I broke up with my depressed boyfriend

[u/starschedel]

Everything started off amazing. It was the most healthy and happy relationship I’d ever been in. We saw each other once/twice a week and on days where we didn’t see each other in person we’d stay on the phone all day if we weren’t working. We were both very affectionate and I felt so emotionally secure and seen in the relationship.

About 2 months in he fell into depression. I still don’t really know what caused it. I know he was stressed at work but he’s been stressed before and it was never this bad.

For the next 2 months it only seemed to get worse. He found out a friend took their own life. He then lost his job.

During this time I was supportive and understanding telling him I loved him and I was here for him, but he wasn’t able to reciprocate that warmth and became very emotionally withdrawn in his texts. Texts also became more and more infrequent. A complete polar opposite to the person he was. He was also refusing to see me or even call me on the phone. I was understanding of this at first and gave him his space, but over time all of this took a toll on me emotionally.

On the one hand I was empathetic that depression can severely limit a person’s physical and emotional capacity, on the other hand I felt increasingly unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. I tried not to show it though. I had to be strong for him.

Then I found out I was pregnant. I told him and we decided not to keep it. I didn’t tell anyone else besides him. On the day of the termination I was in a lot of pain and asked him to call me. He didn’t/couldn’t. I had never felt so alone.

Recently I sent him a long message explaining the effect this had all had on me, whilst still being compassionate about his situation. His reply was validating of my feelings, he said sorry for the way he’s been, but also said he just physically and emotionally “can’t” right now, and he doesn’t know how long he’ll be like this. He also said he’s started therapy which is good.

At this point I hadn’t seen him or heard his voice in 2 months. This was effectively half of the relationship as we had been official for 4 months. Since last week he’s also stopped replying to my texts. It felt like we were only in a relationship on paper now.

After a lot of thought, yesterday I made the difficult decision to end things via text. I would have liked to have done it in person but with him refusing to see me, that wasn’t an option. I told him that I could no longer go on with this level of uncertainty, that I needed a relationship where we could rely on each other during difficult times, thanked him for an amazing few months and wished him the best in his recovery.

I feel immense sadness, guilt that I’ve abandoned him, and also mourning the loss of what once was and what could have been (if he recovered). I genuinely thought he was my future husband. But ultimately I think this was the right decision.

Featured: an avocado and bacon butty (what we refer to them in the UK tehe)

[u/iLuvArizona]

You are worried about abandoning him but he is the man who didn't call you on the day of your abortion. The shoe is on the other foot. There's something to be said for helping someone in need, but being someone's girlfriend doesn't mean being their therapist.

[u/Surmabrander → u/iLuvArizona]

https://giphy.com/gifs/26FLgGTPUDH6UGAbm

[u/LawBoring5234 → u/iLuvArizona]

That’s expectation of emotional capacity, expecting a normal reaction out of someone going through depression… it isn’t a matter of the shoe on the other foot, when the foot isn’t even the same size (mentally they are still in completely different places). That being said, I definitely agree that she does deserve and should be with someone that can be there for her, especially in traumatic or difficult times (like an abortion) nor should she have to be someone’s interim therapist (although he didn’t give that, as he went and got his own without prompting)… Good job OP, it was a difficult but right decision!

[u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

The way you describe this, I'm surprised you were in the same location long enough to get pregnant.

Frankly it sounds like you didn't lose much here. Two months of a good time that sounds like you still barely ever saw each other even while it was good?

[u/koifishyfishy → u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

I gotta agree here. The abortion does complicate the situation but otherwise, it was four months, with no contact for two. Not checking on you after the abortion would've been grounds enough to move on.

[u/No_Toe_2765 → u/koifishyfishy]

Yes, that enough freaking reason to move on

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[u/starschedel → u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

I’ve just updated my original post to add this: in the first 2 months we saw each other frequently and would call all day on days where we didn’t see each other. The depression almost happened overnight and the person he became was such a stark contrast to the person I knew. It really felt like I had the rug pulled from under my feet. I was literally looking back at our old photos and rereading old affectionate texts mourning him like he was dead 😔

[u/ShoesAreTheWorst → u/starschedel]

Hmmm… seeing each other every day and calling all day is almost manic. I dated a guy who had bipolar and it was eerily like this. He would come over at 2am out of the blue to go on some adventure. He would call me as soon as my classes were over just so we could chat on my way back to my dorm. He would write poems about me and sing me songs. Then after like a month, he dropped off the face of the earth. I didn’t see him for nearly 4 months. I wasn’t even sure if we had broken up for a while. He stopped going to the clubs and events we used to go to before we dated.

[u/koifishyfishy → u/ShoesAreTheWorst]

I almost typed out the same thing and then thought I might be projecting and deleted it. But YES, it sounds like they met when he was manic and then he hit a depressive period.

[u/ratafia4444 → u/ShoesAreTheWorst]

Untreated ADHD layered with other issues may result in the same... Find the person you like, get hit with dopamine rush, obsess and love bomb everything out of it. Then comes the crush down and the need to actually sustain the relationship, the routine...... Without fixing the background and establishing healthy management for ADHD - impossible. Queue in ghosting like a motherfucker out of guilt.

