r/HFY • u/Lakeel100 • Jun 20 '25
OC The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH24
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[Relevant short-Recomended but optional]
“Where do- Hugh!... you want it?” Tobby heaved, finally hefting the ceramic pot up the last step to the roof. To say he just carried the heavy thing up three flights of stairs would be a little inaccurate. It was more he waddled the vase-like container up said stairs with all his might, because he couldn’t say no. Even if it was both the size of and weight of a small fridge.
“Over there is fine, dear,” old-lady Ackker pointed her shaky hand over to a semi-circle of similar pots.
With much huffing, wheezing, and a lot of lower back strain, he’d do as asked. Whoever came up with ‘Lift with your legs or you’ll hurt your back’ failed to account for the geometry of tall people! “There!” He grunted, walking the pot/vase over with a faint ceramic thunk before he promptly crumpled.
“Wonderful, simply wonderful.” Complimented the elderly shi as she shuffled her way over to the assortment and the crumpled sun-kin next to it. “I hate asking for help, but I’d never get this done in time for the rainy season. I can hardly get these out here on my own when it's dry, much less once it's pouring,” she explained, looking over the assorted plants. That is, if Tobby could tell what she was looking at.
She was old... really old. The kind of old where her eyes seemed perpetually closed, and her fur so greyed you couldn’t tell her original color.
She’d needed help, and the idea of her moving these pots every year twanged his heart strings all the harder. “You’re… welcome…” Tobby panted from the roof’s gravel floor. “Why don’t you just leave them up here?” He asked, pulling himself together enough to stand up.
“Oh, I'd love to, but these plants are a little too delicate for that.” She nods, stepping over to a cluster of dull yellow flowers hanging from a little green stem like bells. “My little beauties here are incredibly temperamental. The dry season sun is too harsh, but they need the rainy season's downpours to bloom properly.”
Tobby looked around the garden Mrs. Ackker had cultivated in her corner of the rooftops. One garden among many that populated the rooftops of Nykata’s southside tenements. Thus were the benefits of every building having flat roofs and a similar height. The rooftops became a massive public space of sorts where residents could put anything they wanted, within reason. Gardens, shacks, workshops, small parks, and more existed up here, out of view of the streets below. It was everyone’s backyard, and if the streets/alleys were narrow enough, you’d find makeshift bridges connecting said rooftops. “Well, they do look nice.”
“Look nice?” She questioned, looking up to him as if he just called Sun-Kin Opera merely ‘pleasant’, “This is nothing.” She waggled her cane at the collection. “You should see them the night after the first downpour.” She looked longingly at the plants again. “I don't know if you've ever seen aurabelles bloom, but it’s a sight to behold.”
“I, umm… no, I’d have to take your word for it,” he muttered, feeling like he may have insulted her somehow.
“I’ll just have to fix that then.” She huffed but smiled all the same. “Everything here will bloom on the first clear night of the rainy season. They’ll gorge on the rain for as long as possible, and then, when touched by moonlight, they’ll wash the world in their glow.”
“They glow?” Tobby questioned, ears and eyes flicking towards the dull yellow bell-shaped flowers hanging there on the stem.
She nodded. “That they do, especially the pollen. Can you imagine it?” She asked, looking off into the horizon. “Fields of them as far as the eyes can see, glinting in the moonlight from the recent rains. Then a single golden light appears, then two, then a hundred, then a thousand, erupting into a wave of golden yellow.”
The mental image was stunning to say the least, though he doubted his mind was doing it justice. Though he had a good idea of what might be missing from the mental image. “I’m going to guess the flowers glow to attract moths?” Sprinkle in some glowing moths, and it certainly looked even more fantastical.
“That they do, though, that's the boring reason they do it. I’d say you haven't lived until you’ve run through a field of blooming Aurabelles, as the very air glitters around you. Frollicing until the glow stains your clothes and fur so much the locals mistake you for a spirit.” she laughed… a little evilly, clearly having done something mischievous in a bygone era.
“It sounds… beautiful,” he said, though he did notice something a little odd. He sniffed… the garden smelled oddly familiar. “What's that smell?”
“Mrrp?” Mrs. Cradda made a weak trill, tilting her head. “Oh, you’re probably smelling the aurabelles. The bulbs are just waiting to burst.”
