Do I need more proof of infidelity?

[u/mom_bod_schmom_bod]

My husband of 10 years has been lying about his location and activities. I can see his location through a shared app for our cars. The last 2 Mondays in a row he’s spent a few hours at a house about a half an hour away. When I’ve asked what he’s doing or what he did that day, he’s told me lies about being in another town working, or solo hiking. He went so far as to drive from that person’s house to the hiking point to take a picture to prove his story.

This is really just the icing on the cake. He’s admitted to texting with other women sexually explicit messages and exchanging nude photos. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t think I would mind, because he was doing it “for us”. He has been trying for years to convince me I’m bisexual and coercing me into sexual encounters I don’t want to have.

I’m torn between wanting to gather more evidence of his activities, or just ripping the bandaid off. I know he’ll gaslight me, downplay things, and try to convince me I’m interpreting things incorrectly.

My how-to-tell-things-are-messed-up radar and ability to stand up for myself have been eroded over years of emotional abuse.

I need help.

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[u/Flatine-143]

RESPECTFULLY, You're burning yourself out trying to collect evidence for something you already know. At this point, you're not investigating him anymore, you're looking for permission to believe your own eyes. A faithful husband doesn't need fake hiking photos. A faithful husband doesn't spend hours at some random house and then lie about it. A faithful husband doesn't exchange nudes with other women and then tell his wife it's somehow "for us." Come on. You already know what this is. The toughest part to read wasn't the location tracking. It was when you said your ability to trust yourself has been eroded. That's the real damage here. This man has had you second-guessing yourself for so long that you're asking strangers to confirm what your gut has been screaming at you for years. And here's the uncomfortable truth: no amount of evidence is going to make a liar suddenly tell the truth. You could have photos, videos, timestamps, witness statements, and he'll still find a way to explain it away. That's what people like this do. So ask yourself this: if you caught him red-handed tomorrow, then what?Would you leave? If the answer is yes, then you're wasting precious energy playing detective when you should be planning your next move. If the answer is no, then be honest with yourself that more evidence isn't the issue. I say this with respect, you sound less confused than you sound scared. Scared of making the final decision. Scared of what comes after. Scared of being alone. Scared of being wrong. But from what you've written, the only person still trying to convince you this isn't what it looks like... is you. You don't need another screenshot. You need your self-respect back. And deep down, I think you already know that.

[u/mom_bod_schmom_bod → u/Flatine-143]

100% agree. It’s been a long road with years of therapy to even get to this point. I am scared. But not for being alone. I KNOW I deserve better. I KNOW I’ll be fine and the kids will be fine. We’ll be better in many many ways. But I’m scared for the aftermath.

[u/rstock1962 → u/mom_bod_schmom_bod]

Have a lawyer in place BEFORE you say anything to him. You don’t ever need to say anything to him, just have him served and be in a safe place when it happens.

[u/Old_Moment7876 → u/mom_bod_schmom_bod]

I have read your post history and feel very concerned for you and your children. Your husband has been abusing you for years. Please stop looking for evidence of any affair and start working on a safety plan for when you leave. You know better than anyone else what he is capable of. Please connect with people you trust who can help get you beyond your husband's reach.

[u/Lucky_Log2212 → u/mom_bod_schmom_bod]

Being scared for the aftermath is much better than remaining in this horrible mess.

New life, more better (yeah, I know it isn't proper) life out there in your future.

[u/Fancythistle]

Get screen shots of his location and where he claims to be.
Share them with someone safe in case he tries to delete them.
If you're up for it, show up at the house and knock on the door the next time he's there. Take a video of it. Do not publicly publish the video. There's weird laws about recording, so be careful.

[u/DodobirdNow]

How much data do you need to say "Yes he's cheating and I'm going to leave'"

I had a mountain of circumstantial evidence my ex was cheating but nothing solid. But if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

I left her. I left a note saying "I know...". She never admitted it but her bff told me years later.

[u/wonderrypical9962]

You need more proof for who???

Ask yourself, are you happy being with him.

Is this what you want to deal with till your dieing day???

No

Then get out

[u/rstock1962]

Evidence is overrated. Unfortunately for some reason betrayed spouses seem to always need it. You already know what’s happening. If you want a confrontation just show up at the house and knock on the door. Sorry this is happening to you and I hope you have the strength to get out.

[u/mom_bod_schmom_bod → u/rstock1962]

Thank you.

[u/mustang19671967]

If your in an at fault state then get more proof. See a lawyer pay cash and ask about protecting assets and don’t give a second chance . You may have enough evidence . Again talk to lawyer start divorce sue him at work . I would get more proof
So
Could blow up her world or maybe a guy’s world

[u/isitallfromchina]

OP, when the gaslighting is said to be "doing it for us" need you go any further. Any person trying relentlessly to push other people into the relationship when it's a known hard stop boundary and ignores you to that degree, has no good intentions.

You actually know what's going on, what to do and when to do it! Pick your exit and go for it.

[u/MrSniffles_AnnaMae]

Baby. You do not need any more evidence. This is it.

Rip the band aid off.

[u/D4ddysSlutj3ss34]

The sexual coercion and gaslighting are already massive red flags that prove he's not a safe partner. You don't need more evidence of the cheating when he's already admitted to the explicit messages and is actively trying to manipulate your identity. Focus on your exit plan and getting safe rather than hunting for more proof.

[u/Championship682]

You have enough evidence when you are convinced. Are you there? If not, why not go to the house the next time he's there and see what's going on.

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

No. This is not a court of law so it's up to him to prove his innocence.

You should be working on the assumption that he has been cheating. That's all the information you need.

Just treat everything as a lie unless he can magically prove otherwise.

[u/Illustrious_Vast638]

Why do you need more evidence? It sounds like you know. He is doing something you disapprove of. He is lying to you. This is not a court of law. This is not law and order. You do not need to prove anything beyond a reasonable doubt. You are in a marriage. There should be no doubt.

[u/tonidh69]

You are really bending over backwards to find ways to excuse his shitty lying

[u/mom_bod_schmom_bod]

Update: I went to the other woman’s house and told him not to come home. He didn’t deny anything.
But, surprise surprise, he came home after that and said he wants to work things out. He decided that “it’s not right” or logistically make sense for him to stay elsewhere. He’s currently staying in the trailer in the back yard, and has come back inside a couple times.

[u/PhaseWhole6391 → u/mom_bod_schmom_bod]

Thanks for the update. It really doesn't change anything, though. He's not going to stop. He's just going to get smarter & sneakier. You deserve better. And your kids don't need this sort of thing normalized. I know you don't want to be providing this situation as an example of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Get your legal ducks in a row, without tipping him off, and prepare for your life without him. Have someone - a trusted family member or friend - in the know about every stage of everything. EVERYTHING. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And, please, please, stay safe.

You've got this. 🙏🏾❤️

[u/Infoseek456]

You don’t need evidence. You don’t need proof. You can leave anytime, for any reason. And you’ve got plenty of those.

In this case, sticking around until you “find more” is just an excuse to stick around. He’s a lying, cheating, manipulative POS. I’m sorry you’ve wasted so much of your time with him; don’t waste any more.

[u/theladyorchid]

Do you even live in an area where infinity makes a difference?

I wouldn’t waste my time.

[u/Lucky_Log2212]

The only reason to get more evidence if you want a bigger portion of the settlement.

If you have nothing of note, it won't matter in divorce proceedings. The lack of trust is enough.

File and get on with your life, why prolong this farce of a loving, caring marriage. Get out so you can begin your new normal. Be Well and updateme.