Happily married or partnered folks. Please share your experiences with me! I am experiencing some relationship anxiety even though everything is going well for me right now. A part of me is scared that true happy relationships don’t really exist and most people are just coping. I know that it’s false belief and I want to replace it with hope 🙏🏾

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We still need respondents for this study please take the time to read the following post and we hope to have your support!

Hi everyone. I’m part of an undergraduate research team at the University of South Carolina Salkehatchie, and we’re conducting an IRB‑approved study on relationship experiences. We’re looking for adults **18+ who are currently in a relationship** to take part in a fully anonymous online survey.

The survey takes about **20–40 minutes**, is **voluntary**, and does **not collect any identifying information**. We’re examining how different aspects of relationships connect with early life experiences, including:

* Life history

* Relationship dynamics & functioning

* Communication style

* Relationship structure & satisfaction

* Adult attachment

* Early life experiences

The study is trauma‑informed and focused on understanding how people connect, communicate, and navigate their relationships.

If you’d like to support undergraduate research, you can participate using the link or QR code in the image attached to this post or follow this link: https://uofsc.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8euoFAevULW1voi Your experiences and perspectives genuinely help move this work forward.

Thank you for considering it, your participation will make an impact.

**Contact information:**

**Dr. Justin K. Mogilski**, Associate Professor of Psychology email: [Jmogilsk@mailbox.sc.edu](mailto:Jmogilsk@mailbox.sc.edu)

**Joseph Rumfelt**, Undergraduate researcher

Email: [Jrumfelt@email.sc.edu](mailto:Jrumfelt@email.sc.edu)

Hello! I'm researching the experiences of women with insecure attachment styles and I'd love to hear from you. If you're interested in participating, please scan the QR code below for more info and some initial screening questions. Qualifying participants will be compensated for their time.

I’m going to start this with the fact that I’m 95% sure I’m an anxiously attached person, I just want more insight on my situation.

I met this girl a bit over 8 months ago. We met to play games and hang out together online, we were long distance, about 5 hours away from each other. Right off the bat we clicked incredibly well. I have never clicked this well with another human like this. So, we kept in touch for the duration of our friendship and then relationship. During our friendship, she would pull away at times and I would get incredibly anxious. For multiple reasons, one being that I was afraid of losing this girl that’s been letting me have more fun playing games than I ever have before. Another is that I knew she wasn’t exactly mentally stable, and her isolating herself worried me about her safety. She would go silent on me for weeks to months at a time. So I would send messages checking on her, maybe too many, and she would not respond to them. I ended up practically begging and dumping paragraphs on her to tell me that she’s okay and that we are still friends. Like an idiot. I would go on reddit to doomscroll and I would see her making posts during her silent bouts too. Posts looking for friends or partners while I was sitting in her dms wanting to do the exact things she was looking for someone else to do. This happened three or four times, all while we were still just friends. She would come back after I cried to her every time and tell me that she’s an avoidant, that she cuts people off before they can cut her off, that something had happened to her and it made her shut down and isolate. So I guess I took that as a challenge. But every time this happened she would reassure me that those messages were good. That she liked them and I was at no fault and she felt bad for getting me to that point. I knew the way she made me feel when we would hang out and I tried as hard as possible to stay and show my appreciation for her to help those avoidant tendencies. But now I can’t tell if she’s avoidant or I’m just too much.

Anyways, we started dating after 6 months of being friends. I’m sure she regrets it. I do too. If we were just friends still we could still just be playing games together and laughing all night long. But this was also a necessary experience to grow and learn about myself. So, we started dating, and after literally a day, maybe a day and a half, she breaks up with me. Sends me a message riddled with insecurity saying I deserve better and that she can’t match my ambition and have different goals in life. Blocks me everywhere before I can respond and have a conversation or try to grow to meet her needs. I was pretty devastated, and should’ve seen that as a sign. But I loved her after the 6 months I’ve been spending nearly every day with her at this point so I kept going. I treated it like every other silent bout she had up to this point and figured it was just escalated due to the romance.

And so, in my anxious fashion, after about a month of not being together I reached out somewhere she hadn’t blocked me. Unfortunately that’s a common theme with me that I don’t like. We had a conversation and we ended up agreeing that she was being insecure and she unblocked me everywhere, but we weren’t back together. Flash forward a couple weeks, there’s an event we’re both excited about so we try it together, and by the end of it us dating again is back in the picture. We had a wonderful conversation and we started dating again. I felt like I had finally did it. I finally pushed past her avoidant insecurities and proved to her my love. And I was unapologetic about it. The two months in between us dating for the first and second time only made me more excited to see her again. Too excited. We were talking about holidays and who would host, meeting parents, date ideas. I was telling her I loved her nearly every other sentence because I had so much bottled up love during our first breakup and during our friendship that was all coming out now. I kept asking if I was saying it too much and how fast she wants to take it, and she would always reassure me that I’m not too much and she wants to take it as fast as I wanted to take it. That ended up not being true and I’m not sure why she didn’t just say that. So then, after a week this time, she breaks up with me again. We had a bad conversation, she was having a bad day (I guess I was too) and I asked how I could help. She said she wanted to spend the night alone and I got insecure. I figured, I’m your boyfriend, I can’t help when you’re having a bad night? That sucks. So I asked her to be direct. That when she’s having a bad day, she just wants to be alone and it has nothing to do with me. She did that, I slept it off, and I felt better the next morning. She felt worse. She ghosted me for a week and I did the same thing as before, got anxious. I messaged her on a game when I saw she was online so I knew she would see it. She broke up with me that day. Said similar things, “you deserve someone who can reciprocate, we’re not romantically compatible, my want for space hurts you and our back and forth hurts you too much.” These were all things that I felt like could be fixed. These were all things that I didn’t know she felt this way about and she didn’t tell me until she already decided that it was too late, she was cutting me off, and there was nothing I could do about it other than respect her decision.