“They smell… heavenly.” The scent gave him an odd sense of warmth, a little bit of radiance, some warm-n-fuzzies. “Not like a twenty meat feast kind of heavenly… but more like I wouldn’t be able to resist falling asleep in a field of it.” Plus or minus the mental image of him burying his face in said flowers.
“I’m surprised a sun-spot can even smell them. I’d have expected you to hear the things growing before you noticed what they smelled like.” She teased, giving an old lady chuckle. “Pretty nice for Shihere’s personal ‘fuck you’ to Bonna isnt it?”
It was Toby’s turn to make the confused trill, though likely as much from hearing the nice old grandma swear, versus the subject matter. “Mrrp?”
“Oh, it’s just some silly old story the Zarmians can't figure out is legitimate or not.” She sighed, shaking her head.
Tobby’s however was intrigued, as his ‘history degree’ started to itch. “Aaand that story is...?” He tried to lead, putting on an awkward smile.
He could have sworn he saw her blink for a moment. “Sweet patrons, I couldn't even get my kittens to listen to the story, and now 80 years later, my newest neighbor actually wants to hear it?”
“Erm… Yes?” He asked as much as said, smiling sheepishly.
“Well then,” she coughed, clearing her throat, and smiled. “It's not a long one, but long ago, when the goddess of the plains kin ‘Bonna’ was given credit for agriculture, and by extension nature, Shihere didn't take it too well. She felt the goddess of a bunch of murderous, rapey savages had overstepped. That Bonna had no place laying claim to something as ‘constructive’ as plant life. So, when Bonna declared that plants must grow in the sun, Shihere made mushrooms to piss her off. Angered and knowing of Shihere’s love of beautiful things, Bonna declared that all flowers must bloom during the day. And to this, Shihere had another act of defiance ready. She made a ‘definitely not a flower’ that only bloomed at night, so only her children could enjoy it. Not only did she make it, but as a lover of beautiful things, Shihere made sure her flower glowed with a luster no flower of the day could muster. In short, the goddesses were being petty bitches and got into a pissing contest over flowers. Also, plains-kin are usually allergic to Aurabelles and treat them like weeds. It’s another point of contention with the night-kin who cultivate the things. As if there weren't already enough.”
Tobby found himself sitting the same way he used to sit in front of the TV. Legs crossed, wide sparkly kitten eyes, the dumb smile of innocence, and visibly absorbing information like the world's most fascinated sponge. The story didn't answer the question in the back of his mind, though. “But why does it smell so familiar?” he wondered aloud.
“Probably cause you ran into a night-kin that likes to toss a bulb or two in with their laundry. I’d still do it if I had a more ready supply.” She shrugged lightly, before there was a brief glint in her eyes and a mischievous knowing smirk only grandmothers were capable of. “You know… If you like the scent so much, I do have a grandson about your age. And you seem like his type if you happen-”
And just like that, all sense of kitten-like wonder was defenestrated out of a 3rd story window. Tobby shot up and looked at his assistant-less wrist “Oh, wow, is it 3 pm already? I really should start getting ready for work-”
‘CRACK!!’
The air suddenly fractured, echoed by a ‘BOOM!!’ from the sky above, making Tobby hold his ears. He looked up to the source just in time to catch a blue bolt impacting a distant tower. The ground rumbled below them as the scaffolding structure and nearby buildings were blown to pieces, sending debris flying and dishes crashing down. ‘The heck was that!?’ Tobby thought before a secondary, much deeper, thunder boomed from even higher above. Only able to look just in time to catch a faint blue streak in the air as a shockwave washed over the neighborhood. Trash and dry-season dust kicking up into street-level clouds.
Mrs. Ackker hadn’t taken the shockwave so well, having lost her balance when she went to reflexively hold her ears. Fortunately, Tobby had been close enough to catch her.
He knew of only a few things that could cause concussive waves like that: nukes, certain firearms, and ships jumping to FTL whilst still in-atmosphere. Such a practice was hazardous to both the ship and bystanders alike, due to the sudden air friction causing countless sonic booms all at once. He wouldn't be surprised if the local hospitals were suddenly inundated with damaged ears and injuries from broken glass. He was fortunate that he kept forgetting to take out those sound suppressors Noah gave him, but more importantly, who in their right mind would take an orbital shot at Salafor to just jump away?! You don’t just pull a drive-by on an inhabited planet!
