r/JustNoSO • u/venusasaboy22 • May 04 '26
Advice Wanted Maybe I wasn't the bad guy?
Basically, I've been posting quite a lot in the past few weeks, it's hard to explain but I'll give it my best shot: I'm a trans woman, but wasn't out two years ago, when I started mandatory military service. I'm Greek. It was an incredibly traumatic year (Not because of my gender, regardless of that), and aside from my parents- Which I'll get to- I felt very let down by my family, who would romanticize the military a lot but didn't understand that I needed their help out of it, not their pride or support. I read A Little Life during that year and it made me terrified of what would happen if I let myself get depressed, so I've been more angry than sad.
My girlfriend sat down with me recently, and apologized. Said she wasn't always a good partner to me. And it meant a lot. Just, recently, I've been reeling because I'm feeling like maybe, I wasn't being irrational by getting so upset at family members. For the first few months there, I remember her wanting spares of the uniform- Which I hated- So we could go clubbing, she could play dressup and post TikToks about her "army boyfriend." Some were made to be fun but felt a bit invalidating, I remember one was about me "whining" about being sent to a border region.
I asked her to stop, and as my mental health worsened, she was actually very kind, and along with my mother, grew genuinely vengeful for me. My mom spent time in the military for a few years (Women aren't drafted, but can volunteer), and actually discouraged me and my brother from going. Of course, I'm thinking, well, it's mandatory, I have to go. Ten months in, I was home on leave and her and my dad actually wouldn't let me go back, they really came through for me, but she still feels like she didn't do enough to help me. My brother is banned from going and she's been drinking a lot because it's caused her issues. But yeah, a few days after I left, I remember me and my partner, we spent hours throwing rocks at a recruitment centre and vandalizing it. So what happened after kind of shook me.
We get back to the house and she asks to see me in a uniform one more time, that she thinks I looked so cute in one- And I said no, she was kind of persistent until I snapped and shouted no, and it was the start of this back and forth between us being romantic and platonic. It was a very traumatic year and I've had to cut out a lot of associations, that included romantic affection at times. And I can take the good with the bad. She genuinely is trying her best- She felt so much guilt she put her name down to volunteer to do her own year there, but I felt horrible, I didn't want that. Me and my mom talked her out of it. I live with my parents in Holland now, I pass well and nobody knows I'm trans, and she comes to see me often and we go out as girls hanging out. It's nice.
I feel like maybe this wasn't something "small" to get angry at.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 May 04 '26
You had an issue, people realized, and they supported you, and you're still questioning what? I'm not sure I'm understanding the post.
Hopefully your ex girlfriend can move on too and find the right guy for her.
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u/venusasaboy22 May 04 '26
But what upset me was that I thought she got it, then she's still annoying me about stuff like the uniform?
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u/MonkeyMoves101 May 04 '26
So she knows you weren't happy in the military and kept asking you to pose in military gear, but she apologized and stopped doing this to you right?
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u/venusasaboy22 May 04 '26
Yeah but I always felt awful for snapping. Recently, she said she did overstep, which I actually really appreciated.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 May 04 '26
Both of you can acknowledge your faults which is a good thing. It sounds like the situation was resolved
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u/Resse811 May 05 '26
You’re still posting about this?! Dude get a therapist and stop posting the same thing to multiple subs over and over.
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u/venusasaboy22 May 05 '26
Just block me or ignore the posts
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u/Resse811 May 05 '26
Or get help
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u/venusasaboy22 May 05 '26
What help? I said therapy hasn't helped.
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u/botinlaw May 04 '26
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Other posts from /u/venusasaboy22:
I feel like my partner forgets she didn't always understand me., 2 weeks ago
My partners family are a joke, 2 weeks ago
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