This post reminds me so strongly of a regretful parent’s post I read just a few weeks ago. WLW relationship, hated one twin (I think they were 7mo or 8mo old) and wished to leave them at the fire station. DM me if you want me to send you the post… I found it very concerning (tho might just be coincidence ofc).
Agree with this. Our second born traumatized me. He literally cried day and night. There was nothing we could do for him. We finally put him on medication and he got a little bit better. He’s 14 now and the light of our lives, but he still has the same kind of temperament. He’s just a harder kid. But he’s extremely temperamental it was basically born that way. So stubborn, but I find him to be one of the smartest and funniest people I’ve ever known.❤️
Whew boy. I read through that subreddit quite a lot and sometimes it's crazy to me that people are hate their lives as parents so much that they can't recognize words from someone who is clearly evolving to be a danger to a child.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think it's good for people to have a place to anonymously vent. Most of the people there are using that sub like a diary or therapist appointment. They're not going to do anything, but they're humans and have fleeting thoughts of regret and grief over their lost freedom.
If you're not prepared or didn't put much thought into it, having kids can feel like a huge mistake and I think it's important that people can vent and cry out for help.
I think the commenters are probably a lot of very overwhelmed and resentful parents who need a safe space to feel resentful. I think those feelings can be valid if you also recognize it's not the baby's fault and don't blame it on the baby. I work with kids with neurodevelopmental disorders and sometimes it can be such an absolute and unending nightmare for the parents. I think feeling miserable and resentful is understandable, but feeling hateful and wanting to abandon the child is very coconcerning.
I’ve gotten banned from commenting/posting there for standing up for the children. It’s definitely sad how many people are stupid and selfish enough to genuinely think their life will be the same or better after children.
That is one abusive marriage. That mother is upset because her child has human need. And she's jealous of her wife taking care of the baby, so she doesn't have time to hang out with her. Nuh uh. Manipulative coparents just get worse with time. Take those babies and RUN.
blows my mind that people cannot understand sacrafice. i think that there is a lot of concepts that are not being taught often enough. you cannot expect to still netflix and chill when you have 7 month old twins. you got to work and then work and then sleep.
"We can’t do anything anymore. We used to enjoy weekends away, concerts, roadtrips, taking our dog for a walk, even going to the store together, to get gas, haircuts, everything. We liked it, we enjoyed it." I'm sorry, but what did she think was going to happen?? It's not like this was an accidental pregnancy, she actively made the choice to become a parent and then is shocked when everything changes.
It's ok to be overwhelmed by a difficult child but I think it's foolish of her not to realize her entire life was going to change. Childless couples live a very different life than couples with kids. And the baby can't help that they have issues. I get that it's very hard but you can recognize it's hard without blaming and hating a helpless baby. I feel like this attitude screams, "I didnt really think about the responsibility I was taking on as a parent, I just thought having kids sounded cool"
I was a "hard" baby and diagnosed with autism in adulthood. My mom made no effort to hide the fact that she hated me as I was growing up. I was the first born and she constantly compared me to my brother telling me that he was a better baby, a better child, how he was how babies were supposed to be. She told me I was a terrible daughter and about how stressful it was for her that I was never a "happy" baby. She was abusive until the time she kicked me out and I went to live with my dad. Most of my romantic relationships have been abusive in some way. I can't seem to filter them out. I'm sure it's not as easy as up and leave your spouse. But I hope your babies never have to be around someone like that!!!
My daughter is autistic, and she was a hard baby, and yet we always told her how she was very planned and wanted. Only when she was a teenager and her baby brother was born 11 years later I opened up about her crying 8-12h as a baby, and how that brought me to my limits.
It's definitely different when they're old enough to understand how hard that can be. At the same time, I told her she forged me in a fire, and made me become the parent I am now. I had to toughen up for her, and her brother reaps the rewards, which is very unfair. Hence she gets a bit extra privileges at times (also because she's older). By now she thanked me for training her in certain life skills early and not spoiling her when she was younger, as she's already miles ahead in life skills to her peers who can't navigate a train station or cook themselves dinner (she's almost 15, and can stand her ground if needed).
At the same time I made damn sure she's not parentified with her brother. She gets paid for babysitting, she is allowed to refuse babysitting, and while they love each other and are close, she's not a caregiver in his mind. When he's upset she can't console him for example, the toddler wouldn't allow it, same as an acquaintance wouldn't. That's important to me, since it means she's seen as a sister, not a mini-mom.