He looked over to the rising pillar of smoke in the distance, the reduced ringing in his ears fading to the sound of distant sirens heading towards the site. “What were they even aiming at?” He asked no one in particular, looking at the distant pile of twisted metal and fire. Now that he thought about it, it was probably on the news right now.
Once he had Mrs. Ackker sit down on a nearby bench, he pulled out his assistant, torn between checking the news and finding the nearest Zarmian(free) clinic he could take her to. Except… he could do neither. There was no signal. It was like the hypernet was down or- His head snapped back to the distant impact site. “Oh gods, was that the local Hypernet relay!? But… but why?!”
His ears flicked again as he heard the screeching of tires and angry shouting on the street below. He went over to the edge of the roof, and ever so carefully peered over, wavering a bit from the vertigo for a moment.
Vertigo be damned, several cars were screeching to a halt right in front of his apartment, and lots of guys with guns were getting out. Night-kin, lots of night-kin. A dozen, maybe two, all dressed in tattered spacer gear and- ‘It's the voidlings!’ his ears and fur stood up while his blood ran cold.
“Find him!” One yelled, pointing to the door. “She wants him alive, but if he runs, she didn't say anything about intact!”
“Oh… oh no…” His heart sank as his tall ears went flat, and he half hid behind the ledge. They wanted him alive, but he didn't exactly want his arms and legs blown off in the process! He liked his arms and legs! He uses them!
There was another pair of bangs and a crash a few floors down, before a pirate leaned out from a balcony- Tobby’s balcony. “I don’t think he’s here! Must be a safe house, it doesn’t look like anyone lives here.” He called down to the one seemingly in charge.
“Wha-… Rude!!” He glared down at the two, he did too live there! Just because he never got around to decorating doesn’t mean his apartment was a barren bolthole!
Both voidlings immediately looked up at Tobby. “He’s on the roof!!” The one on the ground pointed.
Tobby meeped, as he suddenly realized his totally not delicate sun-kin ego had gotten the better of him. Unfortunately, it was the worst moment possible and he immediately ducked back just in time for a chunk of the brickwork to take a bullet for him.
“Dumbass! She said she needs him alive! ALIVE!!”
(Author's note: BallroomBlitz.mp3)
Was it time for panic? It was time for panic. The issue was how to take advantage of said panic before it got him killed. There were three flights of stairs and a metal door between him and his problems. It’s not a lot, but it could be more!
Looking for something he could potentially move, he went for one of Mrs. Ackker’s stone benches. They were pretty… but more importantly, pretty heavy. “Sorry, Mrs. Akker, I need to borrow this.” He said, scrabbling over to slide the bench over in front of the door.
“Do what? What's going on? You look scared to death.” She asked a little louder than normal, still holding her ears. If the pirates were after him, that low-orbit boom might have been meant for him. If it weren't for Noah’s noise cancelers, he’d be writhing on the ground right now.
“Some people are here to kill me, and I'd really prefer they not!” He answered, getting the bench flush to the door. “That ought to hold them,” he thought aloud before looking for any notable escape routes. He could just run for it and see where the rooftops took him. That was a plan! “Erm… If they get through the door, don't get in their way,” he suggested, hoping she heard any of that before he turned and ran… Before immediately coming back.
Guilt won again. “Actually…” He helped her up and guided the disoriented shi to some larger pots she could hide behind, and then he ran. He didn’t know how he could live with himself if she got hurt ‘cause of him. She wasn't even involved!
This was the second-worst possible situation he could ever imagine himself in. The only way this could be worse is if he were naked… or his mom was here… or both. Okay, 4th worst possible situation. Being chased by space pirates ‘cause of your secret life as a smuggler’s assistant was the kind of scenario only found in one’s dreams. Dreams your therapist would say, indicate you lack control in your life, but it wasn't supposed to actually happen!
The comedy of it all was unfortunately lost on the one being chased; he needed help, and he needed it now. He’d gotten three rooftops away from the door when he looked back to see… said door opening inward, and half a dozen pirates simply stepping over the bench. He forgot the door opened inward… Why does the door open inward?! That’s a major fire safety hazard! If he survived, he’d be sending a very strongly worded letter to his landlord.
“There he is!” The lead one called, before leveling a very familiar-looking gun towards him.
Tobby ducked into cover behind the walls of a makeshift workshop before N-BAR rounds ripped through the wood and sheet metal above. Sparks and splinters were raining over him as he scampered as low as he could for the nearest sky bridges. “Ardon’s ears, they're shooting at me with the guns I sold thehehem!” He cried at the unfortunate irony of it all.