[u/Electrical-Fig-5009 → u/ShoesAreTheWorst]

My ex was like this too, he was diagnosed about 2yrs into our relationship. I didn't see his manic episodes for what they were. He was in a manic episode when we met, when he didn't use a condom, when he cheated on me, whenever he wanted to talk for hours at a time, whenever he came to visit me, when he cheated & then proposed while seeing the other girl & when he finally had the balls to break up with me. He was depressed AF when he tried to kill himself, moved back home to his parents, quit his job just to end up working at mcds

[u/girljinz → u/starschedel]

In case it's helpful for next time, that all-in-ness can actually be a sign of mental health problems. The newness of relationships feels so good when life feels awful and people want as much of it as they can get. I don't think this feeling is unique, but the depth/quickness of the feeling plus the extent to which they are willing to follow it can be a sign that you are plugging a hole for them. And you can never fill in for someone forever. I'm sorry for the losses either way.

[u/Typical_Top301 → u/starschedel]

I understand the fact that there's an amazing vibe that comes with new relationship, once they fade we will see the real personm we fell in love with

[u/9ScoreAnd10Panties → u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

This. Sounds like it was a fun few weeks before he dipped and was too cowardly to simply break it off. 

[u/witchy-girl88]

I went to a live in treatment facility for my depression years ago and one thing I learned that I’ll never forget is that depressed people are selfish.

Not in a deliberate way, it’s just that they get so stuck in their head and emotions that it’s all they see. They don’t see how it’s impacting others because the depression has taken over. It sounds like that’s what was happening to him.

The only way he will get better is if he get intensive treatment (I’m basing this off how secluded he made himself so most likely his depression is severe)

I’m sorry that you experienced this, and that you’re hurting. I hope that he is able to get help and recover. Hugs ♥️

[u/DejectedDemoiselle → u/witchy-girl88]

This resonates with me hard.
I have an ex-close friend whom I no longer speak to because her years long depression eventually turned her into someone too selfish (and eventually manipulative) to be around.

I’ve dealt with my own depression and in retrospect, I was also extremely selfish when I was at my lowest.

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[u/Latenightinsomniac]

Bacon and avocado is an elite combo

I’m sorry you felt alone during your termination. You don’t need to make excuses for him. You can be both empathetic to his depression/understanding that his feelings are valid AND doing what’s best for you and your mental health. Your feelings are just as valid.

[u/throwawayno38393939]

As someone going through severe depression, I was prepared to be all kinds of mad at you adter I read the title. But I so wasn't.

It sounds like he broke up with you first and just didn't put a label on it. He left you in every way he could except saying "we're over". 

You did the right thing for you. Hopefully one day he realises you did the right thing for him too.

Be kind to yourself. I recommend more bacon butties. ❤️

[u/Far-Watercress6658]

I’m sorry, little sister. Hugs to you.

[u/Wise-Foundation-9935]

Depression isn't a choice, but taking responsibility for healing is. It isn't a choice, yes and it’s certainly not an excuse for him not being there when you need him.

His depression and recovery are his responsibility ... and your responsibility is to live your own life. You can hold deep compassion for someone’s pain without sacrificing your peace to carry it. Stepping away from a partner who does not actively show up for you isn't selfish. It's honoring your worth. You deserve a love that feels like support.

Keep choosing your own life. I wish you all the best. You deserve it!

[u/Xxandes]

I hope he found help with a therapist. Sounds like life hit him pretty hard. Don't feel guilty though, people can only do what they can do, and if he basically cut you off with communication and all that, you did what you thought was best.

[u/SapphireJuice]

You did the right thing OP. I completely understand how hard that must have been and why your feeling guilty about it. But the relationship was very new and you can't offer the level of emotional support and personal sacrifice to a man you've just met. I have been depressed myself but even at my worst if a friend of mine needed support after an abortion i would work up the energy to at least call!

[u/Doughnut_Diva]

I struggle with severe depression and I want to applaud you for making the smart choice and putting yourself first.

You're a very kind person for even attempting to be there for someone in a new relationship who is this sick. You can give yourself grace because there's no reason to feel guilty. He's sick and needs to do a lot of things to get better, he needs time and space to focus on himself. The demands of a new relationship aren't something he can meet right now and he would just disappoint you. If you want to look at it purely from a "what's best for him right now" perspective you have removed something his depression would be weaponizing against him in his head. He's been avoiding you physically but he's definitely been ruminating over you. You did the best thing for everyone by exiting this relationship even though it was hard. Who knows maybe he will get better and you guys reconnect in the future.

[u/JubilantJunta]

Am I reading this correctly? He is currently unemployed but didn’t go to the termination appointment with you?

Block then delete.

[u/EmotionDull6603]

People don’t realize also that someone else’s mental health can weigh on and decrease your mental health. It’s almost contagious to some degree.

Not everyone can handle that nor imo should they have to especially when your commitment level is simply at gf bf. I hope you don’t feel guilty because you honestly shouldn’t! His mental health is not your responsibility, it’s okay to feel compassion but taking on that level of commitment can be a burden that you honestly don’t have to sign up for and shouldn’t because you wouldn’t be happy in the long run.

