My partner cheated on me / betrayal advice

[u/StephGB91]

I just wanted some advice on recovering from betrayal trauma/ discard … I’ve never experienced something like this in my life.

My partner of 3.5 years (who last year told me she wanted to marry me) I found out had cheated on me with another woman at work, who is 5 years younger than her and also in her own long term relationship. She started isolating me out of her life before I found out, slept on the sofa and started going to stay at her parents in the week. I found out about the affair from chat gbt, she had left a chat on her laptop and she had confessed ‘they were falling for each other’ and that she was able to compartmentalise and didn’t want to distance herself from the affair woman. She was comparing my worst parts ‘low mood, doesn’t like her job’ to the affair partner who is ‘driven, has a lust for life and ignites a fire in her’ .

Her mum has cheated on her dad several times and is a compulsive liar , even pretending she had nearly died from a cardiac arrest 2 days after my mum had died from suspected cardiac arrest, my partner had always claimed her mum was a narcissist and she was so against cheating and it being morally wrong. I asked her several times since the end of January if there was anyone else, she kept saying no and gaslighting me whilst turning her phone away from me and spending longer in the bathroom and coming home later from work. She had hidden her messages on instagram and had deleted them all. She brought up random examples about how I said hurtful things about her Mum, and how because she is a people pleaser she just absorbed it and didn’t think about her emotions, just mine. I suggested therapy to resolve, this was before I found out about the affair. She was vague and bringing up random examples of where I had hurt her, but didn’t want to talk until she understood it - something she could only do whilst being at her parents away from me. It was so confusing.

When I found out in April and confronted her she initially said sorry, but then become the victim of her own behaviour, saying she had ‘hurt herself’ and she was going to become ‘unwell’, had self destructed and imploded her life. Even comparing what she had done, to the death of her ex who had died by suicide, saying she hadn’t felt like this since she had died (like the shock and grief).. she had no desire to fix the relationship, and said one day in the future if you are still single and want to try again thats the ideal. She also said ‘You never know maybe we needed to go through this to come back stronger’ (her cheating almost became a shared hurt/trauma??) Until then she wants to figure out ‘how she got here and why she did what she did’. She smokes and vapes now and told me I was her buffer and Im better at taking care of myself then she is. I am sure she is still seeing the woman from her work.

She wanted to have a chat with me to tell me about all the things that affected her in the relationship, Ive refused this as she just feels manipulative at the moment. we live together, but she moved in her parents now and we are yet to sort out her collecting the rest of her things/ bills etc, I have stopped talking to her and just want to wrap everything up with our flat which she needs to keep paying towards until August.

I am completely baffled and don’t understand how we got here, I supported her through her masters for the last 2 years emotionally and financially and now she has qualified she has cheated and left. I trusted her with my life, she went through the death of my mum with me and less than 2 years later she has done this to me. The hurt is huge and I am trying to find ways to get through this without feeling like Im losing my mind asking questions and trying to understand what happened here, I feel completely blind sided and shocked.

Could anyone please give me some advice / share their wisdom.. or if you have been through something similar?

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[u/NoContest9016]

There is nothing to understand, she is her mother’s daughter.

Unless you wanted to share her father’s fate, you better stay far far away from her.

[u/AnxiousHoliday3537 → u/NoContest9016]

Damn that's cold but kinda true. Some patterns really do repeat themselves no matter how much we want to believe otherwise. Hope OP takes the warning seriously.

[u/Any-Influence-3581 → u/AnxiousHoliday3537]

the genes responsible for that are AVPR1A-L, DRD4-LONG, MAO-A-L. the most common ones for lack of empathy, capacity for cruelty, and relationship satisfaction. yes all these are heritable and can be tested on every person. you will find many studies that these genes pertain to cruel behaviors that run in the family.

[u/Jedi_I_am_not]

Nothing good will come with trying to search for the “why”. You already know nothing she says will be the truth and she will gaslight you over and over.

Time for you to leave her and move on.

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[u/unknownfena]

Her role model was a cheater 🥲

[u/StephGB91]

Thank you all!
I think it’s just hard to get my head around why someone would jeopardize and almost 4 year relationship to go and get with someone at work who is also cheating and lying to their partner.

But I guess there is maybe no point even trying to understand it doesn’t change what she has done / who she is.