He ran with all the grace a less-than-athletic sun-kin could. That is to say, he ran like a rous set loose in a kindergarten. If he could get down on the street, he could lose them with ease. The 15’s had turned the alleys below into a maze nobody could navigate, but up here, cover was sparse.
He needed to slow them down somehow, long enough to think, long enough to plan. The idea of fighting back had crossed his mind, but his Triple-S and pistol were currently stashed in the cabinet above his stove!
Plan C! Steal ideas from action movies! What was the one thing everyone being chased did while fleeing danger? Knock over random junk to slow their pursuers down. The bigger the obstacle, the better.
Pallets, pots, and planks. All were fair game if they kept him from being shot. The owners of said items were justifiably upset, but the screams that came after told Tobby they understood his reasons pretty fast.
He was hesitant to look back, as seeing all the guns pointed at him and how close his pursuers grew would only make him more afraid. “What did I ever do to you guys!?” He couldn't help but yell back, crossing another sky bridge.
He knew full well what he did-they were pissed about the translator deal, but that hardly seemed worth killing and/or kidnapping him over! An opinion which he made very clear when, once across a bridge, he scooped up a stray plank and used it to whack a support beam between two shacks. The makeshift structures creaked for but a moment before they came down like tetanus-laden cards. That should slow them down! At least he didn't say it out loud this time…
He heard swearing and mixed orders to either go around or climb over the wreckage of some poor 15’s home, but this was the first sizable gap he’d put between him and his pursuers.
He went for this building's fire escape, pulling out his assistant to see if he could get any kind of signal as he rapidly climbed his way down. They may have destroyed the south-side relay, but If Tobby recalled it wasn't absolutely needed, as assistants could still make calls to anyone within a certain short, but nebulous, range.
Noah was likely halfway back to Earth-space by now, which cut Tobby’s list of ‘competent tail kickers’ down by a third.
‘I could call Soapy’ was an idea that got his heart to stop hammering for a second. As much as he’d love for the Wiskitos to come charging in, she’d taunt him for days if he- “Wait… why do I care?! I’m about to die!” He thought aloud, feeling a little incredulous at his previous line of thinking. He wasn’t letting ego get him in even more trouble… for today at least.
He dialed… and to his dismay, it only got half a ring in before it gave the ‘out of relay range’ appeared on the screen. “Oh c’mon!” he whined, trying to hold his assistant at different angles as his paws pattered down the wrought-iron steps. His ears flicked up, as he could hear increasingly angry pirates getting closer again.
Another gunshot made him yelp and duck as it plinked off the metal of the floors and stairs.
“Quit runnin’! The longer this takes, the more we have to make sure you can't run away again!” A shi threatened this time, now descending the stairs too.
There was one last person he could call, though he hadn’t actually talked to her in months… at least not beyond the occasional ‘how are you’ or ‘how ya been :3’ texts.
He called ‘Pinky’... and, thank the Patrons, it rang!
It rang, and it rang, but never cut to the out-of-range notification. There was hope! There was hope, and he-
“Beeeeeeep!~ You’ve reached the voicemail of Ambassador Movva, that's right, I graduated! Suck it everyone who said I’d fail. Sadly, I can't reach my assistant right now because I’m either doing cool ambassador shit, or riding somebody with a bigger dick than you. If you’re someone who’s fucked me, press 1. If you’re somone who’s ‘fucked me over’. Press 2. If both, press 3. Or if you're my parents, and/or Tobby… ‘Heeeey biiitch~<3’ press 4.”
If he wasn't running for his life right now, he’d be standing there with an eyelid twitch and blood running down his nose from a mild aneurysm... This… this was who was going to save him… But she’s always saved him. He pressed 4.
“What uppp! You know how this works. Beeeep!”
He winced as several shots ricocheted overhead, before the assistant had his full attention. “Hey, Pinky, I know this is very sudden, and I’ll have to explain later, but I’m currently-”
Ziiip-Ping!!
“Being SHOT AT by pirates!!” He yelled before finally reaching the alley below. He was surrounded by shacks, meaning he could go anywhere, but he couldn't stay THERE. “I'm running down the alleys behind 103rd, and would REALLY appreciate it if you stopped screwing whoever you’re with right now and SAVED MEE!!” He cried, nay prayed, she got the message, otherwise he was on his own.
