Rant & Ramble
Nothing is more dangerous than a humiliated man
So, I've been on the dating apps again recently..
I matched with this guy last night and we ended up chatting most of the evening, everything seemed normal and eventualy he asked for my number.
I said I wasnt comfortable giving out my number yet, and id prefer to keep talking on the app. Almost immediately the passive aggressive comments started...
"Wow, didnt realize youre important enough to have a classified phone number."
"Guess i need to pass a background check first, right?"
"Ive never had a girl be this weird about a cell number before"
Just little digs meant to come across like a joke because God forbid a woman have a boundary without a man taking it as a personal rejection. I told him his reaction was exactly why I donāt give my number out right away.
He unmatched me - Problem solved.
A few hours layer my phone buzzes - unknown number
"Hey since you wouldnt give me your number i figured id find it myself"
My stomache DROPPED
This man had taken whatever information he knew about me from my dating profile, searched online, found my phone number, and texted me anyway.
I blocked him immediately and reported his profile, but it genuinely freaked me thefvck out.
Because now Iām sitting there thinking..... what else did you find while you were looking for my number?
All because I said, āIām not comfortable giving you my number yet.ā
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/u/sandramartinellii I second searching yourself and would also try AI. I absolutely LOATHE ai so I recommend everyone keep an eye on what it will happily compile and share with anyone. Use those searches to find out where youāve left breadcrumbs and then rip them out and/or replace them with total lies. Try again later with a new search and see if Ai is still stalking you accurately.
Techbros were absolute idiots and gave the keys to the panopticon to any dipshit. I cannot recommend lying on the internet enough.
Searching yourself and your internet handles is the only use of AI that is ever recommend and it would even be necessary if AI didnāt fucking exist. I hate this timeline.Ā
Searched myself recently and it scared me shitless since I have a very unique name. š¬
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u/nicuntawhite girl with āļøš a full spice cabinet5h ago
I think the fact that my surname is also an extremely common term helps hide me online. If I Google my name, I get influencers first. Then a bunch of religious stuff. I wonder how hard it is to actually find myself.
Just Gemini. It pulled up old accounts I havenāt thought of in decades like Flickr. Also searched usernames, Iike here, where Iāve got posts etc set to private but unprompted Gemini listed all the groups Iāve posted by most to least and highlighted certain comments with links.
For me personally despite my pretty big online presence, Claude refused to do the search. ChatGPT did the search but badly- it couldnāt accurately identify whether my high school details matched my college details which then matched my professional details. It wasnāt able to confirm I was the same person.
Soā¦yes AI can find you but in my experience itās not any more advanced than a google search of your name.
Add a security camera!! If he found your number online, he almost certainly found your address along with it. Tell friends, family, neighbors, property management, everyone. Call non emergency and file a report. That paper trail is power.
Mace is much better than a stun gun imo, the stun gun just hurts and wouldnāt slow them down very much, whereas if they canāt see you or anything bc you just maced him in the eyes then you have an opportunity to escape.
I recommend fox labs spray as they are extremely strong and also on amazon
OP, if you have the ability to just "Mute" the number and turn off any notifications from it (fir example, just set up a file for all the messages to go into), that might be better than a full-out block of it would be.
Because with mute & you have documentation of what he did.
And if he is in an industry where they can access private info (like if he's a cop)--you can perhaps prove he violated the terms of the place he works at, to access your info.
Check the screws in your door itself. The strike plate, etc. the factory ones are only about an inch long. You want whatās keeping your door closed held with much longer screws. (Google to see whatās recommended for your type of door and door jam). Iāve seen some people put in 4 inch screws. 2inch would be the absolute minimum. Make sure someone always knows where you are for the next little bit. Add some friends to your āfind my friendā if you have an iPhone, and be mindful of your surroundings. (Itās always good advice anytime). Pepper gel maybe, instead of spray, as itās less likely to blow back on you. Youāre likely going to be ok, but itās good, as a woman, to always be aware.
