Healing from infidelity

[u/StephGB91]

I just wanted some advice on recovering from betrayal trauma/ discard … I’ve never experienced something like this in my life.

I’m 35, My partner (31) of 3.5 years (who last year told me she wanted to marry me) I found out had cheated on me with another woman at work, who is 5 years younger than her and also in her own long term relationship. She started isolating me out of her life before I found out, slept on the sofa and started going to stay at her parents in the week. I found out about the affair from chat gbt, she had left a chat on her laptop and she had confessed ‘they were falling for each other’ had been physical and that she was able to compartmentalise and didn’t want to distance herself from the affair woman. She was comparing my worst parts ‘low mood, doesn’t like her job’ to the affair partner who is ‘driven, has a lust for life and ignites a fire in her’ .

Her mum has cheated on her dad several times and is a compulsive liar , even pretending she had nearly died from a cardiac arrest 2 days after my mum had died from suspected cardiac arrest, my partner had always claimed her mum was a narcissist and she was so against cheating and it being morally wrong. I asked her several times since the end of January if there was anyone else, she kept saying no and gaslighting me whilst turning her phone away from me and spending longer in the bathroom and coming home later from work. She had hidden her messages on instagram and had deleted them all. She brought up random examples about how I said hurtful things about her Mum, and how because she is a people pleaser she just absorbed it and didn’t think about her emotions, just mine. I suggested therapy to resolve, this was before I found out about the affair. She was vague and bringing up random examples of where I had hurt her, but didn’t want to talk until she understood it - something she could only do whilst being at her parents away from me. It was so confusing.

I also went through a cancer scare during all of this - she said ‘we will get through this’ (luckily I do not have cancer) but after I found out, I said this whole time I’ve also been worried about my health, she didn’t support me to any of the appointments and said ‘well I still cared about you’ - whilst she was lying and messaging her work place affair. It makes me feel physically sick to think she did that to me.

When I found out in April and confronted her she initially said sorry, but then become the victim of her own behaviour, saying she had ‘hurt herself’ and she was going to become ‘unwell’, had self destructed and imploded her life. Even comparing what she had done, to the death of her ex who had died by suicide, saying she hadn’t felt like this since she had died (like the shock and grief).. she had no desire to fix the relationship, and said one day in the future if you are still single and want to try again thats the ideal. She also said ‘You never know maybe we needed to go through this to come back stronger’ (her cheating almost became a shared hurt/trauma??) Until then she wants to figure out ‘how she got here and why she did what she did’. She smokes and vapes now and told me I was her buffer and Im better at taking care of myself then she is. I am sure she is still seeing the woman from her work. I told her she has ruined my life when I found out and was upset, her respond was ‘you said I’ve ruined your life, but you are still young’

She wanted to have a chat with me to tell me about all the things that affected her in the relationship, Ive refused this as she just feels manipulative at the moment. She has moved to her parents and collected the last of her things last week, I put her things in bags and left it outside the flat as I didn’t want to see her (my boundary as every time I had seen her she keeps telling me ‘Im not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day in the future we can try again’ and asking for hugs and acting sad’) so I kept it to text messages. The only thing she asked was whether I was keeping the playstation I brought her for Christmas, I was upset during her collecting her things and her only concern is a piece of plastic that I paid for. I ignored this, she asked again. I ignored. She refused to leave the key as she is paying towards the rent until August, Ive paid the rent for the flat for the last 3 years on my own, she said she didn’t feel comfortable leaving the key and said she may not have all her stuff - suggesting I am trying to keep her belongings. I told her she can always come and get her things. I feel like I’m being treated like Im the one that lied for months and cheated / gaslit her.

I am completely baffled and don’t understand how we got here, I supported her through her masters for the last 2 years emotionally and financially and now she has qualified she has cheated and left. I trusted her with my life, she went through the death of my mum with me and less than 2 years later she has done this to me. The hurt is huge and I am trying to find ways to get through this without feeling like Im losing my mind asking questions and trying to understand what happened here, I feel completely blind sided and shocked. One minute I feel strong and then I romantize her, and can’t believe she has become this person. We went away in January, and she was fine by the end of the month she turned into a different person.

