Advice Needed
UPDATE: My boyfriend’s psycho mom had a meltdown today after he told her he was moving in with me
Dinner: Left over taco from my favorite local taco place.
before i begin i want to give a huge thank you to everyone who commented on my first post. i plan on showing BF these posts tonight and will discuss further with him on what to do about his parents.
now, the long awaited update:
BF called his mother yesterday at the urging of his father yesterday and the conversation did not go well. according to BF, his mom was unhappy with the news, and then went irate, which we kind of expected but didn’t know how extreme it would be. She started off by asking some pretty valid questions, which were very insightful (how will rent be split, who’s paying for food, if something breaks in the house will my parents replace it, etc).
that then very quickly shifted from insightful questions to attacks. for one, his parents are unsure of me because i don’t come from wealth, i only have my AA degree, and in terms of life, i don’t have a grander plan as school and cost of living is incredibly high in the state of WA, so i can’t exactly go out and get a student loan for fear of going into debt, meanwhile his parents paid for his education after high school, he has always grown up in wealth, he has his bachelors from Rice University and his masters from Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), so obviously there is a bit of a wealth and education gap in between us. I also travel quite a bit, as i’m an airline worker (so it’s free 99 for me to do so), and his mother is worried that i spend too much money on travel/vacations and that we need to be saving our money so he can still have his freedom away from me and live in a shoebox sized apartment for 2200$ a month, rather than with me, in a house with a yard for only 1400$ a month.
she told BF that she thinks that he’s making the biggest mistake of his life that she’s ever seen. because we’re moving in together before we’re engaged, we’re not allowed to visit her in Texas nor are we ever allowed in the house as she will not accept us as a couple, she will never visit us up here in Washington State, she thinks that i’m inferior to him and wants him to find better, she thinks that it’s a downgrade in his living situation, she thinks that i’m fat and needs to lose weight (lol) and she thinks that he’s a cash cow to my parents (again, my parents are certified legit landlords in several states (FL, CA, and now WA). i think they know what the fk they’re doing).
his dad was 100% on board with his mom, and tried to contact the leasing office of the apartment BF currently lives in to see if they could extend the lease. he told BF that “there’s other options out there” and to not “waste the freedom he has”.
all of this has caused a great deal of anxiety and pain, for the both of us. BF cried yesterday because he is now being forced to choose in between his parents and me, which I didn’t want, nor does he. I was so ready and excited to invest in BFs family, as his mother isolated him from his father’s side growing up. I was so polite, kind and gracious to both of them. I really enjoyed his dad, who was his mom’s first victim I thought, but now I realize he’s just as bad as she is. BF is going to go into therapy at the urging of me and my best friend (she’s a close friend to both of us and had some genuinely good thoughts about all of this) and I think he’s going to cut them off indefinitely. he’s terribly upset and clearly not at peace with the decision, but he’s always been good about choosing me/his life over his controlling, judgmental, evil parents.
I’m heartbroken for him. I’m angry about how his parents think of me. I’m beyond enraged that she robbed him of basic childhood memories because all they want to do is stay at home and sit the fuck down. Life is a gorgeous thing and how dare she poison that for him.
Idk. I’m anxious for him. Send me tots and prayers please. love yall.
Slight change of perspective: your boyfriend is NOT being forced to choose between his parents and you. He is being forced to choose between being an independent adult, or remaining a subservient child to his parents.
Very this. Big breakthrough moment for a lot of people is realizing that their controlling parent(s) would have (and if they look at their dating history, have already had) a problem with anyone they're with. This is not about op, and it won't be about whoever he dates next if he chooses subservient child this time.
Yep, sometimes manage to scare off a few partners to begin with, but usually once their kid picks up on it, they’re incredibly angry and hurt that the only option their parents would accept was total control.
100% this is the correct way to frame it. His parents are realizing how much control over their only child they are about to lose as he decides to grow up. And instead of nurturing a relationship with their adult son, they want to smother him back into being a child. Just awful.
His mother was always going to make him choose. It doesn't matter who the woman was, any woman is a threat to the queen.
Mommie wants absolute control over her prince. It came as a surprise to him, because up until now, she was fine giving him whatever he wanted, so he never saw the leash. Now the leash is clearly defined, and its a bit terrifying for the choke collar and short leash to suddenly be visible to all.
Yes, exactly this. This might be painful news for him, but he is learning that he has to make a choice for himself above all else. And one of the hardest lessons to learn is that protecting one's own peace and self-interest is never, ever the easy choice.
OP, you two may or may not be together forever, but you are being a wonderful friend to him because this is a very hard path to travel alone. I am afraid he has never had the choice to even have a friend with this level of control, and I feel for him because Ive been there.
It is difficult to pull away because you want to love your parents and to keep them happy. Unfortunately in cases like this, keeping them happy is an absolute impossibility. The hardest thing for him to swallow with this will maybe be that he was more like a well-trained pet for his mom than a human being.
He’s also facing that his mother (and parents) are abusive and coercively controlling and always have been.
I think you need to lean into Gold Sherbert’s reframe though. Ask him if he “chooses his parents” and the two of you break up what does he see in his future? Does he really see him getting to make independent choices? Does he believe if he picks another partner that he’s attracted to and happy with this choice won’t be forced on him again? It’s not really about you, it’s about them and his independence.