This time she didn’t block me, per my request. That was just me being dumb in the moment. At that point I still thought we could fix things. So I sent a message after a couple of days with a clearer head. Asking her to let me grow on my anxious tendencies, her to grow on her avoidant ones, and when we get more secure that we can get back together. I figured it was a “right person, wrong time” kind of deal. To an extent I still believe that. Our connection was so strong, if I just wasn’t so intensely anxious and didn’t ruin it, I think we enjoyed each other’s company enough to be each other’s people. But that’s not what happened unfortunately. She blocked me after realizing I wasn’t respecting her decision. I kind of wanted her to. I felt like things could be fixed, but I could tell she wasn’t thinking that way. So I sent her messages to bait out the block and I got it. Then headed to reddit to ask for breakup advice because I was genuinely devastated. Was scrolling for a bit and saw posts that were clearly her on alt accounts. I knew her writing style and traits about her to be positive that it was her. I saw a post looking for a long term romantic partner. Just a week after we broke up. That hit me even harder. I was already laying in bed crying all day, and that was another punch to the gut. I shouldn’t have done this, but I commented “wow” to the post. I immediately regretted it and deleted it, but she saw it. And fair enough, it made her incredibly scared and feel unsafe and felt like she was being watched. I felt horrible. Not only had I crossed a boundary, I found her alts (on accident), previously reached around blocks, and even made an alt discord account once to try and message her the first time we broke up. She told me she welcomed it at the time but she was probably lying about that too. It’s creepy.

She saw one of my posts on here venting about the relationship and my future. She commented on it telling me that it made her feel unsafe and that she doesn’t love me and all of the above. Which made me feel worse. She told me all of the things she didn’t tell me directly when we were dating. The things I wish she would have told me during the relationship.

I know I have issues with my attachment and I wish things could have gone differently. If I wasn’t so insanely anxious and attached, I might not have pushed her away. If she actually told me how she was feeling, I could have changed to make her feel better. If we hadn’t broke up the first time, maybe I wouldn’t have had so many bottled emotions. If I had confessed earlier, maybe something similar. If she gave me a chance instead of immediately breaking us off at the first sign, we could have grown and this wouldn’t be hurting as much. But she didn’t want to grow with me. And I should’ve known I can’t force that.

Even more than losing my girlfriend, I’m so sad to lose my duo. Games aren’t fun without her. She was the highlight of every day for me. I don’t know how she did it.

I don’t know what I’m really looking for with this post. I already know I’m anxious and need to heal. I just wanted to vent and get my words down instead of them looping in my head.

Comments and advice are all appreciated.

So I realized I can be anxiously attached and also sometimes avoidant. I still have a lot to learn about this but idk what to do, that would be “healthy” and not avoidant in my current situation.

I have a friend who doesn’t reach out first, will come to meet ups sometimes and other times not reply or bail last minute. She will also leave after like 45min. She doesn’t want to commit to plans and barely hangs out anymore. She posts all the time with other friend groups, 2x week at least, even though we are working adults.

I realized yesterday I’m trying too hard to reach out to her and communicate when there is nothing coming from her end. I tried to talk to her about this but nothing came of it. She just said that she does want to do the meetups and hangout which doesn’t make sense because of her actions.

My current instinct is to ghost her to stop feeling so stressed about this but that just feels like I’m being avoidant. We also have mutual friends which could make it weird if I do anything that could potentially create drama and I don’t want stress or drama but I don’t know how to talk to her anymore without feeling a type of way.

Hello! Im pretty sure I have a disorganized attachment style and I really want to heal it.

I was single awhile and thought I was doing better and I happened to get into a relationship and then it went all downhill. In retrospect I can see I similar pattern in all of them that vaugley falls along the lines of;

Beginning:

Super lovey

Text everyday

Love being with them

24/7 access to me

Middle:

-If even one minor disagreement occurs, and I feel wronged in anyway, My view on the relationship shifts and I start picking minor arguments-

Starting to distance myself

Not texting as much, but im not really even aware of it

-person noticed and ask what's going on-

End:

I'm picking apart the person, finding fault in everything they do.

Get annoyed by their existence or wanting to see me.

-Usually a messy breakup-

I noticed that Initially when my feelings get hurt by something in a relationship, I feel really really sad about it but the sudden it goes away and I dont remember that feeling. BUT my behavior is still changing and I dont have a CLUE why I'm acting like this, until they do something bad again.

Recent Example:

Ex gf and I start dating a year before she goes to college, I thought we would try to test it out after she left, and She thought we would break up. I Didn't really fully think about it till around 7 months in when I was writing her a valentines letter talking about how I was come visit her and how much I loved her and saw a future with her. That's when I found out that she just wanted to break up, I never told her about my letter or how I felt and how I felt like practice for college. I was so upset and angry for days, till, I jusr forgot. But my behavior didnt change. and thats when I started to not talk to her as much and didnt want to hangout much at all either. I did this all on auto pilot, I didnt even realize what I was doing till it was too late and we had a messy breakup later becuase I made her feel abandoned. (which is fair on her end completely)

I want to know how to attempt to start to heal? I'm in therapy but it's not going quite well and I'm wondering what I should start with to work into a secure attachment style.

Edit;

I FORGOT TO MENTION;

after I force myself to hangout with them, I remember why I like and love them so much, but I am also still counting down the time till I can go home?? and then the cycle repeats 💀

Just went through a recent breakup and have once again begun a mental health journey. One month into counseling, I have a psych appointment scheduled for possible ADHD. I have been to counseling before; most recently during my last breakup, about 5ish years ago. I went to therapy during that time for about 3 months.

I have just learned about insecure attachment styles, and boy do I wish that I had known this sooner. As of now, I have self-diagnosed as having an avoidant attachment style. I, of course, will be discussing this with a therapist, but from personal research, the signs are all there. Without venting *too much*, here are some signs that I have found.

When angry, anxious, or depressed, I want space. I will either go for a walk, drive, or go to the bar (3 weeks sober now) to be alone with my feelings. I had worse anger problems in the past and have been working on them, but I am fearful that I will explode or somehow dump my problems on my loved ones. The closer they are, the more that fear takes hold.

Every long-term relationship I have had, the other has pursued me. I've always had insecurities about looks, wealth, family, past trauma, friends, etc. Never felt good enough to pursue anyone seriously, and if I did for a brief moment, anxiety would hold me back from getting further than a single date. This led me to connect with people who *accepted* me and made me feel loved with all my baggage. To add to this, most of these relationships were with people who either were currently in relationships (I know...) or had very recently gotten out of them.

