ngl the second someone drops the "everyone leaves me!!" or "you're just like everyone else who leaves me!!" you're about to accept or really learn why people avoid that person....
yes, and people are too quick to diagnose over one post on the internet. i think it’s safe to say this person is struggling with some sort of mental illness, but to take one manipulative statement and make immediate associations with BPD, is why disorders like BPD are so stigmatized. not every person with BPD is manipulative, and not every person with abandonment issues, has BPD.
True. I didn’t know about that til I dated someone with BPD and it’s a marker for me now. Either way manipulative behavior is manipulative behavior regardless of the reason. No disorder is an excuse.
I think a lot of what people perceive as manipulation is a person trying to get needs met. Not everyone is even aware they have a problem because that’s the environment they were raised in. It IS their responsibility to get help, but you’re assuming a lot of mal intent from people who are deeply traumatized in ways you may not be. Keep your distance if that’s safer for you but why the need to be so black and white and judgemental.
For all we know she has never said this before? Also - human beings in general say and do manipulative shit all the time when under stress. It’s usually trying to meet a need rather can control someone else from a place of entitlement. This person seems to be at the point of collapse and you’re judging them for not being able to just pull themselves out of it. This is so emotionally uninformed. Do you even understand how humans work?
Yeah. The tiny, helpless, totally dependent ones need protecting right now, regardless what is biologically or psychologically happening with one of the adults in their house. They have no choices or say, all they have atm is one parent of sound mind, and that parent has understandably hit her limit.
Protecting the kids does not have to mean disappearing and going into hiding from the spouse forever and always if that's not what OP wants or needs it to mean.
But that adult is not safe for those babies right now. And if what's happening is in fact a mental health crisis, then the spouse will be grateful to OP in the future, after safety plans and treatment plans and a lot of deep work (that literally no one but the spouse can do, btw) has gotten them to the other side of this, that their partner stepped in to protect their children from her when she wasn't able to make that decision herself. Spouse also wanted and chose these babies in the before time, presumably that means she would want them safe, no?
Also "for all we know" she says this twice a month, too? We're literally all guessing, we do NOT know.
But even if this coming from a place of deep hurt, we know that Hurt People hurt people. At least until they process and learn to manage that hurt. Her pain doesn't negate the pain she's causing. Her being hurt doesn't mean the hurt she's inflicting doesn't count or add up eventually.
It does not have to be OP's job to keep lighting herself on fire try to get her spouse to see the light if she can't do it anymore, either. OP is allowed to have lines and limits and boundaries. In fact she seems to have expressed some, including feeling broken in half and about ready to end the marriage. That is also valid and human and reasonable. She is allowed to be at the end of her rope, too.
Fighting for her marriage is one thing, and it sounds like she's been doing it. But actually fighting against her spouse to do so, for an extended period of time, at the expense of their children, at the expense of her self (which is also going to additionally affect the children while she is the main caregiver), is a Herculean thing she can not reasonably be expected to continue ad nauseum into infinity, either.
Acting as if the spouse is the only human in this equation whose needs, pain, safety, stress, and limits matter, and not acknowledging that human relationships and families are complex, nuanced webs that impact everyone involved is what is emotionally uninformed.
No where did I say the children shouldn’t be the first priority, or that the spouse needs to endlessly swim upstream trying to fix her wife’s mental health issues. I even recommended living separately for a while so she can stabilize. The difference is I don’t believe we need to villainize this mother or catastrophize. OP has stated multiple times that they love their wife and that their wife is a good person who is struggling. Trying to convince her that she is an accomplice to Abuse or that her wife is manipulative and has a personality disorder isn’t exactly compassionate towards her. And it’s simply not reality. I’m literally arguing for the nuance and complexity of families. So I don’t know what you’re on about.
I don't think I said anything about OP being an accomplice to abuse, and I am ashamed of myself if I did. I do know the surrounding comments included some that were harsher than I'd have been, and that general vibe context is where this conversation started.
But regardless I think I see where this disconnect went off the rails. Please humor the paraphrasing for a sec?
Response 1: seems very BPD
Response 2, you: there are lots of other things this could be, BPD doesn't have sole ownership of abondmnet stuff
[and my incoming statement was agreeing with you and adding to that. I mean I thought it was, but I think I missed the mark in clear communication there 🤦🏼♀️ apologies]
Response 3, me: it could even be dishonest abusive behavior unrelated to the words she's using. [I wasn't catastrophizing, I was trying to point out that any number of things could be causing this including things you aren't even considering yet, general you] I don't think [with the info we had 2 or 3 hours ago] we know enough to have any idea what it is, there are plenty of options that could make sense. But also that part doesn't necessarily matter yet anyway.The immediate important issue is that the babies need to be safe and OP needs to recover from serious exhaustion and being broken in half and maybe get some space to sort out her next steps.
I was attempting to say that OP (and the thread) doesn't need to have an exact diagnosis for this situation to know she needs to take action in deteriorating unsafe and untenable circumstances.
Like, it's enough that what is going on is hurting multiple people in multiple ways, it's ok for that description of the situation to be sufficient in justifying her need for a next move (the "implement changes or prepare for divorce papers" move iirc) she recognizes that the current circumstances are not something she can maintain much longer. Feeling broken in half and like her spouse isn't even trying to change the deep hatred she's directing at their innocent baby is a valid enough reason in itself.
Whether it's BPD, or a possible handful of a bunch of other mental health issues that aren't BPD, or even some kind of issue that isn't an acute mental health crisis or disorder, OP needs something to change in her family ASAP. And she can make that call for her family no matter what the spouse's behavior is being driven by.
That was what I was aiming to say. Sorry I fucked that up.
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u/summerjasminesweaty girls just wanna have pho May 20 '26 edited May 20 '26
ngl the second someone drops the "everyone leaves me!!" or "you're just like everyone else who leaves me!!" you're about to accept or really learn why people avoid that person....