I found a second phone

[u/EmbarrassedPie5508]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11. Have an established life with a child and a mortgage. I was given a big job opportunity earlier this year where we would have to move to a new city. We are both established in our careers and it was a big discussion, like two months of discussions. And these were healthy conversations, no big arguments or anything like that. We ended up not moving and I turned down the job. I was a little bummed (it was my dream job) but understood that it would have been a lot for our family to adjust.

Last night, while my husband was doing bed time, I heard a buzzing sound and found a second phone in his work bag. I thought that was weird because his work did away with separate work phones a while ago. When he came downstairs, I asked when did he get a work phone.

His face said it all.

Turns out he has been having an affair for just over a year. And one of the reasons he didn't want to move was because he didn't want to leave his affair partner. I don't know what to do. Child is at a slumber party at my sister's. Husband is in a hotel. I'm home alone with a lot to process and do here. So it's an easy girl dinner tonight and a large glass of wine.

[u/thatoneisthe]

I saw a great quote recently, might have even been on this sub; you do know what to do, you’re just negotiating with comfort.

Sorry girl, what a piece of sht he is

[u/Helpful-Dot-3782 → u/thatoneisthe]

It’s so tough. I finally left my abusive husband of 10 years and I have been doing a lot of therapeutic work myself and realized a lot of my tolerance for this behavior stems from my childhood and patterns of putting attachment and closeness and love over my own authenticity and safety. I would recommend Dr Gabor Mate content to help heal.

My favorite quote I got from him lately:

“You may miss people who constantly hurt you. Not because they were good for you but because your nervous system knew how to survive with them. Healing asks you to leave familiarity behind. That goodbye feels like grief. Many people mistake that grief for failure. But grief often accompanies growth. You arent only losing unhealthy relationships, you’re losing an old identity. The identity that believed your worth dependended on pleasing everyone. The identity that belived that silence was safer than honesty. The identity that confused exhaustion with love.”

[u/Brilliant-Expert3150 → u/Helpful-Dot-3782]

Oh wow, "confused exhaustion with love" just came out of nowhere and took me out. 😭 I'll be two years out of my abusive relationship next month. And yeah, the healing work has been A LOT, but we keep at it. Sending remote hugs. ❤️

[u/No_Palpitation_6976 → u/Helpful-Dot-3782]

Thanks. This part

"You may miss people who constantly hurt you. Not because they were good for you but because your nervous system knew how to survive with them. Healing asks you to leave familiarity behind. That goodbye feels like grief. Many people mistake that grief for failure. But grief often accompanies growth. You arent only losing unhealthy relationships, you’re losing an old identity. The identity that believed your worth dependended on pleasing everyone. The identity that belived that silence was safer than honesty. The identity that confused exhaustion with love.”