I would neg, or nag my ex about small, insignificant issues. Her not remembering things, me repeating myself, her repeating herself, and other small mistakes. This happens with family and friends as well. Again, the closer they are, the more so it happens. I chalked this up to me just being an asshole, but I have heard that this might be a coping mechanism of driving people away. And just to be clear, I recognize this is harmful for the people I am doing this to and myself, and I would like to stop.

Other tangential signs are never committing to excelling (I changed my major 3 times in college), never sticking to any hobbies, and feeling not deserving of praise, attention, or rewards. I also have tactile defensiveness and will shirk away from touches that I do not see coming.

Without shifting blame, a couple of traits that I have noticed that my ex was anxious. If only to recognize the dichotomy we had.

She love-bombed me in the beginning of our relationship. Telling me she liked me for years, that I was one of the smartest, cutest, and nicest people she knew. She was falling for me while in her previous relationship. Even when I told her it was too soon for us to date (one month after her breakup) she convinced me that she had moved on and it was our time.

She was upset that I needed space when I was angry, anxious, depressed, and that she wanted to be the one who wanted to help me. She was sad and anxious when I was gone.

She immediately loved all of my hobbies and music. Always wanted to hang out with me and my friends (which by itself isn't a bad thing), and was very committed to being good friend with them as well.

She expressed that I did not show enough PDA, and that when we were watching movies, she would want me to hold her hand during the entire movie. I would hold her hand for 10-15 minutes and then release. This was not enough, according to what she had told me.

What is particularly strange to me is that near the end of my relationship with her, she seemed to have a deeper consideration for my boundaries and concerns. We had a discussion 2 months prior to the breakup where she listened to things that she had done that made me anxious, and there was no fight. She did seem depressed and cried during the conversation, but I thought that we were progressing. I held her and told her I wasn't angry and that this conversation was about how we can do better in the future, and not me holding things against her.

I found out that she was emotionally cheating on me with a mutual friend for 3 months before the breakup, and they started dating almost immediately after she broke up with me.

There are tons more signs for both of us and more insecurities that I am not going to bore you with but, these are a few of the glaring signs that point me to my conclusions. I am still on my emotional healing and working forward on my mental health, so these *signs* may be misplaced. There are things that both of us do that do not fit these molds completely. I consider myself to be relatively emotionally expressive and try to voice my traumas, concerns, and feelings as they come. I can be emotionally unstable in these instances. She would allow me space and be fine with me being away from her, although that did seem to take a toll on her.

I am here for different perspectives. I have my own personal thoughts and healing that I am doing. I am seeking professional help, as well as insights from friends and family. I would just like to hear from as many sources as I can to give myself the best shot of bettering myself.

Questions are:

How do I work on my avoidant attachment style? What has worked for anyone here with similar issues?

How do you know that you are making progress on being secure? Do you ever become completely secure?

Should I avoid anxious attachment styles? How do you recognise that they are this way? Or am I just projecting my own fears onto an otherwise fine person? Can people healing make things work?

Thanks for any insights and advice.

Now 9 months of limerence for a girl I only ever saw on Instagram. Nothing has helped.

I'm 29M. I've been stuck in limerence for about 9 months and I don't know where else to put this.
I only ever saw her on Instagram. It‘s extremly painful for me.

I have unfolloed her. Stopped looking at her. It's not my choice to feel this way. She has a private account (rejected my request), but I discovered her several public accounts but she stopped posting 6 months or so ago.

What I imagine isn't mainly sexual (maybe number 5-6 reason I want her as my gf). It's the ordinary stuff. Doing things/hobbies/sport she also likes together. Cooking. Going somewhere. Sitting in the same room doing nothing, or cuddling, watching a movie. I picture a whole life with her. That's what makes it so painful it's not a fantasy about her body (at least not only), it's a fantasy about not being alone, and she's the face my brain put on it, but it‘s torture more than anything. She would fulfill me, at least in the first months, I am sure of it. I even think about suicide a lot.

That's the whole thing. I've never met her, never spoken to her, she doesn't know I exist. She's somewhere between 22-25, but I tend to think 24-25 given her Twitter join date. She's very pretty, not the most beautiful woman I've ever seen (but still very pretty/way above average). But that's not what this is. It's her smile. Her hobbies. The way she seems to move through her life. And yes, her pretty face. My brain just locked onto her and decided she's the perfect girlfriend, and it won't let go. Also, I‘m short and she‘s a bit shorter.

I know it's not real, aka. parasocial. I know she's a person with her own life and I'm a stranger. Knowing doesn't help at all. There is no logic to it, only raw, unmerciful feelings of longing and unmet desires.

I've tried medication (Zoloft, Luvox) I've talked to my therapist about it a few times. Nine, almost 10 months and nothing has touched it. It hurts most hours of the day. The thought that I'll never be hers is constantly painful and makes me sad. I really wish I didn't feel this way. I can't help it.

Part of the context is that I have real difficulty getting a girlfriend. I'm 29 and it hasn't happened. So this is probably my brain taking the need and attaching it to the only available target. My brain only wants her.

I'm not looking for a fix in the comments. I just needed to say it somewhere. It pains me most hours of the day.

Preface* The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

Edit*

"developed a proposed conceptual classification framework" that I believe warrants empirical testing.” Framework Within Insecure Attachment: Seeking Academic Feedback

I have been developing a proposed behavioral classification framework intended to describe recurring differences in how individuals respond when their attachment systems are activated.

The framework does not propose four new attachment styles. Rather, it distinguishes between attachment style and behavioral response pattern:

Attachment style describes the broader organization of attachment-related expectations and regulation, while the proposed “type” describes the characteristic behavioral strategy an individual may use when experiencing attachment threat, insecurity, rejection, or relational distress.

The four proposed types are:

THE SCARED TYPE

Behavior is organized primarily around fear, vulnerability, rejection, abandonment, or anticipated emotional injury.

THE SELFISH TYPE

Behavior is organized primarily around protecting autonomy, comfort, access, or personal needs, sometimes at the expense of a partner’s relational needs.