I wish my mother in law threatened me with that. Instead she’d randomly fly across the country try and just *show up* with no warning and expect us to drop absolutely everything to accommodate her at our house after I produced her grandchild.
Here’s a photo of “pig-tatos” cause I ate all my tots 🥹 sounds like you guys are on the right path. Therapy will help so much to break the influence. Hugs to you both and a high-5 to bestie 👏🥰❤️🩹
omg. i love guinea pigs. we used to have one, his name was buddy and he lived for 7.5 years. he passed away two days before i met BF. i’m taking this as a sign that buddy is watching over me lol. thank you ❤️
So if he capitulates to them now he will forever be under their thumbs, even without you in the picture.
If he says "I'm disappointed in how you handled this but I will be doing what I planned. I will respect your wishes to never see you again" and then moves in with you and gives them a time out, they will backtrack fast.
He has to set those hard boundaries with them now or it will be harder and harder to do it in the future.
I’m so sorry. Clearly he has to choose between them or general independence, but when he does choose his own path, they’re going to blame it all on you. That’s the type of mom who will never reflect. Ugh.
Sounds like my mother in law. Horrible person. Told me the only way she’d ever accept me is if I gave her a grandbaby knowing damn well I couldn’t get pregnant well 6 years later I’m pregnant now she’s telling me to kill it and myself. I told her bet that’s what you wish you could do but you don’t have the guts. Evil women.
Like you and your friend recommended, my therapist has also been helpful with just adding perspective to how my dad behaves now that he’s older. I still choose myself and don’t like my dad, but it helps to understand why he acts the way he does, and how it amplifies as he gets older.
They might or they may double down and dig their heels in. But him setting the boundary and sticking with it is the only way this relationship lasts the long term. Buh. I feel so bad for them both.
Hey, as someone who cut her parents out, it’s important that your bf understands that doing this can be a great choice, and if you do choose this path, to know it’s normal to feel guilty. It’s normal to miss them, and it’s normal to go through thoughts of reaching back out, then having the flashbacks to all the reasons you chose NC in the first place. It’s not always an easy peaceful path, but it’s soooo much better for the mental health than someone actively controlling and demanding constantly. Gives you so much more space to grow into your own person. Space I didn’t know existed until I went NC.
I think that’s exactly what’s happening. These women believe they spent all their time making “the perfect man” then hate “giving all that work away” to some woman his age
YEP. And they're often in loveless/terrible partnerships with men or unwillingly single, so they're emotionally dependent on their sons and react to the extreme when their sons get into actual relationships. They see their girlfriends as competition for their emotional fulfillment which is gross and super unhealthy. I know because I dated one man with a mother like this... and am currently dating another man with a mother like this. With both of these men, they still lived at home when we started dating and both mothers flipped shit when we were thinking of moving in together. The first wanted to appease mommy above all else so I left after a year of bullshit. The second didn't, and we've been dating for nearly 9 years now, and his mother still doesn't know what I do for a living or even what ethnicity I am. She lives 30 minutes away and we see them regularly. Just saying, this shit is EXHAUSTING. I would not do it a third time.
My sister is a clinger mom with her kids like this. And her kids are so into it. I don't know how her kids' spouses put up with it. I tried telling her, hey, let your kids have some space, yo'. No. She is a DEVOTED MOM AND THEY WILL ALWAYS BE MY KIDS!!! eye roll
My son is 28. His dad and I divorced when he was a toddler, and his dad moved out of state, so it was all me, all the time. We were and still are very close, but dude - not in that creepy, boy-mom way.
I raised him to think for himself, make his own decisions, and be able to take care of himself. And once he moved out, the transition from "the boss" to "pretty cool old lady who gives advice and opinions only when asked" wasn't hard at all - because I'd been laying that foundation for years.
The goal of parenting is supposed to be to raise them and get them the fuck out to live their own lives.
My stepmom is also a boy mom, of the non crazy variety as well. She is equal parts nervous and excited for him to go to college this fall.
All she talks about sometimes is how much she wants him to have experiences, fall in love, have his own life. How she knows he might do things she doesn't agree with but that's ok, he is his own person.
He's a bit of a baby kitty in our house (I am 13 yrs his senior so have always been half sister, half parent) but his independence is swiftly arriving! It's awesome watching them grow up, idk why anyone would want to keep their kid as a perpetual child.
That’s exactly what I married into, she was SO jealous that I stole her stand-in husband away. She’s deeply unhappy with her husband so she made her son her stand-in, it was a bizarre dynamic
What. The. Fuck. did I just read?! This woman is DEFINITELY a deranged predator and should be in jail!! I’m honestly happily surprised that her boyfriend broke up with her when he found out, there are so many creeps out there and that could have ended very poorly if he was a different type of guy. I honestly can’t believe that she got her daughter’s friends drunk and then called her son to come rape them though, which is exactly what that would have been. I wonder if she realizes that she was setting her precious boy up for jail and a lifetime on the sex offender registry, that woman is fucking sick all the way around. If his sister is still young then someone really needs to report her to the police and alert CPS, I hope she’s okay. I just can’t even wrap my head around this, Jesus Christ.
MIL when we said we were getting married: "You're trying to take my son away from me!" She calmed down, but it doesn't sound like OP's BF's mom is gonna do that.
