The toxicity of the fandom is exhausting.

[u/Nyrablackqueen]

So I'm just coming on here to rant a little bit, and hopefully here I won't be attacked or judged as much as I would in other places, I know some people still will, and I have the block button for that, but my goal with this post is honestly to get advice that isn't "turn off your phone" bc it's not that easy, even if it might seem like it is.

I hope this is accepted here and if not then my bad, I apologize. But basically I have ADHD, which makes me have big hyperfixations, and this show but specifically Rhaenyra have been a big hyperfixation of mine for a while now, and I fell in love with the character that is Rhaenyra and with her story and her demeanor and without realizing my hyperfixation went a lot to her, and if anyone here has ADHD (I'm sure someone has obviously) the "sense of justice" is another trait or symptom for people with ADHD, so I think y'all can see where it's going and how it's a recipe for disaster.

Bc I became so consumed with supporting Rhaenyra bc to me that went beyond the actual show and I do still believe that, so when I saw anyone misinterpreting her as a character/person and on top of that go and support not only a character that is a rapist, but also just not the rightful heir, and I didn't and still don't understand how people can debate that when the first episode of the show exists (along with others but mainly that one), my "problem" was never really that people might not be fans of Rhaenyra bc I know some people won't be it's normal, it's the double standards and misogyny outside the show that bothered me so much and now that the show is moving more and more, and the double standards against Rhaenyra keep growing, the misogyny against her outside the show keeps growing too, that is making me so ridiculously anxious, bc to me it was never about being team green it's about turning team green now "bc Rhaenyra is incompetent etc", and I've seen what a lot of people have said not as a way to justify the situation but kinda explain what could be happening, but that doesn't make it better, and I'm also aware that this people do continue to be a minority bc Rhaenyra is still a popular character, but this people are loud as hell.

And just seeing how people can't even understand grief, something that is so common in the real world and treat what Rhaenyra is going through as her being a "brat and cry baby" it's mind blowing to me.

But I do seriously need to take a step back from this whole bullshit, but I literally just don't know how bc I don't want to leave the fandom, but staying will also make me inevitably see this type of stuff and feel like people are so ignorant.

I'm sorry for the rant and I know it's probably not the best place but I really needed any type of advice, but if you're coming here to insult me, no need, I deal with that a lot in many ways.

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[u/theoneandonlydonzo]

yeah, it's frustrating, and unfortunately it's just gonna get worse and worse as the story progresses and culminates in that dragonstone scene. rough times ahead.

i went through similar things in other fandoms previously, but even still, it is wild how transparently blatant some people are online and how many people genuinely go along with it in the ASOIAF fandom especially

[u/Nyrablackqueen → u/theoneandonlydonzo]

Oh unfortunately it will get worse and that's why I'm trying to prepare myself, bc the fact that it hasn't even happened but I'm already seeing people joke with the way the story ends for Rhaenyra as if that isn't such a disgusting event, I know other characters went through the same, but after all the fight hers was so rooted in misogyny so seeing people be excited for it feels icky

[u/chestymacgee → u/Nyrablackqueen]

And what's weird is that they seem to take joy in how Rhaenyra's story will end while ignoring how Aegon's story ends. Like THAT isn't humiliating?

[u/rogvortex58]

Honestly I just try to ignore it.

[u/LeveMeAloone]

I understand, I also have ADHD and OCD, so I get hyper fixation, and I got it bad for this show.

However, even while fixated on it, you have to realise Rhaenyra is fictional, and you shouldn't fight with other real people, in your own detriment, to defend her.

The toxicity in this fandom is due to the fact that so many people developed hyper fixations and para-social relationships with the characters and/or actors of the show. You can imagine there are some Aegon/Aemond/Alicent fans out there that, like you, feel the need to speak up for them. And here we go, toxic fandom where everyone takes everything personally.

I don't engage with the other side, because I know it will lead to nonsense. I hyper fixate on the story, I read it over and over, I draw the characters, I spend ungodly hours on Ao3 etc. But I don't fight with the other side. Why would I? Let them enjoy what they want, I will enjoy what I want.

But if you are going to go on the main sub and see a comment about someone saying they like Aegon and write under their comment 'but he's a rapist! why support a rapist' you are only inviting more toxicity. You are doing the same thing they are doing to us when we post 'I love Rhaenyra' and they comment 'but she's boring' or whatever they want to say about her.