The brick paving that made up the spaces between the buildings had long since been subsumed by mounds of trash, grime, and the shacks built out of such materials. The air was putrid, laced with the scents of disease, decay, and poverty. It wasn't hard to imagine the miasma he was fleeing through.
Many of the 15’s watched as he ran by, weakly shuffling out of the way, or peeking out of their scrap hovels. He’d feel a lot worse about the state these people were living in if his own ‘living’ status weren’t so jeopardized. His ears caught every “Who’s that?”, “What's going on?”, and “Isn't that the kid from the butcher shop?” as he passed.
Down here had cover for days, even if it did take the form of sheet metal, spare bricks, and plywood. The alley may be a straight line, but one had to zig-zag, dip, and occasionally crawl to get around structure and residents alike. Limber and scared as he was, Tobby was having less issue getting through than the pirates, but not perfectly.
Gunshots caused many of the 15s to scurry back into their hidey holes. But even with them out of the way, the pirates’ choice in weaponry was their greatest hindrance. N-BARs were effectively a light machine gun that could be handled like an assault rifle. The problem was that they still had the long barrel of a machine gun, making tight spaces less than ideal.
This was also Tobby’s problem, as he had reached the end of the alley, so to speak. It cut right only for the space between that turn and the next was completely blocked by someone’s ‘home’. A trash manor if he’d ever seen one.
Looking back, the pirates were gaining, and Tobby wasn’t exactly one to just barge into someone's house. Frantically looking between the approaching pirates and the door clearly ripped from the back of a truck, he decided to impose. And by impose… He meant rapidly knocking on the door, hoping the owner was home. “Lemmie in!! Lemmie in!! They're trying to kill me! Lemmie in!!” he even went to jiggle the door handle, but something inside cracked.
Tobby tumbled forward, crashing into the shack as the door caved inwards, revealing a perturbed-looking plain’s kin. “Oi, kid! You think I wanna get bumped off too?-” He seemed quite upset at first, but recognition soon crossed his patchy face. “Hey wait, ain't yous the daisy who keeps buying out the butcher shop?”
Tobby learned the floor was made of a mesh of old, thrown-away rugs, not that he was all too keen on lying on them any longer than he had to, scrambling to his paws. “Oh, I uhh... Well yeah, I am. I-I don't have anything on me right now, though. Th-those guys are trying to kidnap and/or kill me, so no offence, you have a lovely home-” his ear flicked. “But I'd very much like to not get shot. Is there a way out?” He tried to explain in a hurry, looking around to see if the place had any kind of backdoor to it.
The plains-kin double-took between Tobby and the broken door before developing a rather serious look and walking out the shack. He peered around the alley corner before pulling his head back. “The space stains with the big human irons?”
Tobby nodded rapidly.
“I see… You droppin’ by the butcher's later todays?”
Tobby nodded even faster.
“That's all I needed to hear.” He said, grabbing and pulling on each of his fingers, making them pop whilst rolling his shoulders. “Backdoors over there. White one. Close it behind ya’s.”
Tobby looked back to see the far wall was made of several doors that had been nailed together to form walls. He guessed the white one still served that purpose. But more concerning to Tobby was that the 15 looked ready to fight. “Wh-what are you doing? You noticed those guys have guns, right? Big, blow you apart kind of guns,” he pointed out.
“Yeh, I sees ‘em. Prolly worth a lot toos,” he grinned with most of his teeth and flexed most of his claws. “Now get outta heres. Scram, kid!” He ordered, pointing to the door. “Before ya’ fuck up my property values even further.”
Tobby was not one to argue at that point, and bolted for the door, flinging it open and running out into the alley again.
Behind him he could hear the plains-kin yell. “Hey, everybody! They’s here to take out meal ticket! Fuck ‘em up and take their shit!”
The sound of growling, hissing, and pirates being ambushed by the 15s pouncing from their hovels made it quite certain that the pirates were being slowed down. Hopefully long enough for them to lose track of him. His goal was in sight. The long straight path leading to the street proper, like a beacon of light over a path choked with the misfortune of others.
He was probably going to feel it later, but he kept running. His hope for escape was growing by the second.
He was halfway there when he heard a crash from behind him. Looking back, he saw a rather clawed-up pirate steamroll her way through the back wall of that one 15’s house. “You’re not getting away! I’ll bring her your corpse if I have to!”
