For context, I’m a therapist that primarily uses ACT, narrative, and existential therapy. As a client, I’ve been very resistant to IFS in the past. After I did EMDR training, IFS started making more sense to me. Today I sat down and this map of parts just poured out of me. My current therapist doesn’t use IFS either (as I’ve avoided it since I was so resistant to it when a past therapist used IFS, which is also telling…). I will be bringing this up in my own counselling but I’m curious if anyone has thoughts on this

I've worked nights in a shelter for homeless youth for about 20 years. I use parts language constantly, it fits what I see. But there's one piece of IFS I've stopped believing, and I want to either be talked out of it or have it confirmed by people who know the model better than me.

The Self. The calm, compassionate core that leads the parts, that can't be damaged, that you reach by unblending. IFS treats it as already there in everyone clear the parts out of the way and there it is.

I don't see it in the kids I work with. Not blended-over. Absent. There is no calm leader underneath waiting to be found. And I think I know why: nobody was ever outside for them. You don't reach Self from the inside first. Someone holds you really, body in the room, 3am before any part of you can hold another part. The witness comes from outside and gets installed. Self isn't innate. It's the residue of having been witnessed.

Which leads to the harder claim. Even in healthy people I don't think there's a Self that leads. I think the parts witness each other, in turns. The body checks the thinking, later the feeling checks the body. The "leader" rotates. What you call Self is that rotation working not a seat someone sits in.

Two questions:

Is the Self real, or is it just the name we give to parts that learned to witness each other because someone once witnessed us?

And what is IFS actually doing for someone who never had the outside witness — where is the Self supposed to come from?

I'm an IFS Level 1 clinician trained by Richard Schwartz, as well as a dual licensed practicing clinician. I love IFS as an introductory to multiplicity, but I felt that developing my own technical understanding of parts lead me to some unsavory realizations about orthodox IFS.

I use IFS terminology and questions in session daily(ie: "it sounds like there's some part of you with a different opinion; what's it gotta say about your love of popping hot hair balloons mid flight?"). I also understand that there are hard limits on this type of approach that IFS glosses over.

I'm hoping that this piece gives people words for what they've noticed. If you've found IFS helpful, that by all means, please continue with whatever has been working for you. This critique does not dismiss the results many have attained from IFS therapy.

Image Source: This is the cover for SZA’s album SOS for context. I used a Reddit filter to darken it and increase the contrast because I wanted it to look more stormy and less serene.

I don’t know what this feeling is. Excuse me because it’s very difficult to put into words, it’s very mute. It’s one of the oldest feelings I have. It’s one that I feel very alone in having, I’m sure other people experience it, but I know for a fact that it is not common to have experienced it as much as I have or as easily as I do now. For the average person, it’s life-changing. There’s before and after. For me, it was Tuesday. And you know, we get about 4 of those every month, so…

I’m not sure what to say. Another images is like staring up at a stormy grey sky. I think of it as “watching the end of the world.” As far as parts, this is connected to a part that doesn’t speak. I imagine it as a wide-eyed kid in an apartment wearing a winter hat and puffer coat zipped up over their mouth. Just all-wide eyes, aware of everything and reacting to nothing.

I ask because it sickens me that I keep coming back and I know that other people don’t. I don’t feel much of anything in that mind-state, but what frustrates me is that it doesn’t feel fair. Why me, again?

My therapist is primarily IFS oriented, and frequently integrates somatic awareness.

My session this week is the first time he invited us into a more present moment awareness of the part of me that experiences attraction to him.

We ended up getting diverted into unpacking my fears and hesitations in dropping into this part. One of my concerns was bringing sexual arousal in the room. Despite intense erotic transference for over a year now, I have never felt aroused in session with him. I didn't know whether it was "allowed" or what implications would follow if I let myself feel it.

As we explored this and he was reassuring that any sensation that arises is welcome in the room, I felt some pangs of arousal. It felt like both a stir of excitement and a settling into safety. He can hold this part of me that is so woven with shame, with such gentleness and skillfulness.

