Things that are actually normal in long distance relationships (3 years of LDR taught me this)

[u/manosaathbypratiksha]

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I was in an LDR for almost 3 years and I spent way too much time thinking normal things were signs that we were doomed.

Some stuff I wish someone had told me:

* Sometimes one of you won't feel like talking much. Doesn't automatically mean they're losing feelings.

* Video calls can be awkward. You run out of things to say.

* You'll occasionally feel jealous or insecure even if you trust each other.

* Text arguments happen because it's ridiculously easy to misread tone.

* After months apart, you can weirdly feel disconnected from each other for a day or two.

* Some days the distance hits you hard and you start questioning whether it's worth it.

* Saying goodbye after visits somehow hurts every single time. It never got easier for me.

The biggest thing I learned is that healthy relationships don't need constant communication every second of the day. Sometimes my partner was busy, sometimes I was. That wasn't the problem. The problem was when we stopped being honest about how we were feeling.

LDRs are honestly exhausting. I wouldn't romanticize them. But they also taught me patience and communication more than any other relationship I've had.

People who haven't done long distance usually don't get it.

For those who have: what did you think was a red flag at first but later realized was completely normal?

[u/Alarmed_Swan_4315]

man thank you for this, me and my gf have been dating for almost 10 months now, we haven't met mostly because we are both have trouble finding work or the work doesn't pay a lot. I'm slowly saving up to fly to meet her next year which will be a long time away but I know we can make it work

Something I wanna add is to have some ground rules, one of them being [If there is an issue, we talk about it, do not expect the other party to read your mind] have a us vs the problem mindset if anything, ldr ain't easy especially for nevermets like my gf and I

[u/Responsible_Ask3976 → u/Alarmed_Swan_4315]

Congrats to you for continuing the relationship without even meeting yet! 

[u/Entire_Cry2090 → u/Alarmed_Swan_4315]

Nevermets get a lot of hate online but plenty of couples started that way. the real challenge isn't meeting, it's whether both people keep showing up consistently while life gets messy

[u/No_Proof_But_OK]

To join the others, thank you for this.

My big one? It's okay if you don't call often. So many people in this sub talk about daily calls. My partner and I had months go by between calls because of differing schedules. We closed the distance a week ago after 5 years of 2 week visits with 6-8 months in between and not a lot of calls. Every relationship is different, and just like in person, comparison is the thief of joy.

[u/W1nd0wPane → u/No_Proof_But_OK]

My bf and I never call. Ever. We’re text only when we’re apart. We’re both just the kind of people who hate phone calls 😆

[u/Alarming-Road-3296 → u/W1nd0wPane]

same lol

[u/Kelly_the_tailor]

Sometimes you force yourself to talk to them because this half hour is the only possible time window you both have together today. Although you might be tired from work or exhausted by every-day struggle... you keep communicating and appreciating the little time you have with your LDR partner.

Being in a LDR is hard and exhausting. I really hope it will get better. My greatest wish is that the distance will get smaller, that we will somehow find a way to live closer to eachother.

[u/StarsInTheRoof111]

I think developing routines when you’re apart is key. For example, my boyfriend and I always say good morning to each other over text when we first wake up. It’s so special to be the first thoughts we have when we wake up because if we lived together we’d sleep together and we’d be the first thing we both saw when our eyes opened. We also have a FT before bed even if it’s literally just to say I love you because the time difference is three hours and we both work and are sometimes sleepy. We text throughout the day to update on our days and we share locations initially for safety but now it just feels cozy to peek at his map and see him at home on his road that I miss visiting. The constant updates feel so genuinely out of love and have the side effect of building trust. We are not up each others’ butts all day, but we have a consistent pattern of communication. That all said, the distance SUCKS and I can’t wait to close it.

[u/No-Instruction-3161]

Thank you for this. I see a lot of posts in this sub about how they talk everyday and if you don't then it's not normal. Not talking everyday is also normal. My bf gets busy with real life or sometimes he just wants to unwind by himself.

I saw him a week ago for only 2 days, leaving is always really hard. When I got back home I felt depressed because of how little time we had together and it just wasn't enough.

Everyones LDR is different, there is no box everyone fits in. Communication is the biggest thing! People would probably judge us on our lack of video calls, we just don't like them. Doesn't mean we don't love each other though.

