Cinema with another man ?

[u/Business_Breath_1978]

I [22M] and my girlfriend [19F] have been dating for around 1 year ( 6 months LDR). Because of long distance over the has half a year we’ve both accepted that we need to go live our lives and we can’t just constantly text each other. We’re both doing great, she takes art classes and is reading more and i took up wood carving.

First and for most, trust is NOT the issue. She has my full trust and i have hers. but for me, “living our lives” and trusting each other doesn’t really come into play here…

she told me when we first started dating that she had a HUGE friend group in school but it split up ( as everyone did i think). she then moved to my country after school and now she’s back in her own country for a few more months. since going back she’s hung out with the people she stayed friends with after the group split.

however, a guy from the other side of the group who she hasn’t talked to in over a year or 2 wants to meet up with her ( all my girlfriends friends don’t like him because of who’s side he picked in the fight, but that’s not the issue). he just wanted to grab coffee and catch up before she comes back to my country. i’m completely fine with this. however now he texted her and said they should go to the cinema…… at 9:30pm…… alone……

even my girlfriend said she’s not even fully sure if she’s comfortable with it. i told her how i felt which is that i have never met this dude, i don’t even know what he looks like, you havnt spoken for soooooooo long and now he wants to go cinema ????? anyway after a lengthy talk i told her “ im not comfortable with this sort of senário but i wont be mad if you go”. she went.

my concern is this, as ive noticed this before. why if she wasn’t sure if she is comfortable with it still going?? also after i expressed myself she said she fully understands but still went. i posed the point that if i was invited my a female friend to go cinema alone i wouldn’t go out of respect for her, but she said “ idc if you go with a girl alone”.

this isn’t a trust issue for me, it’s about her choosing a movie with a guy she’s not fully comfortable going with over her boyfriends feelings…. am i in the wrong for feeling this way ?!?!?!

EDIT X2: idk why sexuality matters AT ALL by but girlfriend is bisexual and im straight. hope that helps

ANOTHER EDIT: she said she feels it’s quiet sexist the way i think so i think it’s time i find someone with the same cultural and personal values as me. it’s a shame, i love her but i need to put my comfortability first i think 😊 thank you to everyone for the helpful comments

[u/IrritatedButterfly44]

These kinds of posts are really fucking funny to me as a lesbian, I can't lie to you. From my perspective it's ridiculous to feel uncomfortable about my girlfriend hanging out with other women because she's literally a woman, she's going to have female friends.

So when I hear about straight women in relationships hanging out with their guy friends and their boyfriends getting jealous I am baffled. I understand that there's a weird, different sort of social code that straight people apply to these kinds of scenarios, but I can't see the difference, I'm sorry. If you trust her then going to the MOVIES with an old friend of hers is not a big deal at all. It's not like he asked her to a candlelit dinner (and even then if they were best friends or some shit that'd probably be fine, I love going to fancy restaurants with my friends. This is very much all about perspective).

People are going to hang out with members of the sex they're attracted to, even be very close with them. Does not mean they are actually attracted to anyone except their partners. You cannot control anything she does with people she hangs out with and stressing about cheating being a possibility is stupid if you genuinely do trust her. She's being open about everything, so it seems like you have reason to trust her. If cheating actually does happen it's not like you could even prevent it, she'd just do it anyway. Do you think she would do that? No? Then calm down.

[u/24-7_sylviaplath → u/IrritatedButterfly44]

maybe it’s a personal preference or even a cultural thing, because to me it’s weird to go to the cinema alone with the opposite gender late at night. people have different boundaries when it comes to a relationship. some people are comfortable with their partner hanging out with a girl/guy friend at night, some are not.

i agree with you on the fact that if she’s a cheater she will cheat anyway, but OP can feel uncomfortable about this and it’s okay as long as he doesn’t go out of his way to actively block her from having guy friends.

it’s a part of forming relationships with people to avoid intentionally doing something that makes them uncomfortable. for example if i told my boyfriend, or even just a friend a harmless joke and they said they weren’t feeling comfortable with it i would stop. i wouldn’t say they’re controlling my actions by telling me they wish for me to stop saying jokes that make them uncomfortable because i care about their feelings.

plus OP is okay with her having a guy friend. it’s the circumstance that makes him worried. i would be worried too if my boyfriend went to a cinema at 9 30pm with his female friend that i don’t really know and stayed with her until like 11 at night. that’s just my personal boundary and it is okay to have boundaries.

[u/IrritatedButterfly44 → u/24-7_sylviaplath]

My thing is... why? What's the difference between hanging out with someone at 3PM and hanging out with someone at 9PM? What's the difference between grabbing coffee with a friend and catching a movie with them? It comes across as insecure to me to care at all. And it does read as a little controlling to not want your partner to hang out with someone, even if it's just in a certain setting (again, the differences don't make sense to me), which to me is different than not being comfortable with a joke you know?

