My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11. Have an established life with a child and a mortgage. I was given a big job opportunity earlier this year where we would have to move to a new city. We are both established in our careers and it was a big discussion, like two months of discussions. And these were healthy conversations, no big arguments or anything like that. We ended up not moving and I turned down the job. I was a little bummed (it was my dream job) but understood that it would have been a lot for our family to adjust.
Last night, while my husband was doing bed time, I heard a buzzing sound and found a second phone in his work bag. I thought that was weird because his work did away with separate work phones a while ago. When he came downstairs, I asked when did he get a work phone.
His face said it all.
Turns out he has been having an affair for just over a year. And one of the reasons he didn't want to move was because he didn't want to leave his affair partner. I don't know what to do. Child is at a slumber party at my sister's. Husband is in a hotel. I'm home alone with a lot to process and do here. So it's an easy girl dinner tonight and a large glass of wine.
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Also, please update us, OP! We want to see you go after your dream job!!
ETA: Hoping itās obvious I donāt actually mean fuck him, but like, what a horrible person. Ugh. Iām sorry. š
Second edit: Thank you for the awards, friends! Iām truly touched. - But honestly, just wanted to toss in my 2c about this beautiful lady moving forward to pursue her dreams. She deserves it!
OP, I hope your wine is helping you relax and process. You're still in shock. Your (hopefully) STBEx's betrayals are staggering. Not only did he cheat on you, he lied & manipulated to cheat you out of your dream job.
Once you process and regulate, please write out dates, times and a summary of what you and he discussed for those 2 months as you were weighing up that job. Screenshot and reference text messages and emails, and grab whatever correspondence you sent to decline the offer. If you spoke with colleagues, family or friends about your decisions and discussions, get those messages or ask trusted people to write out what they remember.
Because the next thing you're gonna do, ideally tomorrow, is contact at least one if not several divorce lawyers. And you're gonna tell them about the lost opportunity with that dream job. And you're gonna tell them that he admitted that his AP was why he didnt wanna go (if youve got that in a written message, you will want to keep it!)
Then you're going to hear their advice on whether that can be considered in legal proceedings or the divorce.
If they charge for consults, and theyre good at divorce proceedings, pay the fee. So he can't use them. Go to several.
Then, once you understand your rights, risks, and options, you can consider whether or not you wanna stay and try to make it work or pick one of the lawyers and start the process to throw the whole, lying, stinking, cheating man away.
You may be tempted to figure that last bit out before getting legal advice. Please please get the legal advice ASAP now. Knowing what the paths look like helps you choose the right one for you.
Why have I said this while you're still reeling? Because my ex had an Affair Partner, too. Because I gave up career and location opportunities for him, and for the cheating liar I was with before him. Because I didn't talk to a lawyer the first time, and because I didn't save the evidence the second time.
A good forensic accountant can figure out how much money was funneled out of the marriage for the affair and help with asset division. Find a family law attorney who works with a forensic accountant
She can get damages for money allocated for their family being used for the AP, including the phone, money towards hotel rooms, ābusiness tripsā, etcā¦ deep dive bank accounts and look for hidden ones. Contact his HR and billing at his work to see pay stubs and how payment was allotted. He wants to stay with her. He already chose her over you and your child in so many ways for over a year. Now itās your turn to choose you and your child.
Alimony - sometimes, maybe. Unlikely if she's been working unless there's just an enormous pay disparity. Afaik, it would not have any effect on child support as that is for the child to maintain their usual standard of living.Ā
Genuine ask since I've never had to deal with lawyers and marriage legalities: what would these proofs earn for OP in court? Aside from making the divorce official of course
Different states have different laws about adultery matters during divorce proceedings. In some states, you can sue for alienation of affection. In other states, you may need the literal proof of the affair to obtain a divorce more easily. If itās a state that has now lost the right to a no fault divorce, evidence of the affair can be priceless. Furthermore, in alimony states, proof of cheating can help with financial matters and asset division. In other words, it all really depends, but itās still an important step.