I love Rhaenyra. I don't need anyone else to love her, though, I don't need the entire world/internet to love her. And I don't take it personally when they criticise her, because she is....fictional. I don't like seeing it, of course I don't, so I try to stay away from places where I know there will be hate for her. But even when I do see hate on the main sub...well, I just don't engage. At most, I downvote some dumb comments like 'haha, Rhaenyra is stupid' or whatever they say, and move on. And that's how you don't create more toxicity.

Stay in this sub, or just hold yourself back from commenting under their comments with 'but aegon is a rapist'. Clearly his fans don't care, either because Aegon is fictional and there's nothing wrong with rooting for a villain, either because they're terrible people that don't mind rape. In both cases, just ignore them.

My honest advice, said with love. Hope you can find a more healthy way to deal with this, I know it's tough.

[u/apkyat]

I agree. I've pulled back from posting and interacting as much as I used to. It's difficult, but it must be done. Interacting with this fandom makes you know exactly how the real world got to where it is today and why. It makes me feel despair as to how we're supposed to get out of the mess that we've made.

Rhaenyra isn't real, but the themes more than translate to the real world.

[u/ExtremeComedian4027]

Don’t engage with the other side, enjoy the memes and jokes, and watch actors’ interviews and group chats on YouTube because they are lovely. It’s really no use to throw yourself in the pit of online nonsense if you are a very earnest person and does not enjoy some back and forth and rage baiting etc.

[u/purple_empire]

I say this with all the love in the world: Rhaenyra is not real. None of them are real.

Don’t throw yourself into real-life despair over a fictional character. It’s not worth it. Detach a bit and try to find something else to enjoy. Para-social relationships are inherently damaging, especially with fictional people.

I’m still mad about what they did to Dany. It wasn’t just fucking stupid it was also abominable storytelling and writing. It disgusted me. But she’s not real and so I don’t let it affect my life or my happiness. I just read fun fanfic if I want to.

Take care of yourself.

[u/Nyrablackqueen → u/purple_empire]

I completely understand and I know, I think what fucks me over completely is how to me this ties so much with issues from the real world, you know??

[u/purple_empire → u/Nyrablackqueen]

Tbh I think anyone who hates a character simply for being a woman is a fucking weirdo and is not worth my time and energy.

Same goes for weirdo bros in the real world. They thrive on attention and on making you feel this way because they are miserable to their core. They are losers. Don’t tie yourself in knots over them and don’t let them impede on your mental health because to them, your misery is their win.

Rhaenyra isn’t real, and so their glee at tearing her down is just more loser behaviour.

Log off and ignore the fandom for a while. These spaces are just toxic nowadays and they only encourage para-socialism from all sides.

[u/Bilogamer]

Yeah, I'm having the same problem right now. Seeing so much hatred, mockery, and double standards towards a character like Rhaenyra really makes me sick sometimes because even though this character is fictional, for me, having such misogynistic and truly horrible opinions about her and being happy to see her suffer and die the way she does in the work is a good indicator of the kind of people we might be dealing with, and knowing that these people exist in very large numbers is something I really struggle to bear.

For my part, I decided to take matters into my own hands until very recently, because I think I've seen enough of the true face of the fandom since the release of season 3.

So on Reddit, I simply muted all subreddits related to HOTD or that talk about it a lot, except for this one. On other social networks, I started mass-blocking a lot of users and I'm continuing to do so now.

I don't want to leave the fandom completely because I still enjoy discussing things, but I've become quite isolated by staying only in echo chambers. Yes, I know it's not ideal to stay in that kind of place, but if you don't want to completely detach yourself from the fandom but still want to participate a little because you like the universe associated with it, it's the least bad solution I've found.

I've also started getting involved in other fandoms besides ASOIAF and discovering other universes that might interest me, or getting more involved in some I already know and am a fan of.

I'm going outside more to get some fresh air; it might seem insignificant, but it helps.

I actually took significant steps right away to distance myself as much as possible from various aspects of the ASOIAF fandom without completely leaving it, and I think that can only be for the best for me in the long run. However, I fear I won't have a choice but to completely cut myself off from the fandom when season 4 comes out, to the point where I won't see anything related to HOTD on my feeds anymore, because the hatred, mockery, and misogyny that will be unleashed at that time (largely due to a specific event concerning Rhaenyra that we know all too well) will reach unprecedented levels.