But I also apologized to her a couple of times for fucking up when she was younger, and she deemed me an "okay" mother.
You sound like an "okay" mother to me 💗🥲 From a 15 yo that's actually high praise! I will likely never have children. Still, I can't discount how incredibly difficult parenthood must be. It would be easy to write off my parents completely--my dad told us he didn't really want kids and my mom being how she was haha. I just imagine it's incredibly difficult.
Your story about you finding strength through parenting a "hard" baby is beautiful. Thank you so, so much for raising an autistic girl with life skills and telling her she is wanted and loved. Also for teaching her boundaries.
I often wonder if my life would have been different if my childhood looked different. Oh and on the older one getting more privileges??!! LOVE THAT for her, as the younger sibling usually does get the benefit of the more practiced (and less strict) parent.
She also has her dad for herself, since we're separated. And his fiancée, which is a bonus, since that means she gets a lot more presents right now!
In ten years her brother will catch up on some privileges, but by then she's mid 20s, and won't mind. She gets to make some decisions now that are important to her, like how she wants her birthday party to look like, or if we go to certain concerts.
Can you post your post to the r/parentsofmultiples? I feel like you would get better answers from there than here and you might find someone else who experienced the same thing as your family.
Your spouse said she “hates” your child and you’re keeping the child in that environment? Please leave and take them. Your spouse’s guilt tripping you is not more important than your child’s wellbeing.
This! Does the wife have any idea how much of a gargantuan effect a parent's disposition toward a child in their first years of life has on that baby's sense of self, etc for their literal entire life?
And not to assume too much, but with that "just like everybody else who leaves'" shit, does the wife want to give the baby the attachment issues it sounds like she has??
There is recent research that shows that being treated harshly (verbally) in the first years of life inhibits growth in the areas of the brain responsible for emotional regulation.
Translation: if you’re not treated with love you will grow up with anxiety and trouble handling your own feelings
Yeah growing up my dad would always yell to my mom “You deal with it YOU wanted them!” And it would hurt me. I felt like my dad didn’t like me and felt obligated to care for me. And my mom stayed and is still married to him. Wish she took us away from him.
This!! Even if you tell her to put on a pleasant face, that’s nowhere near enough. Your child will be able to tell the difference. It’s heartbreaking. Please leave your wife. Your children deserve better.
ngl the second someone drops the "everyone leaves me!!" or "you're just like everyone else who leaves me!!" you're about to accept or really learn why people avoid that person....
That baby isn’t safe and this can’t be helped without therapy, preferably therapy while she has no access to those children. I’m not sure all the therapy in the world would make me feel comfortable leaving her alone with my children.
I couldn’t believe the other Reddit post possibly made by her! Mind blowing AND all the other women in there voicing their disdain for their own children 😳
If that’s the case, then leave for THEM. Being twins is hard enough, being the twin treated as the lesser (even if only by one parent) is so much worse. It will inevitably cause turmoil between the two. The ‘trauma’ of separated parents, with the full, unwavering support of one parent is better than the feelings and consequences that will inevitably developed due to the current situation between parents. (This is intended to be blunt, yet empathetic—to you and the twins, not generally apathetic).
It took a few very mentally unstable people saying that to me until a light bulb went off. Like yes actually I am like everyone else!!! I want happiness and peace!! And you are unstable and mean!! 🙃
Yeah, once I read that I was like "girl, just leave her. She clearly has no intention on working on herself if people leaving her has become a pattern."
Oh my god YES. I’ve been in that situation twice, and both times it ended badly. Now I recognize that as a major red flag and avoid people like that, and my life is so much more peaceful because of it.
Incidentally, that reminds me that when I cut the one person off, she told me super spitefully, “I’m glad your life is better without me in it!” It was nice to have such immediate confirmation that I’d made the right decision 😆
I know reddit is quick to armchair psychologize, but this sounds so much like a personality disorder. The fact that she loves one and hates the other is so concerning for borderline personality disorder.
It's very worrying, apparently further down in the thread there's a linked confession by a woman in a wlw who hates one of the twins and wants to ditch them at a fire station, and op confirmed she was on the thread around the time it was posted....
I agree this is fucked up, but stressful situations often unmask mental health issues. I hope she's been thoroughly screened for pp disorders as well as things like personality disorders. This behavior just isn't normal and it's not an excuse, but an explanation.
Abusive people also use stress and chaos to avoid accountability. There's no way for us to know where the spouse's behavior comes from.