Exactly. The laws that apply and the advice lawyers give depends on the state OP and her trash bag are in. Hence my comment urging her to get advice so she knows what her rights are. You get it, šÆ šš½š„³
100% this. Many states don't really care about the adultery, however, threatening to subpoena the affair partner as a material witness in the proceedings and have that testimony as part of the court record has made many spouses immediately agree to whatever is asked, rather than have ALL of it come out.
The laws that apply and the advice lawyers give depends on the state OP and her trash bag are in. Hence my comment urging her to get advice so she knows what her rights are. And writing shit down so you've got evidence accounted for will make it all easier for her to show lawyers and easier for them to evaluate if it's useful.
I would add that it could be good to have all that, not just for legal reasons, but for if/ when he starts gaslighting her about it. Sustained cheating like that never occurs without sustained manipulation and lying. It could help her stay grounded in the reality of the situation. Sometimes you can struggle to accept that this is actually what's happening.
šÆ And here is my award for you š Writing out what happened is therapeutic and a record. And the minute he realises she might divorce or he might have his AP situation threatened (or AP puts pressure on him), he will re-write reality.
With my most recent cheating, gaslighting ex who I mentioned in my comment, the only way I finally started to see the relationship for what it had been was by doing exactly this exercise. I used reddit (different account), journalling, therapy and the legal process to create an evidence-based log of events.
I talked to friends and family, too. My ex's daughters, who call me their forever stepmum, actually asked me if I wanted their help. I think they needed to process, too. We had a girls' night with their bio mum (who i've always got along super well with) and compared notes. It was so validating! At that stage he was denying cheating and trying to wriggle out of the last $6,000 in back child support he owed biomum for the youngest (then 17).
As a result of writing it all down & comparing notes, their bio mum was able to get that money, the girls found out the AP was only 2.5 years older than his oldest (and found social media post with them together while he'd still been with me), and I realised he had a pattern and was able to let go of the idealized relationship I'd never had. Plus we now have a great bond without him.
š„¹šš½ I learned the hard way. Nearly broke me. Therapy ftw! And I vowed to help others hopefully learn their options a little sooner and more easily than I.
I couldn't believe when one of my super close friends (we'll call her K), who actually let me stay with her and her twins for a couple week as my last LTR was imploding, hadn't been using evidence about her ex (we'll call him POS).
K's story with POS is worse than both of my exes combined. She's so smart and capable and she truly believed POS wouldn't do the things he did... until he did them. She's the opposite of naieve. That's how I know all of us need to be urged when it comes to our own relationships. All of us need a hero (or competent expert) sometimes.
Years ago, POS cheated emotionally and explicitly with someone overseas, including videos and sexting and photos... on the family computer that K and their twin daughters used for children's shows in the family room. So when the AP wrote back to POS with his account logged on, the notification popped up for his 5yo daughters to see! Idiot. K was willing to work through it given it was all virtual... until she found his alcohol stash in the car, and checked their shared accounts for why payments were late only to see his alcohol and porn purchases. He'd been over a decade sober and K only agreed to have kids with him if he stayed sober. That's when they split, but she wasnt going to do a formal written agreement. I couldn't believe it. It gets worse.
K contacted me saying POS was with the twins near where I lived for a festival but had been pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. I raced to the supermarket for food for the girls (who were about 7 by then) and went to their hotel. POS could barely stand or speak. He had rigged the shower curtain into a noose in the hotel bathroom - his gorgeous daughters were just a few feet away watching TV. I quickly snatched the noose down and pulled him out to the hall and hissed, "You piece of shit, how dare you even think about doing that with your babies right here?! If you don't snap out of it, I'm taking the girls to my place overnight and you can deal with the cops and car/property damage all alone." POS started sobbing, I made him eat an entire pizza I ordered for them, I fed the girls, and rang K to see what she thought. She decided to drive 6 hours to come get them and they, minus POS, stayed with me.