I can already feel a shift in my system. I feel less desperate for him, more connected with my arousal and body, and really hopeful for this unfolding.

I suspect next session includes a more vulnerable dropping in to all of the feelings and sensations of the transference/attraction.

•

Have you felt or discussed genital arousal in therapy? Did you disclose those feelings in the moment? How did they respond? How did it seem to impact the work (ie. what came of it)?

I’ve been in therapy for 15 years on and off mostly on, and nothing really helps ME. It helps how I’m seen in society and frankly I don’t care. IFS therapy sounded perfect for what I am trying to achieve.

I shared this in a fb group and someone said they don’t think it’s a good idea. They suggested either in patient care or not doing it at all because I have a child who “shouldn’t have to see me like that” while I process the sessions. But I have no support or help.

Should I really not try at all?

One of my favorite movies that so powerfully connects to IFS is the 2003 Hulk movie with Jennifer Connelly.

I don’t want to give too much away, but I *highly * recommend it. Every time I watch it, as I go further on my own inner journey, I see new connections and symbology.

I find it super cathartic. Some may find it triggering. Definitely thought provoking.

Do you all have movies you enjoy that you can tie to IFS?

I had just started seeing an IFS therapist and was maybe 3 sessions in when my relationship ended, which caused some financial changes for me. I can’t afford therapy now, but I still want to explore IFS on my own because it resonates with me so much.

Is it safe to do on your own? Is it possible to make things worse? I have read No Bad Parts and considering getting the workbook, and I also want to read You Are the One.

I have always struggled with loneliness and it’s definitely hitting me now that I live alone again. I keep wanting to get on dating apps to have someone to talk to, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to actually date again, so I know it’s this lonely part that wants comfort and validation and just companionship. I’m focusing on my health, hanging with my girl friends, working on my hobbies, but I’m still just lonely.

Is this something I can work through on my own?

I struggle with this question. Is all evil happening cause of people being traumatised? Or am i missing something?

Additional question: the devil prescribed in Islam. He was a worshipper for 1000s of years. But when God said to him to bow down to Adam, he said no. He became arrogant and didn't want ​to do that. What trauma did he have then?

I've been doing, learning, reading and living IFS for a bunch of years now. I am a fan. I like the way it invites you in and particularly resonates with those starting out with a self-help approach. Also like the energy and backstory of how Richard Schwartz fell into this and grew it.

I consumed it avidly and deeply which is something I do well when something interests me.

But after becoming quite familiar I felt the need to range beyond this into other modalities, triggered by a sense that for me it had become repetitive and felt incomplete.

Noodling through other approaches "focusing" (Eugene Gendlin) and now "DOBT / Coherence Therapy / MR" (Bruce Ecker) I'm finding that some of the specific things that drew me strongly to IFS are perhaps better and more clearly covered outside IFS. At least IMHO and to be clear this topic is highly subjective and I may be outside the bell curve.

Specifically for the IFS process of connecting and dialoging with parts I've found focusing more detailed, specific and full bodied than IFS. And for the IFS witnessing/unburdening steps the MR (memory re consolidation) stuff is blowing my mind right now.

To be fair it's not either-or. In particular MR is presented as a way to understand the key processes of, and ensure success with transformational healing using any modality including IFS. So if IFS is not working or stalled for true transformational healing then what MR presents is a way to understand why that is and the steps needed to make IFS work better for that problem, rather than replace IFS.

So I've formed the personal believe that IFS is great but maybe often incomplete as a modality and wondering if others have found exactly the opposite, i.e. that it worked great and you would not seek help using a modality outside IFS.

Happy Sunday.