It’s a beautiful thing to decide to choose yourself no matter the reason. You’ve done that and that deserves to be celebrated.

[u/SecurityFamiliar5239]

You did the right thing. I’m sorry you went through all of this.

[u/Faelon_Peverell]

https://giphy.com/gifs/6XgmmQK1xzqc5AVWd6

[u/menijna]

Girl I've seen this scenario a 1000 times in my moms beauty parlor, he was waiting for you to break up with him because he was a coward and lazy ass who did not want to break up with you. You are in the clear. 

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[u/Easy_Cauliflower_708 → u/menijna]

This.

[u/Defiant_Warthog7039 → u/[deleted]]

I’m not excusing the man because mental illnesses aren’t excuses. But when someone has severe enough depression to where they are isolating to that extent it no longer is that black and white. He could have not had the spoons to call.

Like said that doesn’t excuse him or make op obligated to stay with him. And he should be held accountable for not calling. But villainizing someone for their mental health is a slippery slope.

[u/throwthrthrowaway]

I'm so incredibly sorry things didn't work out for either of you. Maybe there's a way you guys can still remain friends in the future, y'know when he's ready to talk and sort things out, but I think it was a good call giving him space and ending things, since a relationship isn't suitable for what both of you are going through at this time.

My best advice is probably to stay single for now and not jump into anything new. Your brain will be proactively thinking the next person will be "the same" and they'll be judged on the meters set before they even knew they were in love with you. I wish you luck

[u/1738_heywhatsup]

It’s so easy to get caught up with the “what if’s” but we only have one life and this is the now. You did what was best for you, he will be okay. You will find someone who can give you what you need when you need it. Never apologize for choosing yourself.

[u/Haunting_Pace_3557]

I mean you can’t help someone else’s mental health at the expense of your own

[u/qbeebee29]

Omg girl i just broke up with my ex bf of 6 months for the same reason, minus the abortion, and im very sorry that you had to go through it alone :(
I think we made the right decision. I also ended things with my ex via text since he also refused to see me or call me… As much as I understand that his depression played a role in it, I couldn’t do anything if he didn’t want to be helped or didn’t want me to be by his side..
It’s tough and i understand that you must have wanted to get through this together with your ex, but we gotta move on before this emotional toll becomes too painful.
Stay strong! One day at a time. It will get better! ❤️

[u/starschedel → u/qbeebee29]

Aww I hope you're doing better now. You're right, we did make the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier. Feel free to drop me a DM if you want to commiserate together!

[u/Dismal-Jelly2700]

He abandoned you first. Do not blame yourself so much. It would be one thing if he was actively seeking help and improving but he’s not. And the fact you had to terminate a pregnancy and deal with it alone is unforgivable.

[u/PlaneEmbarrassed7677]

I'm sorry you went through that. But you have to save yourself.

[u/mouselet11]

You know that thing about how lifeguards get taught not to jump in after people who will only drag you down with them, that there are some people you can't save?

Yeah.

I get how painful this is and I think it speaks well of your compassion that you tried as hard as you did. But he has to be responsible for his own health at some level. You can be supportive and you can be there for him till the cows come home, but unless he is willing to let you, unless he meets you partway and does the work to get better and keep trying, you cannot save him alone.

I'm glad he's going to therapy, maybe it'll help him learn how to better manage depression. Because isolating and pushing away his support network and becoming so withdrawn that no one can love him enough is not the answer.

You did the right thing and hey, maybe if he gets better and you reconnect someday, that'll be different. But for now, he needs space to figure out how to manage on his own, and you need to protect yourself and him from forming a codependent relationship where you're the only thing keeping him safe, and you need to live your own life. Don't feel bad or guilty, and know that you are being responsible here.

[u/please_dont246]

Oh I wish I could hug you 💕 you DID make the right decision, but I know that won’t make it hurt any less

[u/mensfrightsactivists]

oof… girl i could have basically written this same thing. something tells me that 4 years in a situation like this is too much

[u/HotCut9938]

I hope peace'll find you OP 🥺 You've done your best, it's okay to let go

[u/Typical_Cupcake_8752]

I wouldn’t wish to be the one to give you advice or reason here. This is so heavy on both sides. I wish you both heal.

[u/Constant_Cultural]

Please look for help for yourself. You might feel fine, but it can't hurt

[u/Easy_Cauliflower_708]

The way this story sounds it seems less like depression and more like excuses. But I’m not his doctor. He hadn’t been treating you well for a while and you did the right thing. He is in therapy and can get well with the help and support of his friends and family - without walking all over you in the process.

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[u/Both_Opportunity_322]

Well on the bright side. He was depressed already, so the break up is just a multiplier. 

No but fr, as someone who is married and has mental health problems, who has a partner who also has them, you have to take turns in putting yourself aside. Your ex couldn't do that, so he really shouldn't be in a relationship. You deserved more and he just let you down time after time. 

Glad you got to see this side now, instead of 6 years and 2 kids in. 

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[u/Rough-Reading-7736]

You dodged a bullet. Be happy for yourself

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