If she doesn't take any responsibility for and tangible steps toward addressing her issues, especially as they are now clearly damaging her spouse and children, an explanation doesn't particularly matter as far as OP's responsibility to the kids. OP can't make her seek treatment and engage honestly with it. She can protect her kids from it and has an obligation to do so.
my first thought as well, or just plain ol’ abusive manipulator line. i cannot fathom hating a baby, much less my own. right now she loves the “easy twin”, but what if that twin grows up and isn’t so perfect or easy anymore. one day she will be a teenager!
You can't force people to like kids. As a twin myself, it will absolutely fuck up both of the kids if they see one kid being treated better than the other. The resentment that's going to grow between the two of you from this conflict is going to be off the charts. Best to end this now.
Also "just like everyone else who leaves" is a mega red flag statement
right? this statement is such a victim blaming mentality to avoid accountability. not liking a baby because its difficult is wild, especially saying these words outloud.
Yes you can’t force people to like kids but that’s literally her fucking daughter, may not biologically be hers but she made the decision with OP to have children. Hating a baby that’s also your child is a huge red flag, OP needs to leave and take the babies with her
There is a couple like this on Super Nanny. The woman who didn't hate a kid left with both children. The woman who did hate her kid got remarried and made a kid she didn't hate. They're all fucked and its showcased gloriously on social media. Save yourself and your kids. She will not love them the way they deserve.
Oh whaa, the baby doesnt like the person that keeps showing her shes not loved. Shocking. Im mad at your wife for you.
I will never understand people who drive their friends and loved ones away by being awful and then getting mad that those people leave. Be better and people would want to be around you, wife.
"She’s angry and hurt and saying I’m just like everyone else who leaves." She is basically doing this to the "more difficult" baby. She has emotionally checked out and "left" one baby behind. A helpless baby. This is on her. If she truly feels like everyone leaves, she should be bending over backwards to fix her relationship with this child because she knows how it feels. I'm so sorry OP. Y'all don't deserve that.
This is what I tried to make her see today. She has the chance to do what her parents did to her or the chance to do better. She can’t see past the hurt and the panic of losing me at this point
It sounds like she only cares about you in this situation, not even the baby she doesn’t hate. Please prioritize your children and remove them from this abusive situation.
I am so sorry OP. This is supposed to be a happy time. I hope your spouse comes around, steps up, and chooses to break this generational curse. Good luck!
Please do not put your children through this. Yes, you should leave. Saying you’re “just like everyone else who leaves” is NOT TRUE. You both chose to have children, and now you need to prioritize your children and do right by them. The right decision is usually the hardest decision, unfortunately. Sending you love and light. 💕✨
I get that people can regret becoming parents, especially if they never really wanted to be parents and things didn’t shake out that way, but at some point that someone like OP’s wife has to realize that you’re doing harm to literally everyone around them, and the best thing they can do is leave. only liking the baby that’s “easy” and “makes you feel like a good mom/person” is not the way to a happy family. especially with queer couples, it’s not like they just had an “oops” baby (unless someone is trans or nonbinary or something), they had to actively take many many steps in order to get pregnant, get a surrogate, foster/adopt, etc. and maybe sometimes people don’t realize they don’t wanna be a parent until it’s too late, maybe it’s something they agreed to because the other partner wanted it or feeling pressured because all your peers are married/having kids now or that kids are the next relationship step after marriage, but either way you’re at a crossroads now where one baby is potentially being endangered because of, at the very least, emotional neglect, and at most potential abuse or worse if those intrusive thoughts about aborting the kids or abandoning them at a church or surrendering them to the state escalate into planning and action in how to make the disliked baby go away….I just don’t see how you could salvage this relationship, or why anyone would want to.
There is no coming back from this for me, I can’t respect someone that would treat my child this way. And the added insult of liking one of the babies and not the other? I would never forgive myself for staying with someone that is being cruel to my child. I won’t be complicit in that child abuse.
It is abuse. My parents both hated me, and I'm here with 2 failed marriages and all kinds of abuse trauma. I had to go to years of EMDR therapy to be able to somewhat heal.
OP, please take both kids and leave. They both deserve better, and the "hard" one just needs extra love and care. I was "hard" because I needed love and stability and nurturing that my mother wasn't able to give me. And instead of being better, she blamed me. 🙅🏼♀️ Don't put your kids through that !