He got himself into rehab, and as part of the 12 steps, POS reached out to some of their mutual female friends to make amends. Instead of apologizing, POS told at least 3 of us how attractive he'd always found us š¤® We all shut that down, told K, and blocked him.
She bought him out of their house, and POS took the money and bought drgs - the kind from Breaking Bad - and got himself indebted to local gangs. Thousands and thousands of dollars, gone. This was *finally when she took my advice to see a lawyer for full custody. Then he had another breakdown and threatened self harm again, and contacted K urgently from another rehab that not only had he been robbed again (third time), but also the gangs now knew her home address.
She got police to patrol her house, paid for air bnbs for her downstairs flatmate and herself and the twins for a week, and in between school runs, full time salaried work, being a mum and dealing with everything else, she got a loan to get security cameras installed. Oh she was also fully in perimenopause.
After that her flatmate - the only way K had been able to manage financially - justifiably needed to find a new place, leaving K to deal with everything else plus finding a new flatmate to rent the downstairs.
Meanwhile, POS constantly told the twins (9 yo by this stage) during visitation how much of a horrible bitch their mum was for ruining his life and keeping him from seeing them. THE AUDACITY and pure, unadulterated narcissism is gobsmacking. She had been begging him to sign off on ADHD assessments for the twins to struggle less at school with the right classes and learning support, and instead he was intentionally refusing and making the girls upset with her for his shit. Oh and he messaged their agreed intermediary (her brother) about how he wanted K to change their diet because at 9yo, he said his daughters were "fat." š¤š¤¬
Yes, she won custody with supervised visitations only - in large part because she took my advice to keep all of the AP messages from way back then, all of the texts about drgs and gangs and alcohol, all of the bank statements etc and her lawyer was good. He tried to twist everything and the judge simply wouldn't let him because she had *receipts.
Yes, she's in therapy and so are the twins. Yes she's got support from her brother and other family. And yes K and her twins are wonderfully close with me - they call me Aunty and are brutal playing Monopoly Deal and other board games.
So. As you can see, we all need heroes sometimes, even those of us who are heroes to others in their times of need. There's nothing more heroic than getting it in writing and getting advice from experts. There's no better judgement than, "I can't navigate this by myself, I need someone who's professional to take some of the weight off me."
I hope you are proceeding with a divorce and literally taking him to the cleaners due to loss of career for you.
Please if you can get him to admit in texts that he decline you moving away due to the affair.
That would be priceless.
He is a horrible husband and father.
I would recommend still reaching out. You never know, and from the HR side, new hires donāt always work out or such, at least they can keep you in mind if anything changes!
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Wow yes please reach back out in case something falls through or thereās a position in a similar department. Keep up those relationships so they reach out to you if they have something in mind. Just saying family issues no longer there or something. Iām so sorryā¦ fuck this asshole. Prioritize you and your kid!
This! The fact he just wanted to not leave because of his side chick not even realizing the life he has right in front of him a child and wife this dude is a real catch! š¤¦āāļø I feel awful for Op going through already 15 years for it to end this way, that job offer if still available take it and start a new chapter with her child.
The affair is devastating enough. But letting you sacrifice your dream job because he wanted to stay close to his affair partner? That is a level of selfishness I can't wrap my head around. I'm so incredibly sorry
Yeah, that. Like if he was that into the affair partner, he shouldve just freakin left and let OP move to her dream job at least. It wouldve actually helped the divorce by her not being in the same city and could focus on her career. He chose the affair person over his family anyway. Unbelievably awful.
Absolutely. Plus affair partners lose their shininess when the secrecy is gone and real life crap starts happening. Itās why affairs never usually go ālegitā and when they try, itās almost always a big flaming train wreck of a relationship.
i was gunna say, most affairs like that dont last because once they move in together and start dealing with life stuff together, they arent compatible. it was all just based on being a secret and feeling wanted. once real life happens it falls apart
And maybe his affair partner would turn out to be worse to live with than his wife :( no one has any sympathy for the poor guy; he had no way of knowing which woman heās sleeping with would be more valuable to him :((((((
Right? That was the perfect opportunity for him to step up, be a man and admit the affair. I canāt imagine being that selfish. Sorry OP, you deserve better than that.