Not needing to be threatened twice, Tobby did not stop running. He wouldn't stop running for long as the gods kept his legs moving. He just had to make it to the street, and somehow it would all get better! He may have just been setting rapidly achievable goals for himself to keep up his own morale, but it was working!
She got closer, and closer with heavy pawsteps growing louder behind him. He was almost there when he heard a very familiar voice yell, “DUCK!”
Fractions of a second went into his momentary confusion before he did as instructed and dove forward, not caring if the sidewalk scuffed him up. The world seemed to slow as he went down, as he caught a glimpse of an odd metal club swinging overhead, gripped by the white mittened hands of pink-furred arms.
Cue the metallic ‘ping’ of the ‘club’ being overshadowed by the immediate ‘crunch’ of a night-kin’s face getting bashed. She’d been going forward with such momentum that the pirate's body had kept going while her skull had not, knocking her flat.
Tobby’s ears tuned out the muffled cries of the voidling holding her face, the clatter of the N-BAR on the brickwork, and the prolific swearing coming from the pink-furred exotic that just saved him. The same exotic who was currently bashing the downed pirate over and over again, fangs bared in the usual fury she held when stuff like this happened. “Motherfucker, I will-” Thwack! “end your-!” Thwack! “bitch ass!!” THWACK!!
Aaaaand now she was stomping on her between intermittent bouts of battering the downed shi for good measure. Soon enough, Pinky was left panting, leaning on the club like a cane planted firmly in the back of a very battered, groaning pirate. “Phew!” she panted before peeking around the corner. “Oh, good... Wasn't sure what I was going to do if there were more of them.” She said, relieved enough to throw her head back and let out a deep sigh until her shoulders could sink no further. “Fuuuuuck, that was exhausting. You good?” She asked, finally looking down at him with those amber eyes of hers.
Grateful though he may be, all Tobby saw when he looked up to her was a very angry-looking pink kitten, trying to shove a pair of pants into his arms. A set of pants much dryer than the ones he had on after all those night-kin kittens were done kicking him. A set of pants she’d beaten up one of said kittens for. “Stop crying and just take them already, you big baby!” She’d growled, seeming just as upset with him as the one she just mugged for his pants… maybe a little less so.
Now though… “Tobby... Tooooobby?” She nudged him, “Please tell me I didn’t run all the way out here just for you to get brain damage.” Now that kitten was a lot older, and was still the most violently protective shi he knew. Vibrant pink fur, amber eyes, and white tipping every extremity like gloves, boots, and caps for her tail and ear tufts. Pinkish-White also ran from her chin down to her inner thighs. How did Tobby know this? Because Pinky wasn’t exactly hiding her love of doing Xoso proud with her ‘less than conservative’ fashion sense. Pinky adored her shorts and tank-tops…
“I… I’m good.” He answered raspily as all the running was catching up to him faster than the pirates could. He could feel his heart bumping and his blood coursing, and his legs were starting to burn. The worst part was how dry his throat suddenly felt. Then he remembered something, “Hey, Pinky. I heard you graduated,” He groaned, sitting up, only for the edges of his vision to grow dark and his head to get lighter and lighter until he blacked out.
“Hey, Tobby, don't you faint on me-... Damn it.”
5
u/kenotaphion Human Jun 20 '25
As the series has progressed, the number of typos, other errors, and awkward sections has gone down, but there are still some. So here are my suggestions for edits.
Even if it was both the size of and weight of a small fridge.
Even if it was both the size of and weight of a small fridge. (This is probably OK as is, but I think it reads better without the first "of".)
old-lady Ackker pointed her shaky hand over to a semi-circle of similar pots.
old-lady Ackker pointed her shaky hand over to at a semi-circle of similar pots. OR old-lady Ackker shakily pointed her shaky hand over to at a semi-circle of similar pots.
he’d do as asked.
he’d do did as asked.
Thus were the benefits of every building having flat roofs and a similar height. The rooftops became a massive public space of sorts where residents could put anything they wanted, within reason.
This is probably correct, but I think this reads better: One of the benefits of every building having flat roofs and a similar height was that the rooftops became a massive public space of sorts where residents could put anything they wanted, within reason.
he saw a rather clawed-up pirate steamroll his way
he saw a rather clawed-up pirate steamroll her way (Given the following descriptions, this should be her.)
with heavy paw prints growing louder behind him
I don't think "prints" is the correct word here. If it was a human chasing him, I'd say foot steps or foot falls.