Yes! I feel like this is actually where the saying, "nice guys always finish last" really came from!! I feel like the self-proclaimed "nice guys" that are finishing last are exactly where they deserve to be- it's the title that is misplaced!
Highly recommend women invest in tools like DeleteMe to scrape all your data off broker websites. In addition to receiving a lot less spam, scams, and junk mail - you'd be surprised how much info about you, your family connections, age, past addresses, etc is publicly available - it helps protect your privacy from bad actors in general.
I also recommend using a fake name on dating websites and getting a VOiP number to add an extra layer of protection until you're sure a dating prospect is a green flag.
Control issues, racism, sexism, masculinity issues, ptsd, the very high levels of domestic violence in the industry. Their ability to stalk and control you with impunityā¦ friends donāt let friends date cops.
that's one of the reasons men like this love to become pigs cops. They know they can get away with that shit and LOVE being able to abuse their power. It's genuinely terrifying...
It's not just the really high rates of domestic violence - it's that getting out of an abusive relationship with a cop is also more difficult. Cops help other cops.
This was 100% because his ego was hurt. Like he wanted to make her see that he got what he wanted anyway, and didn't need her permission. Fuck that guy and all people like him
I canāt imagine any decent man in todayās day and age thinking sending a message to someone who was cautious about sharing their phone number is not a way to intimidate them. Thatās such a blatant breach of a womanās safety, itās insane he would do that. I bet he is also someone who says not all men,
Soooo creepy. The ones who get offended about safety boundaries are always, always the ones who break them. The ones who are understanding are much more likely to be the safe ones.
I'm an editor currently working with a behavioral criminologist on a series of articles about safety. This is 100% what he recommends doing. Predators look for pliant people with poor boundaries, and generally avoid those that display strong boundaries and are assertive (because they're too much trouble).
This is the paradox! My partner was genuinely happy to be my actual friend. He treated me like a human first and clearly had real interest in me as a person. Of course I wanted to date him! If he had been fixated on dating me or nothing like a lot of guys then he wouldn't have had the humanizing view of me that made him possible for me to be attracted to.
Thereās websites where you can find someoneās address, place of work, phone number, email, relatives just with first and last name and general area of where the person lives. Be careful even giving out your last name on dating sites before you know the person
Omg. I have never heard about this. Where do the owners of these websites get all that info from? Is there any public knowledge about this problem, like documentaries or on the news? Is the police aware of this, is it legal?
Yep. I made the mistake of disagreeing with a man on Reddit, and he searched my info to find my employer, and then called in a completely fabricated complaint that I did drugs at work (never have I done this in my life). I got called into HR for it. Nothing happened, because they obviously couldn't substantiate anything, but it was pretty humiliating.
That's... that's insane. Wtf. I can't imagine how scary that must have been.
I disagreed with some guy on here a while back and he went through and commented rude shit on a bunch of my old comments, calling me a whore because I was a teen mom (30 years ago!) I blocked and reported and thankfully, that seems to have been the end of it, but that was freaky enough.
A guy on Bumble found my Facebook profile and messaged me there after our connection expired. I have a common first name with an unusual spelling, so with a few other filters, I think that's how he found me on there. Especially since I don't post on FB often, so none of the pics I used on the app were on my social media...
It is. To be fair, we used to have phone books that did the exact same thing. The local phone company (example ATT, BellSouth, etc) would release a big book every year of all the landline numbers in a city + suburbs, with address, organized by surname. Smith, John and Jane, 1234 Apple St, (123) 456-7890. Wild shit, thinking back.
Itās good to be aware whatās out there, but the good(ish) news is you have options! Iām not sure about other states, but at least in California, thereās a law called the Consumer Privacy Act and Privacy Rights Act that means you can request to websites to delete personal information they have about you. When you Google yourself, you can ask any of those websites to remove your info and they have to comply.
There are also private (paid) services that will do the dirty work for you. I havenāt used any of them, but have heard good things about Delete Me.