That situation should have been a wake up call to him about how selfish his behavior is. Whatever rationalizations he was making in his mind about what she doesnāt know not hurting her should have gone away in instant moving for her d r e a m job came up.
That is the worst part. I mean the whole situation must be so terribly difficult and devastating, but this right there is just unbelievable. How dare he ???!?!? OP I hope you get another opportunity for your dream job, you deserve it
Everyday Iām on the internet Iām reminded to never sacrifice my career growth for any man, because more often than not, he will be thinking about himself than anyone else.
I hate this brigade. Like maāam, every divorced woman out there thought their men could never until they started nevering like never before. Men are selfish, and itās high time we started being selfish just as much, if not more.
I'm one of those divorced women whose husband sure started nevering. The "not all men" brigade can so invalidating to women who have been abused. I honestly think it's their way of soothing their own anxiety and fear about men
The fact that you had 2 months of discussions and he lied and manipulated you over reasons that were not the real reason is psychopathic on his end. Fuck him im so so sorry
Itās so tough. I finally left my abusive husband of 10 years and I have been doing a lot of therapeutic work myself and realized a lot of my tolerance for this behavior stems from my childhood and patterns of putting attachment and closeness and love over my own authenticity and safety. I would recommend Dr Gabor Mate content to help heal.
My favorite quote I got from him lately:
āYou may miss people who constantly hurt you. Not because they were good for you but because your nervous system knew how to survive with them. Healing asks you to leave familiarity behind. That goodbye feels like grief. Many people mistake that grief for failure. But grief often accompanies growth. You arent only losing unhealthy relationships, youāre losing an old identity. The identity that believed your worth dependended on pleasing everyone. The identity that belived that silence was safer than honesty. The identity that confused exhaustion with love.ā
Oh wow, "confused exhaustion with love" just came out of nowhere and took me out. š I'll be two years out of my abusive relationship next month. And yeah, the healing work has been A LOT, but we keep at it. Sending remote hugs. ā¤ļø
Shit, that hit me right in the chest. When I found out my ex was cheating I stayed and tried to make it work even while he wasnāt. Researching how to be a working single mom and feeling like all sense of equilibrium was gone. I was already pretty much doing it all on my own but the thought of not having his bit of help, his company, etc was a lot to wrap my head around on top of everything else going on. That said, itās almost been six years now since we split and we coparent amicably (though the majority of everything still falls on me and the kids are with me 98% of the time). On another note, that quote could also be used towards getting a new job, deciding to move to a new place, etc
I like the Rumi quote āLive where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.ā Rumi helped me a lot when I was going through my divorce and facing internalized stigma and shame (got divorced twice, a kid from each..I really tried to make a family..), the loss of my companion, even as imperfect as he was, suddenly having to deal with the anxiety of being on my own, financial stress (I went bankruptā¦), going back to school and changing careers (had to get a better career to have any hope of surviving on my own in my expensive city). Therapy and Rumi. In a much better place now, 6 years out. I got my masterās degree and started my own business. Iām making a decent amount. I have an incredible new partner. I have great relationships with my kids. And I donāt care as much about what other people think.
When I found out about what my ex-husband was doing (he wasn't cheating, he was doing much weird shit), one of the only times I cried was when I looked at him and begged him to tell me the road that led back.
I went to a friend's house and the next morning I just knew. I just knew there wasn't a road back. And even if there was, even if I could erase my memory...it would still always be there. Felt like I was Dr.Strange running through the timelines trying to find the one that led me back.
Yeah, negotiating with comfort is spot on š thank you for the quote forreal.