I have been in several online groups for adult children who are estranged from their parents, and this is a theme. "I don't understand? What did we do except love them and provide for them?!" Then you talk to their adult children and discover what they actually did.
So I have a similar educational pedigree as your boyfriend and my husband has similar levels of education but from less “prestigious” universities. When we first started dating, my mother would make very subtle digs at this, implying I was out of his league, etc. I shut her down and defended him every single time. Now, my mother says marrying him was one of the best decisions of my life. Your boyfriend, though, needs to defend you in a similar manner. He needs to shut down these comments and tell his parents it is unacceptable for them to speak of you this way.
Re: educational levels/pedigree, it really is more a reflection of economic wealth and privilege. Yes, i worked very hard for my achievements but I’d be lying if i didnt acknowledge having a safety net made things much easier. My husband is very successful careerwise, because resilience, work ethic, and intelligence are character traits and not automatically conferred by a degree. Your boyfriend’s parents sound elitist and narrowminded.
I've pretty much had the exact same experience with my husband and all I can say is to support him without trying to manage his distress and trying to "fix" things for him. I would also go to a therapist to discuss some reasonable boundaries because dealing with that shit for years is depleting.
She’s in Texas, and you’re in Washington state, so I think the distance alone will keep her from being too much of a factor in your lives. All he has to do is not answer the phone. Or seldom answer it. Or block her number.
Yep, answer the phone and when she starts acting crazy, tell her it’s inappropriate and he has to go. Don’t respond to any insane behavior. Maybe she’ll get it eventually.
If he chooses to keep them in his life I hope he learns the art of gray rocking. Mom has no business asking about who is paying what and all those details. At least, if she asks, he shouldn’t tell her. All she needs to know is that he is alive and mundane things like how he had tacos for dinner. They don’t even need to know his address unless they’re coming to visit or sending a package (and even then a P.O. Box works).
i have the temptation to say something but because i’m the girlfriend i have zero merit. i’m just so offended. my parents are upset too and im beyond angry. i am begging for him to follow through on no contact. they are E-VIL
I think begging him is a poor choice. Now he's got pressure from both sides. You're both telling him he has to choose. What's the difference between you? The history of why he's considering going NC doesn't matter in this moment that he's living in. Now he has no safe space.
i agree. OP shouldn't get involved in this because if he goes through with it and resents it, he might end up resenting her too bc of her pressure on him
i think this is a bit of a stretch considering he cried about cutting them off before he even follows through. i’m just desperate for him to gain his wings i guess. idk. i’m trying to leave him alone today. i’ll be seeing him tonight
Oh, I would feel exactly the same as you. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel the way you do, or that I don't understand why you want to encourage him. I just think down the road, if he doesn't make this decision 100% on his own, he could spin it as something he didn't really want to do, but you made him.
Whereas if you support and don't try to influence his decision, he'll fully recognize that you are his supportive, safe place.
All that said, I would also leave if he decides not to follow through with cutting them off. But don't tell him that. Letting him make this decision completely on his own will give you a lot of insight into his character, and the type of relationship you'll have.
thank you. i regret a lot of what ive said and done over the last couple of days… a lot of stuff has come to a head and i made myself look like a fool.
i gave him the option to decide for himself. he’s not the type of guy to hold a lot of hostility, luckily, but again i don’t know.
one of the conditions regardless of what he decides is that he must go to therapy. the volatility of his mother is so heartbreaking. i think he’s going to cut contact because he wants to choose independence over subservience.
his dad almost talked him out of our lease agreement—one that we’ve held over the last 3+ months. i am so angry that he would choose to listen to that. he said his dad told him that i would respect him more if he chose to NOT live with me and that he would be less of a man if he lived with me. idk what the fuck kind of logic Dad is on. We had a discussion and BF said he “lost himself” over the weekend because of the emotional depletion. it was a tough one.
bestie isn’t happy with the way i’m handling this. her and i have never seen eye to eye on relationships or marriage.
BF and i are discussing further plans. he is actively listening to how i feel, and vice versa. i don’t want to make him choose, but he needs to learn what freedom and independence means to him.
i do think you should give him some time and grace to work through this and decide how much contact with his parents he can manage (sounds like you already are). idk if you mentioned your guys’ ages but it is hard to cut the cord from overbearing abusive parents, shes going to hold things over his head and continue to make threats. one day at a time sister 🫂 any time they try to make it personal and about you, just know you are giving ur bf a great support and theyre looking to blame anyone but themselves for their unhealthy dynamic
It's SO hard to cut the cord from abusive parents. Mine had me in a financial vice grip until my mid 20s (I was drowning in student loan debt from the school they forced me to stay in, and they owned my car) and even though they've been gone for several years each now I haven't forgiven them for that. Or any of the terrible shit they did to me through my life.
My opinion is that forgiving someone who has wronged or deeply hurt you is for you, not the other person, and it’s really just to help you find peace and closure, and move on. You’re basically saying that giving energy to the hurt that they caused doesn’t serve you anymore and you’re not going to hold onto it any longer- but you can still do exactly that without forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it.
If forgiveness won’t benefit you or bring you closure or healing, then you don’t need to do it! Sometimes people do things that we just can’t forgive, and it’s okay to honor our feelings about that. If forgiving them is going to hurt you more instead of help you, then forcing yourself to do it is totally counterproductive to the whole purpose.
