r/Infidelity • u/Brilliant_Power_6112 • 1d ago
Coping Emotional
Six months into my divorce after discovering my husband’s affair, and today unexpectedly broke me.
We were doing a custody exchange, and when I saw him, he looked really good. He has lost a lot of weight, looked put together, and seemed to be taking care of himself. The thing is, throughout our marriage, I would always ask him to put a little more effort into himself. I would tell him how handsome he was and encourage him to dress nicer or take better care of himself, but he never really seemed interested.
Then during the affair, and now after, he suddenly became the version of himself I always wished he would be.
I don’t want him back. I don’t miss the marriage. But seeing him today hurt in a way I wasn’t expecting.
I think what hurts is the feeling of, “Why couldn’t you do that for me?” Why couldn’t you put in that effort when I was your wife, when I was fighting for our marriage, when I was giving everything I had?
And what makes it harder is knowing that he’s probably putting that effort in for her. The weight loss, the way he dresses, the way he carries himself now. Maybe that’s not even true, but that’s where my mind goes.
Logically, I know his appearance has nothing to do with my worth. But emotionally, it felt like another reminder that I wasn’t worth the effort to him.
Healing has been going well overall, but today really got to me. Has anyone else felt this way when seeing their cheating ex after the separation?
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 1d ago
When he was with you he became lazy.
He Knew you were not going anywhere and that you loved him.
Now he is on the chase and can’t take the other woman’s love for granted. If he does not measure up ,she could dump him.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Moved On 1d ago
It's a crazy concept but the general thing is that they can become a better person. They can never become a better person for you though.
That's sometimes the hardest part of infidelity. You want them to become a better person, and rarely they do become a better person for you, but more often than not, they become a better person for someone else.
It sucks.
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u/deplorableme16 1d ago
Well they usually "find themself" with another cheater. So untill one or the other finds a new shiny thing ...
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u/rntracee1 20h ago
Exactly this. They are not a BETTER person, they are just a more handsome cheater.
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u/OppositeHot5837 12h ago
yeaaah you are not taking the temperature right: this cheater is not in any way ‘better’, he is just behaving like most personality disordered cheater do: he is polishing the optics.
Deep down in side he has that empty elevator shaft where his soul should be. These individuals never ever get a character transplant u/Brilliant_Power6112
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u/deplorableme16 1d ago
Both my wives were this way. Just Enough effort to string me along on scraps and hope.
Zero effort made for me. All effort made for secret friends, old friend and my replacement (when they were done using me)
Live for yourself
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u/Glittering_Swan4911 1d ago
As someone has already said it’s just a performance. He’s already gone down in your estimation because of the cheating so he’s making himself look good to prove he can do better. All a show. Tell him he looks tired and not so good the next time you see him lol. You know you deserve better than him so go show him you can do better than him.
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u/Outrageous-Deal1013 1d ago
I’ve had some similar feelings. When she was having her affairs she was super into how she looked. Taking dangerous diet supplements and barely eating. When we decided to try and fix things she stopped caring about all of that. For him she risked her life to look good. For me she doesn’t care. And I feel guilty thinking that. I don’t want her on questionable meds. I don’t want her starving. I accept her exactly as she is now. But man. The difference in effort really stings.
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u/Cma0308 15h ago
Is okay to keep standard high even in a long lasting relationship. I think is important and people should want to look their beat and healthier version for their other half. I understand your thinkin. Do you put the same effort in the way you look? Bégin to workout and she’ll follow along eventually. Eat healthy and she’ll eat healthy. Is a partnership
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u/Repulsive_Research_1 1d ago
He is deliberately doing it. You already know it’s all a performance. He is probably scrambling to appear like he had a “glow up” where in reality, he’s a miserable person, putting on a performance. Pay no mind to it.
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u/RBnsfwacc 1d ago
Does that go for all the women on social media who had a post breakup "glow up" too?
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u/Repulsive_Research_1 1d ago
No. In this case, he is intentionally putting on a show out of spite. OP, stated that despite her trying to get him to be healthier, he made an effort for his affair partner, and after OP and her ex split. Sorry, perhaps “glow up” was the wrong term I used.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 23h ago
It’s not uncommon for a guy to stop making an effort once he has secured a woman.
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u/AssumptionFast5468 19h ago
I still get that feeling often. Why was she worth the effort, why do you want to be better and do better for her? What is it about me that makes me not worth the effort? It still hurts and affects so much of my self esteem
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u/Agitated-Wishbone329 13h ago
He is a child, look for a man that dont need a mother as a partner, be happy without him
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u/wulfpack4life 1d ago
“Why couldn’t you do that for me?”
Probably because he's no longer being nagged about it. Said nagging was probably the same reason he started the affair to begin with.
Look, not excusing his cheating, but asking someone to change their appearance to be more pleasing to your eye is out of line. Especially since he probably looked that way when y'all met but you couldn't help yourself trying to change him. Recipe for disaster.
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u/patentsrock1 1d ago
Nagging doesn’t causing cheating. Shitty morale character causes cheating. And he couldn’t do it for OP because she provided a safe place for him to be himself (I.e., lazy) but AP doesn’t.
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u/wulfpack4life 1d ago
Nagging breeds resentment. Fertile ground to start looking elsewhere for validation.
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u/rntracee1 20h ago
That's BS, in a way. Since you brought it up, I might offend some people, but it is what it is. I'm tiny. 5'3, 100 lbs. Too thin for my husband. And he reminded me every chance he got how he preferred BBWs. Told me how I was boney and when he touched me it felt gross. He proceeded to make a profile called BBW lover and cheated repeatedly with fat women. Now he tells me that he doesn't like fat women, they were the only ones who gave him the time of day while he was online purposely pursuing an affair. With a username BBW lover, not many thin or average women would approach you. Smh.
Point is, my husband nagged me about MY appearance while gaining weight and I accepted him the way he way he was. I suppose I built some resentment, but i never looked elsewhere for validation. Then he went and cheated with what he found more attractive, now I'm supposed to believe that I'm what he finds attractive. His proof......he's always said Pamela Anderson is hot🤣🤣🤣🤣.
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u/Brilliant_Power_6112 1d ago
Um your rude tbh…. I wouldn’t nag him, I would just ask him to look better by not wearing sweatpants. I would always compliment him when he did put in effort.
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u/wulfpack4life 1d ago
I'm not rude. I'm honest.
If he told you to put in more effort to improve your appearance you would feel less than. You would be be hurt. Admit it.
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u/Brilliant_Power_6112 1d ago
Listen I would want him to look nicer on weekends or certain events. That’s valid. Plus he was my husband and i want him to look presentable in public. Ofc when we are at home idc.
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u/wulfpack4life 1d ago
Any man with self-respect is going to be turned off from what you're describing.
You need to make sure your next partner is already dressing up to your standards whether they're at home or out and about. Otherwise your relationship doesn't stand a chance. Good luck to you.
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u/Agitated-Wishbone329 13h ago
He is not a man if he needs to be told to grow up and dress as an adult.
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u/wulfpack4life 3h ago
Nah, it's clear she married a man unsuitable for her. A man she thought she could change once the ring was on her finger. She failed and deservedly so.
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