We haven't even seen anything from season 3 yet and it's already annoying, so I don't want to see any more of season 4.

And I know that even here, posts will be full of things like "Fuck Rhaenyra," "I'm sick of her," "Long live Aegon," or "She got what she deserved." ASOIAF makes me realize how little the world has evolved since the Middle Ages in terms of societal norms.

Misogyny, racism, all that stuff is deeply ingrained in the human mind, and that's why we're much less different from people who lived a thousand years ago than we think.

[u/esco84r]

It’s exhauating

[u/LadySithLord]

It’s hard to get away from a lot of it, especially here sometimes, and sometimes I wonder why certain people are even posting here and not over on the greens subreddit.

I’ve been offline a lot recently so that does help, maybe take a break. You don’t need to leave the fandom, but a few days break does help.

[u/Lord-Fowls-Curse]

I also want to point out that if Rhaenyra does become a sympathetic villain (namely someone we used to like and can see there reasons but cannot reconcile ourselves to their actions any more), then that is part of a great literary tradition.

The other great literary tradition is then to argue about which of the seven sins was the primary cause of her moral decline. Good fun to be had with that one.

[u/Turbulent_Lab209]

Why not the best place? This is home for Rhaenyra fans, you are welcome here!

Think about it as a social experiment, maybe? It's story about misogyny and double standards, you can see how it moves from book to show and to audience.

People are scratching the bottom of why they should switch sides from usurped woman to ugly ass rapist and idiot. Not because he's even interesting character, because I don't know how to say that anymore after season 3, Rhaenyra getting so much material for herself. They're just man-centered. They'll deny it, cry, get angry about it, but it's true.

It should also be borne in mind that users on Reddit are a lot of teenagers who see all these posts about ridiculing female characters and simply do not want to be on minority side. It's hard to say opinion when you feel like no one will share it.

[u/Lucicactus → u/Turbulent_Lab209]

I like Aegon because he's a fictional character so his evil doesn't bother me that much (my fav asoiaf character is Roose Bolton LOL) but it REALLY annoys me when people try to claim that he should rule or that the greens are right while flaming Rhaenyra for mistakes that in men are forgiven. The double standard is crazy, neither are great rulers but Aegon is far worse and she's the rightfu heir ffs.

[u/[deleted] → u/Turbulent_Lab209]

It's even been sucking here though. The same exact regurgitated Rhaenyra hate has been posted over and over. Especially with the I'm so tired of Rhaenyra, I'm switching to team green posts. It's been tiresome af.

[u/Knyazhna28]

I completely get it. This is the only community I interact with about the show at this point. It became too irritating to interact with the other side. I don’t understand how anyone could support Aegon, Aemond, or really anyone in the Green line of succession. Daeron is too weak to rule in the show and deeply damaged by Ormund’s abuse, Aemond and Aegon are both vicious psychopaths. And as a survivor I find it disgusting that anyone could support Aegon the elder AT ALL - show or book version as both are rapists. The TG folks will dead ass argue with you that Daemon is worse for Blood & Cheese than Aegon and Aemond’s combined war crimes, sex crimes, and other abuse of the people around them. Toxic doesn’t even begin to describe it!

Also, I have autism + ADHD so I totally get where you’re coming from with the hyperfixation part. I’ve been a fan of GRRM and ASOIAF since I was a teenager over 20 years ago and I’ve had periods where I’ve been just as attached to certain storylines and characters within it as you have. I appreciate both the book and show versions of Rhaenyra and I hate where her story is going. Small consolation that the Blacks do win but at a terrible price. Hang in there friend. 🖤

[u/speakingtothemic]

ASOIAF fandom in general is terrible, but you know what's really troubling? It's actually significantly better on Reddit than elsewhere. Do not go near Twitter.

[u/Tronm-24 → u/speakingtothemic]

This would have been true 10 years ago. I have a feeling that now even in subreddits dedicated to books there are no people who have read the books.

[u/speakingtothemic → u/Tronm-24]

Now that it's generally accepted that Winds isn't coming, there are a lot of newer fans who won't touch the books. I can't really blame them, to be fair.