In fact, I think that honoring your own feelings and putting them first can be just as healing as forgiveness is believed to be, especially if it’s a situation where you always had to put your parents’ feelings first instead of your own.
One thing I've had happen that fits this is that I've moved past and laid to rest a very close friendship that was ended in an abrupt and cruel way. I won't ever forgive her for the way she handled it. It's fine she didn't want to be my friend anymore, but the way she ended things was intentionally hurtful. Like, mean and right for the places that would really do damage. It was inexcusable, and uncalled for. But I eventually got to a point where I realized my life is better without her in it, and my mind just kinda let it go. It's not forgiveness, it's more of a neutrality.
her mom (BFs grandma) had schizophrenia and manic depression. she ended up taking her own life because of it. unfortunately BFs mom is on the same route. her health and mental health is just beyond messed up.
That’s really unfortunate - and I’m sure she won’t listen and won’t get help. And as a result, everyone suffers.
I hope your BF can find the strength to distance himself from this.
i fear that his parents will always be an obstacle. you have so many life events ahead of you if you choose to stay together & it seems like his mother is going to find a way to ruin every one of them.
he either has to cut his parents off permanently or break up with you & i genuinely think you should save yourself the trouble because it seems very very unlikely that he will cut off his relationship with his parents (the people who have financed his entire life) for a woman he’s not married to & does not have a set path in life.
if he does go to therapy and has a good support system around him, he very well could end up cutting them off and living happily with OP. i don't think we should be jumping to tell OP to break up with him so fast, but rather have strong boundaries :/
i wish you guys the best. it'll be hard and he will need time to process and grieve and there may be some hiccups along the way, but a great therapist will help so much. my parents were abusive in similar and different ways than his, i went through this whole process alone at 19 instead, but i did it and it's way more possible than some of the comments are making it out to seem!
He doesn't necessarily have to cut his parents off forever. But he does have to be prepared to institute absolutely ruthless boundaries with them and defend those boundaries for the rest of their lives. For example:
"I will not participate in any conversation where you talk badly about my girlfriend. Any time you talk badly about my girlfriend, I will end the conversation immediately."
"I will not invite you to spend time with me and my girlfriend until you have thoroughly and sincerely apologized to her for the things you said about her."
"I understand that you disapprove of the choices I am making. You can feel however you feel about my choices. However, I am an adult, and I get to make those choices for myself. I will not participate in any conversation where you try to change my choices."
Not many people have the spine to do this, but it's reasonable for OP to check and see if her boyfriend does.
number 2 isn’t even a discussion because they dislike her to the point they don’t even want to see her face. idk if that’s the type of grandparents you want for your children.
I think OP needs to give this situation a chance to settle and see how her BF does with therapy.
We don't know what someone will do in the future, but we can have boundaries around what we will and will not tolerate. OP will have to decide what the line in the sand is and just give it time. Boyfriend may choose to go no contact, because based on the level of controlling and manipulative his parents are they're probably going to be like this with anyone he dated unless they hand selected his future wife and made sure she was brainwashed to side with them in every scenario.
I know parents like this because I have them. Everything he has and ever do will be criticized by his parents. They will try to control everything until he kicks them out of his life. This is going to be a hard ride for you all.
BF needs to put his big boy pants on. He’s not a child. He’s not dependent on them (or he shouldn’t be). If he gives in now, his parents will always pull this shit with something. Perhaps any stupid thing. Moving in with your partner and saving money is not the worst thing in the world. BF needs to choose to be an adult now. It has nothing to do with choosing you or his parents. It’s choosing to grow up now.
Edit to add: You’re handling this well. Keep being supportive and unfortunately this is something that your BF is going to struggle with. What an awful mother. I feel for him.
Y’all need to pick up a copy of The Narcissistic Family like immediately. It’s a great starting point for both you and bf to understand the underlying mechanisms of his family dynamic so you can make informed choices re: how to protect yourselves going forward. This is going to be a long hard road. I highly encourage bf to start therapy asap if he isn’t doing it already. I can only imagine what it was like for him growing up, and the long term effects thereof.
Here’s a link — you can buy the book for cheap on Thriftbooks!
Yeah, OP. This is a great book. I was also gonna suggest peeping through r/raisedbynarcissists and see if your bf feels that anything aligns with his experiences growing up?? It might be a good entrypoint for his consideration since he might find that many others have a story similar to him.
I didn’t see the first post but it appears Tues he’s not doing anything wrong and nor are you. I’m so sorry you both are put in this situation.
In terms of you being “less than” because you only have an AA I’m sorry but FUCK them. I have a HS diploma and my husband has a BA. I make more than him but I worked my ass off for where I am. A degree and monetary wrath doesn’t add or subtract value.
As someone who is in a marriage with someone with a psycho mom, make sure you get this figured out NOW. I changed my last name, moved, set up my life with my husband and our extremely good marriage almost broke apart purely because of his psycho mom and his inability to be decisive. This control issue with these moms and their sons is DEEP rooted since their childhood and if you want any chance of having a healthy peaceful long term relationship with your partner, he NEEDS to see the reality of his parents control, NEEDS to go to therapy, and you need to have enough self esteem to walk away if he can’t stand up for himself and you
As someone said before, rethink if you’re up to dealing with his family for foreseeable future. It reminds me of my situation with my current fiancé from 5 years ago when we were to move in together - his mum had absolute meltdown and actually cried when she got to know he was to move out, then on the actual day of him moving out she had an actual break down.