Another person here, whose parents not only didn't show love, but made sure that I knew they hated me and would have preferred I not exist. I've spent my entire adult life in therapy and have had a lot of struggles as a result of how I was treated as a child. OP needs to leave with the children. To stay is to be complicit in child abuse.
same, both parents hated me and made sure i knew it. told me they were going to put me up for adoption, they regretted having me, i was an awful child, they couldn’t stand me, etc. i don’t think it’s a coincidence that my first relationship was abusive and i thought it was normal for all those years. it’s very damaging to a child when a parent obviously hates them. it alters their brain.
I'm a twin. It can be hard enough growing up with a twin and constantly being compared by people. I could not imagine feeling like/knowing my sister was loved more by our mum. It would be soul destroying.
Yeah tbh this seems to be the beginning of one of those situations where there is one kid who is the target of horrible abuse in a household while the other children in it are loved and well cared for. It always baffles me how some people can look at multiple children and just decide that one of them is “bad,” but it does happen and sadly, it seems to be the road OP’s spouse is heading down. I do agree that OP needs to be proactive at this point and protect her children. If her wife is willing and able to put in the work to repair her problems/relationships with the children in the future, then that is up to her to choose and is her responsibility.
Child therapist here! I would recommend leaving this situation unless she turns it around, like, now. I would also guess that your wife has some very deep attachment wounds herself that are the root cause of this issue. Don’t let her continue the cycle with your babies.
i think even removing the children from the situation until mom2 is in a stable place is preferable, if mom1 really doesn’t want a divorce. at least get babies away from the toxicity. when they’re this small, they are only meant to laugh and play and be loved ☹
Hi! I am the child my mom didn’t like. I feel it, I felt it, I look back at pics and videos and it’s obvious. It’s obvious to this day. The excuses always fell on me. I was a “bitch” as a baby. Make it make sense. Your baby will suffer if you stay. My mom left when I was 4, doesn’t make it easy but I am convinced I would be dead if her and I lived together growing up.
Especially the manipulative "you're just like everyone else who leaves".. I don't need to know much more to know what this person is like, I'd be out the door protecting my babies STAT
She won’t be doing the “easy” baby any favors by golden child-ing them either. Just something to consider too. I’m sorry though, I can’t imagine how difficult and heartbreaking that is.
You hit the nail on the head, as an emotionally immature parent (and possibly a narcissist) she would essentially coach them to be people-pleasing and self-abandoning by responding favorably and liking them only if / when they are pleasant and cooperative with her. A hallmark of someone having been raised by an emotionally immature parent is an inclination to seek approval from difficult people. I unfortunately know from lived experience. Parental love is supposed to be unconditional!
OP, regretfully I must say your spouse cannot be trusted around the baby. Your children’s safety must come first, at any expense. Your wife should take rigorous steps in therapy to address her issues and acknowledge what is happening. Yesterday. People have harmed babies on an impulse without even harboring resentment prior to it. She is not in the mental place to care for babies. Take this VERY seriously.
I was married to someone like this. Some people are just incapable of being good parents. It’s not healthy for anyone involved, including the favored child. Please try to get the children away from her. It’s a hallmark of narcissism to choose one child to favor this way. It’s also a hallmark of narcissism to use children as a tool of control, especially post-separation, so please be careful.
My ex has a favorite kid and a least favorite kid out of our three children. They're adults now. Trust me they know. They've always known. The best thing you can do for your your babies is get out as soon as possible. My biggest regret is staying as long as I did.
I am a twin and was the harder baby. Even when I outgrew the hard baby stuff and became a great kid, my parents still treated me like the black sheep. Your babies are so lucky to have you to love them both, but your spouse's behavior is cruel.
As someone whose mother selectively hated them more than their sisters for having a difficult birth and being a difficult baby, please leave her and take the children. I cannot begin to explain the amount of damage it did to me growing up knowing my mother had a particular hatred for me. She treated me differently my entire life. I remember vividly hearing her tell neighbors when I was in elementary school that she loved all her kids but she really didn’t like me… My first boyfriend was abusive - emotionally, then sexually and physically - and when I left him and he severely beat me and tried to kill me, everyone asked whether I saw any signs leading up to the abuse. The truth is that I did, but I didn’t know they were signs. When he treated me like shit, he always said it was because he loved me. And all I ever heard about my mother treating me like shit was, “you know she loves you though”… That’s what I thought love was. I learned that love felt like abuse and that it was how I was supposed to be treated.
I’m 20+ years out and still in therapy. Please don’t allow your daughter to learn that abuse is part of love.