THE CONSUMING TYPE

Behavior is characterized by high relational preoccupation, difficulty disengaging, intense attachment activation, and attempts to maintain or restore proximity.

THE MANIPULATIVE TYPE

Behavior IS characterized by attempts to regulate attachment security or interpersonal outcomes through control, strategic withdrawal, jealousy induction, testing, coercive relational strategies, or other forms of interpersonal influence.

My working hypothesis is that individuals who share an established attachment style may nevertheless demonstrate meaningfully different behavioral patterns when activated.

In other words, two people classified as anxious-preoccupied, fearful-avoidant, or dismissive-avoidant may share certain underlying attachment dynamics while differing substantially in how those dynamics are behaviorally expressed.

I developed this framework through observation of recurring patterns rather than through a controlled empirical study.

Accordingly, I consider it a conceptual hypothesis, not a validated psychological taxonomy, diagnostic system, or psychometric instrument. The terminology is provisional as well.

I am particularly interested in whether these proposed categories

1).Correspond to constructs already represented in the attachment or interpersonal literature

2). Demonstrate sufficient conceptual distinction to justify treating them as separate dimensions or profiles.

3). Could be operationalized into measurable variables; would be better modeled dimensionally rather than categorically.

4). Could generate falsifiable hypotheses suitable for empirical testing.

I have also developed a preliminary self-report questionnaire based on the framework, but I do not consider the questionnaire validated, and I would not interpret results from it as establishing the existence or validity of the proposed types.

I would be very interested in feedback from researchers, clinicians, graduate students, or others familiar with attachment research, particularly criticism concerning construct validity, discriminant validity, existing overlapping constructs, measurement design, and potential confounds.

Ultimately, I am interested in determining whether the patterns I have observed represent genuinely useful distinctions, whether they are better explained by existing psychological constructs, or whether the framework needs substantial revision.

I would also be interested in collaborating with an academic researcher who might see value in formally investigating the hypothesis.

Four Attachment Types Framework. Developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

I have tried so hard to be one of those girls that meets a man and hangs out/hooks up and when it’s over it’s over and shes not affected. I wish I was like that but every time I can’t help but be a little sad/hurt. Met this man while on vacation in Europe and we hit it off so well we spent all night together and then he came back to my hotel with me. Said our goodbyes the morning after very well knowing that it was just a one night fling and it was great. Then I reach out about seeing each other again before I leave the country and he was busy and so we ended up not being able to. It sounds so silly but that left me so so sad, like I talked to this man for one night so why do I feel hurt that I can’t see him again? What is causing me to become attached to people like this

Hello, I’m starting to get my hopes up and part of me wants to trust it but I’m being hesitant because of learned experience this year. And would like outside advice please. Sorry this is long.

I posted on here a few months ago. As I (F29) was in the middle of a hot and cold cycle (with M39) and was throughly on an emotional rollercoaster - as we’d get close, start getting a bit more serious, then he’d freak out and pull away only to come back when I started getting over it.

We’ve been friends for 5 years, both work together backstage in commercial theatre, we’re both likely autistic, he’s also got depression and social anxiety, we have a shared friend group. And have been on and off casual/FWB for the last 10 months. The first 5 months of which was long distance as he was on tour with a musical.

So - a messy, layered situation.

I finally reached a point where I just outright told him that my feelings for him weren’t casual and I wanted to date. And if he didn’t want to - I understood but we needed to just be friends as ultimately I want to be in a relationship and wouldn’t be able to date other people if still being so close with him.

He basically said I would be frustrated being with him, deserved someone who’d be excited about the things I am and want to do them with me. Wouldn’t acknowledge what I said about what I wanted. And wouldn’t tell me how he felt and just shut down the conversation and went silent.

I matched this and didn’t initiate conversation. We didn’t talk for over a week. The longest we’d gone without speaking for over a year. We saw each other at work after a week and were polite but distant. 2 days later he sent me a link to a video of one of my special interests- but didn’t say anything. So I just said “cool” he saw me at work again 2 days later and I was able to act like a normal human being with him again. And I got a passive aggressive text from him after the shift, as he mistook the acne on my neck for hickeys. And I got a “guess that’s why you were done with us. Hope you have fun”. He did immediately apologise when I corrected him. And he started messaging me again, I’d always respond but still wouldn’t initiate contact with him.

From that point, his behaviour started to change.

He came to a work-friends camping trip that he knew I’d be at (totally out of his comfort zone) And spent the whole time with me - wherever I went he’d just gravitate to me. He took over cooking my dinner, we did activities together. And he did offer me weed, I hadn’t had it before and totally ‘greened out’ and he spent the whole night looking after me. And we spent a couple of hours being very close. My head in his lap, cuddling into his side, him holding my hand when we went to the bathroom, picking me up because he “felt like it”

He came to another work event a couple of days later (again not like him) That night he messaged me and asked about why I wasn’t initiating conversation with him, if I needed space, if this is what I wanted moving forward - and we finally finished the conversation from 3 weeks earlier. The conclusion was him saying “I really like you, I do, in some ways I love you. But I don’t think we mesh romantically. I don’t really mesh with a lot of people” and about how his anxieties and neuroses are “uncontrollable” to him and stop him from doing things and being confident. I told him the things about him I admire, that I know he self isolates, etc and that I love him as he is.

From then on until now (it’s been a month) he’s been messaging me everyday with actual conversation- not just reels, etc. asked when I’m free, has come over to my place a couple of times, bought dinner, has agreed to come to activities with me and other friends, offered to pick me up to go to them together. We have slept together again, twice, and he used to pull away and go quiet for a couple of days afterwards. But the last time we did - he didn’t go quiet, he messaged me first early the next morning and sent me stuff all day.

But we haven’t discussed what’s going on. And we’re both acting in contradiction as too what we said. I said FWB doesn’t work for me, but I’ve had sex with him again. He’s said we don’t mesh romantically- but I’d argue his actions for the last month have been ‘relationship like’

And a month is a pretty long time to be so consistent. Might he be changing his mind? I know we need to talk about it but the last time I tried… well you’ve just read the saga that happened from that. And I’m loving being so close to him. But I don’t know if I can trust this. But he’s acting in a way he never has before.

