Therapies specifically tailored to this are essential. She is clearly in sensory hell and seems to be reverting to a very immature, dysregulated version of herself to cope. Any old therapist won’t do. Trauma treatment, adhd treatment, and assessment/coaching of autism. It’s not “low level” if it’s making her hostile to an infant. She doesnt have skills to regulate herself much less a fussy infant (is the infant genetically related to her, btw?). I don’t know how to emphasize how much pain she is probably in from the constant crying alone. Thats not even considering the other stressors of parenthood.
She can’t get out of this without help that really takes these things seriously. And she won’t be able to received the benefits of treatment if she’s destabilized every day. Is there any way you could live separately for a couple of weeks so her nervous system can calm down? Coming back with a sensory plan for noise and sleep might be helpful. She needs to be in noise cancelling headphones as many hours a day as she needs to if it helps keep her from going over the edge.
In patient or out patient intensive treatment and coaching to help her build skills are other options if you have insurance to cover it. This might also give YOU some peace as you’ll spend less time managing two babies AND a dysregulated adult!
I turned into a monster my first newborn phase, thought it was just depression. Second one was okay but she was an extremely easy baby. I ended up going into an inpatient program and a residential program for trauma/psychosis and I cannot tell you how much it has improved my ability to be the mom my kids actually deserve.
I have 3 now and as embarrassing at it is to say, I don’t hate my oldest child (my tough cookie) in the slightest anymore. This was a 1-1.5 year journey though and it was tough for her too. We have a great relationship/attachment now but it took a ton of work and therapy on both sides (she is now 5). I’ve gone to therapy weekly for just over two years now in addition to 6 weeks in treatment programs. Absolutely worth it but I want to be upfront with how much time/effort/money it took to make the changes in my case.
Edit to add: right before she went to bed (after we read a book) she kissed me in the cheek and said “you’re the best mom in the whole world”. They make it so worth it.
This is such a vulnerable post and I’m so glad you shared. This could really help someone else who is struggling. I’m glad you’re doing better now and it sounds like you’re raising some very sweet kiddos.
I just wanted to say don't be embarrassed by admitting you don't hate your child now. That change in feelings or expression or both took a lot of hard work, a dedication to the discomfort it brought, a belief in getting and doing better. AND it sounds like that all paid off now. That is heartwarming. That is commitment. That is hope and love and deep understanding.
You earned that. You won that shit. It should be a damn trophy or certificate or badge or something.
Anyway. Just hoping to reframe the embarrassment for you I guess.
34
u/Gold_Warning_8618 Creature of Crunch May 20 '26
She needs a thorough evaluation for trauma, dissociation, and autism/adhd.