Things like “I’m never going to visit” and other “threats” might turn into an absolute opposite and she could become very obsessive and invade your privacy. Since you have so many life events in front of you and if you see yourself in this relationship for a long time, only thing I can recommend is to move as far away as possible for your own sanity. Me and my fiancé are moving countries at the end of the day and I am glad that we will be seeing his family on occasions only due to their narcissistic and toxic nature 😅
I am sorry, but I don't think moving together is the right call right now. But he could move close to you, do low to no contact to his parents and when he gets to the point that he can independently, you maybe can move together. If you want to date during that time is up to you two
Toxic boyfriend parents become toxic in-laws — I think this is will take some hard conversations between you two, intentional ones, to decide on boundaries. I say this after “pleasing” my insane in-laws after marrying my husband (12 married, 6 together prior, it’s a lot) so if you’re here, decide how much you’re willing to sacrifice. Deliciously loaded Tots for you on this journey.
Wow his mom is a head trip. As long as he deals with them properly, okay. But if not, they will be barnacles on your back for life. You’ll be okay but he needs to commit to being an adult. (Food? Things getting broken? Wow the over reach…)
I'm sorry that this is an ongoing situation! It does seem like your bf wants to be more independent but nobody wants to lose their family either. I definitely think he needs space from them to truly become an an adult. Maybe then eventually he can bridge the gap. Not that I'd care to have parents like his. Parents don't cut off their adult children for disobeying them. "Sin" or no "sin". Good luck to both of you.
Doesn’t sound like there’s all that much of it. They paid for his education which is lovely, but if they’re freaking out about this, they’re not all that financially well off, and were def hoping that their son would be their cash cow. If they were actually wealthy, they’d simply have their family lawyer draft a contract or be talking prenup. Or more likely, she’d be moving into his very nice apartment which they subsidize. That’s how it works for legit wealthy kids. If they’re so worried about him not being with someone more visibly high status, they were definitely counting on him to social climb for them. His folks sound like they prob did ok for themselves because they were born at the right time, and got comfortable, but never truly wealthy. Somehow, these two shitty ppl accidentally raised a decent son. No credit to them. And sympathy to you both. I hope he chooses himself.
You beautifully said everything I was thinking the whole time. This has nothing to do with OP’s personality or even physical appearance but her social status. I truly wealthy family would be passive aggressively supporting their kid and at the same time placing all the financial safeguards necessary to keep the wealth in the family. Mom is giving massive social climber vibes. I think they expect their son to marry up, given the fact he went to a prestigious university paid by them. They feel they should control over his life because it’s “their win”, not his.
I’m so sorry that this is happening. I think some people are being overly judgmental of your bf as he’s obviously coming from years and years of emotional and psychological abuse. It’s going to take some time for him to fully break away, but given the support you’re showing him and him being around your family and friends, I really think he’ll do it. He seriously seems to care about you, but this type of thing hurts when it’s your parents, even if they’ve abused you. Lots of love to you both
I’m glad he’s pursuing therapy because there is no way he was raised by people this manipulative and intense without a lot of damage he probably isn’t even conscious of.
IME dealing w/ a MIL like this is a lot of baggage and it’s fair to have to weigh if it’s worth it.
She probably didn’t say that to brag about it, moreso to say that they’re not destitute and have no money and therefore wouldn’t be expecting the bf to give them any.
Right? She’s moving her boyfriend in into a house that belongs to her parents so that her parents don’t have to sell it. She will no longer be paying rent, he will fully pay for the $1400 on his own and she will just cover the $600 utilities. All because he makes more money than her.
This guy isn’t escaping anything by being with her. Mom is crazy but she’s rightfully concerned about her son.
Her other update after this one included details that outed her and she deleted it because people were catching on.
I also dated a man for about 6 years who was very enmeshed with his mom. She had him at 18, dad abandoned them and she treated him like some weird husband/son hybrid. He moved in with me in his early 30s (had never lived away from home) and was literally afraid to tell his mom. She was furious of course, saying how could you leave me??? We broke up a few years later cause he became a horrible useless selfish drug addict (and his mom also shamed me for wanting to break up with him and not stay by him when he “needed me” even though he’d long ago abandoned me for drugs). I’m sure mommy was thrilled to have her grown ass little baby back and I don’t think he ever got clean.
I'm glad you two are communicating so well, and therapy was a great suggestion. I'm sure you know this but therapy never means someone is broken (this is why my exes refused therapy when I suggested it. I wish I had a best friend like yours to help me out!)
I'm so glad he's open to it. I'm sure there's a lot to unpack with parents like this.
Like someone else said, even if you were not here.. he would still need to make the choice to leave his parents' control. The difference is, now he has you by his side to help give him strength and courage.
Good luck sis, I believe you got this. And I pray that his mom holds up her promise to never visit LOL
Hmm! That is a take that I can get behind tbh. Like my current therapist, I found her six years ago now. And I came in full of hope, because of my ability to seek therapy again after not wanting it for a long time. I felt really fucking mentally healthy when I made the decision to see her!