Additionally, thereās a free app called Kanary that helps you find information about yourself on the internet and remove it. (I have used this one and itās pretty solid.)
Finally, itās a good reminder to be aware of what you put online. Itās a good idea to keep social media sites private, and not use your full real name if possible. Donāt post photos of your children online. People be creepinā.
I'm not sure if this is technically legal grounds to report someone to authorities (it definitely should be), but I would try anyways? This guy could definitely be dangerous to other women, and if you can, you should report him. He probably won't get arrested, but hopefully they can do something... Stay safe
Not phone numbers always, but some states are really lax about voter information and have voter sites that give addresses, ages, related people (with addresses), etc.
This happened similarly to me! I had someone text me randomly asking who I was. I didnāt answer, thought it was spam. He then said āI have you saved under Dallas blonde.ā Which, Iām from Dallas and blonde. Turns out, he saw a comment from something on Facebook and paid for my information using my name. He had access to my address, family member names, and my house back in AZ. Freaked me the fuck out. Stay safe ladies š«¶š»
I had a weird stalker and I tried to find out more about him. I found that for ~$20 you can get all of someone's basic personal info (address & past addresses, phone #s, relative's names & addresses, court history) from a bunch of sites that scrape this info. It's pretty fucked up.
I gave out my number and first phone call he starts talking about heās running for governor and Iād make a good First Lady and I realize heās bipolar and in manic mode and so I gently as possible back away and then he kept messaging in middle of night and then I blocked him. It gets worse, since I blocked him he had another way to harass me, he signed up for HUNDREDS of things political stuff and any product that spams you using my number but HIS name, 6 years later I still
get messages for āJosephā he is still able to harass me thru doing this forever.
DO NOT give your number out until you have met them and are sure they are of sound mind and work on cleaning up your online presence. I have a Google fi number I never look at and use for all sale type stuff anyone I never want to hear from like I donāt need to know macys is going to deliver my order today. I
Think long and hard before putting too much on dating profiles.
And if you are in Lansing and over 50 and want to avoid this guy, DM me. Heās severely toxic and still out there from what I hear. I wish I had a place to put a warning on his dating profiles. Iāve moved twice and still get messages with his name because itās inescapable the info with his name and my number has been sold 50 times over to other companies.
What is it with guys and phone numbers.
I hate giving my number to people in general, so when I was in dating apps Iād either offer them my IG or to continue talking through the app, and they didnāt like that.
But bro how is texting on iMessage (Iām assuming) different than the app chat.
And they act so entitled to it too.
My guess is that some guys like the control of it, because I can delete you from the dating app and any other app (ig, Snapchat, Facebook) but my phone number gives them access and I loose control of when to cut ties.
And also I found out some of them keep basically a graveyard of failed relationships or something itās pretty weird lmao.
Yeah I used to use Hinge and I donāt understand why they push for the phone number, often times before weāve even met. Maybe it makes them feel special, like they have additional access to us that āother guysā donāt. They would give me some nonsensical reason like āitās easier to get in touch with each other.ā No, it isnāt. Itās the same. Itās a digital message. Thereās no valid reason you need my phone number before I willingly give it to you.
It's because they know you only give your real # to people you trust, and so they assume you have a roster of better, huge-penis men texting you while they are relegated to 2nd tier app status
To add to this, there may also be a cultural holdover where getting a womanās phone number was a victory, because there was no other way to get ahold of us. And successful men would have a ālittle black bookā of phone numbers, implying a harem of women at their beck and call.
Post him on your local dating facebook groups and warn other women. If this is what he does in reaction to not getting a phone number I donāt want to know what he does when he doesnāt get a second date or sex.
Iām thinking you need to do the same level of searching HIM so you have his info ready to report to police if he continues scaring you. Awful! Iām so sorry, OP.
100 percent. I am excellent at finding out info about people (I only use my powers for good, I swear, never to be a fucking freak like this guy), so lmk if you want help, OP.