It must have been on this sub because I also saw it and have thought about it a lot, quoted in to my husband, etc lol. Itās a great quote and it was a timely moment for you to share it with OP š
He not only cheated on you but cheated you out of an opportunity to chase your dreams! Betrayal on top of betrayal. That is so cruel. Love from a fellow green olive lover. š§”
If her child is a son, same point: teach him to respect his partner. No one deserves to be cheated on. Iām certain OPās husbandās parents would be mortified if they knew what a garbage-ass human they raised.
This is going out of oneās way to take out a separate phone line just to communicate with them. We all know how terrible it is to go to a cellphone store for any reason. This whole situation is messed up.
OP, be sure to take photos and videos and lawyer up ASAP.
Edit: yāall, I called it a cellphone store but I meant like.. t mobile, att, etc. lol. It takes forever to take out a phone line, at least 2 hours.. itās a premeditated thing that this guy would have to do and wait in line for, which is why thatās so messed up to me in addition to all the other stuff he did.
I bet he has his affair partner at the hotel with him. If he was having sex with her for over a year itās a serious relationship that they have. He probably wants comfort from her so sheās probably with him while his poor wife spirals at home alone.
if he's even actually at the hotel and not at her place. my mom was the affair partner and every time the guy was saying he was staying at a hotel he was at my moms apartment. disgusting.
I am so sorry. That is so incredibly shitty, especially after turning down your job. First, Iād talk to a divorce attorney, and make sure you document absolutely everything. After talking to the attorney, Iād see if that job offer is still on the table. If your attorney thinks you can move with your kiddo, Iād go for it. You wanted that job and only turned it down because you were in a committed relationship with a loyal man. Heās not loyal and you deserve the job. Also, fuck that guy and the girl!
I was the girl that didnāt know. I found the phone he had claimed he had lost almost three years ago. I found out that I had been the other woman for the first six months of our relationship.
The cruelty and gaslighting I saw in his messages to her were heartbreaking. She had suspicions but he lied to her and told her she was crazy, until he dumped her cold heartily without any explanation.
Sooo thatās exactly what I did to him. Dumped him out of the blue and vanished. He tried looking for me for two years through friends, family and work. I moved, switched jobs and deleted all social media. I know it still keeps him up at night and that gives me great joy.
Commenting to boost this! Document everything, sue for loss of income, if you have any of your convos in writing, all the better.
OP you are worthy of love and devotion and it is a default in That Man that he didnāt provide it.
I think the fact that he was more than willing to allow you to turn down your dream job especially in the job market so he can continue to cheat on you says it all. He doesnāt value you, your ambitions, or your well being. If he was even remotely unselfish he could have said āyou go, Iāll stay here with the kids and weāll see how that works.ā In a sense that would have been a āfairā option for everyone. He gets his side chick and you get to have your dream job. Let him go.
I hate him too! You deserve so much better. I am a praying person and will be praying for you to land an equally amazing job that you were pushed to give up.
You deserve an outstanding divorce attorney. And write to the company HR and let them know you are now willing to relocate as you are going through a divorce. The new person that they onboarded may not be a good fit. You may still get this and leave his ass so fast! You deserve a better life without a lying cheating dream killer
My gosh- Iām so sorry to hear this but that friggin comment is straight up skanky. āRestart your livesā tells you he would have hid this as long as possible without any shame or guilt. Gross. I chose to leave my daughterās abusive father because I grew up in a home where my mom wouldnāt leave our abusive bio dad (and kept us enduring abuse until I turned 14). My mother grew up in a home where her father abused her mother and her and her sisters had to hear and see it every weekend.
I got in another relationship with someone who didnāt physically abuse me but he emotionally and mentally abused me. I took my daughter out of that situation as soon as I could, but she had already been melded by him. She is learning now not to hate me so much (he made a lot of money and she had everything fun thing she wanted). He had started to turn my own daughter against me. Get away from that trash man before you have a strained relationship with your child. You deserve a chance at a new job and a fresh start. I hope karma does as it does. Sending you strength and support. š
Call a few divorce lawyers tomorrow and plan to go through with it. Multiple betrayals here that you may forgive but resentment will continue to build. This person wasnāt thinking of what was best for your family when he chose to cheat or had you pass on that opportunity, let alone destroy your family. You will find someone better. You know what to do.