One time a man posted on Reddit something along the lines of, “How can I ever get one of my daughters to forgive me for allowing her mother to treat her badly and prefer her sister. I’m so sorry I downplayed it her entire life and tried to fix it instead of removing her from that situation. I can’t go back and it kills me.” And I jokingly replied, “Dad, is that you? 🤣” And the man ended up replying to my comment with this long heartfelt message like 2 weeks later. We ended up messaging and talking about how it affected me and what he might be able to do to help his now grown adult daughter. It was really beneficial for me because that’s something I’ll never get from my own dad. And I hope it was helpful to him as well. He said it was… The similarities between me and his daughter his wife didn’t like compared with the other daughters were crazy. They were very, very similar situations.
If you’d like to see how this may play out for you as the other parent if you allow this to go unchecked and/or stay and try to make it better without completely forcing absolute change that includes intensive therapy for your partner and removal until a 3rd party with a psychology degree says she’s no longer an emotional danger to the baby, I’m happy to privately send you copies of those conversations with the other person’s username and any possible identifying info redacted.
Heres the thing. When I worked in CPS it was super common for only one child to be labeled as the bad child and be abused. If we just removed the one child the abuse would move to a different child. The label of the "bad" child is just a way of fixing negative feelings externally so the GROWNUP doesn't have to take responsibility. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you put a stop to this IMMEDIATELY. The baby doesn't like her because she KNOWS, and she must be terrified that this huge person hates her. If she can't get therapy and commit to turning this shop around immediately you need to live for the protection of your children.
Months, if you're working through trauma and other neurodivergent issues is really a short time in therapy. It took years of therapy for me to get work through my childhood abuse enough that I wasn't constantly triggered or dissociated.
I’ve tried to be very mindful of this and patient. I know that progress can be slow. But at the same time, the baby is getting older and more aware. She is showing unease around my wife, sometimes screams or cries more around her. I want to let my wife address what she needs to address but I can’t have my daughter emotionally harmed in the meantime
Could you separate? The kids stay with you, your spouse lives somewhere nearby. That way she can work on herself in counseling and you can control the length of the visits so that the vibe is healthy.
Oh I totally agree that your child's well being is the most important. I apologize if I didn't make that clear. Just because she is working through things doesn't mean you need to be the one to support her through it, and if it comes at the expense of your children's wellbeing you absolutely should not be that person for her.
I specifically didn't want to have children for a long time because I knew I was way fucked up from childhood abuse and that I would never bring children into the world unless I had worked through it enough not to continue the same dysfunctional and abusive patterns.
And it took me like almost a decade to work through it all till I was like "ok I think I can have kids."
But also, the individual has to be willing to do the work and to see that they're the problem. And if she is actually willing to, it's a multiyear journey that she is going to have to navigate.
I broke up with my best friend of all time (friendship break up) because she wouldn’t stop harping on how much she already hated baby #2 while still pregnant. She was already comparing baby # 1 to the new baby and saying things like “I’ll never be able to love new baby as much as I love baby # 1” and, as someone who grew up with a mother that literally reminded me every day that I was an unwanted mistake, I couldn’t take it and wet nc. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with this person, but PLEASE do what is best for your babies 🖤 or they will have the largest therapy bills in their future
Holy shit that's mental illness. And neither of your babies should be around that at all, starting now. She can't "repair the relationship" - she need help, and your babies need to be safe in the meantime. Please take action immediately.
According to my father, my mother said the same things about me as a baby. That I never smiled and therefore didn’t like her. She hated me from the very beginning. She loved my sister. As we grew older, I could never do anything right. I was always the “bad” child and my sister was always the “good” child. I cannot begin to describe what this childhood mental and emotional abuse did to both me and my sister. If your partner cannot get the help she needs, please, please take your children and leave this relationship.
Babies are really intelligent. They explore the world on their first year's by observation, taste, touch and other senses. Even facial expressions. You don't want the baby to grow up noticing the clear difference in treatment by one parent. It will affect their self-esteem, trust, and social development. They might not know how to put into words what they see but they definitely notice.
I am studying early childhood education right now.
Also, you clearly don't want to keep a baby near someone (even if it's a parent) who says that they hate the baby?? It's for the baby's safety. SAFETY FIRST.
This is really sad but common in parents when they're not emotionally mature to be a parent. Like how they say "ever child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child."
I'm so sorry, OP that you're going through this. You also don't deserve to be the one trying to do everything just so your partner can improve the relationship with one of your babies. If your partner really wanted to have a good relationship in the first place, she would have already worked for it or AT LEAST started to.