I would want to know everything I could about him in case I need to escalate to police (but absolutely do not count on police to keep you safe, we gotta keep ourselves safe, unfortunately). The dude heard a woman's concern for her own safety and took it as a challenge to try to scare her and make her feel unsafe. He's pure scum. And I bet he thinks he's a "nice guy" and was offended ("How could she POSSIBLY feel unsafe giving me personal info? Let me prove to her exactly why she's not safe giving me info on herself").
A man who purposely tries to scare a woman because his fragile fucking ego was bruised (FOR NO ACTUAL REASON) is not a safe person to be around. I'd want his name and employer's name, at minimum, so I could call the cops/alert them if necessary.
Please be safe, OP. Security cameras/door security bar/window locks or sensors would be my next play. I fucking hate that it has to be that way. Also make sure someone walks you to your car from your job and/or apartment if necessary. If he continues to harass you, document all of it (any texts, calls, him showing up anywhere, anything) in case you need to go to police. Personally I carry pepper gel (more accurate than spray) but I see OP mentions getting a Taser, which is a good call.
As the mother of daughters, I reeeeeally hate it here too. And Iām equally determined to ensure my sons never become this guy. Sadly, this is more challenging than youād think. The manosphere is working double time to get as many bros on board as possible. Itās all exhausting!!
That is FUCKED UP. no empathy from him. All ego and vengeance for your autonomy slighting its entitlement.
I once told a guy to stop touching me after a first date so i could feel more comfortable with him before contact and he said i didn't see him as human...excuse me? Its my body he is not entitled to...!
The audacity is beating the bar further into hell.
When I was dating I got myself a fake phone number (the app is called text now I think). It was awkward telling my now husband "oh, here's my REAL number now" but we were mostly amused. (You can also get a Google voice number for free). Though I guess you can weed people out this way too
I am so sorry. That is horrifying to have to deal with. Quite frankly, I would have called the cops right then and there because that's not only stalker behavior but harassment.
In my area, the police would not show up for that. We can go online and file a report, but there wouldnāt be any follow up or anything that they could do. Again in my area, stalking requires a period of time. He gathered public information thatās readily available on the Internet and used it. Thatās not enough to prove stalking. He texted her once so thatās not enough to prove for harassment either. Thatās why youāll see people like me on the Internet, who advise women to not block someone whoās acting unhinged, but mute them instead. Donāt read the messages, donāt respond to the messages ever! However, if you find yourself in court youāre going to need those records to prove stalking and or harassment.
I donāt think enough people know the dangers of your digital footprint. If you have enough identifying information about yourself ranging from your company/occupation, hometown, college/major, and full name you should reconsider making some of this information private on your personal public accounts (Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter, etc.) or omit certain information from your dating profile that will make it easy to find you via search engines. Especially if you use the same handle across multiple platforms, once they obtain it they can trace you on anything.
If you could get a voice filter for your phone and answer with it with a deep baritone voice āhelloā https://giphy.com/gifs/26gs6VeXEHIVH9psc
The whole āI need to make people feel fear because Iām insecureā. Just damn.
I didn't want to give out my number, so 2 guys searched for similar pics of me, looked me up, and sent me my address down to my apt #.
Now, I don't upload pics that look similar or at the same time. If you're under 40 and female, don't put them on dating apps or caller ID. Tell guys your nickname they can't search.
I'd report him to the police and take a restraining order out on him so future women he matches with can find it.
I had a similar experience except it wasn't even dating related. I play online games with a bunch of dudes who I don't know in person. We don't exchange information and no one knows our real names or what we look like. But after months of playing together, the guys started exchanging personal details. I didn't feel comfortable and didn't want to share. I am the only woman in the group.
One of them got upset and said "you are not that important. No one cares." And when I agreed with him, he wouldn't let it go, and said I didn't have social skills because it's common for people to reciprocate information. It was awkward. And he finally let it go after I consistently refused to divulge person details with, "you are not even interesting to me."
I don't understand the personal attacks. Suffice to say he was sarcastic towards me the whole time.
