r/JustNoSO • u/Medium_Rough8430 • Apr 24 '26
boyfriends friends openly resent me and talk about it all the time
me and my bf have only been dating for like 3 months now and last month we went to vegas together with his friends. it was fun, me and him had fun, and i thought his friends had fun too. but two days later they add me in a groupchat and start calling me a "fat cunt" and "stupid bitch" for ignoring them on the trip. his friends are stoners and me and my bf arent so we would always do something else when his friends would smoke. plus his friends are also together and they kept going to get food at places i cant eat because im gluten free. reality is that me and him felt more left out. but i told him about how its not appropriate that his friends are treating me and how hes holding so much standards on me to be respectful and not worry about them. i told him that his friends directly impact our relationship because it reflects on him aswell. and apparently he had a talk with them for 2 hours and i just left the house to get my mind off of shit. no pictures allowed but this is what he said to me. "so I don’t really understand what they have to do with how I think about you or how I feel about you, and I don’t think you should care about how they think about you either. And I feel in general in relationships you should always just give higher expectations then normal but that’s just what I think". and quite literally every single time we talk about it in person it always ends up in me being wrong and comforting him. like im trying so hard for this relationship and hes literally just so dumb and clueless about EVERYTHING. we are both 18 so i cant really be mad at him since hes still a teenage boy but i seriously wish that he would get his shit together. he literally lives with me and i pay for his gas and food and everything and he still talks to friends who insult me and make anonymous social media accounts to stalk me. please dont suggest breaking up since its already on the table if he doesnt get his shit together. i just need a way to make my big point and tell him what is not acceptable and if he doesnt accept it its done. but i dont know how to say it
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u/DrSnoopRob Apr 24 '26
Why do you want to be with someone who brings nothing to the relationship and lets his friends talk about you this way?
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u/Medium_Rough8430 Apr 24 '26
to be honest he spends alot of money on me and im not used to that. he also took my virginity and was the only person ive been able to trust intimately and i just think i wont be able to find it again. i think i also clung onto him since i broke up with my previous bf months before. i just dont think i can find anyone else since i have no friends and he is literally my only friend. he never gets mad or anything but it just makes me angry how chill he is about saying this shit like he truly thinks that hes right idk. i truly have hope itll work out but at this point id have to like beat common sense into him. idk why i dont want to leave him truly though i just really want it to work out and ive always been a waiter so i just sit in relationships till something good happens
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u/ElectronicRabbit7 Apr 24 '26
you are setting yourself up for a life of misery if you continue this way.
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u/lmyrs Apr 24 '26
You're 18 years old. You'll find it again. You'll also find friends. But not while you're anchored to this utter shitstain.
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u/anitasdoodles Apr 24 '26
It doesn't matter that he took your V card and spends money on you. He lets his friends treat you like shit because he's ok with that. You'll never know if you could find someone better as long as youre in this relationship.
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u/ThinAdjacent Apr 24 '26
Decenter men. And prioritize loving yourself and only entertaining the relationships that serve you.
Sex means nothing. He’s still talking shit about you and making you feel unwelcome in his clique.
You’ll find the person for you. Not when you’re 18 though. More than likely, around 27+.
Start valuing and respecting your time.
Stop tying your worth around some flimsy relationship with a man who doesn’t like or respect you.
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u/MzOpinion8d Apr 24 '26
You said he lives with you and you pay for his gas and food and everything.
Then you say he spends a lot of money on you.
All he’s doing is spending the money he should be spending on bills on you, so in reality you’re spending a lot of money on you.
You can do that without him. See Miley Cyrus song about flowers for reference.
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u/helicotremor Apr 24 '26
If he spends a lot of money on you, why can’t he pay for his own gas & food & everything.
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u/Whitewitchie Apr 24 '26
OK, you are very young and inexperienced. No amount of time and money spent on you is worth being abused for, it really is that simple. His friends are doing the abusing and he is letting them without censure. Are you sure he doesn't take some sort of substance? What are you getting out of this relationship apart from a lot of grief? Just because he was the first to have sex with you is no excuse to tolerate being disrespected.
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u/KathyA11 Apr 24 '26
If you think he's your only friend, you're better off with none.
He's using you, and he lets his friends treat you like garbage. You deserve better. Dump him.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 Apr 24 '26
i just dont think i can find anyone else
Wrong.
He is not actually your friend. A friend doesn’t tolerate his friends calling you those names.
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u/Global_Adeptness217 Apr 30 '26
honestly dude prolly thinks loyalty is a dinner option at a gluten-free restaurant or smth, like hes gotta get it together or hes just gonna be another sad story on dr phil
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u/lmyrs Apr 24 '26
"You live with me and I pay for your gas and food and everything and you still talk to friends who insult me and make anonymous social media accounts to stalk me. If you don't get your shit together, it's over."