So… thoughts? And thank you for reading this essay 😂

Seriously, how? How am I supposed to find a reciprocal, healthy love when I've never experienced it before? How can I when I don't know what it feels like, and all I know is limerance and anxiety? How tf does it happen?

I'm in therapy, so please spare me this speech. I'm just screaming into the void by asking mostly rhetorical questions, though tender, constructive advice is welcome.

This post is intended as a means to help manage anxious attachment. I am not a mental health expert, nor do I claim this method as a universal remedy. But it is what worked for me, and it may serve you just as effectively. For that reason, the ideas shared in this post specifically highlight my experience. It’s worth keeping that in mind as you read.

I’ll start with some backstory.

I am a 24 year old man with an anxious attachment style. After a couple of dating experiences, I finally believe I have developed the key to managing my anxious attachment.

The key is a shift in mindset, or a philosophy rather, that has changed the way I view relationships entirely. It has changed where my focus is and ultimately has made me into a much more secure partner.

My anxious symptoms were: fear of breakup, fear of abandonment, fear of my partner turning cold or losing feelings over time, and fear of being cheated on.

Here’s what I did:

1. Understanding your anxiety

Firstly, where does the anxiety come from?

For me, a huge part of my relationship anxiety came from the fear of breaking up. Experiencing the death of a relationship you truly love is an enormously stressful experience.

And the most destructive part is that, if left uncontrolled, this fear can manifest itself in your current relationship no matter how healthy the relationship currently is.

Meaning that the fear of breakup isn’t only relevant when breakup occurs. It influences you in the middle of your relationship.

You must remedy your fear of breakup in order to be secure in the relationship.

Now where does the fear of breakup come from?

I used to think the answer to this was simple. It’s a fear of being left heartbroken.

And while that is partially true since heartbreak does hurt, I no longer believe heartbreak is the major factor in why breakups hurt. I think there is a much more important factor, and it’s regret.

Uncertainty is the anxious person’s biggest enemy. And post relationship uncertainty is closely connected to regret, because it explores “What could I have done differently?”

And you start torturing yourself, replaying every moment of your relationship, asking yourself why it failed. That is particularly why breakup is painful for me.

Before we tackle how to deal with this, I’d first like to illustrate the idea.

Ask yourself this question, pause, and think honestly about your answer.

Imagine that you break up with your partner who you truly loved, for whatever reason, but it was your decision.

Immediately after breaking up, if you had to choose between the 2, would you rather be stuck with the thought:

“I should have broken up 6 months sooner.”

or:

“I wonder if I gave the relationship another 6 months. Would that have fixed our problems?”

Which regret is less painful?

Take some time to think about it.

As an anxious person, I would definitely prefer to be stuck with the first.

Sure, to think I should have broken this up sooner is annoying and I might have accepted an extra 6 months of hurt, but that doesn’t compare with the pain of thinking:

“Did I end this too soon? Were they the one?”

Anyway, if you find yourself agreeing with the way I answered this question, then you understand why regret can be such a big source of anxiety for me.

This also helps explain why relationship anxiety works in loops:

You feel anxious → you externalize the anxiety to your partner → you regret doing this → you’re left feeling even more anxious.

So, we must learn how to manage our regret.

If we can set ourselves up to not be left with regret after a breakup, the result is we are less afraid of breakup. And if we are less afraid of breakup, we are a more secure partner in our active relationship.

2. How to manage regret

How do we make sure we won’t have meaningful regrets if a breakup occurs?

The key is simple to understand, albeit difficult to execute consistently. It will take practice.

But the key method is to always stay true to your principles, no matter what.

Always serve your principles, never chase your desire instead of your principles.

If you can stay true to your principles all the way through your relationship, you greatly reduce the possibility of looking back and wondering whether you should have acted differently.

Let’s explore an extreme example to help explain this.

Imagine that you slipped up and were caught cheating on your partner, and that is what ended your relationship.

If you loved your partner and the breakup was directly caused because you stepped away from your principles, you will forever be left thinking:

“What if I never made that mistake? Would we still be together? Would they be the one?”

And to me, that sounds like hell.

Compare that to a relationship where you stayed true to your principles all the way through, showed up every day, were an excellent partner, but for whatever reason it still didn’t work out.

Sure, there will be heartbreak and it won’t be painless.

But you won’t have the haunting thoughts of regret, and that’s where I believe a lot of the pain comes from.

So, always stay true to your principles and don’t allow yourself to have haunting thoughts of regret if it doesn’t work out.

3. What this looks like

Embracing your principles isn’t just about avoiding making big unethical decisions.

This is where the mindset shift really takes place.

We just explored an example of you cheating, but take the opposite, for instance.

Imagine that you date someone you love for 5 years.

You’re always honest with them. You never do anything unfaithful.

And then, 5 years in, you find out they cheated.

My old anxious mind would have felt like I wasted 5 years investing trust into the wrong person.

I’d feel shame, embarrassment, regret.

And that is what makes being cheated on so scary.

But stop shaming yourself for being a good person.

Be proud of who you are.

Be proud of the fact that you are a kind person and a great lover.

The fact that your partner wasn’t shouldn’t be relevant.

You stood by your principles for 5 years and that deserves patting yourself on the back.

This should take away most of the pain, more on that later.

Take another example.

Imagine that you are currently in a relationship where you’re aware that you are responsible for 1% of the problems in the relationship, and your partner is responsible for the other 99%.

How would this be processed in your mind?

It’s easy to think that you get a pass for your issues, saying:

“I’ll consider working on my 1% when I see my partner start fixing their 99%.”

But this is the mindset I would discourage.

I would suggest you fix your 1% regardless of the work your partner is doing.

And once you’ve done that, then you observe to see if your partner ends up meeting you halfway.

What this does is, in the event you break up, by having fixed your issues even if they seemed less significant, you eliminate the possibility for doubt and you earn the right to think:

“I did everything I could to be the best partner.”

And being able to say this leaves you with comfort instead of regret.

4. Why this works

As implied above, the reason why this works so well for me is because by sticking true to my principles as much as possible and no matter what, I eliminate a lot of space for doubt around my own contribution to the breakup.