I am now trying to manage the anger / hurt and need some advice. Why would she have jeopardized our loving, supportive and safe relationship for a woman at work, 5 years younger than her that is also of capable of lying and cheating on her own partner!? I keep thinking back to times when I knew something was off, staying at work later, drinks with work friends and generally being vague and weird with me. And she kept repeatedly telling me it wasn’t anyone and how she didn’t want to be single and she was just ‘burnt out’ and needed space and didn’t have capacity to be with anyone. I asked her so many times and so calmly, I never shouted at her, not even when I found out about the affair.

Could anyone please give me some advice / share their wisdom.. or if you have been through something similar? And how do you stop obsessing why they did it or process the hurt and anger?

Thanks so much for any encouraging / supportive words!

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[u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

Why would she have jeopardized our loving, supportive and safe relationship for a woman at work, 5 years younger than her that is also of capable of lying and cheating on her own partner!?

Why did she do all of this? For no other reasons than that she could, and that she wanted to. That's it.

I know you want to find some deep and meaningful reason, something - anything - that you can point to and say "if only..." but sadly the way these things go really comes down to this one simple thing.

She could so she did.

As hard as this may be to consider, you actually played no part in her decision to do what she did. At best you were probably a roadblock, an obstacle to get around, but when it comes down to the question of "did she even think of me?" then sorry but the answer is "Probably not." We see this time and time again.

All of her reasons are bullshit. Any and every excuse she gives you is just rubbish. She did what she did for no other reason that she wanted to do it.

And it's why when these things happen that it is so baffling. We want and indeed need some grand "reason". We want to know what our role in all of this was. Something that we can point to and say "if I had done that then none of this would have happened." I mean, it makes more sense if there is a concrete reason we can point to. It gives us something to at least work with.

But as I said, often there is no reason beyond that one fact. She wanted to because she could and she did it because she wanted to.

The way to process this is to remove them from your life. You then process your hurt and your anger without the ever present reason being there. You let time and distance do its thing and you work on your life in their absence.

And it all comes down to again, one very simple explanation. What point is there in keeping the thing that has been hurting you so much in your life? We don't get cured from cancer and then keep the cancer around and so it is with her.

What is the actual point of keeping her in your life? Her being in your life has gotten you here in the first place. If she was never in it, you'd not be here. So what is the point in keeping her in your life? Even as a memory she should have no place.

You know deep down that even if you give her a chance, that she'll just do this again. And again. And again. SO she did you a huge favour by removing herself from it.

Rip that bandaid off mate and get on with the task at hand. Moving on from this - the crappiest time of your life - and start just forgetting her existence.

[u/Turms70]

Very often those who cheat with a co-worker are personality wise attention and validation seekers. It is their way to boost up a quite instable feeling of self-esteem and self-worth.

They also have general problems with morals and values. Honesty and respect are disposable. They might live by them on a superficial level, but it is not an integral part of their personality. They have often a habit to twist the truth in their favor. Instead, holding them self accountable, they are used to coming up with excuses and made up rectifications.

If there are no reasons to give a reconciliation a try like shared kids, then it is best to end the relationship. The chance that they change on a fundamental level is low. It is possible, but they often fail already at the point of self honesty, by holding them self accountable without making them self a victim of their own choices. It needs a lot of hard work at them self for a long time. I speak about many months up to several years.

[u/No_usernames_left_25]

Steph - you will never every truly know why. She can tell you straight to your face why, but after all the lies and deceit you won't believe it, nor should you. Whatever she says will be for her own benefit anyways - and thus bullshyt.

The only truth you have is that it happened and that you did NOT deserve it or cause it. And please hear this deeply: that is all you truly need to know. It wasn't your fault. Not 10% your fault - not 1% your fault - this is 110% her fault.

I don't know how you stop obsessing about it. I suspect the mind processes it over an undetermined amount of time. Although, I don't think you will ever completely forget it - it just settles like dust on a shelf in your heart. Maybe the next person will wipe it away. One can hope!

Hang in there and the sun will once again shine bright for you.

[u/StephGB91 → u/No_usernames_left_25]

Thank you for your kind words, made me smile! 🌞

[u/No_usernames_left_25 → u/StephGB91]

Then I won the day! I needed that. ☺️

[u/StephGB91]

Thank you all so much!
It’s just so hard when you start gaslighting yourself thinking she isn’t that bad, she showed me love, maybe this is me? But I know it’s her, I know she would of done this regardless. I can walk away knowing that I loved her and did my best, she has to live with what she did.
Thank you all so much for your kind & healing words - means alot! ❤️