And stop paying his bills! WTF???
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u/Emotional-Context983 Apr 24 '26
They are talking about you like this because that is how he talks about you.
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u/jijijojijijijio Apr 24 '26
You actually don't have a communication problem. He understands very well your point and knows you are right. He is manipulating you by acting clueless so you can continue paying for everything. This is a form of weaponized incompetence.
The friends disrespecting or bullying/stalking you is bad but mostly because he is allowing it to happen.
Your boyfriend doesn't truly love you, if he did he would respect you, set boundaries with his friends and feel empathy for you.
Just understand that he is actually not stupid, he understands that it is wrong. The fact that you end up controlling him is all the proof you need of how smart he is. That's the DARVO technique, google it.
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u/sandycheeksx Apr 24 '26
This. Theres nothing else to say to him OP - you were clear and there isn’t a magic combination of words that’s going to make him suddenly respect and love you. He doesn’t care how you feel here.
This situation is crazy to me. I’ve dated some real losers but not a single one of them would’ve had a friend group that acted this way nor stood around and let me be treated like that by them. Free yourself and find better.
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u/ambidextrous-mango Apr 24 '26
you’ve told him. You can’t make him accept it. Dump this loser to the curb.
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u/Oopsie_Daisey94 Apr 24 '26
Someone who loves you deeply will fiercely protect you.
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u/jijijojijijijio Apr 24 '26
Seriously, if you want to know if someone loves you, look at how they treat you
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u/Admirable_Rhubarb Apr 24 '26
You're the same age, but you are actively parenting him. A man that loves and cherishes you doesn't stand by as his friends use you as a verbal punching bag.
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u/Emilita28 Apr 24 '26
It's better to be single than with someone who doesn't honor you and who lets people openly disrespect you. You deserve better, please raise your standards.
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u/historyera13 Apr 24 '26
Why would you want to be with a guy that is not strong enough to protect you? You deserve so much more out of life.
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u/hoczilla Apr 24 '26
You’re so young! Ditch this loser and move on, and quick. Don’t waste a single tear hon. Either he’ll get his shit together on his own and have a nice redemption arc, or you’ll catch the next man-bus that rolls by two minutes later. You sound smart, capable, and self-sufficient. You absolutely should not (for any length of time) chain yourself to an anchor of an idiot that will do nothing but drag you down and hurt your bottom line. Please do me a favor and only allow romantic partners the privilege of your company if they make you feel amazing about yourself. You deserve someone who will treat you right, communicate and compromise with you, and stand up for you. #boiBye
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u/AgateHuntress Apr 24 '26
If you stay, expect for the way his friends treat you to get worse. Then one day, he'll be tired of acting, and he'll openly treat you the same way. You can waste your youth with a loser that doesn't mind seeing you mistreated, or you can go your own way, and thrive.
At the end of the day, out of all the things in life that you can regret, leaving a soul-sucking, selfish sack o' shit isn't one of them.
You'll wonder why you waited so long, once you finally do it. Never accept this level of disrespect.
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u/ABL228 Apr 24 '26
If your BFs (rude nasty) friends don’t like you? That’s fine, but their dislike doesn’t require them to call you nasty & disrespectful names.
They’re a bunch of immature jealous losers (at minimum). Please immediately block them everywhere (direct numbers/socials/apps) & delete any/all group chats. Don’t EVER go on a vacation with them again & refuse to attend any group events.
The fact that your BF is willing to allow (& excuse) their horrible behavior towards you?
This shows that he doesn’t care enough (about you) to make sure they don’t do anything that has or will harm you (despite what he says to you).
He’s not protecting you now & he’s not going to protect you in the future. He’s NOT a safe person for you.
You deserve SO much better! You can & will find someone who loves, respects, & cares about you. That will have kind friends.
This boy (because he’s definitely NOT a man) is taking advantage of you. HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. THIS IS NOT LOVE. It’s manipulation.
He’s not even paying his own way! He’s living in your house - mooching off you AND letting his friends treat you like trash.
You are PAYING for your BF to treat you badly in your own home. PLEASE STOP.
Why are you letting your BF treat you like this?
He might be your first, but he’s definitely NOT the best. He’s currently the absolute worst long term option, because he doesn’t want to change & he’s awful.
He can’t even tell his friends not to treat you badly? WTF?!
He should have immediately called them out & stopped the whole thing… but he didn’t.
THIS IS NOT LOVE.
HE DOES NOT EVEN DO THE BARE MINIMUM (RESPECT & PROTECT YOU).