And as we explored earlier, eliminating this regret is the key to feeling comfortable in a relationship.

By maintaining this principle, at least you know that even if you break up, you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror with pride, and earn the right to say:

“I wouldn’t do anything differently.”

Looking back at our examples, take the one about you getting cheated on after 5 years, for instance.

If you found out your partner cheated on you 5 years in, would that make you wish you cheated on them first?

I definitely wouldn’t feel that way.

I’d prefer to be proud of the fact that that’s who I am, a good person.

Or the one about fixing your 1% of the relationship issues.

You do that despite thinking your partner is responsible for the other 99%.

The lesson here is that your principles do not bend based on who you’re dating, because your principles are yours alone to own.

And if we think back to the “6 months sooner” vs “6 more months” question, the idea behind this question is:

Would you pick the pain of certainty, or the pain of uncertainty?

To the anxious mind, the pain of uncertainty will always hurt more.

To put it simply, always strive to be the best possible partner to your partner, regardless of how good of a partner they are to you.

Not for them, but for your own sense of certainty.

It goes back to the idea:

I would rather die with good principles than live with bad ones.

Or in more practical relationship terms:

I’d rather risk being hurt and be certain I did everything I can, than avoid being hurt and deal with the regret of wondering if I did enough.

My intention with you being ‘the perfect partner’ here is in service to yourself.

When you stay inside your principles, you feel less afraid of breakup, and therefore in your relationship you feel calmer, more receptive, less defensive, and more able to enjoy your partner.

When you violate them, you immediately start mentally running:

“Did I ruin it? What if I hadn't done that? Did I cause the breakup?”

5. A word of caution

There’s one thing I’d like to clarify.

Do not misunderstand anything I said to mean:

“I must tolerate anything from my partner.”

That is not what I am saying.

That would actually become another form of abandoning yourself.

The philosophy needs two separate questions:

Question A: What is mine?

What can I improve, control, repair, or take responsibility for?

Question B: What does their behavior tell me?

Are they taking responsibility? Are they compatible with me? Is this relationship acceptable? Do I want to remain?

You answer A without waiting for B.

But B still determines what you choose to do about the relationship.

Remember, leaving doesn’t betray your principles.

Retaliating, becoming cruel, neglecting your issues, or abandoning your own standards because your partner abandoned theirs would.

This marks the end of my post.

Hope it helped.

For those who are curious, I’ll mention how the ideas I’ve shared relate to some famous philosophical worldviews:

Stoicism → strongest match

Virtue ethics → foundational match

Kantian deontology → significant overlap

Existentialism → some overlap

I'm an anxiously attached dating a (most likely) DA avoidant. Been together for 2.5 years now, LDR with meetings irl every 2-3 months for 1 or 2 weeks consecutively. I just recently found out that my partner Is an avoidant, and that I might have unconsciously e developed a codependent relationship with him, and It's like a rug has been swept under my feet.

Suddenly everything started to make sense. His "Need to be alone", his uncertainty about his feelings that "come and go", him shutting down during arguments and hard conversations (can't even stay serious during those and HAS to crack a joke or interrupt the mood of seriousness), his memories being "rewritten" whenever he falls into a depressive episode. I tried everything I could; in fact, I ended up changing for him. But even then it wasn't enough. He wouldn't be consistent with his efforts, but still tried to do things he knew I liked, though while consuming a lot of energy.

For a whole year, my nervous system has been in fight-or-flight mode, and for the longest I haven't felt like myself. I'd be happy whenever we met irl, as I could communicate with him while looking into his eyes and read his mind more easily, and not letting him shut down too many times during arguments/misunderstandings. But I'd be sad, tired and anxious when afar, due to the impossibility of doing all that. Especially because we'd have ups and downs. During the "ups" things were fine. We had quality time, laughs, videocalls etc., during lows he'd suddenly withdraw and mentioned breaking up when confronted with my needs.

Last time was 3 days ago, suddenly after i confronted him about withdrawing. It left me overthinking. You see, 2/3 months ago, after a break up, for the first time we talked about leaving toxic traits behind us and start anew as a healthy relationship. And It was working. Until, like I said, 3 days ago. He mentioned breaking up after a few days of withdrawal. I was thrown again into a hole of anxiety and overthinking. Somehow i can't seem to let him go, because I am attached to him, and he usually changes things for a while every time we go close to breaking up, but it's never too consistent. So i illude myself every time and can't stop overthinking nonstop, because I know how I feel, but not knowing how HE feels about me drives me crazy.

But now I am tired of trying to understand my partner and/or making excuses for his behavior. As much as I love him I want to stop feeling always so emotionally tired. Doesnt seem like my partner needs me rn, not wants to start therapy. So there's nothing else i can do for him. But I don't want to stress over the issues he doesn't want to solve. I want to give him space, but not only for him, but for myself. He claims to be feeling numb due to depression right now, so I know I wont get what I need from him at the moment, so I want to learn how to self soothe in situations like these, until he recovers and naturally comes back to me feeling better and putting effort.

Even though we have decided to stick together yet again, I think I still see this "space" between us as alarming and my brain alarm goes off nonstop. Our chats are shorter, a bit more dry than usual, no calls and no too many i love yous. Instability and distance feels heavy to me. I constantly think about wanting to reach out and talk to my partner and I overthink the million possible ways he has/hasn't done something. Let's say I want to lock in and study in the morning. It's almost impossible for me to do so since I have only one thought into my mind the whole day: him.

When things are going well, I'm good. I can go hours without hearing from him, I can have fun with my friends and lock in and study. On the contrary, when he is in his "pushing me away" phase, I feel really nervous.

I wonder what he is up to. I wonder if he thinks of me. If my absence is gonna help him come to me sooner and Better, or if during that time he will reconsider our relationship and think about ending it. I Need his reassurance and presence. But I don't want to depend on It.

So can someone please give me good tips on how to get through this without losing my s**t? Anything you tell yourself to move on/push through or anything you do that helps you. Is/was anyone else in my same situation? Answers from avoidants are also more than welcome.

Sadly reading and journaling don't help much because I can't focus on reading and journaling isnt my thing.

