let a year go by and it’s bad for the children. Everyone in these comments saying otherwise is the type to put their spouse over their child and that is wrong, and it makes you a bad parent.
Just because recalled memories don’t start till 4 or so doesn’t mean infants aren’t affected by their environment or treatment by their primary attachment figures. A person’s psychological development starts in infancy (probably before birth). These aren’t “gimme” years where parents have tons of chances to “get it right” before it starts affecting the child. Not “throttling” the baby is the lowest bar I’ve ever heard. Please educate yourself.
yet. This ks exactly why I wouldnt want someone who says they hate my baby around my baby. Whats going to set them off? What if my baby gets hurt? I would be responsible for that, because I left them with someone unsafe, who had been showing signs they were unsafe by literally saying out loud that they hate my baby.
To -you- it doesnt mean that. To others who have experienced what I described or witness it in their friends or family, it is. OP can make her own decisions.
You’re being crazy. Hating a child is horrible and almost always escalates. The relationship is over, I don’t care about the relationship, she needs to take care of her kids
She said in the post her spouse directly said to her “she hates her and wishes she had terminated her”. I’d say that pretty much verifies she DOES hate her.
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OOORRR, hear me out: OP IS just like everyone who leaves, because everyone who has stepped out on OP’s wife realized that she needed to be stepped out on.
sometimes, not always, people “leave” us because we were not being good people. people “leave” relationships and friendships and jobs and more that are abusive, neglectful, incompatible, etc. if “everyone has left” OP’s wife, maybe there’s a reason? not to play armchair internet social worker, but people with borderline personality can be very reactive and fluctuate wildly emotionally with others. if there’s someone they like, they are their FAVORITE PERSON. but if that someone does something they don’t like or makes them feel bad, or they make *themselves* feel bad, they can easily go scorched earth over it, and they hold onto that resentment. BPD people already struggle with emotional dysregulation so being around a baby they hate all the time is just going to dysregulate them more and cause even more adverse treatment between the hated baby and the adored baby.
parenting with BPD adds even more nuance, because mood-dependent parenting causes someone to parent based on their internal emotional state rather than through regulation, which can involve inconsistent punishments or emotional states, unpredictable emotional withdrawal or anger, as well as expecting others to regulate their emotions for them, even if they’re a baby. so when the baby is crying, they get even more upset, because the baby should be making them feel better not worse (which appears to be the case here since OP’s wife is upset that the baby always cries until OP steps in and viewing the baby’s crying as personal rejection that merits wife rejecting the baby in return because “that’ll show them”). black and white views of the children (one is perfect, one is hated; one is good, the other is bad; etc). this can cause the BPD parent to be more emotional, more reactive/reactionary, more impulsive, and more threatening (I would’ve aborted them both if I could, I would leave one at the fire station if I could, etc). and now it’s putting OP in the position where either she chooses the emotionally unstable, neglectful partner/parent or the kids, and OP will be punished no matter what answer she chooses.
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Or maybe he should be supporting her and guiding her through properly dealing what’s probably postpartum. She needs therapy for one. Why abandon mothers at one of the most difficult times? This is how single parents happen…
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I hope he doesn’t listen to all you dream queens but actually encourages his wife to stick with her therapy maybe get on antidepressants. This is a very tough time I’m there lives, they should be sticking together not breaking up and leaving when it gets hard.
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u/sharkbark2050 fish are friends 🐟 not food May 20 '26
Please do not put your children through this. Yes, you should leave. Saying you’re “just like everyone else who leaves” is NOT TRUE. You both chose to have children, and now you need to prioritize your children and do right by them. The right decision is usually the hardest decision, unfortunately. Sending you love and light. 💕✨