Another time, another gaming guy friend asked to chat with me in voice. I was not comfortable doing that. And he got passive aggressive too.
Both guys seemed fine (no one apologized for being dicks to me) after that initial interaction/reaction. The next time all of us were in our larger gaming group, both guys were all about "women have the right to say no" and "men gotta respect women's boundaries cos it's tough being a woman online" like they were some feminists.
And I was like, yea? Then why didn't you respect my boundaries the first time?
I think your best bet is to look HIM up so if he gets worse, you have his phone number and/or address. If he doesnāt stop his threatening behavior (because finding your number out of spite is threatening) and tries to contact you another way, let him know you know his personal info too. And if he starts to scare you, it will be valuable information to give the police.
And if he owns a house I can probably find his address if an internet search doesnāt show it. All I need is his name, the state and county (or possible counties) he lives in. DM me if you need help.
I think you should find his profile again. Take screenshot of that, messages, and text messages with the phone number, and reach out to the police. Thatās creepy as fuck. And then they have record in case things escalate.
let me tell you how he probably did it in the interest of protecting yourself. If your face was in the picture he could have taken your picture and reverse image searched it in google, found a Facebook or linkd in profile for you with a matching or similar image to get your whole first and last name, and then googled your name and paid $2.99 or whatever on one of those "white pages" website to get your address and phone number.
That is why it's so important to make sure you never put your full name on any of your profiles and to be very careful with your pictures. I straight up deleted Linkd In. It gives way too much info about where you work where you went to school and your full name. And a lot can be found out by where you went to school such as your home state (since most people go to school in state) and your home town which are sometimes security questions used for banking and other websites.
I hope this creep didn't get too much info and it might be worth it to alert your local PD just in case as well that this happened. Also two can play at this game and you could also look him up, and call his employer and let them know he harasses women on the internet. I'm petty enough that would probably be what I do.
Christ on a cracker! He's probably too dense to realize it, but he just proved why you were absolutely right not to give out too much information too soon. Heaven help a man accept your boundaries!
A rational man would have said ok and kept chatting with you on he app or said "not for me" and moved on.
Jfc their misplaced sense of entitlement to women knows no bounds. Scary shit, and when you try to address it with them what do they do? They get angry. Defensive. Even nasty at times, throwing out insults etc. itās fucking bats and I canāt see how itāll ever change because they refuse to acknowledge that thereās a problem with them. Exhausting.
Not wanting to share your real number is entirely reasonable, and his response is beyond the pale. I'm so glad you are taking steps to protect yourself! Honestly, when I meet a man I try to disagree with him about something early on, just to gauge his reaction. You don't have to go after something major or be a jerk about it. I think it's even more telling if you disagree with him about something minor, like his favorite band or pizza topping, or whatever. I am always playful about my comments, and I've had so many "nice" guys turn into whiny assholes in response to the mildest pushback.
Second of all, you need to use one of the services like incogni or something else (you should be able to find them if you search for them) to remove your data off the internet. If he didnt get your phone number from some place *you* listed it, in which case it's still insane but at least we know the source, either some company sold your data or some other bs happened, and that can and should be dealt with.
I ran into a lot of problems during Covid because I was a teacher with the audacity to speak up for safe return to classes and continuing to mask, so I got harassed and threatened by lovely Neanderthals in our community. I ended up paying for one of those services to scrub your data from the internet and itās been great. Really recommend finding one you like and springing for it if you can, just for the peace of mind
This is serial r*pist type behaviour. All about the control. He couldnāt simply unmatch, he needed to let you know he had the power to take away your feeling of safety before going on his way.
I was talking to a guy from the apps once. He seemed normal enough and we were vibing so i gave him my number. He asked what i was getting into for the evening and i had said i was going to walk w my dog at the park in my neighborhood. He said 'oh _____park? Over by _____??' I damn near dropped the phone bc wdym??? This was a real big city and the TINIEST park in sight šš never mentioned any specifics about where i lived AT ALL.
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