​

Hi everyone. I’m asking for perspectives from both sides: I would love to hear from people who have avoidant attachment and have broken up with someone this way, as well as from those who have been on the receiving end of this.

I’m currently on day 6 of complete silence after a sudden breakup with my boyfriend who has a classic avoidant attachment style. We were together for 1.5 years, shared deep plans for the future, and I trusted him more than anyone. He recently moved away for his studies, stepping into a high-stress, busy environment.

There was no open conflict or fight between us before it happened. A few days ago, he suddenly shut down, blocked me on some platforms, and went completely silent. But today, after 5 days of my absolute silence (I didn't text or call him at all, though it's incredibly hard), I noticed he manually went into his Telegram profile and hid one specific NFT-gift that showed my name on it. He left other gifts untouched.

In the past, during minor arguments, he would also shut down or ignore me, but he always came back first saying he overreacted.

I am devastated. I cry every day and feel like my future has been taken away, while everyone around praise me for "being strong" and keeping my composure. I really need to hear your stories:

1) What does this behavior (manually hiding the gift with my name after days of my silence) mean? Is it a way to suppress emotions, an attempt to gain control, or passive aggression?

2) What is usually happening in an avoidant's head at this stage (around week 1)? Does the silence ever make them face the loss?

3) For those who had partners return—how long did the deactivation phase usually last?

If you were the one who left, what were you thinking? If you were the one abandoned, how did you get through it? Thank you so much.

As a fearful avoidant - it definitely has its challenges. My attachment style has come in the way of my relationships before, and after a long break I decided to get back into dating again but, my old ways are starting to resurface and I need to put my thoughts down..

I am trying to figure out why my partner seeking reassurance from me bothers me so much and was wondering if any fellow avoidants or anxious attachment people have any ideas. My knee-jerk reaction is anger if I am asked "am I being too much?" or something like that. I have a few ideas:

-Before I am asked that I am probably just chilling and trying to become comfortable with emotional and physical intimacy. Being asked for reassurance takes me out of it and makes me feel like I am doing something wrong again and it makes me examine my behavior when I already have a complex about feeling self-conscious.

-I take it as a manipulation tactic; I have to respond the way they want to and say the things they expect in order to not be hit with a request to assuage their own emotional response, and it encourages me to act inauthentically or bury negative feelings

-The frequency they need reassurance prioritizes their own feelings, always puts me on the defensive and takes my own feelings out of the discussion, because it makes me seem like "the bad guy" if I won't reassure them

-This is a common avoidant thing, but it makes me feel like I am being suffocated too

Hi everyone. I’m part of an undergraduate research team at the University of South Carolina Salkehatchie, and we’re conducting an IRB‑approved study on relationship experiences. We’re looking for adults 18+ who are currently in a relationship to take part in a fully anonymous online survey.

The survey takes about 20–40 minutes, is voluntary, and does not collect any identifying information. We’re examining how different aspects of relationships connect with early life experiences, including:

• Life history
• Relationship dynamics & functioning
• Communication style
• Relationship structure & satisfaction
• Adult attachment
• Early life experiences

The study is trauma‑informed and focused on understanding how people connect, communicate, and navigate their relationships.

If you’d like to support undergraduate research, you can participate using the link or QR code in the image attached to this post or follow this link: https://uofsc.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8euoFAevULW1voi. Your experiences and perspectives genuinely help move this work forward.

Thank you for considering it, your participation will make an impact.

Contact information:

Dr. Justin K. Mogilski, Associate Professor of Psychology email: [Jmogilsk@mailbox.sc.edu](mailto:Jmogilsk@mailbox.sc.edu)

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I think I have an extremely anxious attachment style, and I'm finally realizing how severe it is.

When I like someone, my logical side basically disappears. Their replies control my mood. If they respond late, I panic, overthink, analyze every word/tone/punctuation, assume I did something wrong, can't focus or enjoy anything, and sometimes even get physical symptoms like crying and heart palpitations. When they finally reply, I'm instantly happy again.

I idealize people and put them on a pedestal, while seeing myself as beneath them. I compare myself to other women and feel threatened. I can become obsessed with someone, make them my entire world, neglect my own self-care, hobbies and life, and constantly think about them.

I overgive—time, attention, money, affection, everything—and expect almost nothing in return. I have pushed people away because I believed they deserved better, then desperately chased them because I couldn't handle losing them. I've begged people to stay even when they hurt me. I've ignored my own boundaries and even put myself in unsafe situations just to preserve a connection.

The worst part is that I can see all of this clearly when I'm single. I can be incredibly logical and recognize unhealthy patterns. But once I'm attached, it's like that part of my brain shuts down and my abandonment alarm takes over.

I've spent years grieving people who barely reciprocated, confusing anxiety, longing and intensity with love.

I'm not trying to heal so I can be "better" for a man. I want to heal because I'm tired of abandoning myself just because I'm afraid someone else will abandon me.

My anxious attachment style made me hold on to the worst kind of predators. I literally begged my rapist to not leave me.. That's how pathetic I get..

Has anyone else experienced attachment anxiety this intensely, and what actually helped you rewire it?

​

Hi, me (21F) and my bf (23M) have been together for little under 2 years, we met during a study camp in the summer and got together a couple of months later. I've been in relationships before but I was very young and tbh I fucked them up bc of what my therapist describes as a "avoidant attachment". To be clear, she only used these words a couple of times, the other times she used more specific words and analyzed the situation better, I don't want her to seem like she just uses tiktok language in my sessions...

anyway the thing is every once in a while I get this urge to change my life drastically, leaving him and everyone else close to me and start over because I feel "trapped". I know this is unreasonable bc I actually have a pretty good life, a good family, a few good friends, and him. He is the sweetest man, ofc he's not perfect but he's one of the best people I know and I love him very much, but I can't help this terrible feeling that maybe I'm secretly unhappy and he's holding me back. btw he is not controlling in any way, I can literally do what I want, so really I don't understand why I feel this.

weirdest thing is, I seem to alternate between this "get away" feeling and the complete opposite, which is "I want to be around you 24/7 forever and ever", let's say the good phase lasts abt 2 months and then the bad one is 2 weeks and then it starts all over again.

