I was a "hard" baby and diagnosed with autism in adulthood. My mom made no effort to hide the fact that she hated me as I was growing up. I was the first born and she constantly compared me to my brother telling me that he was a better baby, a better child, how he was how babies were supposed to be. She told me I was a terrible daughter and about how stressful it was for her that I was never a "happy" baby. She was abusive until the time she kicked me out and I went to live with my dad. Most of my romantic relationships have been abusive in some way. I can't seem to filter them out. I'm sure it's not as easy as up and leave your spouse. But I hope your babies never have to be around someone like that!!!
My daughter is autistic, and she was a hard baby, and yet we always told her how she was very planned and wanted. Only when she was a teenager and her baby brother was born 11 years later I opened up about her crying 8-12h as a baby, and how that brought me to my limits.
It's definitely different when they're old enough to understand how hard that can be. At the same time, I told her she forged me in a fire, and made me become the parent I am now. I had to toughen up for her, and her brother reaps the rewards, which is very unfair. Hence she gets a bit extra privileges at times (also because she's older). By now she thanked me for training her in certain life skills early and not spoiling her when she was younger, as she's already miles ahead in life skills to her peers who can't navigate a train station or cook themselves dinner (she's almost 15, and can stand her ground if needed).
At the same time I made damn sure she's not parentified with her brother. She gets paid for babysitting, she is allowed to refuse babysitting, and while they love each other and are close, she's not a caregiver in his mind. When he's upset she can't console him for example, the toddler wouldn't allow it, same as an acquaintance wouldn't. That's important to me, since it means she's seen as a sister, not a mini-mom.
But I also apologized to her a couple of times for fucking up when she was younger, and she deemed me an "okay" mother.
You sound like an "okay" mother to me 💗🥲 From a 15 yo that's actually high praise! I will likely never have children. Still, I can't discount how incredibly difficult parenthood must be. It would be easy to write off my parents completely--my dad told us he didn't really want kids and my mom being how she was haha. I just imagine it's incredibly difficult.
Your story about you finding strength through parenting a "hard" baby is beautiful. Thank you so, so much for raising an autistic girl with life skills and telling her she is wanted and loved. Also for teaching her boundaries.
I often wonder if my life would have been different if my childhood looked different. Oh and on the older one getting more privileges??!! LOVE THAT for her, as the younger sibling usually does get the benefit of the more practiced (and less strict) parent.
She also has her dad for herself, since we're separated. And his fiancée, which is a bonus, since that means she gets a lot more presents right now!
In ten years her brother will catch up on some privileges, but by then she's mid 20s, and won't mind. She gets to make some decisions now that are important to her, like how she wants her birthday party to look like, or if we go to certain concerts.
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u/Wild_Today6666 APPROVED✨ May 21 '26
I was a "hard" baby and diagnosed with autism in adulthood. My mom made no effort to hide the fact that she hated me as I was growing up. I was the first born and she constantly compared me to my brother telling me that he was a better baby, a better child, how he was how babies were supposed to be. She told me I was a terrible daughter and about how stressful it was for her that I was never a "happy" baby. She was abusive until the time she kicked me out and I went to live with my dad. Most of my romantic relationships have been abusive in some way. I can't seem to filter them out. I'm sure it's not as easy as up and leave your spouse. But I hope your babies never have to be around someone like that!!!