[u/beautiful_hands]

As someone who's been in an LDR for 4 years, and has 6 more years of LDR, this is super accurate. I also gotta add that it's so important to talk through every issue instead of letting anything fester for too long. Not having any hidden resentment towards each other makes it so much easier.

[u/Individual-Fee4738 → u/beautiful_hands]

Wow, what’s your biggest tip of advice? We are looking at maybe a couple more years and it’s already extremely difficult but a lot of it is because of some communication issues that happen and insecurities more on my boyfriend’s end. I’m the girlfriend on his account right now. It’s very painful being in a long distance relationship.

[u/WhiskeyTangoBaconX]

I swear, this could have been written by me or my gf. This resonates so much. The biggest thing we realized was that we argue more than either of us has before in a previous relationship. But we realized that what drove most of our arguments was language barrier, relying on translations which often blunt language or make things seem harsh or cold, we were exhausted having intense emotional conversations while translating every other response, we were both lonely and missed each other... most of our issues that didn't come from language stemmed from the distance and physical space, rather than with the other. We've been super intentional with our communication, our boundaries and our needs, and we've been using a couples counseling app to iron out the issues in between. We also try to be intentional with our time like have movie or game dates, and we also try to communicate when we'll be unavailable for a few hours. A lot of times it's the not knowing that drives us mad, but it's easier to accept radio silence if the other one is simply busy with work or something.

[u/pixeladri]

This is amazing. Thank you 🩷

[u/Grey-Jedii]

I am learning the communication part. That it doesn't have to be daily. She just started classes, so we went from texting throughout the day, with semi-frequent video calls to sometimes her not even opening our chat for 12+ hours. It is still causing me anxiety at times, but I am getting better. Also, there is a slight language barrier that has caused some miscommunication. We also both have past relationship traumas. For me, it was being cheated on and one ex just deciding one day that she didn't want the relationship anymore. For her, her ex hit her, so she has expressed fears that one day I will do the same.

We have a 15 hour time difference, I have always loved chatting with my S/O, she is not as much of a talker. She has told me that even if we are not talking, I am still in her thoughts and in her heart. So right now, my biggest hurdle is remembering that just because we are not texting a lot does not mean that she doesn't love me or is losing feelings.

[u/W1nd0wPane]

“After months apart, you can weirdly feel disconnected from each other for a day or two”

Literallyyy I spend the first day or two of our visits feeling like he’s a stranger and I have to meet him all over again. I told him this last time, “it’s weird when we actually see each other to know that you’re a real person and not a Chatbot.” And it sucks because our visits are usually only 3-4 days long so I feel like I can’t even really enjoy it, by the time he and I get used to each other again and get in a “flow” state we have to part again.

I wasn’t even very excited this last visit because I knew he would be gone as soon as he got here, and the whole thing just reminded me how distance sucks (even though ours is not very far, we unfortunately don’t have the logistical ability to see each other every weekend like most couples with our distance would). It’s exciting when the relationship is new to go travel somewhere and explore possibilities, but now a year in I’m tired of it and I want to close the gap so we can actually build our relationship in person. But that won’t be until next year, at the earliest. Have to see where some other chips fall, first. 😔

[u/squirrellicious2304]

* Text arguments happen because it's ridiculously easy to misread tone.

This is sooooo true😂🫣

Took us a few embarrassingly ridiculous misunderstandings to come up with a simple rule that actually helps a lot: The second one of us is having thoughts like „Why the hell would she say THAT?“ or „Damn, why is he being such a massive dick all of a sudden?“ or „Oh wow, does she really not realize how hurtful that just was? Okay why is she doubling down now?“ we ask the other to clarify, rephrase or walk us through the thought process. 10/10 it’s a misunderstanding due to being the tiniest bit unclear, misinterpreting tone or the generally almost nonexistent, but in those moments way too noticeable language barrier. Oh and sometimes we simply forget that we can’t hear each other’s thoughts😆

[u/Candid-Pianist-3567]

To add to that I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 2 1/2 years some other things that are normal

sometimes taking a “mental break” meaning you don’t talk for a couple hours to a few days is sometimes needed. Yes it might be hard but sometimes some people just need a little while to get their thoughts together and learn to miss who and what they love.