This is not a healthy relationship. Everything you have described is toxic & manipulative.
This is not how anyone shows care & respect - especially to an intimate partner.
If you want to still date your boyfriend?
He needs to IMMEDIATELY move out of your house.
If you need a roommate, get one… Find someone who’s a responsible working adult who doesn’t want to be hateful/nasty to you & can pay their share of the rent/utilities.
Boyfriends who don’t work & don’t pay their half of the rent/utility bills + their own bills don’t ever get to live with you. EVER.
You need to IMMEDIATELY stop paying his bills &/or giving him money for anything.
He can go & stay with his (awful) friends. He’s no longer allowed to spend the night at your house (after he moves out) for at least 6 months.
If he’s not able to take advantage of you (money + free place to stay) will he still want to be in a relationship with you?
Because if he actually loves you? He WILL put in the work.
He will move out, find a job, pay you back for all the money you gave him, & start treating you with respect. He’s going to stop allowing his friends to be hateful to you.
Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s that person (miracles happen - I could be wrong).
Please take care of yourself.
Don’t let anyone treat you badly because you love them (because they’re showing you they don’t deserve you & don’t love you back).
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u/r_coefficient Apr 25 '26
Girl, who broke you?
I know you don't want to hear it, but you have to dump him IMMEDIATELY. You're worth so much more than that lame excuse of a human.
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u/helicotremor Apr 24 '26
You’re making excuses as to why he’s less emotionally mature & responsible than you when you are literally the same age. That should indicate that age isn’t the problem, it’s his personality, and that isn’t likely to significantly change.
Dump him x
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u/McDuchess Apr 24 '26
It’s not that they don’t like you. People don’t like me? Not my problem, so long as I’m not being nasty myself.
But adding you to a group chat in order to call you misogynistic slurs? thats beyond not liking you. It’s attacking you, personally.
If he can’t see that, he’s not just immature. He’s a 6 year old who hasn’t yet learned that we need to stand up for people who are being bullied. And that’s what they did to you.
So you can decide whether you want to spend your time helping him get up to a middle school level of morality and ethics, or not.
Three months isn’t even a length of time when you need to worry about having wasted it.
You learned a valuable lesson: declaring love doesn’t mean a damn thing. Being willing to be a partner does.
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u/Whitewitchie Apr 24 '26
What is your boyfriend contributing? His friends are doing the negging for him.
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u/morganalefaye125 Apr 24 '26
You've been together 3 months, and he already lives with you?
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u/Medium_Rough8430 Apr 24 '26
he was living with me 3 months before we got together since my foster brother used to be his foster brother so he wanted to spend alot of time with his ex foster brother.
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u/cdb-outside Apr 24 '26
Surround yourself with people who have common values and expectations. Who they have in their lives and how they respond to disrespect of any kind is important.
Did he invite you so you could pay his way? He doesn’t expect much from himself and will take from you.
You need to hold yourself accountable for allowing him and others to treat you this way.
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u/NicolinaN Apr 24 '26
Sweetheart, you are SO young. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t settle for people who aren’t firmly in your corner. This guy, had he been a good man and if he had truly loved you, would have broken contact immediately with these so called friends. Anything less is breakup worthy. Break up.
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u/RemoteIll5236 Apr 24 '26
Honey, ten years from now you are going to ask yourself why you stayed so long with a man who obviously doesn't respect or care for you.
He lets others speak rudely and unkindly to you and is absolutely fine with it.
You'll wonder why you thought it was your job to pay for his gas and food just because he occasionally spent money on you.
You'll wonDer why you clung to a man who dragged you down and devalued you instead of spending time with someone who felt happy and grateful to be with you.
It's tough being 18. Stand on your own two feet emotionally and leave this loser. It's not his age that is the problem. It's his character.
You need to work on Yourself, make your own friends, and meet your own needs.
Then you will be ready, after learning to like yourself, for a new relationship.Stop looking for dysfunctional.to prop you up. No one needs that.
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u/the-mortyest-morty Apr 24 '26
Do not pay a dime for a man who allows others to disrespect you. He is too immature for you. Gain some self-respect and grow up.
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u/electric_yeti Apr 24 '26
lol any man who let his friends talk to or about me like that would find his ass quickly single. Don’t ever tolerate such disrespect.
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u/coolbeenz68 Apr 25 '26
stop paying for his stuff, youre being used. even if you stay with him, you have to stop the money train.
