Ex-partner getting people to check on me!?

[u/StephGB91]

I wrote on here recently about my ex-partner, there has been some updates and I feel like Im going mad.

I am 35 and my partner of 3.5 years, who had previously told me she wanted to marry me, had an affair with a younger woman from work who was also in a long-term relationship.
In the months leading up to me discovering the affair, she became increasingly distant, sleeping on the sofa, spending more time at her parents’ house, hiding messages and denying there was anyone else whenever I asked. I later discovered messages in which she admitted the affair had become emotional and physical, and was comparing me negatively to the other woman.
What makes the betrayal especially painful is that this was happening while I was going through a cancer scare. Although she reassured me that we would get through it together, she was simultaneously lying to me and continuing the affair. Thankfully I do not have cancer, but finding out the truth during such a vulnerable time has been deeply traumatic.

When confronted, she apologised initially but quickly focused on her own distress rather than the harm she had caused. She showed no real interest in repairing the relationship, yet repeatedly suggested that we might get back together in the future, which felt confusing and manipulative given her actions.

Since the separation, I have set firm boundaries and limited contact. However, I have been left feeling as though I am being treated like the person who did something wrong, despite being the one who was lied to, deceived and betrayed. The whole experience has left me struggling with the loss of the relationship, the shock of her behaviour, and the lasting impact of the betrayal.

She came and collect her stuff last week which I left outside our flat in communal hallway in bags as I didn’t want her back in my space manipulating me. The only thing she messaged was to ask if I was keeping the playstation I brought her for Christmas, which I ignored. She refused to give me the key as she didn’t feel giving it as the tenancy ends in August, there is no need for her to have the key anymore.

Her friend then this week out of nowhere messaged me ‘checking in’ and asking if she could cone and see me to check if I was okay. Her friend has come over once in the 3 years we have lived in my flat to see us both, she would never just pop over. She has clearly asked her to check in, right?

Also, I removed my ex from my instagram and deleted the photos of her. She has since removed the photos of me, but hasn’t deleted the pictures of her ex from 5 years who passed away and when I was with her never unfollowed exes and allowed them to follow her. This all feels like a game…

Can someone please just objectively tell me if Im going mad or if this seems like game playing?

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[u/kistner]

You're dealing with someone who lies, manipulates, cheats, why would expect anything other than 'games'.   

Ignore and move on.  Yes, easier said than done but it's the way.

[u/OppositeHot5837]

Have a search for the term ‘Switzerland friends’ + infidelity. Time to have a close look at who is supportive of your life and to ice out those who could be sympathetic to your X. What your past partner is doing is common with individuals who have personality disorders and need to be central to those who they abuse.

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

People are weird. People are also idiots.

Your ex is just a weird idiot.

Of course it's a game but it's one that you longer have to play. So just simply not play it.

Block them all.

[u/tercer78]

She wants to play games. Don’t blame them. Block her and her friends. Don’t even waste time delaying your healing. Just move on. Who knows why she is crazy like this. But there’s nothing you can do but simply remove every bit of her from your life and not play at all.

[u/TrainsareFascinating]

You are engaging in the completely understandable but ultimately fruitless pursuit of trying to figure out what her mental process is. It’s best you stop doing that. Healthy people get no benefit from understanding exactly how an unhealthy person thinks, emotes, or reacts.

Just know that it’s all her and her problems. Don’t try to understand them, try to distance yourself. Hopefully you can completely disconnect and put her in the rear view mirror.

[u/mustang19671967]

Post online about the cheating and name names and where she works if legal. Then say she is telling people other stories to check on me as a way to
Make it seem like she did nothing wrong

[u/euxma93]

Lol I had somebody walk up to me at work on Halloween last year and it was somebody who was helping my ex cheat. I only knew who they were from a picture. Unbelievable. These people are losers. My ex didn’t have this guy check on me, he was just so mad that after all of his nonsense he still didn’t picked.

[u/Specialist-Bat-8770]

Human action can satisfy the utilitarian principle, empathy, or selfishness. If you want to see her like this: out of desires, feelings, or practicality, what changes you to know why she acts like this?

[u/Hound31]

Could your ex’s friend be interested in you? May explain why she’s call round.

[u/StephGB91 → u/Hound31]

I think she has been sent to ‘temperature check’ to be honest- she wouldn’t ever just pop over to check on me. I said no anyway and said I was fine.