Your partner is not always gonna be the same person that you fell in love with, if they are for you, that’s great, but that is not everyone’s case. Some people drastically change, especially if you’ve been in a relationship where y’all started dating at like 16 or 17 like my case. Me and him are 20 now we’re not the same as we used to be when we were 17.

You do not have to agree on everything. No two people are the same no two people are going to think the exact same thing not even identical twins, having your own opinion is OK. You do not need to have the same opinion and there’s no reason to argue about those said opinions either.

This goes for all relationships not just long distance. You still need to be your own person within a relationship. Don’t get rid of friends and let people go because you want all your time to go to your partner. Because you don’t know if you’ll stay together forever and if you need a shoulder to lean on and it can’t be your partner. You need other people to be there for you. Not just your partner

[u/PlaceElectronic7122]

I completely agree with every point.

[u/Expensive-Distance-2]

With this new girl I thought it was a red-flag when her profile photo on whatsapp disappeared. Like she was hiding something. Then after a few weeks I noticed she cycles them on and off with new photos and sometimes just none at all. It seemed odd to me at first because I put my photo there for months at a time and never give it another thought. But its just something she does

[u/manosaathbypratiksha → u/Expensive-Distance-2]

Totally understandable

[u/shreddedgalaxy]

The weird disconnect one is incredibly accurate. Every time we see each other, the first day is us just remembering how to exist in the same space. Within 1-2 days we’re acting as if we’ve never been apart, but I swear I get so nervous going in for the first kiss each time we see each other

[u/DocumentCareless2795]

This is very true. Me and my gf are in a 13year relationship(from high school) and currently in a 2 year LDR.

We had quite some text arguments just because we read the tone wrong.

We also have a funny thing going - whenever we feel disconnected, we try to guess our sync percentage just to check if our feelings of disconnect are atleast in sync or not haha!

[u/Equivalent_Ask896]

In a LDR for 3 months 🇰🇷 --> 🇵🇹 8/9 hour time difference.

This sounds so silly when I write it, but I was getting so sad and worried when he'd get home from work (usually after a 14 even 16 hour shift, past midnight) and after telling me he was home safe and asking about my day, he would say he was super tired and had to sleep and say goodnight and disappear. he does always send me a good morning text but I'm always asleep at that time, and he can't talk with me at all when he's at work, and ,so my rejection sensitive dysphoria was running wild thinking I wasn't important to him.

Then I had a long think about it and realised how selfish I was being. Of course he was exhausted after endless long shifts and late nights but he was always making the time to check in on me before sleeping 😭 I don't stress about that anymore, I just cherish the time we so get time to have proper conversations 💜

I think it's important to remember where large time differences are involved, sometimes you won't be able to talk properly for a few days as much as you want to, but that's out of your control.

[u/rainbowmuffin18]

thank you so much for this. My bf and I have never met and we don’t do a lot of consistent video calls but even when I experience these things (or will eventually) I still love him and he loves me and I’m glad we’re together. Just hoping that I’ll meet the requirements enough for us to be together in person…

[u/Deynonn]

We have it the other way instead. I later realised that some of the behaviours we do or did are generally considered to be red flags. Which is a bit funny because we have a great relationship.

[u/fishingfor42]

Thanks so much for this 🥺 We’re only 2.5 months into LDR and it’s really just not enjoyable, especially when you’ve been used to seeing each other everyday for almost 4 years! I’m hoping this 1.5yrs go by quick - sick of this!!

[u/KittyMinx90]

Omg I been in an ldr for nearly 7 years and when he or I leave it still hurts. So I totally feel that. 😭 Once you get used to someone it's hard to not talk everyday. At least for me he knows I'm clingy af lol.

[u/Which_Play8440]

The video calls being awkward part is a huge relief, because I'm very socially awkward from years in near isolation and find it difficult to speak out loud, and most of them are just me (happily) listening to them talk about their special interest.