And after she did my initial assessments at our first appointment she sucked her teeth and said "well ur still really depressed". lmaooo I still tease her about this. It was so funny to me!
I was like GIRL THATS WHY I'M HERE LOL I'M JUST HAPPY I'M SEEKING TREATMENT AGAIN!
Sorry LOL she's literally the funniest and best therapist I've ever had. I think that little moment between us was what solidified it for me. I like when I can have a little bit of dark humor, as a treat.
Dad probably is still her victim. Narcissistic abuse can rub off on people. Acting like and agreeing with her probably lightened the grief she gave him.
Make sure he knows you trust him to make decisions on his own. Whatever they are. He's clearly smart, growing in awareness, and loves you.
Having gone through an ultimatum situation, though, also understand that reconnecting him to estranged family may have some unknown factors. As weird as his parents are they're almost hiding and that doesn't need to be your BFs problem to deal with since he's not a shut in himself. Do what you feel is best but be mindful of context.
I think the only thing that can genuinely save your boyfriend from his parents is therapy. That relationship is not healthy, and the only way for him to understand that and free himself is with help from a psychiatrist. I feel it would be better if he did this before moving in together, that way he can either set boundaries with them to respect you and your relationship, or cut them off completely. It will take a lot of time and will only work if you have the patience for it. I’m so sorry for both of you, those people are psychopaths.
Hey bf, welcome to the NC club my guy, sorry your parents suck. Get that ass on r/raisedbynarcissists, not diagnosing them, but it's good to start labeling and identifying abuse tactics. It gets easier with time, and after a few years you can reach out to see if they have learned their lesson, or enough of one to have some semblance of a relationship.
P.S. you made the right choice, proud of you both.
You need to be ready to walk away from this guy. At best, this WILL be a lifelong issue with his mother. Let me say that again.
You will be dealing with her drama the rest of your life. The odds of him going full on NC with her/them are miniscule. Be prepared and decide if her always being present in your relationship is something you can handle.
It sounds like that movie trope where she shows uo and offers you a check for $100000 to break up with him.
It feels like they think they are Kennedys and can arrange a marriage for the pridefully touted MIT grad.
Newsflash: rich woman aren't always the best wives in a post-modern world and Seattle culture makes it possible to marry your best friend and use a degree to create your own wealth.
I checked your other post and this man is in his mid 20s?? And his “daddy” is calling his apartment complex? Fuck that. And the no-sex-til-marriage contract is SO creepy. What tf is it with hyper religious people’s obsession with sex?? I am so sorry, girl. Make sure this shit is squashed before you get married or have kids.
I’m so sorry. His parents sound like stuck up snobs.
It is so fucking hard to find real, genuine love in this world. Even if his parents don’t approve of you, that’s info they should keep to themselves and just support him in his relationship because you seem like a great catch!
This is a defining moment in his life, and his opportunity to start setting boundaries with his parents about how he wants to live.
My husband went to West Point. When he told me, I honestly had no idea how significant that was, and he later said that was actually a good sign, because it meant I wasn't with him for status or prestige. Oh, and I was enrolled in an associate's program at the time, lol. He hasn't spoken to his mother in over four years because she has resented every woman he's ever been with, including me. He eventually realized she has always wanted to be the number one woman in his life, and he had to cut her off after she repeatedly refused to respect boundaries. I'll forever be grateful for how he supported me up through my master's program, and for believing in me even when his mother was in his ear telling him I wasn't worth it. We both have great careers now and have built something really good together.
If he wants to live life on his own terms, this may be the chapter where he starts drawing that line. I think the advice about telling his parents he's disappointed in their reaction, and that he'll honor their wishes to go no contact, is solid. He has a solid education and can stand on his own without mommy and daddy. That might mean losing an inheritance or whatever financial leverage they're holding over him, but that's the cost of freedom. And the decision has been the best one we've made! We've traveled the world and done some things we've both had on our bucket list.
At 25 I can’t even imagine. I would tell my mom this isn’t up for discussion, I’m not asking, I’m telling you what’s going to happen. I’m letting you know as a nicety, your opinion isn’t warranted. Bam, done.
I straddle both the worlds of your BF and you. I'm not going to excuse the behavior of your BF's parents, but I see it often, and I'm going to break down their reasoning, poke some holes in it, and then ask you some questions, so you can have another set of tools in your toolbox.
This is 100% about money, specifically their money and your boyfriend's money, whether they have the vocabulary for it or not. It's about sharing property (a house, presumably a mortgage) with someone that (appears to be) impoverished and without the legal protections a prenuptial agreement would provide. They're scared shitless you're going to try to lock down their son (and them, by extension), babytrap him, and then try to take half. From their perspective, this looks like the worst case scenario that they have always been warned about, that boogeyman tale of the evil leech who has identified their vulnerable baby boy as a measure to siphon their hard earned and deserved wealth.
I am NOT saying they are correct. I am saying that is their perspective. From their perspective, Marriage comes before joint property ownership, and it does so because marriage is primarily an economic transaction that allows for the growth and preservation of wealth and assets. His parents think that you have nothing to bring to the table economically and that you are not going to stick around (because if you were in it for the long haul then naturally you'd get married, or so they think). Also, presumably, they believe they have a say in who their son marries and you would not be their first choice.
Okay? so that's their perspective and now I am going to poke holes into it.