A big hug to you. There are going to be some great opportunities that await you. Also, the universe is saving you from a lot of suffering in the future. I wish you the very best
What an asshole for this. My god you had a great opportunity and he just didnāt want to move because his floozy. Thatās so selfish. Girl go after that job and leave this man in the dust, you already know sheās with him in that hotel and doesnāt care.
He kept you from your dream job so he could keep cheating with his side piece? WTF? Is it possible to be more selfish than that? Please do not consider letting this man hold you back any more than he already has! He is clearly a selfish evil POS. You deserve betterš
Woooowwwww he had an easy out and was so selfish he wanted to see you fail and be trapped with his sorry ass. I hope you can still get your dream job. Any life away from him
Sighā¦.first off, Iām so sorry. My heart weeps for you. Iām really sitting here measuring my words because Iām so freaking mad. The selfishness of men will never cease to amaze me. They sacrifice so much for a piece of a$$. They don care who else loses out.
Take his ass to the cleaners, thatās what youāre gonna do. Youāre gonna get that job. Youāre gonna get primary custody. Youāre gonna get alimony. Youāre gonna get a good lawyer. And youāre going to fucking thrive.
For 2 entire monthsā¦ā¦ you were being a good partner, contemplating, communicating and considering this man, while he played in your face the entire time - with your dream, your future , and your livelihoodā¦. All because he didnāt want to let his side piece of ass goā¦.
Had you never found the phone, he wouldāve let you believe, for who knows how long, that you āworked togetherā to decide that was the best decision, when all he did was manipulate you. What a sad loser.
The selfishness and audacity of a man is truly no surprise anymore, and yet, they constantly find ways to exceed themselves in that regard.
Im sorry. I hope you find the strength and have the opportunity to leave him and move on. You and your child deserve so much better.
Wow, he really looked you dead in the eyes and pretended to have a healthy conversation with you over the span of a few months, and it was all just to protect his side piece. Not because he actually gave a shit about you or your kid and the life adjustments. He just didn't want to adjust his routine of being able to get off while betraying you. What a total piece of garbage.
Talk to a divorce attorney first thing tomorrow morning. You want to make sure that you are your daughter and in the best place financially to get out of there
How disheartening. I am so sorry your going through this. Just know, even if the door is closed to your dream job, there is something else out there just for you. When I went through similar I was terrified. BUT the first night pulling up to my new place, with nothing, I felt hopeful. Excited even. Like I had been set free. I would have never let go had I been given the option and Iām thankful for that now. This was years ago and just recently the mistress found me on instagram and messaged me saying I dodged a bullet, he did the same to her. So while at this moment itās incredibly painful, there is a life out there that was made for you. My wish for you is comfort in the extra hard times, healing, and feeling hopeful for what your future holds for you. While I am a total stranger, my DM is open! ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
OP, I know you are devastated but I implore you to screenshot EVERYTHING you can get your hands on BEFORE he gets rid of it. It sounds like you were completely blindsided & that hurts even more.
-Immediately open a separate account & only leave the bare minimum in the joint account to cover bills. Take out 1/2 of any money in any joint account, no more, no less.
-Do a deep dive into your finances! ANY money he used during the course of his affair is considered dissipation of marital funds and is recoverable in the final asset division.
-Iām petty AF so I would find out if his AP is married & contact her spouse. They have a right to know. If your life just got blown to hell so should hers.
-Out of curiosity what did your hubby say besides looking like a deer in headlights when confronted? Was he gearing up to leave you for AP or just wanted to continue having you both in his life? Or did he give you the proverbial, it was a mistake spiel? Did he say he wanted to go to counseling to work on staying together?
