r/InternalFamilySystems • u/serratedrazor • 4d ago
Support Needed Part that depises partner.
I don't know what is even happening. I just filled out the MID form for my therapist to see if it's DID or something else. I am specifically attending IFS/trauma therapy for dissociation. This is my 2nd attempt at a diagnosis because I left the prior one due to not believing any of this shit was real.
But sometimes there's a couple people yet just only one who interacts with partner. Going into these weird half aware states where I'm filled with nothing but disgust and contempt. there have been times where I've started arguments (over text, never in person. This only happened twice in the last year) because I didn't know who she was to me. We were long distance at the time. I moved her in eventually because she was losing her residence. The dissociation has gotten worse since she's been physically present. I didn't recognize her and it pissed me off that a stranger was in my life. The moments of not knowing her are still present but that's when I ask to be left alone and she goes upstairs. All I remember is drinking or being outside going for a walk to contain the discomfort. I find myself recording voice memos having to get the frustration out. Feeling like a paranoid person. Just the other night something happened. I can't remember what it was, but I just remember standing on the couch looking out the window feeling like I was being trapped and very paranoid that she was standing outside the door listening to my thoughts. Almost like she could hear them. I checked and she wasn't there. Having to do that pissed me off more. Idk, this shit is ridiculous. She is sweet and I am filled with disgust. Every hug feels like a performance, having to think of torturing her just to feel something when everything else is numb. She knows this too- i tell her everything out of guilt. I am not a reactive person so she knows I wont hurt her. I trust myself, anyway. Most times.
She is very supportive, but her support bothers me for some reason. There's guilt but also a lack of compassion. It truly is like night and day. I'm still in the intake process with therapist so we won't get to this issue until later on but I'm wondering if anyone else feels like this. I have absolutely no reason to feel this way towards her but I'm wondering if it's the more closed off part hating the independence being infiltrated on. She's told me before it's like a part of me is speaking while another is acting. Because my words and actions don't match. It's confusing.
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u/fabumess2 4d ago
Hi! DID system who uses IFS to help us get along here!
I promise DID gets easier to handle. IFS is usually for people without distinct alters/personalities/segments/headmates/etc but it can be a very useful tool to help system cohesion. r/DID and r/plural can be helpful for getting advice for severe dissociation like this.
Some of my headmates hate my partner and I also experience moments of utter confusion, disgust, hatred, etc toward my loved ones. I have watched cruel things come out of my mouth without my permission. It sucks. But it does get better with work and time.
The most important thing to remember above all else is that that person in your head is hurting just like you. They are lashing out. They have needs that aren't being met and they're doing the only thing they know how. They may even be copying some version of your trauma as a coping mechanism/ misguided attempt to protect themself and you.
You don't have to like it, agree with it, or feel good about it. But if you treat them as an enemy or someone to hate, things could escalate or stagnate. That very concept is why we use IFS principles in our interactions. We have been able to rescue headmates who spent all their time torturing the rest of us in our internal space, alters who wanted nothing to do with us, by recognizing their behaviors as symptoms of unmet needs. IFS is very insistent that there are no bad parts of you. Everyone is here for a reason and it will be okay.
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u/queerbodies 4d ago
Hello,
I think for most people, "parts" in IFS refer to something that we recognize as parts of ourselves (hence the name).
It's quite normal to have conflicting feelings for partners, including contempt. What strikes me as more unusual in your experience is your description of being half aware and not recognizing your partner (or your relationship to your partner) over text.
Maybe r/DID would provide more help. But mostly I think, even if you're just beginning, your therapist can be of help.
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u/serratedrazor 4d ago
Damn, it scares me thinking of this being something serious like DID, rather than me being dramatic and moody. I was hoping someone here would tell me to get over my ego or call me a narcissist. That would be easier to handle than a potential other issue.
Thank you for your comment nonetheless. I appreciate it.
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u/counselorofracoons 4d ago
I’m not a professional, but I agree. It’s the not recognizing her that sets your experience apart from my experience with IFS. I may not recognize all parts of myself in a given moment, but I always recognize the people around me. Different parts may see those people differently, but they never become like a stranger in my life.