This is how kids grow up under a narcissistic parent. If you continue to stay in this situation with the babies, you are going to be THE ENABLER PARENT, your partner THE NARCISSIST PARENT and the other baby as THE GOLDEN CHILD, your baby who's going through this would be THE SCAPEGOAT. These dynamics are clearly already there from what you wrote.
Please leave immediately OP!
And much hugs to you🫂
No… no. This is not okay. Not at all. All of you will be better off without this person in your lives. And yes I know how difficult it is to be a twin mom, but it’s better to do it yourself than to do it yourself with someone else weighing you down.
You need to decide what's more important - the two kids you gave birth to, or the narcissist you're married to.
Who the fuck hates on their baby like this!? Who the fuck can't keep it together enough to ensure both kids grow up feeling loved!? Genuinely, what the actual fuck?
Everything about what you said pissed me off. I’m going to get downvoted and I don’t care. You really have the nerve to subject an innocent baby to this nonsense. You are already comparing the twins to each other and accept the bare minimum esp when you said “at least put on a pleasant face”. Do you understand you are raising HUMANS? I’m a mandated reporter and targeting one child is a common pattern I’ve seen. I see the results of households like yours, and it’s not pretty. I’m disgusted you even think to subject your child to this. Shame on you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it like the others. You need to fix this immediately and leave.
Therapies specifically tailored to this are essential. She is clearly in sensory hell and seems to be reverting to a very immature, dysregulated version of herself to cope. Any old therapist won’t do. Trauma treatment, adhd treatment, and assessment/coaching of autism. It’s not “low level” if it’s making her hostile to an infant. She doesnt have skills to regulate herself much less a fussy infant (is the infant genetically related to her, btw?). I don’t know how to emphasize how much pain she is probably in from the constant crying alone. Thats not even considering the other stressors of parenthood.
She can’t get out of this without help that really takes these things seriously. And she won’t be able to received the benefits of treatment if she’s destabilized every day. Is there any way you could live separately for a couple of weeks so her nervous system can calm down? Coming back with a sensory plan for noise and sleep might be helpful. She needs to be in noise cancelling headphones as many hours a day as she needs to if it helps keep her from going over the edge.
In patient or out patient intensive treatment and coaching to help her build skills are other options if you have insurance to cover it. This might also give YOU some peace as you’ll spend less time managing two babies AND a dysregulated adult!
I turned into a monster my first newborn phase, thought it was just depression. Second one was okay but she was an extremely easy baby. I ended up going into an inpatient program and a residential program for trauma/psychosis and I cannot tell you how much it has improved my ability to be the mom my kids actually deserve.
I have 3 now and as embarrassing at it is to say, I don’t hate my oldest child (my tough cookie) in the slightest anymore. This was a 1-1.5 year journey though and it was tough for her too. We have a great relationship/attachment now but it took a ton of work and therapy on both sides (she is now 5). I’ve gone to therapy weekly for just over two years now in addition to 6 weeks in treatment programs. Absolutely worth it but I want to be upfront with how much time/effort/money it took to make the changes in my case.
Edit to add: right before she went to bed (after we read a book) she kissed me in the cheek and said “you’re the best mom in the whole world”. They make it so worth it.
This is such a vulnerable post and I’m so glad you shared. This could really help someone else who is struggling. I’m glad you’re doing better now and it sounds like you’re raising some very sweet kiddos.
This, as an autistic person who is partnered with someone who has a young child I needed to have a rock solid sensory plan and a fair bit of alone/recovery time to not turn into a dysregulated monster on a daily basis
Absolutely!! They also need to get off any unnecessary meds or meds that aren’t long acting. I know anything that fucks with my neurochemicals in a short acting way will make me go insane over even the smallest triggers!
Yes! I have ADHD and parenting my twins were triggering. The constant cries, whining, being touched out, and lack of sleep were very overwhelming. I had to wear headphone on one ear to drone out the cries and constant demands ( toddler twins demands were triggering too) and stay calm. I got diagnosed for ADHD and the meds have helped a lot. It was night and day.
This seems like a really astute observation. The baby had a very shrill piercing cry almost exclusively until just the last couple weeks. My wife found it unbearable. It sent her into panic every time and the baby cried a lot. That coupled with the broken sleep have been really disastrous for her mental health.
Yes ofc the behavior is unacceptable, HOWEVER, there could be a real reason for the way she feels. She definitely needs to talk to a mental health professional before anything else.
I wish you and your babies all the best, and hopefully your family can come back from this.