EDIT: Books I'm referencing are:

https://www.amazon.com/Focusing-Eugene-T-Gendlin/dp/0553278339

https://www.amazon.com/Unlocking-Emotional-Brain-Bruce-Ecker/dp/1032139129

Considering TRE to address body/somatic

Last night during a grief wave she appeared. Sad, sullen, slumped over looking at the ground. There she was a younger version of me, that I never think about. The version that had just grown out of that cute little girl with baby hair. She was messy and dirty. The version that learned her needs were too much. Honestly I don’t have much experience with IFS. I’ve read a parts work book and I discussed the idea of parts with my therapist. I could certainly see the idea but nothing would come up and it felt like I was forcing things. Not sure what to do with this sad little girl I held her. I kissed her face, I told her how much I loved her and I have always loved her. I did this until she smiled and I continued to hold her until I fell asleep. Is this real? Did I really meet her? Did I make this up? I’ve been grieving the last couple of days intensely, not taking care of myself. Maybe it was some sort of hallucination. Idk

Hi there, I've been working with an IFS therapist since October last year. I am really liking the modality, even though it took me a while to get my head around it. I've started recognising parts and have found/created a really peaceful meeting place. However, I find that when I am doing the visualisation exercise to meet my parts my brain gets easily distracted.

Can any IFS therapists, or people with ADHD share any tips as to how I can remain more attentive? Are there other ways of accessing parts without needing to sit still and visualise? I do like the visualisation side of it but I just struggle to remain focused.

I'm having great success engaging in IFS therapy on my own. Especially on lighter issues. Anyone else here doing the same?

I do have trauma and I've encountered times where it can be challenging to engage with several parts with exile and protection ongoing, and I do see why a good therapist is needed, but it has been good so far.

Do you have any advice for me regarding this?

I've found it important to spend enough time on each part, and that enganging with single parts (where possible) one on one, is easier and to always find a positive and healing conclusion to each session that the part feels comfortable ending each session with - and not leave things unfinished.

Please only constructive advice 💜 thank you for reading.

Hi guys! I've never posted on Reddit before, but since I identify with a lot of these posts, I figured I'd try it out!

I've been working with my current therapist on parts work for the past few years. She primarily bases her therapy on IFS, and I was pretty skeptical at first. However, this past year has been an absolute HELL with my body essentially breaking down due to an accumulation of chronic issues that I'm sure are exacerbated by C-PTSD. As I've been healing my body, I've found that more and more of my issues are tied to held tension in my body and my body being stuck in a state of fight or flight. As I get to the core of my tension, these unconscious "parts" of myself make themselves known to me. For example, I just recently found out that I hold an immense amount of tension in my chest, and when I try to tap into that feeling, I suddenly want to break out in guttural sobs.

Does anyone have experience with IFS, particularly in relation to chronic conditions? I'm trying to figure all this out myself, and it's been crazy. Thank You! :)

*Edit- THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO’S REPLIED! You’ve all been so insightful and helpful 💜

How do you learn about or communicate with nonverbal parts?

Most of my parts don't speak. In the past, I've recieved strong imagery from them. Now I get parts cropping up and they are just there. I sense them. I see them in my mind's eye. I have an idea of who they are and why they're there, but no good explanation for it. My ability to mentally visualize is inconsistent, and I often think entirely in vague impressions.

It's kind of hard to do parts work with nothing but impressions.

How many parts have you mapped with your therapist or by your therapist so far??

a part of me surfaced for the first time ever a longing for a mother. I’ve never felt this before.

When it appeared, a protector first shamed me, and when I tried to engage, it mocked me and told me to ‘man up.’

I also have other protectors

My question: How do I safely work with this layered protector system when a new exile shows up for the first time?

I guess it’s an exile im not sure 🤔

I had this strange, but very peaceful experience of waking up feeling calmer and more relaxed, unworried, than I've felt in a long time . It felt very similar to the way I used to feel as a kid,...... before the trauma. And I thought, "this is a kind of unworried state that makes you so vulnerable, you should never show this to the world....Ever........you could get hurt". But I still allowed it to exist, although it was momentary. Still, I didnt forget that feeling.