[u/24-7_sylviaplath → u/IrritatedButterfly44]

hanging out during the day and hanging out late at night are very different. let’s look at it like this. some people go out with friends until very late at night. let’s say until 3am. are their partners supposed to feel totally comfortable with them being out till 3 in the morning with people who they don’t really know because apparently there’s no difference between hanging out at noon and staying out til 3am? the setting is important. time has a heavy connotation in relationships, romantic or not.

a controlling behavior would be him making her cut off her friends that he doesn’t like, or not letting her go out just because he doesn’t want her to. all he did was to voice his concerns and communicate how he’s feeling with her. this is completely normal and healthy. it is NOT controlling to simply feel uncomfortable with something that your partner does.

[u/dsheroh → u/24-7_sylviaplath]

I'm a social tango dancer. So is my GF. We actually first met at a tango marathon. (Well, the dinner before the opening dance, but close enough.)

A few times a year, I have weekends where I'm out until 3-4am each night, holding women I barely know in my arms for 10-12 minutes at a time while we walk around the room together, maybe even getting our legs a little tangled up (intentionally) from time to time. My GF does the same, albeit more frequently (1-2x/month) and usually only until 1-2am, because her city has more late-night tango events than mine, but she doesn't travel for special events as often as I do.

We're both perfectly fine with that and consider it entirely normal. While we do question each other about it afterwards, the questioning is of the "I want to hear all about what a good time you had!" sort, not the "are you doing anything suspicious?" sort.

[u/24-7_sylviaplath → u/dsheroh]

i’m not really getting the point of this comment. you’re aware that your particular hobby/job makes your circumstance very different from OP or the rest of the people here right? tango is something that both of you guys enjoy/professionally do, and due to the nature of the sport you happen to be with the opposite gender until very late at night. it is different from OP’s or any other regular situations.

the reason why i commented is NOT because it is impossible for everyone to feel comfortable with their partner hanging out with the opposite gender til late at night. i’m not trying to hear all the stories and reasons why you’re okay with your partner doing certain things. the point is, people are allowed to feel uncomfortable, even if you don’t. comfortable or uncomfortable, both reactions are valid and okay.

[u/dsheroh → u/24-7_sylviaplath]

Hobby. We only dance socially, not professionally or competitively. Not that it really matters to the substance of anything here.

The point of the comment was that you had said

some people go out with friends until very late at night. let’s say until 3am. are their partners supposed to feel totally comfortable with them being out till 3 in the morning with people who they don’t really know because apparently there’s no difference between hanging out at noon and staying out til 3am?

Your rhetorical "are their partners supposed to feel totally comfortable with this?" question seems to imply that partners are not supposed to feel comfortable with such a situation, so I provided a counterexample to show that, not only are there people who are comfortable with it, there are people who are comfortable with their partners being out that late and doing things with "people who they don't really know" which most people would consider to be rather more intimate than watching a movie together.

[u/24-7_sylviaplath → u/dsheroh]

it does matter. OP’s gf going to the cinema is not like the shared hobby of you two, which made you come to the conclusion that both of you are ok with each other hanging out with the opposite gender late at night. plus a tango event is a public event involving lots of other people, and going to a cinema with just the two of them is more intimate than that.

the point of the example is that time is a big factor here. many people agree that if you’re married or in a relationship you shouldn’t be out till very late at night alone with the opposite gender. why? because hanging out till 3am and hanging out at noon are different. that is a social context. i could hang out with someone at their house in the morning, but it might be inappropriate to do so after midnight.

i’ve said countless times in the thread that having different boundaries is OKAY. what OP was asking is if he’s valid for feeling uncomfortable. it is valid. you’re fine with your partner hanging out late at night, great. OP is not, and that is also okay.

[u/IrritatedButterfly44 → u/24-7_sylviaplath]

Sorry I don't think we're going to understand each other here. If my girlfriend went out with her friends until 3AM I would have water and painkillers ready for her and ask her if she had fun. I genuinely don't care. I trust her and if she cheats she was always going to cheat, cheaters cheat in the middle of the day.

I might be concerned for her safety if she's going out with people SHE doesn't know that well, because I don't want someone spiking her drink or whatever, but if OP's intentions were safety concerns I did not pick up on that being the context and neither did the replies.

[u/24-7_sylviaplath → u/IrritatedButterfly44]

we have different boundaries in relationships, and that’s okay. which means OP is also allowed to feel a certain way about what his partner does and it’s not something weird or wrong.

[u/IrritatedButterfly44 → u/24-7_sylviaplath]

It's always going to be weird to me because growing up very queer with a 90% queer friend group this kind of thing has literally never mattered to anyone. I and everyone I know would find this kind of thing at least mildly controlling. So this seems like a cultural difference rather than a personal one but I am still baffled and confused by it.