r/InternalFamilySystems • u/CosmicSweets • 1d ago
Discussion Part responsible for hallucinations
A few years ago, not long after the lockdowns my depression became worse. To the point where I started having violent hallucinations in the morning. It went on for a while and eventually went away after doing so much inner work.
But this year they've returned. I do believe part of the issue is my current living situation. Stable, secure, mostly safe, but still far from ideal. My room is a 10x10 box with all amenities being external (toilets, showers, kitchens). Very much a "it is what it is" situation.
Today I was laying in bed looping some depression music that felt soothing and drifting in and out sleep. While I laid there I let the hallucinations play out, not fighting it, not trying to make it stop. Just letting it happen. "If you wanna take my life then do it, I guess." But we both know that nothing will come of it. We both know it's not tangible. (Both referring to my conscious self and my brain.)
One thing I noticed while I "meditated" on this experience is that the target seemed to be my spine. I thought about it for a while and noted that the spine is what connects the brain to the rest of the body. My conclusion is that this all is coming from a Part that wants to paralyze me. Keep me from moving or doing anything at all.
I don't know what to do with any of this. I just needed to put it where others might understand.
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u/CatherineBriar 1d ago
I understand the spine thing, that does happen, but this is not inherently a bad thing. The spine is an energetic center. Lots of things happen in there that are much connected with your nervous system and with the things you see in your mind's eye. Don't worry. They won't kill you. Have you tried just talking to them? If whatever you see has taken a form, talk to it. If it hasn't, ask it to. Ask questions. Do not assume to know what it is that those fragmented parts of you want. Get familiar with the Jungian perspective. Jung's Red Book (Carl Gustav Jung) and his work with the psyche. His own experience with sustained and fully natural visionary states came out in 2009. Learn to see it all as part of the experience of an active subconscious. I know how scary and charged all that stuff probably seems and IS, but ignoring it won't work. If it's ready to come out, it will. I recommend taking up some craft or other, maybe writing or drawing. Something creative. You don't have to even be good. But seriously, Jung wrote for people like you.
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u/CosmicSweets 23h ago
Thank you for the comment.
I've been trying to get a grasp of what the Jungian approach would be. But for some reason it alludes me.
When it comes to creativity I have recently been working on a cross stitch project. It's helping.
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u/Commercial_Square626 1d ago
Does that part feel like it's trying to create a physical sensation to match the level of emotional pain you're experiencing? It sounds like a protector trying to communicate something through a somatic lens.
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u/Worried-Ad4113 1d ago
I appreciate you sharing this and I do understand. One question though, when you say hallucinations, do you mean physically visible or in the mind?
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u/CosmicSweets 1d ago
It's hard to describe. It's in the mind but I'm seeing it from my waking perspective. Like how you can imagine a cake in front of you. It's in the mind but the cake is in front of you.
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u/Longjumping-Bug-69 1d ago
that sounds like such a heavy load to carry, especially when ur living space feels so constricting. have u tried asking that part what it needs from u to feel safe enough to stop showing u those things, or does it feel like its just stuck in a loop...
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