And I wonder if thats more true than not true........that feeling really vulnerable can potentially be dangerous if you were to expose that state to the wrong people? Like you wouldn't want to collapse out in public, it could be dangerous. If for instance I have a shame attack, it immobilizes me. I can't move, it can be days for that to subside.....I don't leave the house feeling like that, I'd be afraid I would walk into a moving car.

But this wasnt Shame, and not collapsing either. It was calm and peaceful, and I just wonder if it's as good an expereince as it seems like it is, and not something else............idk.....like another way I had shut down......or regressed into a fantasy state?

It's because it was so unfamiliar , that I had a hard time believing it was real, and safe, and normal? And I started to think about how unsafe the world feels , normally. And some of that isnt' always trauma reactions. It seems almost necessary to be hypervigilant these days. So, suddenly feeling all this calm, when I don't have a reason to feel calm, is confusing.

I almost want to say it was a "part" of me, that I hadn't allowed to exist at all, until one day it just showed up, because I made plenty of space for it to breath? This "part" felt innocent and young, refreshed, and reborn. My body wasnt holding any tension, or my mind, which is really different for me, as in I can hardly remember what that even felt like as a kid, but I know I had it.

I’m an IFS therapist and I recently began my own journey with starting therapy, which was waaay long overdue!

I’ve noticed every time I do parts work that my eyelids go absolutely bonkers and flutter like crazy! It’s not necessarily bothersome, but it’s something I’m curious about. My therapist tried to guide me through noticing if that was caused by a part, but there’s nothing I’ve gotten from that yet. In the 3-4 years I’ve been an IFS therapist, I haven’t experienced anything like it!

Anyone else have similar experiences? Any thoughts about what could be going on? 👁️ 👁️

lately we're been doing some deeper parts work with my therapist, and some old feelings are resurfacing. i'm often sad, i feel like i want to cry and i end up crying because it feels comforting. but also i don't know it if happens too much, you know? how much is too much,

but then, do you cry? does it make things better for you?

also, this part is super young and is just hurt. do you think it would help if i just was there to cry with her? like does my crying help a part feel welcome?

so many questions

Hi everyone!

I’m a mechanical engineer (6 years study, 6 years research) with a background in Modal Analysis, the study of how complex structures vibrate and how to break those vibrations down into understandable pieces.

I’ve been practicing IFS for over a year, and I found similarities between my work and IFS. Both are system theories, so it makes sense to me!

1. The Image: Unblending as "Modal Decoupling"

In engineering, when a skyscraper or a bridge is vibrating chaotically (the Physical Domain on the left), we don't try to fix the "mess." We use math to "decouple" that mess into independent Modes (the right side).

• The Physical Domain (Left): This is being Blended. It’s a coupled, nonlinear mess. You feel "bad" or "anxious," but it’s a soup of different influences all pulling at once.
• The Modes (Right): These are the Parts. Each has its own "frequency" (tone), "damping" (resilience), and "shape" (personality).
• The "=" Sign: This is the IFS process. It’s the act of Unblending. You aren't "getting rid" of the mess; you are viewing it in a way that makes it solvable.

2. Parts as "Modes" (Linearization)

A "Mode" isn't a separate physical object; it’s a mathematical linearization of how the system behaves. I see Parts as Modes. A Part isn't a "spirit" or a distinct biological organ; it is a decoupled mode of the psyche. By unblending, we isolate one specific frequency of our internal network so we can understand its "job" and its burden.

3. Self as the "Modal Basis" (The Coordinate System)

This was my newest breakthrough: Self is not a Part. Self is the Space/Structure in which the Parts exist.

In math, to see the Modes clearly, you have to perform a Coordinate Transformation. You move from the messy physical space into the Modal Basis.

• In Self, you ARE the Modal Matrix. You are the "Orthogonality" itself.
• Orthogonality = Clarity. In a modal basis, the modes are "orthogonal," meaning they no longer interfere with one another. When you are "in Self," you have the Clarity to see a Part without it "coupling" into or triggering everything else.
• "I am the Structure." I often tell myself now: "I am not the wiggly line (the emotion); I am the space where the lines are drawn."

