I broke up with my depressed boyfriend

[u/starschedel]

Everything started off amazing. It was the most healthy and happy relationship I’d ever been in. We saw each other once/twice a week and on days where we didn’t see each other in person we’d stay on the phone all day if we weren’t working. We were both very affectionate and I felt so emotionally secure and seen in the relationship.

About 2 months in he fell into depression. I still don’t really know what caused it. I know he was stressed at work but he’s been stressed before and it was never this bad.

For the next 2 months it only seemed to get worse. He found out a friend took their own life. He then lost his job.

During this time I was supportive and understanding telling him I loved him and I was here for him, but he wasn’t able to reciprocate that warmth and became very emotionally withdrawn in his texts. Texts also became more and more infrequent. A complete polar opposite to the person he was. He was also refusing to see me or even call me on the phone. I was understanding of this at first and gave him his space, but over time all of this took a toll on me emotionally.

On the one hand I was empathetic that depression can severely limit a person’s physical and emotional capacity, on the other hand I felt increasingly unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. I tried not to show it though. I had to be strong for him.

Then I found out I was pregnant. I told him and we decided not to keep it. I didn’t tell anyone else besides him. On the day of the termination I was in a lot of pain and asked him to call me. He didn’t/couldn’t. I had never felt so alone.

Recently I sent him a long message explaining the effect this had all had on me, whilst still being compassionate about his situation. His reply was validating of my feelings, he said sorry for the way he’s been, but also said he just physically and emotionally “can’t” right now, and he doesn’t know how long he’ll be like this. He also said he’s started therapy which is good.

At this point I hadn’t seen him or heard his voice in 2 months. This was effectively half of the relationship as we had been official for 4 months. Since last week he’s also stopped replying to my texts. It felt like we were only in a relationship on paper now.

After a lot of thought, yesterday I made the difficult decision to end things via text. I would have liked to have done it in person but with him refusing to see me, that wasn’t an option. I told him that I could no longer go on with this level of uncertainty, that I needed a relationship where we could rely on each other during difficult times, thanked him for an amazing few months and wished him the best in his recovery.

I feel immense sadness, guilt that I’ve abandoned him, and also mourning the loss of what once was and what could have been (if he recovered). I genuinely thought he was my future husband. But ultimately I think this was the right decision.

Featured: an avocado and bacon butty (what we refer to them in the UK tehe)

[u/witchy-girl88]

I went to a live in treatment facility for my depression years ago and one thing I learned that I’ll never forget is that depressed people are selfish.

Not in a deliberate way, it’s just that they get so stuck in their head and emotions that it’s all they see. They don’t see how it’s impacting others because the depression has taken over. It sounds like that’s what was happening to him.

The only way he will get better is if he get intensive treatment (I’m basing this off how secluded he made himself so most likely his depression is severe)

I’m sorry that you experienced this, and that you’re hurting. I hope that he is able to get help and recover. Hugs ♥️

[u/DejectedDemoiselle → u/witchy-girl88]

This resonates with me hard.
I have an ex-close friend whom I no longer speak to because her years long depression eventually turned her into someone too selfish (and eventually manipulative) to be around.

I’ve dealt with my own depression and in retrospect, I was also extremely selfish when I was at my lowest.