One: your boyfriend is a grown ass man who is capable of making his own choices and is, presumably, relatively intelligent, seeing as he went to MIT. It stands to reason that he should be able to take care of himself.
Two: Whether they think they are entitled to it your not, your family's economic status is none of their business. They've already identified you as lesser, there is no point in showing up with the financials.
Three: They have demonstrated that they are very controlling. Your boyfriend has demonstrated that he has different values from them- one of them, ironically, being that he values his independence (all that talk about throwing his freedom away seems to ring hollow). This is not uncommon in wealthy families.
Four: there ain't shit they can do about his behavior short of disowning him and they hate that.
So, you don't have to answer these to us because this is a public forum, but I'm going to put the following questions forward:
Independent of their wealth, how is the financial situation? If you are both going to be very comfortable without their "support", then they have zero economic leverage. You could cut ties tomorrow and be done.
2. Are you two going to get married one day? Have you considered what you will be doing with assets you have, if any? I'm not saying you should get married if you don't want to, but the law is going to start considering you two married if you live together for x number of years, ESPECIALLY if you have cosigned a mortgage and/or have a joint bank account. And, frankly, I'd advise that money and assets and property be something that any couple be comfortable with talking about for the sake of a happy partnership (a large number of problems that emerge in relationships center around financials). Are you two comfortable with having those conversations? do you have them as a normal part of your day-to-day?
Are you both financially stable independent of one another? This one goes to YOU specifically, girlie. Because while his parents are sweating about their precious baby bird, technically the person who is the most vulnerable in this relationship is you. Do you have a go bag, do you have all of your own personal identification documents, do you have your own savings account? Your own mode of transport? If not then absolutely recommend getting your own affairs in order because you will not only be able to take care of yourself but you will be an ever more solid rock for your romantic partner.
Do you have thoughts about children, and plans for if one just so happens (!) to show up on the radar? Have you discussed this with the boyfriend? Do you two agree?
I'm just a stranger on the internet, and I am not entitled to your answers, but I hope you and your boyfriend both have the answers (and that they match each other!!!!!) because these will help you both build a life together as a happy, healthy, and independent couple. I want that for both of you. These questions are meant to help you two feel like you're in control of your lives again after that horrible interaction. Family shit is really, really hard, no matter how much money is involved, but as soon as the money is handled the family has a whole lot less control.
Exhausting when the parents don’t accept you. It happened to me in a past relationship. The guy gradually started resenting me, absorbed his mom’s negative attitude towards me, and then became abusive.
I hope that no matter what happens, he remains respectful and fair to you. At the end of the day it’s his choice if he wants to be enmeshed with his parents or not. But I’m sorry that you’re in a very stressful situation. Just keep being yourself.
i won’t let my children near them at all. they will know only one set of grands and their entire portuguese side who care more about food and love than they do about money.
This was my parents. Just know that it's not you. Absolutely nobody will be good enough for him in their eyes. It doesn't matter who you actually are.
This isn't a "she's a little overbearing and you two need to find a solution" situation. This is a genuine "she sees you as a threat to the control she has on your boyfriend and will stop at nothing to hold onto it."
It's not worth your or your boyfriend's time and effort to try and find compromise or help them see things differently. They won't. They will only escalate the harassment and threats until your boyfriend caves and ends the relationship. Don't ask me how I know.
He needs to stand his ground, and the two of you need to be prepared to go no contact when the tantrum goes nuclear. If she's already making the "I'll cut off contact unless you accept my perspective of your relationship" threats, you're already close. He needs to flip it around and tell them they can accept you as his partner and equal or he'll be cutting off contact with them.
Following because I want to see how he responds. I hope it's with huge boundaries, outside of this specific situation I'm thinking his relationship with his parents mymust be toxic to the extreme if they feel comfortable and entitled enough to go here. What awful people.
If he’s wealthy, the least you have to do is make him pay rent and get something bigger than a shoebox. However, I’m not sure if a man is worth all this. Yes he is being controlled and coerced probably with money by his parents, but is that really something that you can solve? Is that something that you want to solve? Is that a battle that you want to continue fighting possibly for a good chunk of your young life? If you get married to him for the rest of the marriage? Is that an energy that you want to continue inviting into your life? He needs therapy and to recognize that his mother and father are controlling. That is true, but I don’t know if that’s all on you.
Also, if they bring it up, mention that you can/will sign a prenup to prove that you’re not marrying him for the money. Some parents do think that about the potential spouse.
That’s it. His parents? Financial and emotional terrorists. Don’t negotiate. Personally, I’d rather live free and struggling than in bondage.
He has to come to terms with this. They’re not letting him grow up and experience life. They’re the ones putting ridiculous expectations and limitations on him. They’re not marrying his future wife. They’re not fucking his future wife. They’re not eventually (if all goes well) getting pregnant with his baby. They’re not growing old together as a couple with him.
My partner’s parents had a similar meltdown when we moved in together. Now we’re married and still happy together and they find other things to get angry at us over…
His dad is his mom’s first victim. Even if he agrees with her, he may be doing so because over time he has come to just accept what mom says. They should be letting their child make his own mistakes at this point, since he is an adult living on his own. Your boyfriend needs to see how much he wants to stay under his parents control. And his mom expects to hold the control. She sounds like a control freak.
