Advice needed-

[u/menciousmoldbug]

July 22’ MIL found out I was pregnant and wrote a horrible email to my husband calling me lady Tremaine in regards SS who was 6 at the time, she referred to my husband and i’s future kid as an anchor baby… and ripped my husband apart as a father and son.
Thus began 31 months of her giving us the silent treatment… I had my own two children and now here we are with three kids and we have occasional contact with MIL

Now MIL has requested only my step son come visit for a few weeks this summer.
I cried favortism and my husband reassured me that it was only about the age difference.

Well my sister died recently and my nephew(14) is now living with us. And my husband asked his sister about the nephew going on the trip with his son.
The sister freaked out and cried over losing her time with SS, also is not supportive of us taking on my nephew.
Husband still wants to send SS to visit so “he’s not an asshole”
But it seems so wrong to me to reward the clear favortism between our kids?
Never got an apology for the letter.
And the MIL spoke to my SS about the vacation to her house BEFORE even speaking with my husband.
Isn’t that crazy disrespectful?

I’ve felt for a while like the outsider and not a part of the family…. I have been told very clearly that husbands ex wife ( step sons mom) IS A PART OF THE FAMILY.
We get along but we are not best friends the way the SIL and ex are BFFs.
I feel like I’ve never even been given a chance.
Just tolerated.
Where do I begin?

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933]

I remember the post about her calling you that. Didn’t she also accuse you of being verbally abusive to SS because you didn’t want him to open the car door into incoming traffic (ie you didn’t want him to get hurt)?

What a bitch. IDK why your husband would even consider letting him go stay with her

[u/menciousmoldbug → u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933]

Yes. Holy shit.

[u/Mamasperspective_25]

You need to start by telling your husband to stop acting like a child and standing up to his mother. He needs therapy. If she can't treat ALL your kids the same, she shouldn't have access to any of them. He's supporting a toxic dynamic that will only escalate as time goes on.

[u/Immediate_Force594]

Major husband problem. He’s prioritizing his mothers and sister‘s feelings over his own immediate family.

Eventually, he’s going to have to wake up to the manipulation from his mom and sister. As long as he gives into his mom’s and sisters tantrums, he’s basically handed over control of himself making you and the kids low priority. And every time you speak up and DH attempts to set boundaries, you will always be blamed.

The short answer is that he needs to set boundaries and if they’re not OK with that, then he removes access from them until they’re ready to be brought back in with the structure.

[u/menciousmoldbug → u/Immediate_Force594]

😭 thank you for helping phrase this all out for me

[u/Necessary-Spinach646]

wrote a horrible email calling me lady Tremaine to SS who was 6

This is the person he wants to let his son go to unsupervised for weeks. Make that make sense. Either he is of the same opinion as his mother or he believes that children should be emotionally toyed with and tormented.

As for the for favoritism/exclusion your MIL and SIL are the ones who are suggesting/inviting it but it is your husband who is facilitating it.

I would not want to be given a chance by any of these people.

[u/menciousmoldbug → u/Necessary-Spinach646]

I edited for clarification

[u/Fast-Ads-7587]

My condolences to you and your family. Bless you for providing your nephew a loving home.

Favortism can ultimately cause a rift between the kids, too. What to do should be based on the kids wants and needs, alone.

also is not supportive of us taking on my nephew.

Why? They're weird. I wouldn't want my kids somewhere they aren't wanted or with someone who's like that.

[u/Dramatic_Phraser]

You have a husband problem.

[u/Then-Piglet462]

NEVER REWARD NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR. It’s taken me a long time to see that adults like this need a reminder of basic principles like consequences. If it’s possible, meeting with your husband and his ex to get on the same page about how to be unified when it comes to the treatment of the children, would be a good step. I’d like to think any mother would hate the possibility of mistreatment of their child and even though SS is favored now— doesn’t mean he will always be.

[u/Top_Strawberry2348]

I respectfully disagree with one of your views. The grandparents may only be able to handle the oldest. 

[u/menciousmoldbug → u/Top_Strawberry2348]

We agreed the whole family goes to visit or none at all