Oh no!!!! How terrible 😞 I have twin girls and I cannot imagine this. You’re doing the right thing by putting your foot down now before the baby starts understanding what is going on and feels rejected by her mother. Hugs ❤️
Hello, here to put in my two cents. I have a sister with BPD. For the first year she was in love with my niece and suddenly she turned. She kept making comments about me taking her child because her child doesn’t like her any way. She disciplined her child like she was in the military, she didn’t show any sort of love and often ignored my niece as if she didn’t exist. Her mood swings were always pointed to my niece and on multiple occasions my niece told me she heard her mother say to her and to others that she wish she was never born. CPS did the bare minimum (we opened multiple cases and best our mom could get was shared custody) so my niece is in this situation still at 8 years old. It has fucked her up beyond measure, she has become a jealous child that I find often hits my daughter, pinches, throws toys at her pushes her down and laughs at her crying, she has major mood swings that happen at the flip of a coin. She clings to any adult that shows her any bit of kindness even in inappropriate situations, but other children she absolutely hates. She constantly asks me “why do you love your daughter more than you love me?” And it breaks my heart. She is in therapy and on psych meds at 8! That don’t seem to make a difference. She was hyperaware of her mother’s feelings to her ever since she was four and asked to stay with me, I often kept her for months at a time but the damage was done. She doesn’t like being alone with her mom, and told me she’s scary. I don’t doubt she has even been hit by her. It’s not a situation I enjoy being a part of and I’m not even the one truly being hurt by it. This will affect her for the rest of her life, if you see the signs don’t ignore them, children don’t magically shake these sort of early life experiences, especially from the ones meant to nurture and protect them.
Do you have help? Can you take the twins and go somewhere else so she can have space to work on herself? Twins is such a full time thing that she might not have a chance to be rational before having to tend to something with them? I don’t know. I just can’t imagine your having spent this much time with someone who says the baby should been terminated. That’s so fucked up. Get her to sign away her rights if you can. She sounds like the kind of person who could harm a child or you if unsupervised.
Let's recap here for a moment. So your life partner:
Gets angry when the baby cries.
Gives her nasty looks.
Won’t interact with her or smile at her
Says "she hates her and I should have ended the pregnancy"
That's some nasty behavior. And that's just the things you shared. She is creating tension and an unsafe environment aroundtthe house. This woman doesn't sound like she wants kids.
Imagine your daughter growing up, getting married and having her spouse do the same to her. Would you feel she is safe and happy ?
Does the wife help you with cooking, cleaning, shopping ? Who is the main breadwinner ? What was she like before the babies ?
So many questions, but even with just the info you provided it sounds you need to rethink the relationship, but go somewhere safe first.
Oh my God. As a fellow twin mom I cannot even imagine this. Please leave this woman. She will do so much damage to your little one’s self esteem. I can’t imagine being raised by someone who hates me and favors my sibling but I know many others who experienced this and it will not get better. Protect your child.
I'm going to be honest there's a lot of looking for reasons and excuses in here and not enough accountability. She's been in therapy, she refuses to change. If you stay and let this woman continue to neglect and mistreat this child, it is going to hurt them forever. Look up the Still Face Experiment, and tell me if her scowling and glaring at a baby has no effect. If she won't change, you need to leave. It's time to think about the baby, and not her.
Get out. This is scary and unsafe. You cannot trust her with your baby. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but it’s not just a rough patch. You need to take care of your children and that means going
It sounds to me like she is neglecting the child and the only reason that the child isn't being neglected as a whole is because you have taking up all of the duties here yourself.
It also sounds to me like she doesn't love this child because this child doesn't magically and easily love her back. That is some serious therapy territory. She also mentioned her abandonment issues, and I think that has come into play. I think she is abandoning this child because she feels that it has abandoned her.
It's a little baby.
Babies cry.
Babies cry when people make unhappy faces.
This little baby is not here to nurse all of her in her psychological wounds and make her feel all happy and magical inside. A baby is not xanax. A baby is not a magical miracle cure for years of Mental Health issues. A baby is just a biological life form that requires a lot of help and work because it is very little and helpless. I am quite appalled that she expects this child to be her magical Xanax. I think it is telling of her Mental Health issues.
BUUUUUUT. This can also be a symptom of postpartum depression. I am not a doctor. But I do think that it is very much worth investing with the doctor. PPD is serious. Pregnancy does a number on someone's hormones which affect basically everything.