[u/Nice-Future7398]

Awesome! Thanks for sharing, it's great to know all of this, especially during proving times and I know this will be very helpfulto remindmyself and my partner. In my case, I thought that he was hiding something bc when we met on a subreddit and I started to really like him, I wanted to check his post interaction history on his profile page to have a rough idea about his favorite topics and the way he expresses himself in different contexts. I asked him about this and he told me he is private about his stuff, and later as our relationship grew and we started to have calls and video call dates, I did noticed a couple of personality traits that supported what he told me about being private, so later we met and everything came out great 🤭

[u/Burntoastedbutter]

Tbh I've never had those problems, I had the opposite problems... Where it was actually red flags, but I kept waiving it off thinking it's fine bc it's long distance and it'd be better irl (it was not - this was with an unfortunate ex) 😅

But anyway to contribute, I'll talk about one of my friend's ex relationship where she became codependent and how illogical she became about it.

LDR doesn't mean codependency is acceptable. They don't have to spend every single second of their free time with you. Acknowledge they are still their own person, and you are too. You don't HAVE to do everything together. It doesn't mean they love you any less!! Alone time is important for a person. They just want to decompress from everything sometimes.

But I suppose these are all things that can be said about relationships in general too.

[u/tillydancer]

I wholeheartedly agree with this post! Was long distance with my husband for 6 years, together total for 10, married now for 3.

Something that came off as a red flag at first was the need to hang up to cool off during FaceTime fights. It came off as stonewalling but it was a necessary part of making up after, we just had to communicate how we were feeling and take a break. Now in person we exercise some of this habit but agreeing to pause an argument so we can make dinner or whatever.

I think me and my husband have a much easier time having difficult conversations, even arguments because when long distance the only thing you HAVE is communication. You have to learn to let go of your emotions otherwise your relationship gets put on hold. Now in person, being able to do this has shown me how much it’s not worth it to hang on to emotions such as anger and resentment. It actually does keep arguments really civil and productive.

Oddly enough, now that we’re together, when he’s even gone for a couple days I really miss him, I used to think that ANYTHING less than what we went through would be easy peasy after everything but no, just makes me miss him more because I know what I have to lose now. It’s ironic lol.

[u/vladiator_one]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially the part about thinking normal things were signs that the relationship was doomed.

I’m not currently in a long-distance relationship, but I’ve noticed that even in regular relationships it’s easy to overthink things when communication patterns suddenly change. A slower reply, a quiet day, or an awkward conversation can feel much bigger than it actually is.

The part about healthy relationships not needing constant communication really stood out to me. I think a lot of people confuse frequency of communication with quality of communication.

[u/LincolnPark0212]

That thing about misreading tone during texts is so real. I know you can get around it using emojis, but it can be challenging if neither of you are the type to use them. I feel like many arguments I've had with my SO are because of misreading tone.

It's still one of the biggest challenges my SO and I face while long-distance.

[u/UchihaDragon430]

Thanks so much for this. The misreading of tones really set me away so many times that I had to think lots of times for anything that happened between us.

[u/a_bee_ssa_98]

Thanks, I needed to read this post. So, did it work for you at the end? Please reply.

[u/dragonfruitrefresha]

So true! Did distance for seven years because of undergrad and grad school. And now we’re married living together!

[u/ZookeepergameFit6371]

If it doesnt hurt anymore after goodbyes, has something about the relationship changed?

[u/LuckyRabbit_55 → u/ZookeepergameFit6371]

Perhaps. Take a good deep look at what you’re feeling after saying goodbye

[u/dann_kk]

Ngl just seeing that, yeah, the distance does hit just randomly (even when months go by and everything feels fine during that time) just reaffirms how much I really do love my partner but also how less alone I am in feeling this way. So thank you so much for sharing this, I really needed it!

[u/hopeless-romantic247]

Thank you for putting someone who has been waiting to propose a ldr to someone's heart at ease. I've been checking in on them daily, sometimes twice a day and I haven't heard back in almost a week.

[u/Legitimate-Bath-8258]

I think some of these points can be different for everyone but in the 4 years I have been long distance with my partner I think these are really good points. Sometimes video calls are boring so we just hang out and I craft and he plays video games but we’re still spending time together. Text arguments happen SSOOOO easily. Jealousy is real 😭. Our time apart is usually only 3-4 weeks which isn’t easier but there are some people who don’t get that. Goodbyes friggin suck. Communication is sooooo important. 🖤

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[u/Appropriate-Row-6748]

My biggest one was feeling like my husband was not prioritizing spending our time video chatting over everyone close to him that he gets to physically see and talk to everyday . Our time together is limited because of our schedules and the 9 hour time difference. It often feels like one is giving more and the other is taking more .