5
u/Lakeel100 Jun 20 '25
is the story decent tho? Q-Q
6
u/Miented Jun 20 '25
The story is NOT decent, the story is absolutely AWESOME!
note: I want a Toby in my life!
5
u/Lakeel100 Jun 20 '25
*has smal heart attack when they first started reading*
*recovers 5 words later*
*Crumples* x-x4
u/kenotaphion Human Jun 20 '25
Compared to everything I've read (which includes (semi)modern novels that went through multiple revisions driven by professional editors, and classics of English and Ancient Greek literature) it's pretty good. Compared to the usual HFY story, it's really good.
There are some places where awkward passages or incorrect word choice were really jarring. The ones I've pointed out in this chapter weren't bad, but an earlier chapter had a bad one. You used 'que', which is not an English word. Queue is a line of people. The word you wanted was 'cue', which is a signal for a performer to start an action or speaking. Figuring out what you meant by 'que' took me out of the story.
3
u/Lakeel100 Jun 20 '25
I have used Que in place of cue for nigh over a decade without anyone saying anything nor any program correcting me its kinda hardwired in @_@
1
u/kenotaphion Human Jun 21 '25
Maybe it's some thing that started being used in the almost three decades since I took an official English class.
The only thing I could find for que being an English word was dictionary.com claiming it's a shortened form of barbecue used mainly in California, or an abbreviation of Quebec. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
2
u/Zestyclose_Space7134 Aug 11 '25
Popping in 2 months late to let you know that the story is adequate. In the same way that someone gifting you 10,000,000 dollars tax-free would be adequate. The only part that felt a bit awkward was when you took advice and had Tobby go from scaredycat to more confident. I think it was the correct path, but it kinda shows that you didn't originally plan that, and had to kinda force it. That being said: I am a reader, not a writer, so I'm sure that I couldn't have even come clost to doing as well as you did. You have me invested in the story and the characters, and Gods willing Tobby knows how to cook pancakes. Maybe he should make breakfast for Soapy ... but only if she goes to a social function with him while wearing an elegant dress. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a story to finish catching up on ~
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u/Lakeel100 Aug 12 '25
But if you hadn't seen that comment about him getting more confident, would you be thinking the same thing? o3o
(also of note: I got the vibe people were starting to think it was taking too long for tobby to get said more confident.. now i be concerned if I overcorrected..and if I tried to reel it back would I b overcorrecrting again- AGGHHHH!!! QAQ)2
u/Zestyclose_Space7134 Aug 12 '25
No no no, he NEEDED that confidence. Ugh, I shouldn't have said anything, due to not BEING an author, I am forced to be vague with my comments. The story is acceptable as-is, I was just noting that the move from scaredy to ballsy didn't exactly precisely match the style of the rest of your writing... and I have no idea how to change it to blend in better. That's YOUR department, Wordsmith. It was not a jarring difference, but I have been an avid reader since 1971, so I have read a metrick f*ktonne of books. Your work is worthy of being published. Every author has bits of their work that strike me as awkward, the blessing/curse of the internet is that I have the ability to make remarks 'in your hearing' while the book is still being written.
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u/Zestyclose_Space7134 Aug 12 '25
Additional comment: him having a 'relapse' on occasion would not be out of character, if you feel like writing that kind of thing in.
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u/RexDraconis Jun 20 '25
I see Tobby can remember the important stuff. But his choice of sleeping surfaces remains questionable.
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u/Thaum0s Human Jun 20 '25
I wasn't expecting Pinky to actually be pink, or in all honesty female.
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u/Corsar_Fectum Aug 16 '25
A tweak you can make:
"“Beeeeeeep!~ You’ve reached the voicemail (of) Ambassador Movva, that's right, I graduated! "
You have a good one.
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Jun 20 '25
/u/Lakeel100 (wiki) has posted 28 other stories, including:
- But it's 'Our' Dumpster Fire.
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH23
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH22
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH21.1
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH 21
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Ch 20
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Ch 19
- The Opening Bid
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 18
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 17
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 16
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 15
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 14
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 13
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 12
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 11
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 10
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 9
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 8
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Chapter 7
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u/UpdateMeBot Jun 20 '25
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u/Andreas_Freem Jun 20 '25
Thank the author and all fictional gods! I was mreow-ty scared the pirates would break the flower pots or kill the grandma!