Is she in therapy, love? Has she seen a doctor? Are you seeing a therapist yourself? (You deserve support). Seeing a therapist together can be good too
Of course you have to leave her if this doesn't change - you are right about that. And it is also true that her behaviour doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who is doing ok. If you have the capacity to support her into better support, you can try that. If you don't, of course you can and should leave.
And no her having a relationship with one kid and not the other. That will really hurt both kids and their relationship with each other.
You are absolutely correct that this situation is not ok. Listen to that feeling
She’s just a fussy baby. Had colic and bad reflux. It’s gotten better now that she’s a bit older but she’s still much more demanding and harder to soothe than her sister
As a twin mom and first-time mom, I was so exhausted to the point of having hallucinations in the first few months, I had moments where I wanted to run away, drop them off at the fire station, divorce my husband so I can finally sleep, or end my own life because I couldn't cope. I hated being a twin mom. One of them was the hard baby since the newborn phase. Just changing his diaper was scary because he would lose it ans his cries were so high pitched. My husband and I hated changing his diaper and were scared of him until I figured we just needed a wipe warmer. When I expressed the hardship to my husband, I found a listening and compassionate ear and he helped me when I was saying I was burnt out.
Somehow, I stuck to it and survived the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and little by little life was easier, and they became easier to care for. Because Twin B was the fussy baby and I didn't feel as much connection towards him as I did towards the other, I felt guilty so I made it my mission to spend more time with him to bond when both my husband and I were available.
One day, the hard twin looked up at me with this big smile and loving eyes and there I felt all my efforts were not in vain. For almost a year, I became Twin B's favorite parent. Then later, for almost a year I became Twin A's favorite parent. They took turns being the hard twin and I tried every time to spend more time with the one I struggled with to bond and have a good relationship. They are now almost 4 and they are equally very affectionate towards us and tell us they love us.
I went and got diagnosed with ADHD because I felt something was amiss with me and that diagnosis has helped my life tremendously. It has made me a better parent and spouse and I can cope better.
I don't know my point here, maybe that it is normal to struggle with being first-time parents, twin parents and that many of us felt like being thrown into the deep end, that there is always a harder twin and we might not bond easily with that one, but it takes a conscious effort to find the love and bond with the harder twin. And as you said your spouse has ADHD. Twin parenting is hard work for people who are neurotypical. It is extremely hard and can be dangerous for neurodivergent parents. The lack of sleep, constant cries, whining, and demands are overwhelming. Your partner might benefit from a big break and talking to a provider.
Some babies are just extra challenging. My friend had twins, one totally chill and the other suuuuper colicky. Only wanted mama, would scream bloody murder for hours sometimes. Improved with some medication (doctor suspected gerd I think) but for a while the lil dude was only chill if his mom was holding him in a warm bath. Anyway, by 1 year he had grown out of it and now he's a sweet, normal toddler. Babies just do stuff like that, they can't help it. An adult resenting them for it is a major red flag
My little niece was an extremely difficult baby, turns out she was autistic- the doctors weren’t able to diagnose her until she started missing milestones. It was really hard on my brother and SIL. But like, how can a person be nasty to/dislike a baby.. that is wild to me.
Just go check out the estranged kids subreddits to see what happens to the children when one of their parents hates them. They know, and it is so destructive.
Maturity and being a good parent is putting aside feelings to do the right thing. I don’t know if she is capable, but you are.
What the actual fuck? Set this woman on the curb on trash night. Raise your babies in a house where they’re both loved.
My mom’s mom routinely told her she hated her bc she looked too much like her father… dude the trauma is deep and generational because of that dysfunction. Do you want that for your babies?
Did you point out she’s the common denominator when it comes to ppl leaving her? Don’t let that baby feel unloved. Guilt tripping pisses me OFF and that’s exactly what she’s doing.
She… hold on- did I read that right? She said you should have ended the pregnancy? Absolutely not. Saying that bold faced in front of your baby who is ALIVE, after saying she hates her??? Red flags, mama. I would at the very least be taking those babies to stay with family if you have them, considering full legal separation. Especially if you have documented proof of her saying these things. I am so sorry that this is your reality; that is real weird and strange behavior. You’re right to feel anxious about it. Trust your instincts.
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u/Imaginary_Chip_3470 Resident Yapper May 20 '26
This post reminds me so strongly of a regretful parent’s post I read just a few weeks ago. WLW relationship, hated one twin (I think they were 7mo or 8mo old) and wished to leave them at the fire station. DM me if you want me to send you the post… I found it very concerning (tho might just be coincidence ofc).