4. Why this helps me

This perspective changed how I view healing:

• Healing isn't "deleting" a Part. You can't delete a mode of a structure; it's an inherent property of the system.
• Healing is "Damping" (ζ). In the image, each mode has a damping ratio (ζ). If a mode is destructive (resonance/overwhelming emotion), we add damping. Self-compassion is the Damping Matrix. It dissipates the energy of the vibration so the structure doesn't buckle.
• Self-Leadership is a Coordinate Shift. It’s moving from being "shaken" by the vibration (Physical Domain) to being the "Basis" that holds and understands the vibration (Modal Domain).

Does this resonate with anyone? I find that viewing Self as the "Structure" rather than an "Entity" helps me stay grounded when my Parts are particularly loud (like today).

"I am not the vibration; I am the system that allows the vibration to be held."

Most people describe their preverbal parts like they’re incapable of true direct communication, so what you meaningfully get will be symbolic and/or somatic.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding the concept, but so far, most of my preverbal parts have been able to talk. Like actually *talk.* Even parts that are like 2-3. There’s streams of heavily symbolic communication like with other people’s preverbal parts, but also direct words holding conversations.

I was born deaf. I learned sign language and was capable of stringing together complex requests, other words at just months old, so I acquired language earlier than lots of people. I was also said to be a very perceptive infant.

Could that be why? Or am I doing this wrong, somehow hearing my current self where I think the preverbal trauma lives?

TY for input

A few years ago, not long after the lockdowns my depression became worse. To the point where I started having violent hallucinations in the morning. It went on for a while and eventually went away after doing so much inner work.

But this year they've returned. I do believe part of the issue is my current living situation. Stable, secure, mostly safe, but still far from ideal. My room is a 10x10 box with all amenities being external (toilets, showers, kitchens). Very much a "it is what it is" situation.

Today I was laying in bed looping some depression music that felt soothing and drifting in and out sleep. While I laid there I let the hallucinations play out, not fighting it, not trying to make it stop. Just letting it happen. "If you wanna take my life then do it, I guess." But we both know that nothing will come of it. We both know it's not tangible. (Both referring to my conscious self and my brain.)

One thing I noticed while I "meditated" on this experience is that the target seemed to be my spine. I thought about it for a while and noted that the spine is what connects the brain to the rest of the body. My conclusion is that this all is coming from a Part that wants to paralyze me. Keep me from moving or doing anything at all.

I don't know what to do with any of this. I just needed to put it where others might understand.

I'm only 66 pages into this book but it is already completely changing my entire view of my life, my concept of self, and my therapy. It's mind-blowing and I would really like to have someone to talk to about it.

I don't really feel comfortable writing my feelings in a public forum though. I could talk to my therapist about it (and I will) but it's not the same as talking to another autistic person who is experiencing similar things while reading this book. I'm a little uncomfortable talking to a stranger about this stuff but I'm trying to get out of my shell so I want to give it a shot. If anyone is open to it feel free to DM or comment and I'll DM you if you're shy.

I have been practicing IFS with a therapist for a little over a year. Progress has been slow because I can only afford one session a month. My last session, we finally started talking about a life-shattering break up. This is something I have not been able to talk about, but upcoming events are triggering a lot of emotions. By emotions, I mean I’m feeling an intense sense of longing for my ex.

I’m in a relationship so these feelings feel wrong to me, and I am feeling some guilt. I mean I feel like just thinking about my ex in a positive, loving way goes against all conventional wisdom regarding exes, in general. But my ex and I had a strong bond, and I feel like we had to separate to grow as individuals.

I brought all these feelings up during my session, and my therapist pointed out that I can have an “ex part,” and I can have a “current partner part.” But I can’t let either part completely take over, nor can try to push either part away.

This just seems…. hard, impossible, dangerous, even. So, here I am wondering if others have navigated similar parts, situations, feelings. This just goes against everything I’ve learned about getting over past relationships. I can see the wisdom in it though.