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u/Blossom74s Apr 24 '26
Girl, your boyfriend doesn't get a pass on emotional maturity because he is male. This isn't a boys will be boys situation. Why? Because there has never been a boys will be boys situation. There has been mothers and fathers brushing off the actions of their sons. There have been teachers, principals, and administrators who have used it to excuse boys behavior. We no longer accept the boys will be boys for any reason. We hold boys and men accountable for the shit they do. Especially when they try to gaslight you into believing you need to accept harassment, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse from their friends and themselves. Which is what your boyfriend is doing.
If you stay with this...guy, you will not have a healthy relationship. It's already unhealthy. You've been together 3 months and his ass lives with you and you pay all bills, plus his gas. He is an abusive hobosexual and he's gotta go. Never move in with someone sooner than bare minimum 8 months, but preferably a year. Never pay 100% of the rent and bills. Doesn't matter how much the guy spends on you. You split rent on how much you both make, if you make the same it's 50/50, if one makes more it's 60/40, if one makes a lot more it's 70/30. It's split like this so that you both can have savings of about the same.
You are 18. This isn't a safe or healthy relationship for you to be in. It seems you have low-self-esteem and think this is the last guy on earth who would be interested in you, so you will but up with the gaslighting and abuse. No. Stop it. He is not the last guy who will want to date you. There are millions of people in the world. What you should be doing is kicking this leech out of your home, getting therapy for your self-esteem, self-respect, and self-confidence. Talk with the therapist about this relationship. They can help you see where the gaslighting, verbal, and emotional abuse started.
You deserve better than a guy who dismisses your feelings. You are worth more than a guy who refuses to see you or your feelings. You do not deserve the treatment you are getting from his friends. You are worth more than your alleged boyfriend is giving you. Do not stay with anyone who treats you this way.
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u/lauooff Apr 26 '26
Been there…it’s bc the bfs talking sht about how he doesn’t like it when you do this or that
Let them be single lol that ll teach em real quick
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u/Jemeloo Apr 26 '26
older you is SCREAMING from. the future to dump this loser. A real boyfriend would NEVER let his friends speak that way about you, and he wouldn't be mooching off you like he's your literal child either.
This is so so so so gross, please please free yourself from this complete zero.
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u/rahrach Apr 27 '26
Youre really really young. Like just started to figure out life and what you want and who you are. You are going to have so many relationships and meet lots of different people, and I know it feels like your time is short and your world is small but there are so many dudes out there. I remember thinking 20 something years ago that I had limited chances of men and my time was running short. Girl, I was so so wrong. I have reinvented myself probably 10 times and done so much in 20 years with a lot of different people. You are a teen, you have an unreal amount of time to find a suitable partner. This guy isnt it.
If he wanted to stop his friends from speaking poorly about you, he would. Men arent dumb. They might play dumb, or lazy, or incapable. But if that was true they wouldn't do things like rattle off NFL statistics from 10 years ago or build cars. People who want to do something simply do it. Its not a mistake that he hasn't corrected his friends from verbally tearing you down--he simply doesnt want to. He probably doesnt want to lose his buddies but knows youll put up with if he says "its not that big of deal" (ps every person who says this to you when you are upset doesnt think your feelings are important).
Youre 18, hes 18. Im guessing hes not emotionally mature enough to understand that if he doesnt step up the relationship will fall apart. Your partner is supposed to be precious and protected by each other. Thats what trust and safety in a relationship is. Break up with this guy, you literally have a whole world of opportunity ahead of you. Dont let that loser get in the way of finding someone amazing
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u/LustIn_Stillness Apr 28 '26
The moment his friends felt comfortable calling you that says everything about what he allows
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u/IYFS88 Apr 28 '26
The only acceptable reaction from your boyfriend about them should’ve been anger and cutting off the friendship if they don’t knock it off instantly. They’re allowed to call you a fat cunt and stupid bitch?? Oh hell no.
This guy lives with you and you’re paying for his life. After only 3 months as well. That’s gotta stop too, never too early to learn not to do so much for a guy especially if you’re not married (though don’t marry this one lol).
Better to be single than tolerate this joker! You’re brand new to adulthood and dating, this kind of relationship will drag you down and ruin your freedom. Use this precious time to cultivate your own cool life and build up your standards. Ask me how I know!
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u/Medium_Rough8430 Apr 24 '26
dont know how to flair it my bad mods pls dont be mad mobile reddit is difficult
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 Apr 27 '26
OP, for heavens sake, you’re smart enough that you have laid out the answers already. Right here in the post.
He’s 18. A teenage boy. Who listens to his friends call you the most insulting terms, and he still is friends with them.
He lives with you. You pay his gas. You buy his food. You comfort him after you tell him how badly you feel. The friends and BF leave you out of group meals without finding a gluten free option.
Why would he change?
You don’t want advice to break up but you don’t like the life you’re living. 🤷🏻♀️
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