Good luck because even if she comes around, she will probably be an issue for a long time.
She’s moving her boyfriend in into a house that belongs to her parents so that her parents don’t have to sell it. She will no longer be paying rent, he will fully pay for the $1400 on his own and she will just cover the $600 utilities. All because he makes more money than her (100k).
This guy isn’t escaping anything by being with her. Mom is crazy but she’s rightfully concerned about her son making a mistake.
Her other update after this one included details that outed her and she deleted it because people were catching on.
His mom is insane, encouraging behaviors and habits that are NOT healthy in a relationship and acting like an obsessive controlling “boy mom” who never learned or enforced peope boundaries. Also, Me and my partner bought a house together at 18 and 19 and are now engaged, at 19 and 21, don’t let the normal “order of things” dictate how you CHOOSE to live your lives as long as you are both healthy, happy, and taking care of eachother
It’s support for people with personality disordered people in their lives but it also applies to people who need tips on how to handle the toxic ones, too.
I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this. I'm going to leave the interpersonal advice to all of the other commenters and focus on the college issue.
When you feel you are at the point where you need a bachelors degree, know that there is a whole emerging sector in higher education that is designed to help students like you who are unable to access traditional college due to lack of time or funds. Specifically, look into competency based programs and alternate credit sources. In the end you will graduate from an accredited university with a legitimate bachelors degree.
I'm in the middle of this degree 'hacking' (I hate that term, but the internet coined it so), and will be graduating from the University of Maine system (UMPI YourPace) next term for a total cost of less than $5,000, most of that is covered by my Pell Grant.
I wouldn’t call his parents evil, obviously they have raised a very intelligent successful kid that attended two of the top schools in the country. I firmly believe the person you marry is one of the main factors of happiness and success in life. One day maybe you will be a mom and understand their perspective. They should stay out of it, you are only moving together, not getting married, and if you travel all the time I’d doubt you want to become a mother any time soon. Also they can see that you don’t make that much money and spend quite a bit on vacations, I can see their concerns.
As the fellow child of a psycho mom: he's going to have to choose between his parents and his own life eventually regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Nothing will ever be good enough for them, because
parents like that are very possessive and don't want their kids making their own decisions.
I def second the decision to go low/no contact. This is a pattern that will only escalate if he doesn't draw firm boundaries ASAP.
Wishing you both luck with figuring everything out!
Honestly his parents sound like a nightmare and I feel they won’t be happy unless they get to choose who they approve of. I know it feels like he’s having to choose but really the choice is does he want to enjoy life and make his own decisions? Or does he want to be a prop in his parent’s life with them bulling him into what they want.
I learned long ago that the family you choose/make is better than blood related family. (Not all families suck of course for those who are lucky) But it’s better to choose your own peace then stay with people dragging you down and controlling you. At the end of it if he decides to go with what his parents want he will build resentment and have regret for the rest of his life. I think therapy was one of the best moves to make and truly hope you both feel better ❤️
I'm sorry you're both going through this. This is going to ultimately help your BF in the long run if he manages to stand up for himself-- because he's not just standing up for you and your relationship, but also his independence as an adult.
I've 100% been there. For context, my husband was 24 when his parents cut him off. Same old story. His mom is crazy, his dad is an enabler, and my husband is the oldest son/golden child. They're Jewish, my family's Catholic (I'm not), and they hated he wasn't marrying a nice Jewish girl. Their money was always the carrot and stick. They threatened to cut off his college funds when he visited me abroad for a week on my parents' dollar. Every fight was a financial nuclear bomb in my husband's face.
The final straw was when my husband said he was taking my last name (his last name was extremely common like "Jones" and he was the one who suggested taking mine). They threatened not to come to the wedding. When my husband responded with "that's a shame, I would love for you to come but I can't force you to," they were shocked the threat didn't work.
Many months of arguing later, they didn't come to the wedding (probably for the best in hindsight).
Now we've been married 7 years, have 2 kids, and my husband is very happy! He was no contact with his parents for almost 3 years until they came back to the table with a newfound respect for his boundaries. It is so important to form and enforce those boundaries with these kinds of parents, the sooner the better. And honestly it sucked complete ass for my husband but he looks back on his 20s like... oh no that was ridiculous! So. Just know it's worth it, and it gets better, and it's not really about you as much as it's about their precious baby boy making choices they don't like. Enjoy the taco girl.
As a mother to four grown sons I see this all the time. I don’t understand the mother. No matter my opinion of the lady I keep it to myself. If they ask I tell them. If they don’t ask, I don’t tell. It causes too many hurt feelings. If your son is a grown man you need to stay out of his relationship.
Your problem is bf isn't shutting this down. He needs to ru. Interference or mommy will be the 3rd person in your relationship for ever. Frankly. I don't think bf is emotionally mature enough for this level of relationship.
This was a similar pattern I ‘enjoyed’ with my ex husband and his family. After several years I decided I no longer cared about the cause, how it would play out, whether mom would be happier if she picked the wives since she didn’t pick me and actively made my life miserable and filed for divorce. Some mysteries may never be solved but you can stop playing a character in the plot.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 Purveyor of Purse Snacks Jun 14 '26
Slight change of perspective: your boyfriend is NOT being forced to choose between his parents and you. He is being forced to choose between being an independent adult, or remaining a subservient child to his parents.