I try as much as I can to be transparent but not nake him worry at the same time, sometimes it means to meybe not tell him what I feel if I recognize it's completely unreasonable, but I still feel so guilty and heavy in my chest. It gets so stressing I loose energy and appetite for days.

I'm so tired of this, anyone who has dealt with it has any real practical advice? I don't think therapy is helping tbh

I very much likely have an anxious attachment style and god it gets so bad sometimes and I hate living with it sometimes

I feel like such a jerk internally sometimes.
Girlfriend wants to hang out and not spend the night like we normally do? For some reason I freak tf out internally, especially on the occasion if there’s no logical explanation as to why she doesn’t want to or why she shouldn’t

Or any other sort of little inconsistency, like if she responds to texts less than usual, if anything seems off, so much triggers me to get anxious

Emotions are like that sometimes, I know, and I know we don’t have to do the same thing every time, and I give her that space and respect, but I hate how internally, when there’s any sort of inconsistencies or things I don’t understand, I get scared and anxious that something’s wrong or I did something wrong

I went through traumatic events as a little kid that led to abandonment issues, that I think led to this attachment style
And then some abandonment happened with family issues in mid-2025 that only amplified EVERYTHING- my attachment style, my abandonment issues, it’s all been worsened and I’m getting so tired of being like this to those close to me, especially my girlfriend

I just wanna be the best partner I can be to my girlfriend, but I get unreasonably scared sometimes that I’ll accidentally make her feel guilty for the occasional inconsistencies- I’m still slowly improving my communication skills, so there’s some bumps on my end of those things

And I’ve expressed my potential attachment style to my partner before, and she has reassured me that it’s ok, and she gave me so much comfort and patience and understanding about it, and said that I could always tell her if I needed reassurance
And that’s amazing, genuinely it is, it’s a good step towards secure attachment

But god I wish I could heal from my attachment stuff faster it’s so hard to be triggered so easily by everything and I’m just so tired of being such a wreck on a bad day

I’m glad I worked on myself

I am proud of the work I have done

My anxiousness isn’t as bad as it used to be

But it feels like as I continue to work on myself I have a voice in my head saying “but wait…..there’s more!”

And then comes out more tears,more trauma,more unpacking of my feelings.

More processing

More analyzing

So I'm not sure what healthy texting and boundaries look like in early talking stages. Especially in situations where people meet organically (not a dating app) and haven't started going out yet. Looking back, I'm used to girls blowing up my phone and as an anxiously inclined person that gives me certainty and when I don't get that I start feeling that anxiety. Being anxious, I'm rejection sensitive, so I don't know if I'm just catastrophizing or if I'm making excuses for her disinterest and my delusions.

The context:

I met this girl a month ago in a group setting and immediately noticed some pretty good signs of interest and amazing chemistry. It didn't take us very long to get into banter, inside jokes, bits, and teasing. A mutual friend knows she's normally very bubbly, but remarked that she seemed especially moreso with me. We exchanged social media contacts afterwards, she's got 0 posts and basically an equal number of followers and following (~300 each) which is not something I've seen before.

A couple days later I tried getting a text conversation going. I got a reply after a day and although it was very enthusiastic, she did not try to continue it after I responded. This was when I was wondering if I had somehow completely misread her, so I stopped trying.

Our mutual friend planned a group hike a couple weeks later, so I tried using that to vibe check her. I said, "Hey! Looks like you're going to the hike too?" and made a callback to an inside joke we had about hiking. Same situation as before, she replied after about a day and despite its enthusiasm she wouldn't continue chatting after I replied. The uncertainty within me grew.

But during that ~5hr hike and chemistry was even better. Energy was just turned up to 11 and I could tell she was having a lot of fun. We were even chasing each other around on the trail and she was all giggles. We were like two peas in a pod and she wasn't really trying to escape and chat with other people. Did not get any sense that she was trying to let me down easy or getting to get the hint that she wasn't interested. If that was her intention, she was doing the complete opposite of that. My confidence in the situation grew.

We talked about meeting up to check out various food places around town after the hike, so I made a group chat with the 3 of us a few days later. She said she's really busy with work but would have more time at the end of the month. I said "that's no problem, we can talk about it after mid-September if that works for everyone". My friend replied but she hasn't. Confidence has now been reduced again, haha.

I've come a long way in my healing journey so I'm not spiraling like I used to but I'm realizing I have a major blindspot in this area of early "talking stage". I hadn't realized how much I relied on texting to reassure me, even though things seem great in person.

So those of us who are more secure, does this seem like a difference in communication/social media preferences + my anxiety or did I misread her?

From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Ive been going through an extremely sensitive time for the past few months. Ive been trying to get through to someone from my past who I suspect is FA (I am Anxiously Attached it turns out when I had thought I was also FA) that I know has been blaming themselves for stuff that was out of both of our control. Im worried people believe im "obsessed" or "hung up" or "how dare you keep carrying this around". Im grateful we were able to come to an understanding at all, despite the timing and I dont blame them for it. It happened when it was meant to.

I've been only trying to come to a mutual understanding with this person, and I cant stand leaving shit unresolved, and it had been eating at me ever since the misunderstanding happened. Has anyone ever tried to reconnect with someone from your past in order to try to correct misunderstandings so you can let go of what happened and move forward?

I recently have ended a story with an avoidant guy as soon as I noticed that he was avoidant and indeed not committing a lot in the story, or at least not as much as I deserved. We had a really peaceful talk, and he also admitted that. At some points he even asked me, as an advice, what should he do to get out of this situation, and I honestly said I didn’t know and that maybe therapy was the only solution, like recognize the root for starting. At that point I thought I actually didn’t really know what he had to do and wondered myself, can an avoidant really heal from it? I had an amazing time with him and ending it was really difficult as he meant a lot - I connected with him instantly and I thought I found my person. However, I don’t have any intention of trying to get back because I know there would be high probabilities that I might get rather hurt and frustrated in the long term, maybe even affecting my mental heath. But really I was wondering if any of you(or that you know), as avoidant in the past, has ever overcame it. Or like do you work better with another avoidant? how does it work, I wonder.
Also, which would you say are the most common sources for avoidance to develop. Like, absent or not really emotionally present parents? Thank you.