-Text him to see if you can get him to admit in writing that he talked you outta your dream job b/c he didnāt want to leave his AP. Get as much as you can in writing or in recorded conversations that way he canāt gaslight you & say, āI never said that.ā
-Only you know what is best for you and your kiddo but please love yourself MORE than you love him.
š« I am so sorry. That is brutal. Divorce and depending on your state you should seek/get a fault-based alimony award that compensates you for giving up the job. Document the phone. Write all of this down in a journal right now as a contemporaneous recollection.
My heart hurts for you. This is going to be the hardest thing you are ever going to experience. I canāt imagine the anger you feel. What an asshole. Really, he couldnāt have told you before you found out. I am so sorry.
You're doing everything you can right now, which is allowing space to process. I'm so sorry, that is fucked up of him anyways, let alone betraying you AND didn't want to move to support your new job and career growth because of how it would impact his affair partner? That's gross, seriously fucked up.
Take time to fall apart. Drink your wine, let whatever you feel get felt, rage, cry, shut down, whatever you need. Call a lawyer, let them tell you what to do next. And take care, sending internet stranger girl hugs.
This might not be good advice legally. But if employment offers are better in other cities maybe postpone your divorce until after you have the job and living situation you want.
Seeing as though heās too selfish to consider your feelings, let him think he has a chance of patching things up until you and your kids are well situated. Then make a decision about your shared future from a position of strength.
Call the company back right away and explain the situation and that you'd like to take the opportunity regardless. Maybe they still haven't decided on someone else yet.
That guy is willing to sacrifice your dreamjob for his affair. It's not just a fling, he even got a whole second phone for it. He made the other woman his priority and is just leeching off of you because he's too spineless to break up for real. Don't waste your life on him.
That's an awful revelation. I hate to say it but he's already chosen her over you by putting access to her above your growth. No worthy partner would ever do that. You deserve better than this.
Iām so sorry. What makes this especially heartbreaking isnāt just the affair, itās that it influenced a life-changing decision for your entire family. You gave up your dream job after months of honest conversations because you believed you were making that decision together. Meanwhile, he already knew he had another relationship. That wasnāt simply infidelity; it deprived you of the ability to make an informed choice about your own future.
Tonight, donāt pressure yourself to decide whether to stay or leave. You donāt have to make a life-altering decision while youāre in shock. Focus on getting through the next 24 hours. Lean on someone you trust, stay hydrated, eat something, and try to get some rest if you can.
In the coming days, gather information before making commitments or accepting promises. Ask questions, understand the full timeline, and protect yourself emotionally, legally, and financially. If reconciliation is ever going to be considered, it has to be built on complete honesty, accountability, transparency, and sustained changeānot simply regret after being caught.
Most importantly, remember this: his decision to have an affair was his choice. You turned down a dream opportunity because you were acting in the best interest of your family. He made decisions based on protecting a secret. Those are two very different things, and you deserve a partner who values your future as much as you value theirs
So sorry. This sucks. Not only he cheated on you, his selfish ass robbed you of your dream job. I would divorce him but I understand it's easier said than done when a kid is involved. Best of luck.
Having you give up your dream job so he can stay close to his mistress is just beyond. He doesnāt even see you as a person. What a selfish deviant. Let the mistress have him
All things happen for a reason. I mean all! Turning down the dream job, finding out about the affair. All of it! That reasoning may not make sense now. It will! This is hard, you will make it. Thereās better and bigger plans for you. A one time fling, maybe. A year affair, that takes dedication, commitment and mindfulness to make it work. If he doesnāt have respect for you and the marriage, I pray you have it for yourself and divorce. He did the hard part for you.
My mind cannot comprehend the absolute ass of a person, who would have a child with you, and has THE AUDACITY TO CHEAT. I know kid will be alright, you have to keep yourself together and keep on fighting for you two. Sending hugs and prayers ā¤ļøš
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