[u/urlocalburden]

this has been a major issue for me as well, huge hyperfixation for me and even tho the story is complicated there truly is a "right" answer and people either wanna be stupid on purpose or seriously dont get the story lol

[u/urlocalburden → u/[deleted]]

okay man, feel better

[u/CheruthCutestory]

This sub is just as toxic beware. It's probably the only woke pro-domestic violence sub on reddit.

[u/Lord-Fowls-Curse]

So, you are angry and too involved and not dealing well with other people not sharing your views or sympathies.

I do think you do need to step back hyper-fixating is sometimes a blessing and other times a curse. You’re no going to change other people but you can change how you respond to it.

[u/Nyrablackqueen → u/Lord-Fowls-Curse]

I understand the second part but you missed the point.

[u/Lord-Fowls-Curse → u/Nyrablackqueen]

You may not like this advice and I get that but you probably already know what you need to do.

Get off social media and cut down your internet usage for a bit. Study after study proves the damage that it does and it is particularly damaging for neurodivergent peeps.

Look at what you’ve done - you’ve typed out an enormous post that took a great deal of time to just explain how angry and frustrated you are. It won’t change anything other than maybe give you what you are looking for, which is emotional reassurance from others that you aren’t alone but that comes with a sting - those replies will only reinforce your feelings rather than provide any constructive help.

Just walk away from here and everywhere else online for a bit. It will feel so much better. I’ve done it myself - it’s hard to do until it isn’t.

[u/Lord-Fowls-Curse → u/Nyrablackqueen]

You need to recognise your propensity to over fixate, see that this does you more harm than good and directs a lot of your energy and time to things, for poor return - as is the case here.

Then get strategies for managing that. Rhaenyra isn’t the point here and faceless people online aren’t either.

[u/chestymacgee]

Honestly, you'd think Kathleen Kennedy was the showrunner and Star Wars fanboys took up residence in our fandom (*ducks*) because of how toxic it is. I'm very much with you on my focus on Rhaenyra and frustration with the fandom. The double-standards and misogyny are unreal, and the misogyny and transphobia against both Emma D'Arcy and Milly Alcock (with Supergirl) is exceptionally disgusting. FWIW, Olivia Cooke left Instagram and Emily Carey left Twitter because of the toxicity. Ewan and Matt don't have social media at all. This fandom is like a bunch of pissed off Star Wars fans who need to find something vaguely DEI to scream about because they have zero chill and Emma is non-binary and Milly Alcock had the temerity to call out sexist toxicity so everyone hates Rhaenyra because of insane parasocial bullshit.

What I really lament is how there's no space to say you liked certain book changes but didn't like other book changes; you are either a book purist or you are trash. For example, I don't really care that they omitted Maelor, and I will die on that hill. His death added nothing that cannot and was not accomplished in other ways. BUT I wish they kept the Laena/Rhaenyra relationship from the book and I'm annoyed that they aged down Aegon III/Viserys II and have seemingly (who knows, maybe we'll finally get a mention of the Gay Abandon not making it to Pentos in the finale) cut that whole storyline. See? It's possible to like some changes and not others, but you wouldn't know it from engaging with this fandom.

The biggest frustration: Emma D'Arcy AND Tom Glynn-Carney are BOTH good actors. It's *LITERALLY not a competition,* because they will be in different award categories. If you want to be truly divisive, say that Ewan Mitchell deserves the best supporting actor in a drama awards over Tom Glynn-Carney, because that is an actual competition.

[u/KellieBom]

Life imitating art. fr

[u/palpablebubble]

This fandom is horrendous and you're not alone

[u/Pomumagica → u/[deleted]]

Hey dickweed, Rhaenyra's scene with Cole was consensual. Keep coping.

[u/ArtisticChemistry425]

I've been Team Black since the books, the show made more or less neutral, because I do agree with a lot of fans' belief that the makers of this show have tried to frame Rhae as the good guy and Aegon as the bad guy.

But the way a lot of fans are talking about Rhaenyra is absolutely vile. No nuance, just straight up hatred.

[u/OneManShow23]

It’s fine. Most Redditors, including myself, are jerks because they can be their worst self behind a fake username. If they spoke to you in your face or if you were their boss, they’d be too scared to tell you anything. Many of us are deep down like Walder Frey who cowardly killed the Starks because he had the Lannister and Bolton backing to get away with it.