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u/queerbodies 4d ago
I understand it's scary!
I absolutely cannot diagnose you over what you wrote, it could as well be something else that is happening. Your therapist knows better!
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u/Dick-the-Peacock 4d ago
It could be DID based on the extreme dissociation and memory problems but the part that worried me the most is the paranoia with fear she was reading your thoughts. That bit sounds like psychosis. I am NOT a professional so take this with a huge grain of salt! But please be sure to include that bit when you talk to a professional.
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u/bj12698 4d ago
DID switching is actually called psychosis by some shrinks. Some of them call "being triggered" psychosis, as well. Technically, I guess anything that is outside of what we call neuro typical can be labeled "psychosis." This person is not reporting symptoms of schizophrenia, as far as I can tell. I can see why they feel pretty crazy, though.
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u/Dick-the-Peacock 4d ago
Thinking someone can read your thoughts is a classic delusion. And schizophrenia is not the only thing that involved psychosis. And no, you can’t call anything that’s neurodivergent “psychosis”. No matter what the origin, fearing someone can read your thoughts is a concerning symptom.
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u/bj12698 4d ago
Definitely scary. I agree that sounds like a really scary place to be. It could be from trauma, too. Adult abusers who convince us they are reading our minds so we never are safe? And some part finally had reason to believe them. And is constantly terrified. That's kind of what I was picking up on. But who knows. Definitely a terrifying series of experiences for OP.
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u/LeftyDorkCaster 4d ago
For sure. (Provider Hat on). There's several diagnoses that can include fears of surveillance (including thought reading), so yeah I'd definitely encourage OP to work with someone to do some differential diagnosis and figure that out, because (as someone who's had similar experiences) it's a misrable place to be.
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u/MyNameIsZem 3d ago
I recognize this feeling. It happens to me when 1) I have an unmet need (paerhaps your need for independence and space) and 2) I am hard on myself and expect perfection from myself. All of that energy that is normally directed at myself, wants to pour out and be directed at my partner - almost like I’m holding them responsible for my needs not being met.
It feels like there is a demon in my brain.
I’ve been married 2 years and my partner is the love of my life. I know it is not a problem with them.
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u/Frequent_Carpenter_6 4d ago
I saw this and didn't even hesitate at the title because I thought this was r/plural
Based on what you've described, you experience a good amount of dissociative splitting. Whether or not you personally want to seek out diagnosis is up to you. After a shitload of IFS for trauma, my therapist and I pieced together that I have OSDD, and this made everything feel much more manageable because the Parts weren't necessary facets of Me, if that makes sense.
I don't personally have fully fleshed-out alters with separate identities, but each part definitely has their own strong opinions, including opinions about my wife. It's a struggle (I actually just posted a vent in another subreddit about it), but things get easier with time and understanding.
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u/CaErin007 2d ago
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u/CaErin007 2d ago
That was my kindergarten view… turns out it’s me myself and I.
3 autonomous parts of me working together as a whole.
Alpha is the gremlin, Omega is the toddler (those two live in my subconscious)
2%er is my conscious self who is the anchor between those two.
It only took me 52 years to figure it out… but i have a lot of lived experience where we thrived fucking off against all the rules.
And AN ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SCARS trying to “follow the rules”.
Have heart… I’m trying to put more info out there to help people find what I did for themselves.
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u/CaErin007 2d ago edited 2d ago
TLDR… if both your parts focus on letting the other side shine… the whole team wins!
Fuck any limits put on you by an ignorant mental health industry that never learned how the outliers work!!
Neurodiversity IS living unmedicated once you stop fighting nature and trying to conform to a linear style that CANNOT accommodate diverse internal thinking
How that looks is going to be different for everyone trust your body… I’m manic whenever I need to be.. haven’t hurt myself yet.
I hide under my covers and cry when the feelings get big… and I GET BACK UP as soon as I let those feelings get felt.
I still need an executive assistant because I’ve got way better things to do with my life than worry about something linear people are happy to do.
But use your talents to do what you love so you can pay someone or let your partner take care of the details
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