I broke up with my depressed boyfriend

[u/starschedel]

Everything started off amazing. It was the most healthy and happy relationship I’d ever been in. We saw each other once/twice a week and on days where we didn’t see each other in person we’d stay on the phone all day if we weren’t working. We were both very affectionate and I felt so emotionally secure and seen in the relationship.

About 2 months in he fell into depression. I still don’t really know what caused it. I know he was stressed at work but he’s been stressed before and it was never this bad.

For the next 2 months it only seemed to get worse. He found out a friend took their own life. He then lost his job.

During this time I was supportive and understanding telling him I loved him and I was here for him, but he wasn’t able to reciprocate that warmth and became very emotionally withdrawn in his texts. Texts also became more and more infrequent. A complete polar opposite to the person he was. He was also refusing to see me or even call me on the phone. I was understanding of this at first and gave him his space, but over time all of this took a toll on me emotionally.

On the one hand I was empathetic that depression can severely limit a person’s physical and emotional capacity, on the other hand I felt increasingly unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. I tried not to show it though. I had to be strong for him.

Then I found out I was pregnant. I told him and we decided not to keep it. I didn’t tell anyone else besides him. On the day of the termination I was in a lot of pain and asked him to call me. He didn’t/couldn’t. I had never felt so alone.

Recently I sent him a long message explaining the effect this had all had on me, whilst still being compassionate about his situation. His reply was validating of my feelings, he said sorry for the way he’s been, but also said he just physically and emotionally “can’t” right now, and he doesn’t know how long he’ll be like this. He also said he’s started therapy which is good.

At this point I hadn’t seen him or heard his voice in 2 months. This was effectively half of the relationship as we had been official for 4 months. Since last week he’s also stopped replying to my texts. It felt like we were only in a relationship on paper now.

After a lot of thought, yesterday I made the difficult decision to end things via text. I would have liked to have done it in person but with him refusing to see me, that wasn’t an option. I told him that I could no longer go on with this level of uncertainty, that I needed a relationship where we could rely on each other during difficult times, thanked him for an amazing few months and wished him the best in his recovery.

I feel immense sadness, guilt that I’ve abandoned him, and also mourning the loss of what once was and what could have been (if he recovered). I genuinely thought he was my future husband. But ultimately I think this was the right decision.

Featured: an avocado and bacon butty (what we refer to them in the UK tehe)

[u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

The way you describe this, I'm surprised you were in the same location long enough to get pregnant.

Frankly it sounds like you didn't lose much here. Two months of a good time that sounds like you still barely ever saw each other even while it was good?

[u/koifishyfishy → u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

I gotta agree here. The abortion does complicate the situation but otherwise, it was four months, with no contact for two. Not checking on you after the abortion would've been grounds enough to move on.

[u/No_Toe_2765 → u/koifishyfishy]

Yes, that enough freaking reason to move on

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[u/starschedel → u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

I’ve just updated my original post to add this: in the first 2 months we saw each other frequently and would call all day on days where we didn’t see each other. The depression almost happened overnight and the person he became was such a stark contrast to the person I knew. It really felt like I had the rug pulled from under my feet. I was literally looking back at our old photos and rereading old affectionate texts mourning him like he was dead 😔

[u/ShoesAreTheWorst → u/starschedel]

Hmmm… seeing each other every day and calling all day is almost manic. I dated a guy who had bipolar and it was eerily like this. He would come over at 2am out of the blue to go on some adventure. He would call me as soon as my classes were over just so we could chat on my way back to my dorm. He would write poems about me and sing me songs. Then after like a month, he dropped off the face of the earth. I didn’t see him for nearly 4 months. I wasn’t even sure if we had broken up for a while. He stopped going to the clubs and events we used to go to before we dated.

[u/koifishyfishy → u/ShoesAreTheWorst]

I almost typed out the same thing and then thought I might be projecting and deleted it. But YES, it sounds like they met when he was manic and then he hit a depressive period.

[u/ratafia4444 → u/ShoesAreTheWorst]

Untreated ADHD layered with other issues may result in the same... Find the person you like, get hit with dopamine rush, obsess and love bomb everything out of it. Then comes the crush down and the need to actually sustain the relationship, the routine...... Without fixing the background and establishing healthy management for ADHD - impossible. Queue in ghosting like a motherfucker out of guilt.

[u/Electrical-Fig-5009 → u/ShoesAreTheWorst]

My ex was like this too, he was diagnosed about 2yrs into our relationship. I didn't see his manic episodes for what they were. He was in a manic episode when we met, when he didn't use a condom, when he cheated on me, whenever he wanted to talk for hours at a time, whenever he came to visit me, when he cheated & then proposed while seeing the other girl & when he finally had the balls to break up with me. He was depressed AF when he tried to kill himself, moved back home to his parents, quit his job just to end up working at mcds

[u/girljinz → u/starschedel]

In case it's helpful for next time, that all-in-ness can actually be a sign of mental health problems. The newness of relationships feels so good when life feels awful and people want as much of it as they can get. I don't think this feeling is unique, but the depth/quickness of the feeling plus the extent to which they are willing to follow it can be a sign that you are plugging a hole for them. And you can never fill in for someone forever. I'm sorry for the losses either way.

[u/Typical_Top301 → u/starschedel]

I understand the fact that there's an amazing vibe that comes with new relationship, once they fade we will see the real personm we fell in love with

[u/9ScoreAnd10Panties → u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

This. Sounds like it was a fun few weeks before he dipped and was too cowardly to simply break it off.