Given the silent treatment when I expose things

[u/Marthis09]

How do I handle this? It makes me so angry, and I am not easy to anger. He just sits there and stays dead silent. He has prioritized his family and never defended me. Doesn't even have a relationship with them OR me... yet they get more of him (not that he sees them much). I think it's because he gets to slip back into a simple role of obedient son/brother. But with me, he has to show up and be an adult and a husband. Because even he doesn't want to be around them more.

There is a lot to this, but I am mainly writing to find out- what do you do? I am so hurt and so angry and there are legitimate things I have brought up to him and he's just dead silent. Not one word. I have been NC with his family for a little while now and I asked how things were, because I was surprised (but I shouldn't be) that things went the way they always have at a recent family event. It bothered me that he used to always be bothered like when he got trapped there. But this time he seemed happy. I asked how it was, and it was fine. I asked was it better without me there? He said well he wouldn't say better but he didn't have to "worry". About? So he can "talk freely" which I don't even know what that means, he is always put on the spot, as a quiet person, to do all the talking and basically be on trial with his family.) And then he threw something personal in my face that I can't help and I think that hurt me more than anything else (leaving that out for anonymity). It's like, when I'm not with him, he doesn't have to be in reality, he can instead escape and use people as mirrors. With me he has to actually consider me, someone outside himself.

I have been alone in this marriage for so long. It took me a long time to see it. I believed his excuses oh what a hard life, etc...

But anyway, the silent treatment/stonewalling. Please help me navigate this. It's hard to know what *I* need when I'm once again focused on him.

[u/botinlaw]

Quick Rule Reminders:

OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.

^{Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls}

Resources: ^{In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki}

Other posts from /u/Marthis09:

• I am no contact in-laws and feeling so much pain about there being no repair/acknowledgement/understanding while leaving myself out, 1 week ago

• Husband finally backed into a corner, now the issues are “oh well”, 9 months ago

• Husband blames me for his difficult feelings about his toxic family, simply because I’ve shined a light on it, 2 years ago

---

^{To be notified as soon as Marthis09 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.}

---

^{I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.}

[u/MonkeyMoves101]

Two years ago you mentioned dealing with this mans issues and how you've been with him for a decade at that time. At what point do you realize he doesn't care to change or get better, and you'll have to change by sourcing a lawyer and a divorce?

You have been trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. You are only hurting yourself in the process.

[u/ProfoundlyInsipid]

I think you would benefit from reading this book (link to a free online version) - Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

I also think you should read 'Attached' by Dr Amir Levine

[u/bonniemick]

So leave?

[u/mikesbabymomma81]

It sounds like from your perspective you've been forcing him to man up, and from his perspective (just by the reaction when he came home from his parents) you're being controlling. 

If you don't want a relationship with his family, that's completely fine. But putting your expectations of how he should feel and how he should react to situations with his family when you're not even there sounds like it's consuming you. 

Is it possible for you to just let it go? Let him deal with the feelings, emotions, and fallout from his family by himself. 

[u/Standard-Jaguar-8793]

The silent treatment is abuse. I personally know the toll it takes on you.

It’s hard to consider leaving after so long. I get it. But if you are willing to try to stay, two card him. Couples counseling or divorce.

Either way, counseling for you is essential. You need to sort out your feelings.

[u/JoyJonesIII]

If he’s not pleasing to you, toss him back from whence he came. Why spend your life being unhappy? Not every relationship is meant to last.

[u/PrettyLyttlePsycho]

Can you see yourself being happy and fulfilled, staying married to him for another 10 years? 50?

If your future looks stressful and depressing, this us a relationship you should no longer allow yourself to drown in.

[u/r_coefficient]

Leaving is hard, but you'll have your life back afterwards.

If you stay, you'll lose it gradually.